Need advice - overly involved grandparents

[Minnie824]

So, I'm in need of some advice... my parents (obviously our kids grandparents) are getting a little over involved in our lives, and its starting to bug me. I'm trying to find a nice way to get some space but not sure how. I'm an only child, so therefore my kids are the only grandkids. They babysit our youngest (half day kindergarten) in the afternoon every day...I have 5 more months until that is done. We have a babysitter for the summer. Don't get me wrong, I know some people have no one to help out with their kids, and I do really appreciate them helping out. However, they only started the every day babysitting the last month or 2 and its already too much time. DH & I work from home, so I see my parents every day. (Sidenote...we were going to look for another babysitter for these 5 months, but they really wanted to spend more time with the kids, so I figured, 4 hrs a day, no big deal, it'll work out).

Then, all the activities our kids are in...they go to. Every. Single. One. We can't chat with our friends or other parents because they're always there, inserting themselves in the conversation. We have plans w/some friends for the weekend in a few months, and my mom just said, well who invited them, as if it was wrong for us to go out w/other friends and do things for the weekend. Every time we plan a trip...they have to go on vacation at the same time. Now, they're retired, and in the summer, not babysitting..they can go on vacation anytime they want, but they always HAVE to go at the exact same time. And then they bring over snacks to leave at my house. Again, once in awhile no big deal. But my mom will bring chocolate milk (because they need calcium and apparently water isn't good enough for them to drink for lunch) and then desserts...ice cream cake rolls, cinnamon rolls, chocolates. At least 3 times a week I'll find stuff at my house. And now, she won't even tell me. She'll bring stuff when she's babysitting, give it to the kids and take it home as if I won't find out.

I know I'm sort of venting, and like I said, just too much time w/them every day but I need a way to nicely tell them not to go to every one of the kids events, and just step back a bit. My mom just asks me (daily) for a print out of the kids activity schedules as soon as I get them. Its to the point that I don't even want to tell them of the activities the kids are in. I don't mind them going to some but we have 1-3 activities for the kids each weekend and I just don't feel they need to be at every one of them.

Anyone have any advice for me? Hopefully things will calm down a bit in the summer, but I need to get thru til then.

 

[LunchladyDoris]

I wish I had your problem But I have to ask, are your parents retired? Perhaps they need a hobby or something to occupy their time a bit. I don't know if you should tell them something or not but maybe they need something to fill out their days.

 

[sau418]

I wish I had answers for you, our situation is similiar but it is DHs parents. We have gotten to the point we do not tell them about some things we are doing until it is the absolute last minute. Fortunately there are two other grandkids, but I can still empathize with your situation.

 

[Nancyg56]

I think that first you need to decide how much time is acceptable and what you are willing to put up with and what you are not. I am a Nana who watched my DGD and it was really hard to step back when her Mom was with her but I remember my mom could not and I hated that. Perhaps your parents are having a hard time with the boundary adn you need to figure out what it is for you so that you can help them to establish it as well.

You have them sitting during the day and that is fine but froma GP POV, I would feel badly if I could not go to DGD's activities, both DH and I enjoyed those times.

I also wonder why you have not discussed your concerns with your parents. I would make sure that the food I wanted the kids to eat was what they ate, babysitting is not the same as a visit with GP's it is a commitment to follow Mom and Dad's rules. y DD did nto want Kady to have chocolate so I did not give it to her. When we watched a movie at night we shared a Lindor chocolate. It was a treat she knew that we had and it was a Nana thing.. Way different than feeding her treats at lunchtime.
think this is the first hurdle I would cross, make sure you parents honor your wishes during the day.

Next I would let your parents know that you love their interest in the children but that you need some time as a family unit and that you want to take the kids alone on the next trip. Make sure that they know that there will be times when they want to enjoy the kids alone as well and that they will appreciate the differenet dynamic as well.

I wonder if asking them to take over an activity for you and you take teh rest would help. I don't know if I would give up afctivities but if you have several they may like taking ownership of one and stepping back from the rest.

I don't get the impression that you want them to back all the way off or that you are territorial with the children so some of this may work. Good Luck!

 

[hedgehog2owl]

I wish I had your problem

I agree! my little only child lives a very lonely life with no grandparents (or any relatives) on dh's side and Grandparents and cousins 2500 miles away on my side...


