Need advice on unmotivated college student.

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I just wanted to tell you what my sister told me when I explained my situation to her.

My sister said I am expecting too much from my son since he's only 20. 20 is too young to be expected to know what to do in life for almost all people. He may be one of those people who needs a long time to get on his own. It's my job as a parent to support him until he finds his way.

I asked what she meant by that, and she told me I should help him until he's at least 25 because that's what parents should do. She said in some states the court will make parents pay child support until age 24.

Now, am I crazy to think that is absurd advice?

I also found out that he still has ALL of his textbooks we purchased since he started college. He never resold them. I think he should resell them and use the money towards the books for the upcoming semester, even though he won't get much for them. Sister says that the money from the books is his because it's his school, even though we paid for them. DS should be able to use that money for whatever he wants. Anyway, it's "all about money" for us. Sigh. That isn't true.

Life is so stressful sometimes.

Your sister is out of her cotton picking mind?

Does she have kids?

If she does--I bet you they are coddled since she thinks you should be coddling your son.

Your sister is senile.

 

[LisaR]

Is this new behavior for your son? If so, he may just be overwhelmed by the harder classes and he may lack organization to study properly. If that is the case, convince him to get tutoring and check out the school labs that are offered.

In addition, most people I know that went to college ended up having one bad semester. I know I did. I do believe in giving him one more chance if this is only the first semester he has blown off. I like the idea of reimbursing him if he passes the classes.

If this isn't new behavior, it is time to cut the strings.

As for your sister, you need to stop talking to her about this issue. Sorry to knock your family member but she is off her rocker.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Dear OP, I would suggest he transfer to a local university and commute from home. You can cut him some slack by not charging him rent for his room but he has to get a job and pay his own tuition!

Good luck!

TC

 

[Ephany]

My sister said I am expecting too much from my son since he's only 20. 20 is too young to be expected to know what to do in life for almost all people. He may be one of those people who needs a long time to get on his own. It's my job as a parent to support him until he finds his way.

When I was 20 I was supporting myself in school and didn't have a clue what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. So when I was 21 I hauled my rear down to the Navy recruiting station and figured it out. My parents supported me (emotionally) but with money and by doing everything for me? Hardly. Your son is an adult and you are not responsible for paying for the lifestyle he wants while he figures out what he wants to be when he grows up, no matter what your sister says.

I'd consider paying his only his rent and perhaps his health insurance through next term IF he's in college/tradeschool. He's an adult now and and maybe he'll be more motivated when he realizes how good he's had it and how much work the real world is when you have to support yourself.

Whatever you (and your DH) decide, good luck.

 

[GRUMPY PIRATE]

instead of sending the next check.

Send him military recruiting brochures from the different branches.

A few years in the military has a way of motivating you for college like no other life event can.

It also helps you to focus on what kind of a carreer you might like.

 

[DawnCt1]

I like that idea. I may sound stupid, but I really didn't know what to do. We saved for years to college and want him to succeed. It's a shame he doesn't want to get an education when so many others would love that opportunity.

I think DH and I are going to have a long, long talk tonight.

Maybe he knows that you want him to have an education more than he does. DS#4 pulled the same thing during his first semester. Fortunately we saw the amount of effort he put forth in high school so he went to community college. He dropped 4 out of 5 classes so he "wouldn't ruin his gpa". When January came he was ready to start studying. We weren't ready to pay and told him he wasn't going back. After a flurry of promises and "I'm sorrys, we agreed but he had to deplete his money first. We took what money he had made and added the rest for another semester. He made some effort then. The car was only for work and school. The rest of the time it was parked. His grades improved. They need to know that getting an education is important to them.

 

[FireDancer]

I had to pay my way through and I assure you that writing that check before every semester was motivation enough.

To be honest once you are in college you really should be self motivating. I don't know if you can make him want to succeed if he doesn't want to himself. At least he would only be wasting his own money instead of yours.

Hopefully he snaps out of it.

 

[ProgressCity]

I have a BIL that is the exact same way, he's 19. He is really smart and could really do absolutely anything (not just saying that). However he is the most unmotivated person I've ever met! He tells me and DH that he won't get a full-time job because he knows that if he doesn't his parents will just pay for him. His parents are paying all his living expenses and he's saved up $1500 from working odd and end things (helping out farmers with harvest, housesitting, etc.) to buy a gaming computer .

A PP mentioned the army, I know my BIL wants to go that route because all your decisions are made for you. I'm thinking it's not such a bad idea. I'm just scared he'll get in and then decide it's not for him, it's not a job you can quit, it's a felony if you quit .

Just like my BIL knows he's taking advantage of his parents, your DS knows he's taking advantage of you. I think you should completely cut him off and I don't think you're expecting too much of him. I moved out a week before I turned 18 and have completely supported myself ever since. I've never taken a dime from my parents and would never expect them to pay for anything.

 

[GRUMPY PIRATE]

Well, the food service industry DOES need a steady supply of able workers.

 

[luv2sew]

Not all kids are cut out for college. But maybe he should try a trade school. If your in State College, your not very far from Pennsylvania College of Technology. It is a great technical school and it is affiliated with Penn State. They have both 2 and 4 year degrees and most of their programs you can enter into the 2 year and stay for the 4. They have them designed that the first 2 years are the same for both degrees and you don't miss anything by signing on for 2 and then staying for 4.

I know that Williamsport does not have much to offer in the way of fun but it's a great school with a great reputation and has a bunch of hands on type degree courses.

My son is there now and signed on for the 2 years, because he had not taken his SAT's and has received his associates and now is staying on for the bachelors degree...He will graduate May 2011. He loves the school