Need Advice: Am I Too Harsh?

[wenmc]

Deleted

 

[Christine]

IIs this just teenage girls trying to make me feel guilty or do I just need to sugar-coat things/not say anything at all?

In a word, YES they are trying to make you feel guilty. And just going by what you posted. I am the same way with my kids (19 y/o girl and almost-16 y/o boy). If something looks dreadful on them, even if they think it's fabulous, they will get my opinion in the same manner that you express.

Everyone has their own manner and I'm not a sunshine-and-puppies person so I will never come off as overly sweet. As long as you are not being cruel about it or snide, I think honesty can be the way to go.

Edited to add: No you're not too harsh. The 'yes' was that "yes, teenage girls are trying to blame you."

 

[aaarcher86]

I have two teenage daughters. I have always been honest with them when it comes to their attitudes and appearance but never to humilate them in public. The whole point in being honest with them was so they wouldn't be humilated. Most husband is also a very honest person about these things but feels I should just let them humilate themselves and then they will learn. I think most people would probably agree they are both spoiled (even if they don't say it to our faces). Both my girls (who don't even associate with each other-they are almost 5 yrs apart) as of late have accused me of making them feel bad about themselves. In other words, I have low self esteem because of you, Mom! Just so you know, I have never been a "you are fat" or "you're stupid" but more along the lines of "you don't have the right body shape for that dress" of "quit acting stupid, I know you're smarter than that".
Is this just teenage girls trying to make me feel guilty or do I just need to sugar-coat things/not say anything at all?

Honestly, I wouldn't doubt it if you've made them feel bad about themselves at some point or another. There is a way to be honest without making them feel bad. Teens are so sensitive about their bodies as teens anyway. I wouldn't let them go out and embarrass themselves, but maybe be a bit softer with them.

I was a 00/0 in high school. My mom was like you in being honest and all that. I've had 2 kids and I'm a size 4 and my mom still makes me feel self conscious. It definitely sticks with you.

 

[happygirl]

I have two teenage daughters. I have always been honest with them when it comes to their attitudes and appearance but never to humilate them in public. The whole point in being honest with them was so they wouldn't be humilated. Most husband is also a very honest person about these things but feels I should just let them humilate themselves and then they will learn. I think most people would probably agree they are both spoiled (even if they don't say it to our faces). Both my girls (who don't even associate with each other-they are almost 5 yrs apart) as of late have accused me of making them feel bad about themselves. In other words, I have low self esteem because of you, Mom! Just so you know, I have never been a "you are fat" or "you're stupid" but more along the lines of "you don't have the right body shape for that dress" of "quit acting stupid, I know you're smarter than that".
Is this just teenage girls trying to make me feel guilty or do I just need to sugar-coat things/not say anything at all?

Yes, I think that harsh for kids. I know when I was a teen If my parents had said that to me I would have been crushed. I don;'t think you need to bring up there body shape, I would say act right or maybe behave yourself.

 

[brockash]

Without more specific examples of what comments you make, I don't know how helpful anyone can be. As far as the 2 comments you said you made...the one about you don't have the right body type for that dress...ummm yes I think that's not the correct thing to say to your daughter. Did you daughter ask your opinion? If they didn't ask your opinion, and it's not that it looks to revealing, then no I don't think you should have said anything. If they did ask your opinion...I'd go more the way of no I don't really like that dress, not talk about her body type. The part about the quit acting stupid...well I don't think it's nice, but I don't think it's as bad the comment about her "body type," but either way as a mother I would definitely try to stay away from any of those types of comments. You're supposed to be the person that supports her and gives her confidence the most, not the one that makes her feel like crap...so even if you don't think it's mean; listen to your daughter. You should be happy that she even tells you how she feels about it. Everyone's entitled to ask ppl. to treat them with respect, and they obviously don't feel respected by you; so why would you even question it? Is it really that hard for you to not make those types of comments? As far as the it's better for you to humiliate them, so you can somehow possibly keep from stranger's humiliating them...well I personally think that's not a good mind-set at all. If you had to be "humiliated," wouldn't you rather it be from a stranger, then from someone that cares about you, loves you and is supposed to support you?

 

[NMAmy]

I think you can be honest without being hurtful. Really, I wish more moms would tell their daughters that not every trend looks good on every body type. Some will work for you but some just won't.

Because dd and I are very similar in body type and appearance, I KNOW what will work and what won't. Luckily, I've always been able to say, "Hey, I've had this body for over 40 years--I have a lot of experience with it and I wouldn't lead you wrong." She's got a great body (I wish I still had it!) but some stuff just isn't flattering.

She went through a phase when she was about 13/14 when she didn't want my opinion on clothes. When she hit about 16, she started asking me to go shopping with her again. She told me, "My friends will tell me everything looks good. I know you'll help me find something that REALLY looks good and you won't let me wear something that looks bad."