I have no idea though...maybe the pp is onto something...can they take up gardening (my dad does this and he won't leave it in the summer for more than 3 days!) or join a bowling league or get a new craft like beading...?

Or you can tell them to give you space...but I am sure that would cause other problems.

 

[jen0610]

I really wish I knew exactly what to tell you to do it, but nip it in the bud NOW!! I speak from experience and it was my mother who we had the issue with. It took almost 14 1/2 years of her meddling and two kids for the straw that broke the camels back.

Yes, she was a god send when the kids were little and she babysat during the day for us and for any other time we needed a sitter. But, when she started telling us how to raise our kids, what we were doing wrong, approved of nothing we did for or with the kids - this included the clothing that we bought them - it severly strained an already rocky relationship that she and I had.

I could spend days telling you the things she did and only get about 1/10 of what she did out. She finally snapped this Aug and she no longer free access to do either of our kids. And when I say snapped, yes the woman lost her mind and permently hurt her relationship with her only grand daughter. She gets to see them on our terms and the first word outta her mouth or action we don't approve of, we leave - I don't care if we are at her house or out at a restraunt. Christmas day was the first she had spent more then 15 minutes with them, she was rather well behaved. She did get upset that neither of the kids would hug and kiss her goodbye, but she created the mess not us.

I can tell you that at the kids activities, even though she and dad would be there, DH and I and the kids would not devote our entire attentions to them. We would speak to them, but we sat with our friends and if there were seat close to us, they could sit there or not. And if you sat close to me, you had better be ready to the hooting and hollering for good plays on your video tape and not tell me to stop cheering on my kids. It aint gonna happen.

I feel for you!! I wish more than anything, that when DH got out of the Army that we had not moved back this close to our parents. It is what it is, but it could have been so much better.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I know the grass is always greener, but my mother-in-law has never been to any of our kids' sporting events. She did go to one concert at my son's school when he was younger. I know it bothers them. I'd rather have your problem.

My parents would be more like yours, but they live over an hour away. They go to things when they can and I really appreciate it.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Just be honest with them. Tell them that you love them but need some time alone. If they give you a hard time then insist and hold your ground. If they get mad then so be it. I think they are way too involved and they are grown people and should be able to see that and understand. As for the treats at your house that would never fly here. I wouldn't care if they got mad. They are YOUR kids. YOU make the rules. If they don't like it then too bad. I would find another babysitter. It's nice to have family involved but too much of anything is simply too much.

 

[Randi]

I guess it is a problem if you feel it's a problem. for me, it wouldn't be a problem. I grew up very close to both sets of grandparents, & for as long as possible my kids did too although we no longer lived that close by.

Both my parents were onlies, & they were both very close to their parents. Every night at 9, my mom's mother called to say good-nite, and at 9:15 my dad's mom called.
We had separate houses, but I had a room in each one. I followed the rules of the house I was in. My mother believed that my grandparents had more experience than she did & they had done OK with her & my dad, so who would she trust any more? I knew what I could get away with, so to speak, at each house but i don't believe I really took advantage, since they did keep me in line.

My parents did have some outside friends, and some vacations were taken together & some separate. Some vacations I went with whoever & some I stayed home with whoever.

I am truly grateful for the time I had with all of them, and for the love they showed to my sons. Everyone is gone now, but the memories live on.

I hope you can reach a compromise that satisfies all of you.

 

[jen0610]

Next I would let your parents know that you love their interest in the children but that you need some time as a family unit and that you want to take the kids alone on the next trip. Make sure that they know that there will be times when they want to enjoy the kids alone as well and that they will appreciate the differenet dynamic as well.

You would think that that would work, but with some their need to control is limitless.

We took the kids to Disney, our first family vacation. Mother got all excited that we could all go. She was told my me, no we wanted to do this as the four of us. She was told by DH, no she wasn't going with us on our vacation. Dad knew what our wishes were and had no desire to "butt" into our plans.

