Need advice on in-law problems

[C.Ann]

There's a simple solution to that...change the locks and don't give her the new key.

My parents and a couple of my neighbors have a key in case of emergency, but none of them would ever think of doing something like that. If they did, the locks would be changed and the offending party would not get a key!!!!!

------------------------------

DD would do it in a heartbeat, but her DH seems to think it's "necessary" for his parents to have a key to their house and has no problem with them nosing around, going through the mail, etc..

I can't tell you how many times I have gotten up in the morning, come downstairs and jumped a mile in the air because DD's FIL was standing there in the kitchen.. When I moved in there my DD very nicely asked them if they would at least ring the doorbell before entering, but they don't..

I had a key to my DD's house since the day they bought it and before I moved in, I used it exactly 3 times - when DD was in the hospital and asked me to go to the house and pick something up for her..

 

[DVC Sadie]

Someone once asked me why I allowed my MIL to treat me disrespectfully, I replied,"I love my husband and don't want to cause a problem with their relationship".

My dh had a talk with his mother about the way she was treating me. He let her know in a nice way that if she made him choose between me and her that she would lose. This happened over 16 years ago.

Now I get along with my MIL and talk to her several times a week. I encourage my dh to visit his mother frequently and I stay home so I can take care of my dogs.

Sometimes a compromise will work. I would definitely let your dh do the talking to his parents.

 

[bananiem]

I think you have to be very diplomatic about it. All of my grandparents were gone by the time I was 5 and I've always wished I had some sort of memories of grandparents doting on me. I guess that's why I don't mind the time my kids spend with their grandparents (they also live 4 hours away) even if I don't think it's the kind of stuff I feel they should be doing with the kids. (Of course if I thought it was dangerous in any way I'd intervene.)
As for C.Ann, I'm sorry your dd has those kind of in-laws. OTOH, I know my parents would be jealous if my in-laws got to be here every day when the kids got home from school, and vice versa.

 

[j's m]

Disneychick05,

Is this my MIL, does she have another son? Our stories are almost identical (we live in SJ too!) except my DS is 11. She used to stop by when he was an infant and not even call. Well, I didn't even answer the door! I had to get caller id just because of her. But if I don't answer the phone or call back within an hour, she's calling back again and again. She thinks since I work from home, I'm not really working.

From the day my son was an infant she has been interferring and making her own rules. Including when DS was in CHOP for 2 weeks after he was born, she told all the relatives NOT to call us and bother us. Here my son was gravely ill and I was wondering why no one cared about us/him enough to call. She would babysit and put him on his stomach covered with a ton of blankets in the hottest room in the house, Hello, SIDS, even after I told her.
And guess what, she does whatever she wants ever since. Both DH and I have been up against her whenever she did babysit but she does what she wants. One time I even took my son's winter coat in the car with me when I dropped him off so she couldn't take him outside. Another time I took his shoes.

Back on track: Keep on letting her know what you don't like, start with DH but you let her know too, otherwise she'll think she can run over you like a bulldozer. It doesn't get better with these kinds of people, it gets worse. We only let them babysit in an emergency now, and depending where we are going, we take DS with us, we give him the choice, even to nice restaurants with friends.

Good luck.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I have caller ID and I do screen my calls, however, MIL leaves messages and specifically requests that I give her call b/c she wants to stop over at "some point" during the day. So I feel obligated to return her call since her plan is stop over that same day. If I don't return the call that day, the whole thing drags on day after day until I agree to let her stop over. Basically if I was not home all day this wouldn't be happening. Also, if I don't pick up the phone at home, she calls my cell phone. It has become a constant game of phone tag where I am required to call back on almost a daily basis. I just can't tke it anymore!

Wow!!!
This is harassment, pure and simple.
And, believe me, the inlaws know just what they are doing. This looks like major 'control issues'.

edited to add:
You should not feel that you are under any obligation here whatsoever!!!

Phone numbers can be changed as well as locks.
I am being dead serious here.
Could you change everything except for your DH's cell, so that she could reach her son if she really needed????

You should speak with your DH about all of this very seriously.

You can try to address these things, and 'change' the inlaws behavior, but from what you have posted, and from the personal experience of myself and many others, this will likely just escalate big-time.

I would seriously consider simply withdrawing from the relationship at this point.

Then, the time for re-negotiating will be at the point where your inlaws see that if they want to see their grandchildren, it must be on their parents (including their son here, not just you...) terms.

This will be where you will be more likely to see results.