But, please, don't every tell your dd's that they're stupid. You may know that you're saying, "You're acting stupid" but I guarantee they're hearing you say, "You're stupid."

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

I have two teenage daughters. I have always been honest with them when it comes to their attitudes and appearance but never to humilate them in public. The whole point in being honest with them was so they wouldn't be humilated. Most husband is also a very honest person about these things but feels I should just let them humilate themselves and then they will learn. I think most people would probably agree they are both spoiled (even if they don't say it to our faces). Both my girls (who don't even associate with each other-they are almost 5 yrs apart) as of late have accused me of making them feel bad about themselves. In other words, I have low self esteem because of you, Mom! Just so you know, I have never been a "you are fat" or "you're stupid" but more along the lines of "you don't have the right body shape for that dress" of "quit acting stupid, I know you're smarter than that".Is this just teenage girls trying to make me feel guilty or do I just need to sugar-coat things/not say anything at all?

I can see why they'd think that for the bolded... subtext, and I know you don't mean it, is that they look like crap. It's hard for an adult to convey to their child that mermaid dresses do not fit a pear-shaped people - they haven't had enough time in their bodies to see that. They like the dress, they think they look good, even if we do not. I grew up with that mom. She made her own clothes, and made a ton of things for me. When it was my turn to learn how to sew, you can only imagine the fights we got into over patterns: what I liked vs. what would look good on my body. It's a fine line to manage, but you've got to find a way to SHOW them where it doesn't fit right (cutting off the torso, making them look shorter) and possible ways to correct/improve it vs. just saying it doesn't look right. (Excellent time for a marathon of What Not to Wear...)

As for the underlined, that's a tough call - for an adult to tell a kid to quit acting stupid, they take that to heart. I read not too long ago, to not ask a teenager what they were thinking, as most likely they weren't thinking. My mom was a teacher, and she was told to never tell the kids that they should know better, etc. It does more harm than good.

Sit them down and try to talk to them about their concerns and try not to get emotional if they go on the defensive (even if it hurts a bit). Lay it out, then try to reach a plan/agreement to work together a little better. It sounds like you are talking to them as adults, when they are not even close.

 

[golfgal]

Why not just say "I don't like that dress" why bring in "body shape". If DD is trying on clothing and I don't like it or it doesn't look right on her I just say "let's keep looking" or "I don't like the dress". I don't bring in body type-which is often the reason for not liking the fit of the dress-which has nothing to do with DD and everything to do with the cut of the dress.

She picked out a dress for homecoming that I wasn't thrilled about-way too short but otherwise was ok. I told her that we could put it on hold and keep looking. We found an amazing dress at another store and it worked out fine in the end.

 

[Christine]

Yes, I think that harsh for kids. I know when I was a teen If my parents had said that to me I would have been crushed. I don;'t think you need to bring up there body shape, I would say act right or maybe behave yourself.

Bringing up body shape doesn't have to be always negative.

I think young girls do need guidance on how to dress and look appropriate for their build. I also don't think they should be trying to wear things that make them look horrible and a trusted family member or good friend is there for those reasons.

I've been lucky enough that my daughter is rather small and looks good in most things, so I don't have to say much to her in the negative realm; however, she doesn't look good in a few things and I do tell her. Overall she knows it anyway. I think she might get bummed out in general that she can't pull off something but I don't think my telling her ruins her self-esteem. In fact, now that she's older she always runs an outfit by me.

Some of the things that I might point out to her would be in the area of swimsuit tops. She very small busted and when she tries to go buy a Victoria Secret top that looks fabulous on the DD model and sags on her, well, I have to say something. She also knows that she didn't look good in all the maxi dresses that were the rage over the summer. She brought up to me that she felt she was "too short" for them. I would have never mentioned it to her because I think she could have worn it anyway, but in the end it wasn't the best look for her and I did agree with her.

I think it's better to bring up stuff like that so they become more self aware of what looks are more flattering for them.

 

[MushyMushy]

I think the way you phrased it is harsh, even though your heart is in the right place. I have a 15 year old and she's got a heavier build. You would by no means call her obese, but what is flattering on her skinny friends isn't great on her. What I usually say is, "that style isn't flattering to you, how about this one instead" and then I'll help her find something else.

Kids just seem so much more sensitive about their body image these days. It's a really delicate balance we have to take.

 

[diznygirl]

They want to make their own decisions and be told they are doing a good job and are beautiful. Try to temper your honesty and go with some positive reinforcement.

 

[Allison]

I think if both daughters who you said don't even associate with each other are telling you this, you might need to think about how you are saying things to them.

