Need Advice/Opinions Regarding DS's Behavior

[becka]

I am honestly looking for opinions and advice here so feel free to give it even if you think I am being a bad Mom here. I really feel lost and I don't want to come down on him too hard but I also don't want to ignore it.

Today at preschool Nathan got in trouble because he pushed down another kid and then slapped him in the face. The teacher saw this and made him sit out for the rest of recess and talked to him about why that was wrong. When DH picked him up we had to sign the "incident report" that just stated what happened. When the teacher was telling DH was she saw DS then started saying that he first asked this boy if he could play with him and the boy said No. DS then says that he told the boy that he was not the teacher and he could not tell him No. DS then tried to join in and play and this other boy started to pinch him in the face. That is when DS said that he pushed him and hit him in the face. The teacher only saw DS push the other kid down and slap him.

Now I am not condoning DS's behavior here but this particular boy and DS have had issues in the past. This kid appears to be somewhat of a bully (well as much as a 4 year old can be) and often appears to try to leave DS out of things. We know this boy has started "fights" with DS in the past although my DS has not been entirely innocent either. For a few months DS and this kid were in different classes but this boy just joined his class last week so they are back together again. I want to teach DS that it is never OK to hit back even if he is being hurt. I told him to just go tell the teacher. However, DH was bullied badly as a kid and after hearing his stories it makes me want to make sure that my DS can stand up for himself. I don't know how to communicate this to a 4 year old. I don't want DS fighting and hitting other kids but I don't want this boy to hurt my son either.

I just don't know what to do. We have punished him here at home for his behavior at school but I almost feel like I don't want to come down on him too hard if he was just trying to defend himself, kwim?

I am sure some of you out there have had simliar problems. Any advice?

 

[goofy's friends]

I think this kind of stuff happens all the time and your son is perfectly normal in the way he reacted. That said, you were right to punish (IMO) and tell him to talk to the teacher. At this age, they can't determine taking up for themselves and bullying. So, sticking with the "2wrongs don't make a right" philosophy at this age is the way to go for now. I would let the teacher know @ past issues and ask her to keep you in the loop as to the events invoving this child in the day so you can discuss it at home. As time goes on, I would continue discussions of defending self and not giving in just because someone tells you to. Keep communication open. You did great, just keep it up

 

[FreshTressa]

I'd just drop it. The teacher already dealt with it and it sounds like your son was just standing up for himself.

I know it is PC to say it is NEVER okay to hit, but watching my kids and kids in childcare, if kids don't they frequently become victims of bullies.

Now, I'm not a child psychologist and will probably get flamed for that, but it is just my observations from being a kid and being around kids.

 

[ItsonlyExperiment626]

Does the teacher know the history the two boys have with each other? If not, then you should inform the teacher of their history. I would talk with the parents of the other boy to let them know of the conflict and hope to work with them to come up with a plan to avoid more conflict. Maybe a conference with the parents and the boys to find out what is actually going on. Maybe one of the boys' feeling were hurt when they first met and the bad feelings somehow grew into what it is now. I would like to find out the reason behind why the other boy is bullying your son. I also would like to find out if he is a bully to everyone or is your son his primary target. If they are to stay in the same class, then I would make sure there are some clear rules for the boys interaction. At the very least, I would make sure my son understand to stay clear away of the bully and if he so much as come near my son, for my son to go straight to the teacher.

 

[CEDmom]

If you read a thread that was going for a few days about bullying you'd know I agree that getting physical is never the solution. Of course at 4 that's a tough lesson to teach.

I think I'd explain to your DS that this other boy is having problems learning to keep his hands to himself. Suggest that your DS not try to play with him and to listen when this child tells him no.

Also explain that he can't make someone play with him. Ask him how he'd feel if he were playing and having fun and some other child wanted to join in but your DS didn't want him to. Turning the tables is a good way to get the point across at that age.

