Need advice about college and dd(LONG)

[mrsmom]

My dd who is 17 won't be 18 until next August. graduates next june, she never has had a job and is shy. we moved from indiana last year where she went to school from 4- half of 10th grade.
She want to go to college in Indiana because one of her friends is telling her that her parents said she can live with them.
Now here is my problem.
1# she would have to pay out of state rates which is more than double the instate rate
2# We want her to stay close to home because she inmature never does anything on her own, very shy
3#she has 13,000 in the bank for college but she will use it for other stuff besides college with this girl.
4#I don't want to co-sign a loan for which she can get the same education here for alot less.she want to go into journalism and is very good at it,
5# I have three other kids and one who requires alot of medical stuff which cost alot too.
She is mad at me and her father which has upset the whole family and her friend and parents are sticking their nose in this which is not helping.
What would you do? I'am i wrong?
Thanks Sorry so long.
Kim

 

[minniecarousel]

How about a compromise: is there a community college near your home where she can do her first 2 years? Then she can go to live with her friend in Indiana to complete her degree. Just an idea.

 

[smiley]

Explain to your daughter the total amount of money you will be able to afford for her college education. If she hasn't set up an appointment with a school counselor, urge her to make one soon so she can discuss her college options. Talk to her about the financial, as well as emotional support aspects of going to college in-state vs out of state. If she is still determined to go to an out of state college (GULP) let her. I know it is difficult to watch your child do something which you believe they will fail, but she may surprise you. This may just be the thing to help her become more assertive and gain independence.

Good luck, this is sure to be an interesting school year...

 

[dennis99ss]

You learn a lot more about being mature, responsible, etc. when you are away from home, than you do when living at home. i think everybody should go away to school, or at least live in the dorms, etc. if at all possible. Where else can one learn what it really costs to do laundry, what it costs for that pizza, and what doing without one thing to get another really means. I would think living in a friends house, with her parents, would shield her from these lessons. Just because she is shy now does not mean that, when thrown into a new environment (outside of her circle of friends) she will act the same. She may just surprise you.

What's wrong with the student loans. Everybody should feel the pain

 

[Minnie824]

I agree with the previous poster. Tell her she can go to the school in Indiana if she wants to, but that she has to stay in the dorms there. That may make her change her mind. Going away just to stay at a friends house doesn't seem like a good idea. I do not think you should choose her college or its location however. That will just cause more issues.

 

[mamajoan]

Hi..... we are considering going thru the same thing.. moving to a different state with a junior in H.S.. scary proposition

I agree with MinnieCarousel! I believe it will work out well for all those involved. Thank the family who is offering assistance but gently tell them that you will not be needing their help.

Teens are very dramatic aren't they? Altho I understand that it is difficult to leave friends and family.

Maybe after a year at a CC while she also has a job... she will be able to help with out of state college tuition.

Good Luck

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Originally posted by Minnie824
I agree with the previous poster. Tell her she can go to the school in Indiana if she wants to, but that she has to stay in the dorms there. That may make her change her mind. Going away just to stay at a friends house doesn't seem like a good idea. I do not think you should choose her college or its location however. That will just cause more issues.

I agree 100% with this. I would not allow my daughter to live in someone elses home for college. She will be required to live in the dorm the first year.

 

[izzy]

My dad made an interesting deal with me back when I wanted to an out-of-state college. (I went to college in the "dark ages" of the early 80's - LOL!!) He said that he would pay the equivalent of what it would cost for me to go to an in-state college, but that I would would have to come up with the difference. After I thought about it and reason prevailed, I went with the in-state option, and I can't tell you how happy I am that I did. I came out of college with no debts and was immediately able to start saving a portion of my salary with my first job.

There is a great article in a recent Reader's Digest regarding financing college and how these kids are getting themselves into HUGE amounts of debt.

Overall, I would say that it's your child, you know her the best, and if you're footing the bill, then you ought to have the biggest say. (And I'm sure this opinion won't be popular with some people!)

 

[my3kids]

Often in college education, small private schools are, surprisingly, the best value. Graduates are very loyal to colleges they have loved and give accordingly. Thus endowments can provide for necessary financial aid. Many private colleges will meet 100% of a student's need. Parents fill out out the necessary forms which determines what the family should be able to pay. Financial aid provided by the college can make up the rest. That isn't to say that public universities don't offer aid...they do. But in terms of meeting 100% of the need of 100% of those that need it, private colleges are a much better bet.

