need advice on disrespectful mother-in-law

[Mouse House Mama]

OP- You don't have to handle it. Your DH does.

 

[dogodisney]

I am not a grandmother--yet. But, if I were watching my grandchildren, and somebody-anybody-asked if they could watch them for the day, I would say something like, "I am only the caretaker, but try asking their parents. If they tell me it's ok, then it's fine with me!"

Under no circumstances would I allow them to go off with someone else until I knew directly from their parents that it was ok with them.

That's smart thinking on your part but not everyone else is going to think that way. I was looking at it at different angles as I am a grandmother raising my DGD(6) and we really don't know the whole situation with the MIL.

 

[princessmom29]

I must disagree, respectfully. As a woman who will probably become a grandmother within the next five years (daughter getting married in the summer!), I can easily imagine myself being a babysitter. I would NEVER take my future grandchildren anywhere without getting their parents' permission first, even if that is just a simple, "hey, I need to run to the store while so-and-so is here, can I take him/her with me?"

And if their other grandmother, or any other relative, asked to take them, it would simply be courteous to first discuss it with their parents.

I think it boils down to trust. My mother keeps DD when she has a day out of school and I don't, early dismissal days, ect and takes her overnight about once a month for DH and I to have a Date night. I trust her completely with my child. She raised me for heaven's sake. I think it would be disrespectful of me to expect her to call me everytime they wanted to go get ice cream, or go to Chuck E Cheese. They have taken her to the beach for the day (a 2 hour drive) without telling me before, and that is fine. She is a responsible adult and is my Mom. I do not need to micromanage her time with DD. She is a perfectly capable parent/grandparent and deserves my trust and respect. If I didn't feel that way I wouldn't leave my child with her. I cannot fathom having her get every move preapproved.

 

[nexttripdisney]

If this happens again, your mom needs to refer your mother-in-law to you and your husband. She should just say, "I can't make the decision about where the kids spend the day. You need to check with their parents."

Jeez, the woman wants to spend some time with her grandkids, cut her some slack. This is pretty minor; save your anger for serious stuff. Take Luv Bunnies suggestion and don't make a federal case out of it.

 

[MomtoAlexnWilliam]

Jeez, the woman wants to spend some time with her grandkids, cut her some slack. This is pretty minor; save your anger for serious stuff. Take Luv Bunnies suggestion and don't make a federal case out of it.

Sometimes it's not as simple as you would like to think. Sometimes people go around you as an act of disrespect. If this is part of a pattern, I can understand the OP being upset.

 

[kpgriswold]

Jeez, the woman wants to spend some time with her grandkids, cut her some slack. This is pretty minor; save your anger for serious stuff. Take Luv Bunnies suggestion and don't make a federal case out of it.

OP stated that her MIL routinely disregards what she and her husband say and undermines them as the child's ultimate authority. This is NOT minor.

 

[kevschickee]

Jeez, the woman wants to spend some time with her grandkids, cut her some slack. This is pretty minor; save your anger for serious stuff. Take Luv Bunnies suggestion and don't make a federal case out of it.

It isn't about her wanting to spend time with them it is about her being sneaky

 

[AirGoofy]

What was that line ..."and now, the rest of the story". I think this is a minor issue, but as you said, it's the last straw, so there is way more to this story. My parents have little to do with my children. They are only 2 hours away, but only see them on birthdays and holidays - no soccer games, Christmas plays, etc. So, I probably would welcome them wanting to spend anytime with them. As others have said, your spouse needs to address his mother.

 

[DVC Sadie]

OP- You don't have to handle it. Your DH does.

You've got that right! His parents means he handles the talk.

 

[amyj1024]

Yes, but we are also talking about grandmothers. My mother also kept my DD when she was little. In my experience, family sitting is quite different then a nonrelated sitter. When my mom kept DD, if she needed to run errends or decided to take DD out for lunch, she didn't ask my permission every time. "Hey I need to run to the grocery, is that ok?" would have gotten old quickly for both of us."

You are naive to think that all 'grandmothers' are great people. There are plenty of people on this planet that don't even deserve to be parents--and are not good ones. Those same people can eventually become grandparents, so just because this person is a 'grandmother' does not mean she is a reliable, responsible person that I would want my children with by themselves.

 

[CJ's Mommy]

Good afternoon all,
My mother-in-law always disrepects mine and my husband's wishes when it comes to our children. Her latest stunt is the last straw and I could use any advice on where to go from here. My mom keeps our kids while we are at work. My mother-in-law took off from work tomorrow and this past weekend called my mom to ask if it will be alright for her to keep the kids that day. She has yet to call my husband and I and my mom is under the impression that my mother-in-law is keeping the kids tomorrow. I think it is totally disrespectful for her to bypass us and go to my mom for permission to keep the kids. What should I do?