I understand your reacting by punishing your DS. Although as I said I don't believe getting physical is the solution to bullying I probably wouldn't punish my DD. What I would do is have her write a note to the other child saying she was sorry. Even at 4 a child can write "I'm sorry". That to me would be punishment enough.

Another thing I'd suggest is to tell your DS to yell whenever another child gets physical with him. I bet if the teacher had heard "STOP PINCHING ME" things would have turned out differently.

Most kids do grow out of the physical stuff as they get better with expressing their feelings.

Good luck.

 

[becka]

Does the teacher know the history the two boys have with each other? If not, then you should inform the teacher of their history. I would talk with the parents of the other boy to let them know of the conflict and hope to work with them to come up with a plan to avoid more conflict. Maybe a conference with the parents and the boys to find out what is actually going on. Maybe one of the boys' feeling were hurt when they first met and the bad feelings somehow grew into what it is now. I would like to find out the reason behind why the other boy is bullying your son. I also would like to find out if he is a bully to everyone or is your son his primary target. If all else fails, I would consider chaging classes or schools.

As soon as I found out this kid was in DS's class I told the teacher of the past issues we had. I kept hoping things would get better but no luck apparently. DS and this kid have been together since they were 3 months old. They were in the same infant class (where they used to push each other over on the mat ), they moved up to the 1 year old and the 2 year old class together and they continued to have issues. The teachers kind of knew to seat them away from each other as much as possible. When they turned 3 they thankfully were in different classes although the classes did play outside together and did spend some time together for various activities. That seemed to work better but we noticed more agression becoming involved. DS moved to the 4 year old class in June and the other boy was still in the 3 year old class until this past week so everyone was happy.

We have talked to the parents briefly but not recently. Like I said in the past my DS has not always been innocent. They both (from very early one) seem to just have personalities that clash or something. They both will do or say things they know will make the other one upset. As they got older it did seem that this other boy became more physically agressive and DS used to just not even say anything. We would get reports from the teachers saying that DS would never say anything but they would just see this other kid hit Nathan or push him, etc..

I think this kid tends to be a little bit of a bully with the other kids but DS seems to be the preferred target. I don't want to switch schools because that is the same school my DD is at and I don't want to have to move both of them. There is no other room in the other pre-K class so he needs to stay where he is. Besides the other class does stuff with his class half the time anyway (including recess).

 

[paigevz]

I agree with Cedmom's post and couldn't have said it better. I do also teach my students, though, that another child does not have the right to say you can't play in that area or with other kids, but they do have the right to say you can't play with me (though I also teach them to say, "I would like to play alone right now" instead, and I also make sure they understand that if they don't want to play with someone, they also can't stop them from coming on the equipment or playing with their friends).

I think you handled it well.

 

[dmslush]

I don't have any advice about his behavior.. I guess it hurt when the other kid pinched him! Bless his heart!!

However, I have never punished dd at home for something that happened at school if she had already been punished at school. If she got in trouble and had to sit out recess, well, that was her punishment, she missed playing during recess. I didn't figure punishing her twice was going to do any good, especially when she was little and the second punishment would be so far removed from the incident.

 

[becka]

Thanks for the opinions and advice. I have said it before but I will say it again: This parenting gig is tough!

I sat down with DS last night and again this morning and we role played some more situations. I really hope it helps him learn to better deal with these situations because we all know that it is not going to let up anytime soon.

 

[golfgal]

As the mom of a child that has been bullied his whole school career I would tell you that you know what, sometimes it IS ok to fight back because sometimes that is the only way to protect yourself. Now, at 4, yelling "STOP PINCHING ME" to get the teacher's attention is probably the best way to go about this. At 10, sometimes you have to fight back.

If this boy is preventing your son from playing with OTHER kids, then that child needs to be dealt with and the teacher needs to get involved. If he was only stopping your son from playing with him, then your son needs to know when to back away. Sometimes kids are just so dang mean to other kids you want to string them up!