Need advice on parenting issue (long)

[Marseeya]

Okay, everyone, what do you do when your child (especially older kids) has friends who might be a bad influence? Or you might have concerns about?

One of my best friend's daughters used to hang with this girl who really caused a lot of trouble -- and the mother of this girl was a real piece of work. My friend pretty much forbid her daughter from hanging out with this girl and since the girl moved on to high school, while my friend's DD stayed in middle school, it worked out okay.

Well, now my son is hanging out with this girl and I've heard all the stories about her bad behavior! BTW, he does have a girlfriend. I did warn my son not to get caught up in that drama and just be cool about it, but ugh! I know darn well if I try to forbid him from being friends with her, he'll just get even sneakier and start lying to me. At least now he's being honest and I know what he's up to.

He was hanging out with her after school today and he put her on the phone with me so she could ask if he could go to the movies with her mother and other friends... well, she lied to me about who she was! When I questioned him about who it was, he was honest about it and said she was just afraid I wouldn't like her because of my friend. I felt so bad for her, but it did bother me that she lied like that.

And there's another level to this. I was one of those girls that parents didn't want their kids hanging around with! I wasn't a "bad" kid, but I had a wild streak and was rough around the edges. A lot of my friends' parents were able to see through my bluster and realized I was a good kid, but other parents were just so mean about it. I went through a lot of heartbreak and I still hold some really hurtful memories of being so hated by those adults. This girl seems a lot like I was, only worse.

Anyway, sorry for rambling, but I just don't know what to do about this. On one hand, I know everything my friend went through with this kid, but on the other hand, I don't want any kid to go through what I went through when I was younger. I want to be a parent kids can trust and come to when they're in trouble (even if they're the cause of it) -- not the mother who kicks them to the curb.

What should I do?

 

[Skatermom23]

Not let them go out together! I have two teens and I can pretty much pick and choose who they get to spend time with. So far, it has worked out well. I am a SAHM and lets face it, they need me to cart them from point A to B.
We had a boy move in across the street two years ago that I knew was going to be a problem. I gave him the benefit of the doubt but when his mother threatened to kill me, I told my son that the entire family was off limits. He asked if he could say hi to the boy and maybe walk home from the bus with him, and I agreed. BUT, that was the limit. My kids tell me everything and they may not agree with all the decisions I make but we talk through them and move on.

 

[barkley]

i think one of the first discussions you need to have with your son is about how this new girl plays into the dynamics of his relationship with his girlfriend.
is he trolling for a new girlfrend and keeping the current one on just in case it does'nt work out (common in highschool but it sure stinks!). remind him that if he is keeping this "friendship" a secret from his girlfriend it is wrong and reflects poorly on him. you can also give him the discussion about "you are known by the company you keep".

i would have a major problem with her lying to me no matter what the excuse, i tend to take everything i hear about someone with a grain of salt-try to go with my own impressions and experiences with the person. she is not even giving you the chance to know her.

 

[shortbun]

First, I would insist he give his current girlfriend the respect she deserves. Second, I'd have this young lady come to my house and spend some time before I'd let him go anywhere with her. Lots of time. That way, you are not forbidding the friendship, just setting the boundaries. You can make decisions based on what you learn while she is a welcome guest. This gives you loads more time to decide what's best and their friendship forms under your supervision. If she knows you, she might be less likely to disrespect you.

 

[Tiggeroo]

I don't know. I would either forbid it or only allow it at our house, or possible just limit the time spent in some ways. I pretty much knew all my sons' friends. I told them that they get alot more freedom with their friends if I feel comfortable with them. Even the ones who appeared rough when they spent alot of time around the house, I became comfortable with. It's hard when they are teens. I don't think you really can completely forbid or limit time spent because much of what they do is in groups and is unplanned. They aren't going to run home because they are with 10 friends and one is the person you don't trust.

 

[Marseeya]

Not let them go out together! I have two teens and I can pretty much pick and choose who they get to spend time with. So far, it has worked out well. I am a SAHM and lets face it, they need me to cart them from point A to B.
We had a boy move in across the street two years ago that I knew was going to be a problem. I gave him the benefit of the doubt but when his mother threatened to kill me, I told my son that the entire family was off limits. He asked if he could say hi to the boy and maybe walk home from the bus with him, and I agreed. BUT, that was the limit. My kids tell me everything and they may not agree with all the decisions I make but we talk through them and move on.

Yikes! Sounds like that mom's a loony!

I'll consider what you've said. I'm still not so sure.

 

[Marseeya]

Okay, I finally got a chance to read through your responses and there were two things I didn't add in my first post.

Regarding the girlfriend, I do expect him to treat her with respect, but I do not want him to be exclusive with any one girl! He's only 14 and for him to be in a serious relationship is just too much at this point in his life. And that leads me to the first thing I forgot to add. This new girl he's hanging out with is one in a group of girls. He doesn't hang out with her or any of these girls one on one -- it's all in a group. I'm not sure if they all are, but a few of these girls are his girlfriend's friends.

Another thing is, I actually approve of his friendship with this group of girls as a whole. Whenever he's spent any amount of time with his male friends, he gets so sullen and angst ridden (in case you've missed my previous posts, he's bipolar). We can hardly bear him after he's been with his male friends. After he's been with these girls, they seem to soften him somehow and put him in a much better frame of mind.

I was able to speak with this girl earlier this evening. My son was trying to put her on the phone and I heard her in the background saying, "Stop! I'm afraid of her, please don't make me talk to her!" So my son just shoved the phone up to her ear. I told her to not be silly, that she's got a fresh start with me and as long as she treats me with respect and treats my son well, we'll get along just fine. (we'll see how that goes) She assured me she would.

Anyway, thanks for the input, I'm definitely going to be taking it all into consideration. Whether I follow any particular advice or not, be assured I'm listening!