While I don't disagree that your MIL needs to ask you and DH for permission to care for your kids, I don't understand why your mom would not just say, "Well, it's fine with me, but I really think you need to run that past your son and daughter in law and get back to me" That is what I would have done if I were her. How can she just hand over the kids tomorrow without this ever being approved by you? IMO, they are both doing something weird.

 

[kawing123]

Tell your MIL like it is. I have a twenty something year old. In high school she started giving us a problem. She would call her grandparents and say her dad is yelling at her and she is scared. On two occasions they called the police. This just fueled her. Everytime we would say no should would say I am going to call the police. She ran up a cell phone bill with no means to pay. It was under my name so I took it away, Grandparent thought that was ridiculous and thus another situation. To this day is still is like this. She was brought up with morals and respect. She has had many boyfriends and has lived with quite a few. We got so fed up we told her when she considered someone serious and has known them quite some time then we would be interested in meeting them. If she wants casual partners than we really disagree with that lifestyle and keep that private. Again here comes the grandparents. They live three hours away by the way and will gladly have up any Tom Dick or Harry she meets. Last Christmas she asked for a IPOD. She suddenly got laid off so she needed food and cash so I could not do both. She received a year supply of contact lenses, a food basket a few sweaters and fifty dollars from us. Grandparents walk in a Christmas Day, and say to her let me see the IPOD. She did not have one and they looked at me no IPOD.. HMMM Grandma says I feel like I missed Christmas. She got the IPOD after Christmas from you no who. This Christmas Day will not be spent with them. Either before or after because that did put a damper on the day for us as parents. Tell MIL.

 

[tartemis]

From someone who also has had to have discussions regarding the grandkids and a difficult MIL, I agree that DH has to do the talking. We have tried to talk to MIL as a team and she gets immediately defensive. It seems to go better when DH does it on his own (although I don't always believe that he says everything to her that he tells me he did). I also agree with a PP that said to make your expectations as blatantly obvious as possible so there is no room for misinterpretation. I, too, gave up caring about trying to keep my MIL happy-it takes too much out of my day. I am much happier as a result. Good luck to you

I agree with this post completely. And I had to LOL after reading it because I have the same questions about what really goes on when my DH has those talks with his MIL. In the end, however, I have given up really caring as long as the end result is that she isn't a negative force in our life.

 

[tartemis]

You are naive to think that all 'grandmothers' are great people. There are plenty of people on this planet that don't even deserve to be parents--and are not good ones. Those same people can eventually become grandparents, so just because this person is a 'grandmother' does not mean she is a reliable, responsible person that I would want my children with by themselves.

Exactly. Somehow my MIL managed to raise my DH without killing him, but both DH and I agree that our kids will never be alone with her -- we simply can't trust that she will abide by our wishes.

 

[tam626]

I agree that just being a grandparent does'nt make you a great person. I rarely let my 4 yr old go with my inlaws. They barely have any morals & feel that it's ok to lie about anything & everything. Honesty is a major thing for me. I managed to instill it into my older two kids & won't let my son be influenced by people who seem to think it's ok to lie.

 

[Nancyg56]

Yes, but we are also talking about grandmothers. My mother also kept my DD when she was little. In my experience, family sitting is quite different then a nonrelated sitter. When my mom kept DD, if she needed to run errends or decided to take DD out for lunch, she didn't ask my permission every time. "Hey I need to run to the grocery, is that ok?" would have gotten old quickly for both of us."

I think it boils down to trust. My mother keeps DD when she has a day out of school and I don't, early dismissal days, ect and takes her overnight about once a month for DH and I to have a Date night. I trust her completely with my child. She raised me for heaven's sake. I think it would be disrespectful of me to expect her to call me everytime they wanted to go get ice cream, or go to Chuck E Cheese. They have taken her to the beach for the day (a 2 hour drive) without telling me before, and that is fine. She is a responsible adult and is my Mom. I do not need to micromanage her time with DD. She is a perfectly capable parent/grandparent and deserves my trust and respect. If I didn't feel that way I wouldn't leave my child with her. I cannot fathom having her get every move preapproved.

I watched my DGD for several years and my DD trusted my judgment. I normally got the call for Kady to visit, it was common knowledge that she was here during the day. I checked with my DD only if I was not sure if my DD wanted Kady to visit on that day or time. Now I occasionally babysit the little one down the street and I know who her Mom is comfortable with and who she is not. I know that if my DD asks to take the little one with her it is okay with her Mom and would never think to call and get permission. All of these discussions have already taken place.

I am sure that there is more to this story for the OP to be upset by this.