Mother could not/would not let it go. My brothers live in FL and she arranged to have my one brother come up to Orlando and stay with her, not knowing what was going on with us. Once he found out what she was trying to do, butting into our vacation, he changed their plans on her and instead took her up north, like to Maine or Vermont (I can't remember which). They did end up spending a day and a half with us at Disney as that is how he found out, we called to find out if he wanted to come up and spend some time with us, as it had been a while since we had seen him. We didn't let it dampen our vacation, as it was only a day and a half. Since that vacation, we don't tell her any time we have plans and those who know, know that spilling the beans is a punishable offense.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I feel bad for you. Personally, I don't have this problem but I do have a DF with a similar situation and can give you some observations from a little further out on the time line. Everyone wants the extra hand when a baby is in the house but once the kids begin to grow things change. First, like you said you only have a few months left of 1/2 day kindergarten and after that the ties will naturally slip away. I would imagine your parents already know this being parents themselves, and are therefore trying to suck up every last second while they can. As for their constant presence at sporting events, some of my kids friends do have grandparents that always go, one DF's Mom babysits while she works from home so it sounds like the exact same set-up. Once their youngest hit regular school there was no more need for daily visits ect. so everything changed. I suppose for the grandparents it is sort of an empty-nest thing all over again, except it happens younger. This friend of mine always had an easier time socializing during practices. The kids really do benefit from having so much support with extra curricular activities and once your kids get older having other people available to get them where they need to be will be a welcome help. But right here and now you're done, I get that. I'm not making light of it, I'm just saying it won't last forever.. it simply can't last forever and sometimes that little nugget of truth can make things so much easier to tolerate. I wonder, could you be less open with them about what you do and when? Could you hold back your vacation plans & family outing plans and just say they are last minute? Could you not tell them where every single sporting event is right away?

The fact is that you seem to have a fairly boundary-less relationship with your parents and there is no way to erect a fence now without trouble unless it is natural and gradual. My DS is nearly 12 and DD is nearly 11 and they have enough roadblocks up to thwart even a Green Beret, your parents will be no match for time. Don't worry, the fences will come all on their own soon enough and they seem to get higher and higher as time moves on

 

[disykat]

I'm surprised at all the people who say they wish they had your problem! Sometimes I wish my parents were more involved with my kids (or as involved as they could be from the distance) but I'd hate to have your problem! I think it's way worse than uninvolvement could ever be!

 

[mjkacmom]

My parents are like that, and I'm grateful! They help schlep the kids from field to field, go to all recitals, plays, etc. They also help me get the kids to their activities - I couldn't do it without them! Just wait - the bond my children have with them is unbelievable! I'm not an only, but my sister lives far from here, so they focus on my kids. They know all of my friends, and talk with them at games (and talk to my friends' parents, who attend also). Sure, they walk in and out of my house whenever they want (and bring food - we have all of their holiday leftovers still!), but they won't be around forever, and again, they are like second parents to my kids.

Edited to add that minutes after I posted this, my mom showed up, asking if anyone needed a ride anywhere. I was just about to pick dd13 up at her friend's house, so mom saved me a trip! She also brought some pita chips. Today, I got stuck at the store longer than I thought, no problem - called my dad. Over the break, not only did my mom bring the little ones to BAB at the mall, she also took my kids to the movies by herself, and brought dd13 and 5 of her friends to the mall.

 

[Nancyg56]

You would think that that would work, but with some their need to control is limitless.

Mother could not/would not let it go.

Since that vacation, we don't tell her any time we have plans and those who know, know that spilling the beans is a punishable offense.

Wow, that is really sad. I have to say that our first trip to Disney with out littlel Kady was with all of us and i was grateful for that. My DDnad DSIL are reallyt easy going so they were happy to include us, not so happy to include DD"s aunt and thrilled that my DS and his DW could join us. We had a blast but DH and I were quick to make sure that DD knew the three of them couldl head off whenever they wanted to. My DSIS IlL was nto so good and that cost her a lot with DD, we had a mutiny on the next trip andn no one would go if she did. I actually had to plan an additional trip woth her and woith my niece, thank goodness for her! so that there would be no hard feelings but DD said no more of that either.

Bottom line, it pays to pay attention when your children ask for certain accomodations, too bad that your Mom did not , th eloss is not only hers but the time she could have with her GC's is different now.

