Need advice on in-law problems

[disneychick05]

I'll try to make this as short as I can.....

A few weeks ago, I finally convinced DH to call his mom and tell her that we we have concerns about some of the things she does with our DS4 y.o.

Some of the things involve common sense safety issues and other things have to do with bizzare, unadult-like behavior when she is around him. We have had these concerns for 4 years now and this was the first time DH spoke up and told her. Meanwhile, his relationship with her has suffered b/c he has bottled it all up, and it's possible that she doesn't know how he and I feel. When DH called her she got defensive and mad and put my FIL on the phone. FIL yelled at DH and they didn't speak to us for 2 1/2 weeks. They called and want to talk, so we are meeting w/ them in a few days.

My question is: How invoved in this conversation should I be? Should I just tell them everything i want to tell them and get it off my chest? Or should I let DH lead the conversation and chime in if I feel the need? I have some other issues w/ MIL calling me several times a week to find out our plans and find out when she can come over, etc. How can I tell her to stop calling me to find out my schedule and plans without sounding like I am rude? I'm not sure if it is my place to tell them that mostly everything they do bothers me. Any advice would be really helpful.

 

[Aidensmom]

Have you asked your husband about this? He might be the best person to answer.

I have had some "issues" with my inlaws too, where they have no regard for our rules for him, feed him stuff his doctor has told us to take him off of, and even totally disregarded me when I put him in time out one day, Grandma came and picked him up and hugged him and pretty much made me out to be a bad guy. I told DH he needed to say something, or I would, and I would not be so nice becaue they were not MY parents. He took care of it.

 

[kbkids]

Oh, the stories I could tell . . . . I voice my feelings to my DH, who relays them in a much more tactful manner than I could.

 

[Snow Brite]

Oh, the stories I could tell . . . . I voice my feelings to my DH, who relays them in a much more tactful manner than I could.

They are his parents and he should be the one to do the talking. You should talk to him first about your concerns and then try to stay as quiet as possible, but defend HIM if needed. If you are the one doing the talking, it will not carry as much weight as if it is their son. He was raised by them, loves them, and knows them. YOU were raised in some weird family with different values, hate them and know nothing about them.

 

[goofy's friends]

I think I would let him do the talking and try to bite your tongue. I know it's hard, but you don't want the relationship to be strained forever. I would see how it goes after this talk and see if it needs to be addressed again. Letting them know everything you really feel about them will only aleinate you and could even cause strain on your marrage. I often have to remind myself that no matter how much they bug me, they are his parents and I love him enough to put up with them---to an extent

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

do you have to be there when the talk happens? if so then just don't say anything. he should do all the talking since they are his parents. good luck!

 

[Beth76]

You should ask your husband this same question too. I'm sure you will. I think you should let him at least start off the conversation. It seems like some of it is about his relationship with them. But if things start talking about the dealings with your child, you have every right to chime in. Especially if you feel that your DH can't quite get the point across that needs to be made. Good luck with this. To both of you.

 

[miss missy]

I dunno, its a tough one. I thought if I was in your shoes... boy I don't care who it was, if it was something involving my child... well I couldn't hold back. And I think, you are part of the family, you are all equal in my eyes. At least this is how it is in my IL family. But then I think futher and realize DH doesn't get involved on my side much, they aren't as close, but I am sure if it came to his DD, he would do what he had to.

Now I am VERY VERY close to my MIL. She is more like a mother. She never interfares with our schedule and has always drilled in our heads that say no if it doesn't work for us. Now what she does, is 1 day each week at each grandchilds house. Same day each week. Mine is Saturdays. She does Monday at one, Friday at another. She comes, feeds, cleans lol yep , plays and is just awesome! If I wanna go out I can if I wanna stay home and get things done I can, it is a great plan with all of her DIL's and she is sooo close to al lthe gkids. Maybe that work for you, give her a time slot and that'll cut down the calls for scheduling.

Ya, talk to DH and make sure you both are on the same page.

Best of luck! This to shall pass!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Ok...here is what you do. Next time a behavior is displayed you do not agree with, you call it on the spot.
Tell them to stop it in your most polite manner.
Only supervised visits are allowed from here on out. No babysitting.

Now if you are going to tell me they would "go off", go crazy mad, act like they are "hurt", or something now you have a different issue.

That would mean you were not stopping their "stuff" out of fear of their "wrath" whatever that may be, correct?

So what you do is train them, and correct, correct, correct when they do something that is not "allowed".
It will assert you as the authority (not gonna take the BS anymore) and you are working for resolution.

 

[disneychick05]

Thanks you for all of the great advice! Mystery Machine: Your plan sounds like what I should have done all along...I will be trying this from now on...I hope I can do it!! I will post back tommorrow night after the big talk.

 

[C.Ann]

I have some other issues w/ MIL calling me several times a week to find out our plans and find out when she can come over, etc. How can I tell her to stop calling me to find out my schedule and plans without sounding like I am rude?

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Be glad she even calls.. DD's MIL just lets herself in whenever she wants - even when someone is home to open the door - (with her key that she "has" to have in case of an "emergency" - although DD does NOT have a key to her in-laws house) - and quite often she shows up right around mail time (especially if no one is home) so she can nosey through the mail and see what kind of bills and such we all get..

