Need advice for my Teen DD to help a friend

[lovetoscrap]

My DD13 and a friend have just come to me with a concern. They are seriously worried about a friend of theirs. This girl moved all the way across the country at the end of last year but they keep in contact by texting and email etc..

This girl was a great straight laced DISNEY loving girl here. (she wore something Disney EVERY day to school!) Now she is texting them that she is smoking weed, getting drunk, and may be "going too far" with her boyfriend. She also apparently sent a text threatening to kill herself a few weeks ago.

The girls are worried sick. They want to help and came to me for advice. Of course there isn't anything I can do. I don't know the parents -- and it sounds like they aren't very involved in her goings on anyway. I have advised them to talk to their counselor at school on Thursday, show her the texts and let her deal with it. I assume if they think there is a legit concern maybe the counselor can contact the counselors at her new school to check on things.

Any other suggestions? The girls feel so helpless and are so upset by these choices she is making.

 

[mkymouse1928]

The suicide threat really worries me. Could you contact the Department of Children and Family Services in the city she now lives in? Or maybe contact a suicide help line? They may be able to give you some direction.

 

[RitaZ.]

My DD13 and a friend have just come to me with a concern. They are seriously worried about a friend of theirs. This girl moved all the way across the country at the end of last year but they keep in contact by texting and email etc..

This girl was a great straight laced DISNEY loving girl here. (she wore something Disney EVERY day to school!) Now she is texting them that she is smoking weed, getting drunk, and may be "going too far" with her boyfriend. She also apparently sent a text threatening to kill herself a few weeks ago.

The girls are worried sick. They want to help and came to me for advice. Of course there isn't anything I can do. I don't know the parents -- and it sounds like they aren't very involved in her goings on anyway. I have advised them to talk to their counselor at school on Thursday, show her the texts and let her deal with it. I assume if they think there is a legit concern maybe the counselor can contact the counselors at her new school to check on things.

Any other suggestions? The girls feel so helpless and are so upset by these choices she is making.

Maybe she is having difficulty adjusting to the move and is saying all those things to get their attention. It sounds so extreme that it makes me wonder if any of it is true. I mean, in the span of a year she went from being "This girl was a great straight laced DISNEY loving girl here. (she wore something Disney EVERY day to school!)" to doing drugs, drinking, going "too far" with a boyfriend and threatening to commit suicide. Sounds extreme.

 

[lovetoscrap]

Maybe she is having difficulty adjusting to the move and is saying all those things to get their attention. It sounds so extreme that it makes me wonder if any of it is true. I mean, in the span of a year she went from being "This girl was a great straight laced DISNEY loving girl here. (she wore something Disney EVERY day to school!)" to doing drugs, drinking, going "too far" with a boyfriend and threatening to commit suicide. Sounds extreme.

That was my thought too. I knew this girl through contact at school and I just can't believe this. I asked the girls if they thought maybe that could be what is happening. She has a sister that they are also friends with so they have been trying to get information from her. But the sisters don't get along so she hasn't been much help. And of course my girls don't want to betray their trust.

I feel bad for them. They are so worried.

 

[RitaZ.]

That was my thought too. I knew this girl through contact at school and I just can't believe this. I asked the girls if they thought maybe that could be what is happening. She has a sister that they are also friends with so they have been trying to get information from her. But the sisters don't get along so she hasn't been much help. And of course my girls don't want to betray their trust.

I feel bad for them. They are so worried.

I understand.

 

[minkydog]

Do any of the girls have her new address and home phone? If so, I think you need to call her parents with your concerns. The girls aren't going to want to do this--it would feel like they were betraying their friend. But if she is doing drugs(or at least, saying she is) and expressing thoughts of self-harm, she needs adults to step in to help.

I wouldn't just leave it in the hands of the girls on the possibility that they'll tell their guidance counselor and then SHE will contact...who? I got lost. Do it yourself and you'll have the satisfaction that you did all YOU could to deter this girl from going off the deep end.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

Maybe she is having difficulty adjusting to the move and is saying all those things to get their attention. It sounds so extreme that it makes me wonder if any of it is true. I mean, in the span of a year she went from being "This girl was a great straight laced DISNEY loving girl here. (she wore something Disney EVERY day to school!)" to doing drugs, drinking, going "too far" with a boyfriend and threatening to commit suicide. Sounds extreme.