The fact is that you seem to have a fairly boundary-less relationship with your parents and there is no way to erect a fence now without trouble unless it is natural and gradual. My DS is nearly 12 and DD is nearly 11 and they have enough roadblocks up to thwart even a Green Beret, your parents will be no match for time. Don't worry, the fences will come all on their own soon enough and they seem to get higher and higher as time moves on

You are not kidding! Kady is 8 now and her Pa tried to arrange a shopping trip with her. Holy Smokes! That child had something going on almost every day. SHe told him she could "fit him in" on the following Wednesday! My Dh was stunned speachless

 

[okeydokey]

It sounds like your family is the only thing they have going on and that your family is responsible for their entire social lives. If they have no life of their own outside of you and your family, I can see how that can be smothering. Is there a Senior Center near you, would they consider taking part in activities there? Do they attend church? Honestly, I think they need to enlarge their world a bit. What would happen if you had to move out of state due to a job transfer or something?

 

[dansamy]

I wish either set of grandparents had been remotely interested in my kids. My mother visits my sister's kids, but she never comes to see mine. My husband's parents took their other grandchild camping all the time when he was little. They took my oldest one once, brought him back with sun poisoning and never taken any of my kids anywhere ever again.

 

[padams]

I'm an only. I can understand your situation. Don't give your parents the activity schedules. Each time they ask for them, just say you will let them know which activities the kids want them to attend. At these events, say hello to them but sit with your friends sometimes. As for the treats, you would have to tell them that only your treats are allowed. You know they will be upset at any limitations so you have to pick your battles. Having a different babysitter will help the situation. Good luck!

 

[mickeyboat]

I understand your frustration. But you need to remember a couple of things.

First, you have chosen to involve your parents in your children's everyday lives. It is only natural that they want to be a part of their activities.

Second, I think someday you might look back and realize that your kids are lucky that they have grandparents who want to be so involved. They are fortunate to have so many people who love them.

Finally, you need to set some boundaries for your parents. They can still be involved, but make it clear that some times are reserved for your immediate family only. They should not have a problem with that.

I have had a similar experience with my FIL and my kids. It really bothered me a lot at first until I realized how lucky my kids are to have someone special to love them and want to be involved with them.

Good luck!

 

[portocall]

My husband and I grew up approx 700 miles apart. When it came to putting down roots, I insisted on my place or his since I wanted to live near family to have a ready made support system. We chose to move close to his family because this area offered my DH more employment options. Well, that support system I had counted on was certainly not there. My children's grandparents had all the time in the world for my BIL's children, none for mine. We visited often to try to form that bond, but everytime my toddler picked up a toy he was told to put it down, it belonged to his cousin. Where she had my nephew everyday, if I needed her to watch my sons, I had to schedule her months in advance, then call the week of, and then the day of and even then she would "forget" and go out anyway. My BIL moved away and I thought that things might get a little better, it did, somewhat. Then Hurricane Katrina came and we went over to BIL's in another state and of course instead of coming home to her own undamaged home (we were very lucky) she decided that she couldn't be that far away from "her babies" so decided to move there. We came back and now that they are 800 miles away (the other direction from my family) and I couldn't be happier. They visit the area often as we have quite a few relatives that live here, however, they only call once they are here which irritates me to no end so if we have plans already, we do those. We have asked them to tell us when they are planning to come so we can arrange the schedule and they don't so I quit feeling bad about it. The last time we visited them they told me that we are raising a future serial killer in front of my child (he got upset and hid in a closet and refused to come out for a whole hour is the reason she gave me) so we have no plans to visit them again.

OP... I think this is a case where the grass is greener, I dreamed to have your problem, but it sounds like it is no picnic either.

 

[shortbun]

First thing my mother said when she found out about our baby was. 'don't expect me to be your babysitter.' I ached for my son through the years because he came to call my husband's parents 'my real grandparents.' A couple of months before my mother died she began to talk to me about how she regretted her lack of involvement in my son's life. She tried to tell him on more that one visit while she was sick, how much she loved him.

You situation sounds extreme. But....be careful what you wish for. Be happy your parents love you and your children. You can set some rules about snacks and vacations without hurting their feelings. Maybe you should schedule a family night with them once a week so they KNOW they will always have time. You can work out the event deal. They can attend everything and you will have to learn to assert your independence with your other friends. You just need to take some time to work on things. One thing at a time-don't dump it all on them at once or they will be hurt and feel alienated. Again-as long as they know they are valued and will have guaranteed time with your family, you should slowly be able to withdraw yourselves here and there.