 

[LindsayDunn228]

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Be glad she even calls.. DD's MIL just lets herself in whenever she wants - even when someone is home to open the door - (with her key that she "has" to have in case of an "emergency" - although DD does NOT have a key to her in-laws house) - and quite often she shows up right around mail time (especially if no one is home) so she can nosey through the mail and see what kind of bills and such we all get..

Oh no, no, no, no. That woud just be too much for me. Keep your paws off our mail.

 

[hentob]

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Be glad she even calls.. DD's MIL just lets herself in whenever she wants - even when someone is home to open the door - (with her key that she "has" to have in case of an "emergency" - although DD does NOT have a key to her in-laws house) - and quite often she shows up right around mail time (especially if no one is home) so she can nosey through the mail and see what kind of bills and such we all get..

I would change my lock. Tell your DD to change it and say to her MIL: "Oh-We haven't been able to get a spare key made yet. But if there is a true emergency, call the police department".

Someone looking through somebody else's mail? Ugh. That is beyond invasive

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I would let your DH do most of the talking since it is his parents. I would be there to support him and as back-up. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of in-laws!

As you know the mistake was not speaking up years ago so that things built up. You now need to decide on the boundries and stick to them. Doesn't sound easy--good luck! As long as you and your DH are in agreement you can do it, though.

 

[Disney Doll]

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Be glad she even calls.. DD's MIL just lets herself in whenever she wants - even when someone is home to open the door - (with her key that she "has" to have in case of an "emergency" - although DD does NOT have a key to her in-laws house) - and quite often she shows up right around mail time (especially if no one is home) so she can nosey through the mail and see what kind of bills and such we all get..

There's a simple solution to that...change the locks and don't give her the new key.

My parents and a couple of my neighbors have a key in case of emergency, but none of them would ever think of doing something like that. If they did, the locks would be changed and the offending party would not get a key!!!!!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Oooopps, computer screwed up.
see post below.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Been there done that with the in-laws!!!!
You are getting some great advice here.

I want to add one huge comment.

YOU CAN NOT CHANGE THE WAY SOMEONE ELSE BEHAVES,
ONLY THE WAY YOU REACT TO IT!!!

Do not, I repeat, do not, expect that there will be any immediate change in your inlaws behavior!!!! You can't go into this expecting to change someone.

Here is what you need to do.
Your DH should make your boundaries very clear.
Instead of pointing out their 'inappropriate' behavior.
Point out YOUR issues and how you (as parents and husband and wife) will handle them.

For example:
Instead of, "You call way too much and invade our privace/space".
Say, "We (note the WE) value our privace and our space. Therefore, we will be screening all calls on our answering machine. We may or may not answer your calls". (I have to wonder, if MIL is calling all the time like that, why are you picking up and subjecting yourselves to this????)

NOTE: People can only do these things to you if you let them.
Repeat after me.... "Peaple can only do these things if you let them".

Here is another big kicker!
If this has been going on and on and your DH has been hesitant to defend your and your childrens needs and boundaries, then this is a whole additional problem.

This is not an inlaw problem, this is a marriage problem.

Make sure you and your DH are on the same page, and he does what is right by you and your children.

Lastly,
HUGS!!!


Like I said, I've been there done that, and I know how it is. So hugs are definately in order!

 

[RUDisney]

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Be glad she even calls.. DD's MIL just lets herself in whenever she wants - even when someone is home to open the door - (with her key that she "has" to have in case of an "emergency" - although DD does NOT have a key to her in-laws house) - and quite often she shows up right around mail time (especially if no one is home) so she can nosey through the mail and see what kind of bills and such we all get..

And, that's the reason we changed our locks and didn't give MIL another key. There is no reason for her to be there when we aren't. There is no reason for her to rummage through our stuff and listen to our answering machine. Only, it wasn't only her. She'd give our key to her DDs to come to our house to do things, or drop things off.

Now, she knows that if there is an emergency, she can call my parents. They have a key.

My DH agrees with this concept. She used to just let herself in without knocking when we were first married.

Gee, maybe if they walked around in their underwear and she let herself in, it would be the last time she didn't knock.

OP, let your DH do most of the talking and only be there to back up what he said even though that they know that it is evil you who put him up to having this conversation with them in the first place.

 

[GADISNEYGIRL]

We're dealing with the same sorts of things. Last fall, DH and his parents had a big blow-out (I was involved initially, because he was out of town... but once he came back, I let him handle it all). Where our relationship with them used to be "okay", it is now just barely civil. Of course, according to her, everything is my fault... and I do mean everything... if something is wrong in her life, it is because of me! DS (also 4) does not have the relationship with them that any of us want(ed)... but now it is their issue, not ours. Fortunately, they live a couple of hours away.

Good luck, I hope your situation turns out better than ours has.

 

[disneychick05]

.
Instead of, "You call way too much and invade our privace/space".
Say, "We (note the WE) value our privace and our space. Therefore, we will be screening all calls on our answering machine. We may or may not answer your calls". (I have to wonder, if MIL is calling all the time like that, why are you picking up and subjecting yourselves to this????)

I have caller ID and I do screen my calls, however, MIL leaves messages and specifically requests that I give her call b/c she wants to stop over at "some point" during the day. So I feel obligated to return her call since her plan is stop over that same day. If I don't return the call that day, the whole thing drags on day after day until I agree to let her stop over. Basically if I was not home all day this wouldn't be happening. Also, if I don't pick up the phone at home, she calls my cell phone. It has become a constant game of phone tag where I am required to call back on almost a daily basis. I just can't tke it anymore!
Thanks for the great advice!!!