Actually, that is a possibility, but it's also possible this girl is doing everything she says. It does happen. Ever seen the movie 13? That stuff really does happen. I remember a dear friend of a young relation who went off the rails as a freshman in HS and only came to her senses after she had several STDs.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

My DD13 and a friend have just come to me with a concern. They are seriously worried about a friend of theirs. This girl moved all the way across the country at the end of last year but they keep in contact by texting and email etc..

This girl was a great straight laced DISNEY loving girl here. (she wore something Disney EVERY day to school!) Now she is texting them that she is smoking weed, getting drunk, and may be "going too far" with her boyfriend. She also apparently sent a text threatening to kill herself a few weeks ago.

The girls are worried sick. They want to help and came to me for advice. Of course there isn't anything I can do. I don't know the parents -- and it sounds like they aren't very involved in her goings on anyway. I have advised them to talk to their counselor at school on Thursday, show her the texts and let her deal with it. I assume if they think there is a legit concern maybe the counselor can contact the counselors at her new school to check on things.

Any other suggestions? The girls feel so helpless and are so upset by these choices she is making.

I second some PP's. Get the parents' phone number if you can. CALL them. The guidance counselor. . .I'm not knocking them, but a second hand report on a kid across the country from your school? Uhm, yeah.

 

[clutter]

Can you find out the name of her school and call the counselor there? If she's in a large county school system, you can find the school on the website by putting in the mailing address. Or search on Realtor.com by zip code, then comparing maps. It might be best if you call, ask them to try their best to not break the girl's trust, but the school definately needs to check it out if you think you can't call the parents (or worse, they won't care). Whether it's true or not, it's a call for help. Suppose none of it is true, and she made it up. Well, that's still a major call for "I'm not fitting it, I don't know what to do" help.

p.s. If you call the school or parent, you can always say that you found this when you were checking your dd's texts, not that your dd brought it to you!!!

 

[lovetoscrap]

Do any of the girls have her new address and home phone? If so, I think you need to call her parents with your concerns. The girls aren't going to want to do this--it would feel like they were betraying their friend. But if she is doing drugs(or at least, saying she is) and expressing thoughts of self-harm, she needs adults to step in to help.

I wouldn't just leave it in the hands of the girls on the possibility that they'll tell their guidance counselor and then SHE will contact...who? I got lost. Do it yourself and you'll have the satisfaction that you did all YOU could to deter this girl from going off the deep end.

They don't have address or home phone number. Only the sisters cell numbers. And they seem to think that the parents are fighting and not paying much attention to the girls, which could also explain the acting out.

I was thinking that if they talk to the local counselor, then the counselor here can call the counselor at the girl's school and let them know of the concerns so they can check on her.

Can you find out the name of her school and call the counselor there?
p.s. If you call the school or parent, you can always say that you found this when you were checking your dd's texts, not that your dd brought it to you!!!

That is a GREAT idea! That would take it all off of the girls and everyone knows my reputation as a nosey mom!! They do know where she goes to school.

 

[MiniGirl]

Can you find out the name of her school and call the counselor there? If she's in a large county school system, you can find the school on the website by putting in the mailing address. Or search on Realtor.com by zip code, then comparing maps. It might be best if you call, ask them to try their best to not break the girl's trust, but the school definately needs to check it out if you think you can't call the parents (or worse, they won't care). Whether it's true or not, it's a call for help. Suppose none of it is true, and she made it up. Well, that's still a major call for "I'm not fitting it, I don't know what to do" help.

p.s. If you call the school or parent, you can always say that you found this when you were checking your dd's texts, not that your dd brought it to you!!!

This is exactly what I was going to suggest.

I'm sure your dd and her friend are terribly worried, and are concerned for their friend. However, there is another issue here as well. Your dd came to you for help. Don't we all tell our kids that they can always come to us? That we will always be there for them, and that they can tell us anything? If my dds ever came to me with a difficult situation, I wouldn't want all of my "I'll always be there" to translate to "I understand. Maybe you should go talk to the counselor at school." KWIM? Tell your dd what you are thinking of doing and let her voice any objections or concerns, and even after you've done all you feel you can do, keep asking about their friend. It will show her that you do care about the things she cares about.

Sorry.... I know all this doesn't really answer your question. I just think it is great that your dd came to you with this in the first place and showing her that she come to you in the future is important as well.