Need advice about teenagers visitation with Dad

[kerry34]

After searching high and low on the web for some good advice on this issue, i figured maybe this was the place to come. I have been divorced from my first husband since my oldest daughters were 2yrs and 6 mos old. They are now 14 and 12. Ex husband has had one overnight visit every other weekend since my oldest was in first grade. He was absent for a period of three years before that in which time he had no contact whatsoever with my girls. Visitation with my youngest daughter has always been a struggle. He never really bonded well with her and despite the overnight visits she is not close with him. She has not been sleeping over his house for almost a year now. The last few visit she had ended up with her crying and him calling me and letting me know she wants to come home. He has had virtually no contact with her at all. I have told him that he should take her for the day that this cannot continue. Despite my many requests to talk about this and come up with something so she can see him nothing has happened. During this whole time my oldest daughter has gone quietly to the visits. Last week same oldest daughter came unglued and starting bawling about how she can't stand being there overnight anymore. She said that when she is there her Dad pays no attention to her. Basically spends the day playing some online game he is addicted to, reading, doing yardwork etc. She basically sits alone to watch tv or read. Once and a while they visit his mom or friend, but that is the extent of the activities. Also she was very upset because she says her dad keeps making comments that she shouldnt go to college right away because he deserves a break in paying child support Also other than the visits he is not involved with their lives at all. Has only attended one school concert for oldest daughter when she was in fifth grade, other than that nothing, despite the constant invites. Anyway, I emailed ex and told him of this problem. Now since it is my oldest daughter he wants to talk immediately about this and is very concerned. He said that she could stay home this weekend but he wants to talk. I emailed back and said that maybe he should take them BOTH for the day on sunday and there was no need to cancel the whole weekend. He lives about 45 minutes away and i know the whole issue is he does not want to do day visits because he complains about having to drive both ways in one day. I am sure that is why he hasnt seen my other daughter all this time. My question here is do I have any standing in getting my kids day visits in court? Has anyone else had this issue? I am so mad because he is sending the message that it has been okay for youngest daughter not to go. His last comment to me about that was he doesnt want to push her. Now its my oldest daughter and he is upset. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks everyone.

 

[*KeepMovingForward*]

After searching high and low on the web for some good advice on this issue, i figured maybe this was the place to come. I have been divorced from my first husband since my oldest daughters were 2yrs and 6 mos old. They are now 14 and 12. Ex husband has had one overnight visit every other weekend since my oldest was in first grade. He was absent for a period of three years before that in which time he had no contact whatsoever with my girls. Visitation with my youngest daughter has always been a struggle. He never really bonded well with her and despite the overnight visits she is not close with him. She has not been sleeping over his house for almost a year now. The last few visit she had ended up with her crying and him calling me and letting me know she wants to come home. He has had virtually no contact with her at all. I have told him that he should take her for the day that this cannot continue. Despite my many requests to talk about this and come up with something so she can see him nothing has happened. During this whole time my oldest daughter has gone quietly to the visits. Last week same oldest daughter came unglued and starting bawling about how she can't stand being there overnight anymore. She said that when she is there her Dad pays no attention to her. Basically spends the day playing some online game he is addicted to, reading, doing yardwork etc. She basically sits alone to watch tv or read. Once and a while they visit his mom or friend, but that is the extent of the activities. Also she was very upset because she says her dad keeps making comments that she shouldnt go to college right away because he deserves a break in paying child support Also other than the visits he is not involved with their lives at all. Has only attended one school concert for oldest daughter when she was in fifth grade, other than that nothing, despite the constant invites. Anyway, I emailed ex and told him of this problem. Now since it is my oldest daughter he wants to talk immediately about this and is very concerned. He said that she could stay home this weekend but he wants to talk. I emailed back and said that maybe he should take them BOTH for the day on sunday and there was no need to cancel the whole weekend. He lives about 45 minutes away and i know the whole issue is he does not want to do day visits because he complains about having to drive both ways in one day. I am sure that is why he hasnt seen my other daughter all this time. My question here is do I have any standing in getting my kids day visits in court? Has anyone else had this issue? I am so mad because he is sending the message that it has been okay for youngest daughter not to go. His last comment to me about that was he doesnt want to push her. Now its my oldest daughter and he is upset. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks everyone.