 

[minkydog]

Frankly, yes, the things you are saying sound harsh to me. Telling *any* woman that she "doesn't have the right body shape" is painful to hear. What's the right body shape? I know you are not criticizing her shape, but telling her that the outfit she's chosen isn't flattering. However, all she's hearing is "There's something wrong with your shape..." and "You're fat." Same thing with telling her "Quit acting stupid, you're smarter than that." What she hears is "You're so stupid..."

How do I know this? Because my mother did the same thing. It didn't feel helpful then, and it's not helpful now. All I felt was humiliated. I could never measure up to what I felt were impossible standards. I know that's not what you want or intend, but that's how it will come across. Rather than saying, "You're not the right shape for that" perhaps you can suggest a more flattering outfit. Rather than saying "Quit being stupid" you could say "Is that reallly a good idea?" "Let's talk about this".

There's honesty and there's cruelty. Unintended cruelty is still cruel. I'm not sure so much honesty is a good thing, especially with young ladies who may already be struggling with some body image stuff.

 

[curious3069]

I think your heart is in the right place, you might just need to tweak the delivery method a little. Maybe offer an alternative dress/shirt/skirt rather than "you are not the right shape for that dress" and offer lots of praise when you find one that looks fantastic. Bring TONS of things to try on rather than just a few so she can see herself in all kinds of things and doesn't get her hopes pinned on something specific. Do you compliment them when something looks great??

Keep in mind too that sometimes, even with your help, they are going to wear something that looks horrible...unless it's too short or tight or shows way too much cleavage, just let it go. Sometimes they need to learn that lesson on their own!

 

[wenmc]

Deleted

 

[VickiVM]

OP: I know exactly what you're talking about. I have a 7th and 9th grader (girls) and 11th grade boy. When I'm not crazy about the outfit they are contemplating, I will tell them "I don't think that's the best look for you." Usually there are several other outfits they are trying on and I will probably also say, "I prefer this other one and think it's more flattering".

We do try to avoid using the word 'stupid' in our house (house rule since they were very small). So for me to say that to them now would be especially hurtful. But we know several other families that use that word all the time and it doesn't have the same impact. What we will say instead might be "Now that's not a wise choice (or decision) - you know better than that". Or something like "I expected you to make better choices".

 

[Hannathy]

I don't think you are being too harsh. What is wrong with telling someone their body type is wrong for a particular style? I'm very short I don't have a problem with someone saying you are too short for that style or you need to be tall to have that look good on you.

I have a DD 18 and I have always been honest with her. If an outfit makes her look heavy or short or chopped up etc I tell her. Who else is going to tell her the truth? and I would rather she hear it from me than go out not looking good.

I also never told them their art work was fabulous if it wasn't. I'll say good effort or you tried but I don't praise it if it doesn't deserve it.

Now my DD IS a very skilled photographer and those I will praise but we still laugh over her still life fruit from 6th grade. And she has very good self esteem and is a very strong individual.

Praise shouldn't be given lightly or else it takes all the specialness and pride out of it when it is truly deserved.

 

[Pigeon]

I'd drop the body shape comments. So your girls go out in outfits that you think aren't terribly flattering, so what? Have you been to a high school or a shopping mall lately? Plenty of people wear things that don't look great on them.

I'd let them develop their own fashion sense. It may take some time, but let them be. I'm assuming here that you aren't talking about clothing that's indecent, because that's a different issue.

My mom used to make comments to me like that. She's been dead for 15 years and I'm over 50. I still can still recall those comments verbatim. That's not a good way to be remembered.

 

[minkydog]

My mom used to make comments to me like that. She's been dead for 15 years and I'm over 50. I still can still recall those comments verbatim. That's not a good way to be remembered.

Exactly.

 

[DisneyKT]

I don't think you are being too harsh. What is wrong with telling someone their body type is wrong for a particular style? I'm very short I don't have a problem with someone saying you are too short for that style or you need to be tall to have that look good on you.

I have a DD 18 and I have always been honest with her. If an outfit makes her look heavy or short or chopped up etc I tell her. Who else is going to tell her the truth? and I would rather she hear it from me than go out not looking good.

I also never told them their art work was fabulous if it wasn't. I'll say good effort or you tried but I don't praise it if it doesn't deserve it.

Now my DD IS a very skilled photographer and those I will praise but we still laugh over her still life fruit from 6th grade. And she has very good self esteem and is a very strong individual.

Praise shouldn't be given lightly or else it takes all the specialness and pride out of it when it is truly deserved.

ITA ,with you.

OP you are not being to hard. Are you calling her fat or that she looks ugly no. I tell my kid when she looks foolish. She isn't all broken up about it. Oh and she can be lazy too. That is a issue also.

My Mom would tell me when stuff didn't look right. I am ok no hard feelings. I would think it would be worse if her peers made fun of her. Good Luck.