And, if they choose to be hateful and spiteful and to continue to keep all ties severed, then you can rest assured that this is THEIR decision and THEIR problem, not yours.

Your DH needs to take a stand.

 

[disneychick05]

j's m: This seems to be really common in our area...a lot of people I meet have the same MIL issues. Mine wants to do whatever she wants and has no respect for how we want our children to be raised. At least my mom is close to babysit for us when needed, other than that MIL will now only be babysitting if it is an emergency. Maybe now that your DS is getting older he can stay at a friend's house when you & DH want to go out! Good luck

 

[Quinn222]

------------------------------

Be glad she even calls.. DD's MIL just lets herself in whenever she wants - even when someone is home to open the door - (with her key that she "has" to have in case of an "emergency" - although DD does NOT have a key to her in-laws house) - and quite often she shows up right around mail time (especially if no one is home) so she can nosey through the mail and see what kind of bills and such we all get..

Oh no. Change the locks and get a mailbox that has a lock on it. If she asks for a key simply refuse. Be poilte but firm.

 

[Quinn222]

I have caller ID and I do screen my calls, however, MIL leaves messages and specifically requests that I give her call b/c she wants to stop over at "some point" during the day. So I feel obligated to return her call since her plan is stop over that same day. If I don't return the call that day, the whole thing drags on day after day until I agree to let her stop over. Basically if I was not home all day this wouldn't be happening. Also, if I don't pick up the phone at home, she calls my cell phone. It has become a constant game of phone tag where I am required to call back on almost a daily basis. I just can't tke it anymore!
Thanks for the great advice!!!

"Thanks so much for calling but today is not a good. When it is a good day we will invite you. We're very busy so spur of the moment visits will have to stop. So sorry."

Or you could always turn the tables and drop by unannounced often and at inconvenient times and see how she likes it.

 

[lowie]

Some of the things involve common sense safety issues and other things have to do with bizzare, unadult-like behavior when she is around him. We have had these concerns for 4 years now and this was the first time DH spoke up and told her. Meanwhile, his relationship with her has suffered b/c he has bottled it all up, and it's possible that she doesn't know how he and I feel. When DH called her she got defensive and mad and put my FIL on the phone. FIL yelled at DH and they didn't speak to us for 2 1/2 weeks. They called and want to talk, so we are meeting w/ them in a few days.

My question is: How invoved in this conversation should I be?

well, when it involves your child you have the right and responsibility to speak up... i could have written your post myself. my in-laws live just a few miles away, they USED to drop in unexpectantly, she'd do my laundry and then tell people i needed new bras! she'd snoop through our closets, well until we put porno movies on the floor right inside the door but the camels back broke when she cornered my friend/next door neighbor and said really awful things about me and my 10 year old dd!
up until that point i'd let my dh handle it, he'd really lace into her too, but she didn't learn.. so, i let it RIP! i freaked out on her, told her every little thing that she ever did to bug me... then i did the unthinkable.. i banned her from seeing her grandson :::gasp::: he's her LIFE, can you say 'favortism'?? well, it's been months and we're still not talking, although i've let her see my son, but only with my hubby there. cause i don't trust her, it's sad but it's reality

 

[miss missy]

How did the talk go ???

 

[disneychick05]

UPDATE:

We had the talk with the in-laws. MIL first asked DH to start from the time that DS was born and tell her what the problem was from that point. He started to say some of the things she did with DS that we didn't agree with. I couldn't help but add some of my own thoughts, and I think overall that was a good thing. I feel much better that I described some recent things she has done w/ DS and pointed out why those things are unsafe and not what we want our child to do. I then told her that the best time for them to visit would be on Fri. or Sat. night when it could be a family visit, not one-on-one time w/ DS. * I don't think I ever mentioned DS 11 months who she does not even acknowledge....AT ALL.* In the past she would come over and not even hold DS(baby) or interact with him. I wanted to put a stop to the calling to set up these private play sessions for her and DS4 and I think it worked. They have a regular social agenda on the weekends so I know she was not happy with what I said. She did say she would pay more attention to safety isssues so we'll see. Overall I think we accomplished two things: She agreed to be more careful and more grandmother-like towards our kids; and if all goes as planned they will be calling and visiting on OUR terms not theirs....All of the good advice here was really appreciated!!!

Moving on to post a new thread about BIL issues.... ahhhhhh!

 

[miss missy]

Glad it went well.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Glad you talked! Remember this is a new beginning so you are going to have to do some "tweaking"...

Be postive & stay strong mom!