Need advice! Help please!

[darlak]

Just looking for some opinions. I'm 48 and have lived in the South most of my life. The same is true of most of my and my DH's family. My DH has a nephew who's 36 and has never really lived in the South. He's living in Missouri now and comes home for only a couple of short visits a year to see his father, who returned to the South after he retired. His father lives in a very small town, so we often pick up the nephew from the airport and take him to his father's home. I've known this nephew since he was about 9 years old. On his visits home, he always wants to spend as much time as he can with all of the extended family. Whenever he leaves, I always get the feeling that he really is going to miss everyone and that he wishes he had more contact with his family. I keep mentioning the "South" thing because he often makes comments about how stereotypical he believes most people are here, including most of the other members of DH's family. For the past couple of visits, we've noticed that he's wearing a wedding band. By some odd sort of unspoken agreement we seem to have reached years ago, we never ask him questions about his personal life. He also sometimes slips and says "we" when talking about things at his home; i.e. "we bought" or "we did". I think that he either has a same sex partner or perhaps a partner of another race. I also believe that he feels whichever it is would not be accepted by his family. I'm sure by now you must be thinking, "Why does this woman feel that his personal life is any of her business?" I know that it isn't my business, but I believe that he would like more contact with his family and as I'm very fond of this nephew, I would love to have him be a bigger part of our life and would love to meet whoever he may be sharing his life with. He's bright, witty and compassionate and I'm sure his partner will probably be equally as interesting and charming. So...my question is, is there anyway that I can convey to him my interest and level of acceptance of whoever his partner is, without seeming as intrusive as I probably am being. I'm envisioning warm fuzzy holidays sitting around the fire and large family dinners. Maybe he doesn't even want that, but my gut feeling is that he does. He has no real contact with his mother, who has been hospitalized since he was a small child, or with her family. As far as blood relatives, we're pretty much it. So I'm open for any advice, even it's just that I should mind my own business.

 

[allyphoe]

"So, tell me more about your husband!"

If he visits wearing a ring and making "slips," he's giving you an opening to follow up if you're so inclined. IMHO, at least.

 

[ConcKahuna]

"So, tell me more about your husband!"

If he visits wearing a ring and making "slips," he's giving you an opening to follow up if you're so inclined. IMHO, at least.

That's actually a pretty good idea. For a very long time my partner and I were "roomates" to my family. Even though I was out to my mom, most of my family is very old-fashioned. No one has every asked me, but by now almost the whole family has it figured out. They always ask after my partner, and when they visit they always bring us out to dinner or whatnot (and it's never a question of if Jeff will go or not, they just assume he will ).

I do have one aunt who I don't think has figured it out, but she tends to be a bit racist so who knows what she'd think of me being gay

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

If someone else in your extended family showed up wearing a wedding ring, would you not comment?

In a private setting, I'd begin by apologizing to him for not asking about his wedding before. Then I would make it as clear as possible that you love him, and want him and anyone he loves in your life. He needs to know that you will accept him without reservation.

You seem to be a very sincere person. That will show through when you talk with him. All the best to you.

 

[imike24]

Yeah good recommendation. I will do that too Hope everything is fine now. All the best!

 

[darlak]

Well, we spent most of the day with the nephew and the rest of our extended family today. I could never seem to get any alone time with him. Finally at the end of the evening, as he was hugging everyone that he may not see again on this trip, I just said quietly as we were hugging, "I hope you'll be back sooner this time and the next time you come, I hope you'll bring whoever's wearing the ring that matches the one you're wearing." He looked just a little startled and then laughed just a little too long. I guess that's really all I can do for now. I think I also have to accept the possibility that he just doesn't want us to meet his partner. Maybe he really does think we all fit the stereotypical Southern image. He's my family in my heart, if not by blood, and I want to include his partner in our family as well, but I really have to leave that choice up to him. That's going to be my mantra; "It's beyond my control, it's beyond my control..." I have just a few control issues. Can you tell? I'm trying to keep them in check.

 

[TuckandStuiesMom]

He's my family in my heart, if not by blood, and I want to include his partner in our family as well

Sounds a whole lot more like a kind, loving heart and an open, inclusive mind to me rather than any kind of control issue. Still, it is very wise of you to let your nephew take these steps in his own way and at his own pace...

 

[hematite153]

I agree with TuckandStuiesMom. It sounds like you are open and loving and just want him to feel accepted.

Perhaps you could send him an invitation to come visit you (and stay with you) in a few months. If he's ready he might be willing to bring his partner. If not, he may still come (since you say he seems to desire more contact with family) and you'd probably get a chance for a private conversation if he was staying with you.

I hope that he is eventually ready to see your acceptance and unconditional love.

 

[darlak]

I agree with TuckandStuiesMom. It sounds like you are open and loving and just want him to feel accepted.

Perhaps you could send him an invitation to come visit you (and stay with you) in a few months. If he's ready he might be willing to bring his partner. If not, he may still come (since you say he seems to desire more contact with family) and you'd probably get a chance for a private conversation if he was staying with you.

I hope that he is eventually ready to see your acceptance and unconditional love.

That's a great idea. I think I'll wait until fall and then invite him down for Thanksgiving or Christmas, whichever works best for him. Thanks for all the advice! He left to return home today. I miss him already.