Wow...mine were the same ages when I divorced and they are teens now also. I think the court enforcing a day visit would depend on where you live. By me, considering the distance that the father would have to travel to and from, I don't think that would fly-unless you were willing to meet him halfway, literally. If your willing to do this, that could be an option and solve both issues of travel time and spending time with both children.

My situation is a little different. We are closer (about 1/2 hour). DD does not want to go with her father. They are not close and he pays her no attention. Same scenario...her father ignores her, pawns her on relatives or plays the computer/video games while she is there. She is bored to death...they do not do anything together really-not even free stuff like go to the park or beach. DS is 2 years older than DD. He does have a little bit of a relationship with his father, but still, he is getting bored with weekends with his father and says he tires of his fathers childish outbursts (part of the reason I divorced him). I think they have gotten along so far because DS is a video game junkie (or just about). There are many times DS tells me he does not want to go with his dad for the bi-weekly visits though. I think as the kids get older, especially when they are in their teens, they need to be allowed to make their own decisions. I believe in trying to foster a good relationship with the children and their father, but I am not going to force it. There have been many times in the past year that one child goes and one child stays home. I've tried approaching my ex-husband about trying to be more involved with the kids (or rather having a closer relationship with them), but the plea falls on deaf ears. He's a grown man, so I will let him live with the consequences. As it is, when anyone asks my kids about their dad, they always tell them about their step-dad. DS tells me they don't like their real father and are embarrassed by him-that he is not a dad. I'm not sure what your exact situation is, but sometimes kids are pretty swift and they pick up on or sense things. They may be feeling like they are the 3rd wheel or an unwanted burden and that is why they want to stay home. Feel blessed...either way, they want to be with YOU.

 

[Darcy03231]

You need to see an attorney that specializes in family law in the state you live in. Only he or she can really answer these questions for you. Laws can vary greatly from state to state. A really good example of this is in NH child support ends at age 18 or high school graduation, whichever comes first and the Court can't make a parent pay for college. In MA, one state over, child support continues through college if the children are attending full time and the Court can make a parent pay for college.

 

[firsttimer2007]

After searching high and low on the web for some good advice on this issue, i figured maybe this was the place to come. I have been divorced from my first husband since my oldest daughters were 2yrs and 6 mos old. They are now 14 and 12. Ex husband has had one overnight visit every other weekend since my oldest was in first grade. He was absent for a period of three years before that in which time he had no contact whatsoever with my girls. Visitation with my youngest daughter has always been a struggle. He never really bonded well with her and despite the overnight visits she is not close with him. She has not been sleeping over his house for almost a year now. The last few visit she had ended up with her crying and him calling me and letting me know she wants to come home. He has had virtually no contact with her at all. I have told him that he should take her for the day that this cannot continue. Despite my many requests to talk about this and come up with something so she can see him nothing has happened. During this whole time my oldest daughter has gone quietly to the visits. Last week same oldest daughter came unglued and starting bawling about how she can't stand being there overnight anymore. She said that when she is there her Dad pays no attention to her. Basically spends the day playing some online game he is addicted to, reading, doing yardwork etc. She basically sits alone to watch tv or read. Once and a while they visit his mom or friend, but that is the extent of the activities. Also she was very upset because she says her dad keeps making comments that she shouldnt go to college right away because he deserves a break in paying child support Also other than the visits he is not involved with their lives at all. Has only attended one school concert for oldest daughter when she was in fifth grade, other than that nothing, despite the constant invites. Anyway, I emailed ex and told him of this problem. Now since it is my oldest daughter he wants to talk immediately about this and is very concerned. He said that she could stay home this weekend but he wants to talk. I emailed back and said that maybe he should take them BOTH for the day on sunday and there was no need to cancel the whole weekend. He lives about 45 minutes away and i know the whole issue is he does not want to do day visits because he complains about having to drive both ways in one day. I am sure that is why he hasnt seen my other daughter all this time. My question here is do I have any standing in getting my kids day visits in court? Has anyone else had this issue? I am so mad because he is sending the message that it has been okay for youngest daughter not to go. His last comment to me about that was he doesnt want to push her. Now its my oldest daughter and he is upset. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks everyone.

