Need Advice: Am I Too Harsh?

[jeepgirl30]

My mom used to introduce my sister as her pretty daughter and me as her smart daughter. She honestly thought she was doing a good thing, highlighting our strengths. However, I grew up always thinking I was the ugly daughter and my sister took it as she was the dumb one. To make it worse, my sister had a slight learning disability and really did struggle through school.

My mom was always "just being honest" and giving me "constructive criticism" but I was a sensitive child and not very confident. I would have liked to hear more positive thoughts on my looks. Instead of that dress isn't right for your body type how about, i don't care for THAT dress, this dress may look a lot better and bring out your eyes or whatever. Focus on positive.

I actually spent a year in HS trying to be dumb. Serious. I didn't want to be a nerd and the smart girl. My sister and I tease each other a lot now with it, she introduces me as her pretty sister and i always say how smart she is! Mom still doesn't get it and still says she is the pretty one and doesn't understand why my sister doesn't try her best with her makeup anymore. We just roll our eyes.

 

[Ceila]

I think your intent is right on the mark, but personally I would use different language. Not sure if it's better, worse, or just different, but if you're looking to change how you tell them things, all I can offer is what I would do.

As for the clothing, I would say something like, "That dress isn't a good cut on you. Let's try something else." That way it's the dress hat takes the blame, not the child.

As for the actions, I would maybe say, "That's wasn't a good choice. I know you're smart enough to make the right decison - what made you do that route?" I tend to avoid using the words stupid, idiotic, dumb, even when referring to their actions.

Am I an expert? No way!! Is my way the right way? Who knows - I guess we'll find out in 10 or 15 years and see if they end up in therapy! I'm just trying to give you some alternate ideas.

 

[design_mom]

My mom used to make comments to me like that. She's been dead for 15 years and I'm over 50. I still can still recall those comments verbatim. That's not a good way to be remembered.

My mother is in her own words "brutally honest." I love her to death, but I can still remember some of the hurtful things she said to me in high school, too. They hurt. There's a difference between "I think there are better looks for you. Let's look for something _______." and "You're too short/heavy/short-waisted to wear that." (aka. "you don't have the right body shape for that.)

Praise shouldn't be given lightly or else it takes all the specialness and pride out of it when it is truly deserved.

This is also true. Although I truly hate some of the criticisms my mom has made, if she compliments, you can bet it's true. My husband will tell me that anything looks good on me. So if I *really* want to know, I still ask my mom.

Somehow, I bet there's a middle ground though.