Sounds to me like you need to be an advocate for a relationship with their dad. Girls pick a mate based on their relationship with their dad. If you let this go on the road it is on...they will pick a man that is neglectful. Your ex probably feels like he has nothing in common with them. help him find things to do with them and nurture the relationship. It is in your daughters BEST interest. Also in yours. It gives you a break.
from a mother of 4

 

[fairymommy]

Sounds to me like you need to be an advocate for a relationship with their dad. Girls pick a mate based on their relationship with their dad. If you let this go on the road it is on...they will pick a man that is neglectful. Your ex probably feels like he has nothing in common with them. help him find things to do with them and nurture the relationship. It is in your daughters BEST interest. Also in yours. It gives you a break.
from a mother of 4

I don't agree totally with this. In my experience having a jerk of a father myself who never really wanted visitation. Some men are NOT good fathers. You can't force them to be. It is better to stay away from them than to keep letting them hurt you. Also just because you pick a mate based on the relationship with your dad isn't necessarily a bad thing. I chose a wonderful and caring man for my husband and he is also a great dad. I wanted someone who would be good to me and love me and I wouldn't settle for less. On the other hand my sister went in the other direction, settling for someone who is abusive and cheats on her.

 

[dizfan899]

I don't agree totally with this. In my experience having a jerk of a father myself who never really wanted visitation. Some men are NOT good fathers. You can't force them to be. It is better to stay away from them than to keep letting them hurt you. Also just because you pick a mate based on the relationship with your dad isn't necessarily a bad thing. I chose a wonderful and caring man for my husband and he is also a great dad. I wanted someone who would be good to me and love me and I wouldn't settle for less. On the other hand my sister went in the other direction, settling for someone who is abusive and cheats on her.

I agree. My ex is a very self centered guy. He will go the extra mile if it is something he wants....let me tell ya. He takes very good care of himself and that is something my girls have picked up on as they have gotten older. He is not a parent first, never has been. I have given him every idea I can think of as to how to spend time with the girls, he just doesnt want to put forth the effort. Otherwise during his visits, instead of leaving them sitting on the couch playing video games while he spends hours in his room playing video games he would be spending time with them. On another note, ex agreed to do a day visit today and we are planning on discussing things next week. DD12 also went for the visit today as well. She hasnt seen her dad in a while so i hope it goes well. I am hoping we can work something out that will make everyone happy here. Thanks to everyone who posted your opinions, it is always helpful to get others points of view.

 

[kerry34]

Sorry, dizfans post is mine...I didnt know DD12 logged in after me and didnt log out.

 

[Ellester]

I remember being thrilled when I could drive and could finally do "day visits" with my dad instead of overnights. My dad was not neglectful per se, but I never saw my dad's house as "my" house. I missed my bed, my room, my dog, my routine etc. when I was at my dad's. I was often bored and missed out on activities with my friends because it was "dad's weekend". I always wanted to know when I was going to have a weekend! I know I'm not offering any advice, but I really felt for your daughters when I read your post. Being a teen is never easy, trying to shuffle between homes just makes it tougher in my opinion.

 

[kerry34]

I remember being thrilled when I could drive and could finally do "day visits" with my dad instead of overnights. My dad was not neglectful per se, but I never saw my dad's house as "my" house. I missed my bed, my room, my dog, my routine etc. when I was at my dad's. I was often bored and missed out on activities with my friends because it was "dad's weekend". I always wanted to know when I was going to have a weekend! I know I'm not offering any advice, but I really felt for your daughters when I read your post. Being a teen is never easy, trying to shuffle between homes just makes it tougher in my opinion.

Much of what you said here is what my oldest described. She said it just isnt her "home". She told me that between one of her visits dad moved her and her sister into a smaller room and never told them first. The next time they showed up there stuff was crammed into the smallest room in the house. When she asked why he said it was because their step mom needed the bigger room to put her computer in and they are only there every other weekend so they dont need it. She was very hurt. Thank you for telling me your story, I know what you went through is exactly how they are feeling. I'm sorry that you had to go through that as a teen. It's not easy.