For a shy child, a small school can offer enormous benefits. They are much less likely to get lost in the crowd. The professors will know their name since they are likely one of 10 in a class instead of one of 300 in a freshman survey course.

 

[bsnyder]

you said she's immature, never does anything on her own, and is shy. You didn't say she's irresponsible or lazy.

I'd be doing backflips if I had an immature, shy child who wanted to do something on her own, like go to college in another state.

Why aren't you supporting your daughter in this? I agree that money IS a factor in the decision, but it sounds like you don't even want to consider the option, or how to find ways to pay for it.

Shy children usually need encouragement, to spread their wings. It's our job, as parents, to provide that encouragement.

I've been in your shoes...one of mine is shy, but he has gained so much self-confidence, as a result of going away to college. It's really amazing, when he comes home now, to see how he's grown in this area.

Also, I think the other parents should butt out of it....it's none of their business.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

She want to go to college in Indiana because one of her friends is telling her that her parents said she can live with them.

Well first of all, have you actually talked to the parents? You know how kids are .... "my parents said you can live with us" doesn't always mean the parents have agreed that she can live with them. I'd check that out first, as well as what kind of a financial contribution they'd want to their household. You may find your problem solved by the answer.

I agree about allowing her to choose her own college. If she is immature now, then she probably does need to be pushed a bit into becoming more mature. In order to do that, she needs to be making some of her own decisions. That includes showing her the money that is available for her education, and pointing out how crippling a heavy student loan debt can be.

I also agree about small private colleges. My DH got his first degree from one here in Illinois -- Illinois College in Jacksonville. It is a great school, typically makes all the lists of Best College Values. I really hope one of my son's will consider going their one day.

 

[believe]

What are the rules for out of state? How long do you have to live instate to be considered a resident? Just wondering if she would have to pay out of state 4yrs if she actually lived in state with the friend's parents.

If she is willing to work and pay for her education, then let her. I wouldn't co-sign for the loan, I would let that be her first understanding of responsibility. Sit down and show her the budget she would need for food, travel, clothing, etc.

 

[mrsmom]

The reason i don't want her going out of state is she going for the wrong reasons.
She is going because her friend is going . This friend she hung around in 9-most of 10th grade she was getting C and D's and failed one class. When we moved and she was away from her she started getting straight A's and is in honors this year she told me after her first semester here she was having fun with her friends and didn't do her school work there.
She has a chance to intern for the cincinnati enquire here but she is not even excepting what a once in a lifetime offer this is..
Iam not against her leaving home, because she will be staying at the dorms at any college she goes to just for the experience. I just can't support her because she is not making the decision for the right reason. .I think if i pay i have some say in it.
She has to live in Indiana 12 months before she can apply to college
Kim

 

[bsnyder]

Sounds like you're worried that DD will fall back into old habits, when she was irresponsible, is that right? A legimate concern, but if she's doing well in school now, you have to give her some credit for having matured, in that area.

What were her college plans, before she came up with this one?

Of course if you're paying for it, you have every right to have a say in it. But I'd be real careful that you're not saying no, for all the wrong reasons, just like you think she's wanting this for all the wrong reasons.

 

[my3kids]

Here is a link about finding a good journalism school.

http://www.virtuallyadvising.com/qa/uchoice20011002mh.html

Let her go visit all the schools she is interested in, stay in the dorms with a student, attend some classes she is interested in. Have her do it alone, not with the friend she wants to live with. Support her as she makes decisions based on what she wants and needs in an education. If you are insisting she live on campus, then the attraction of the other college might fade. Sounds like the attraction was living with the friend. If you take that out of the equation, she might make very different choices.

You mentioned she had $13,000 of her own saved for college. Once you fill out the financial aid papers, she really can't spend that on other things. The formula used for determining need allocates the child's assets at a far greater percentage than it does the parents. A vast percentage of that savings will be required for tuition payments in the first year. I can't remember the difference in the student's vs. the parent's savings, but the company that does these financial aid calculations likely has a website which explains it. It is out of Princeton, NJ, I think. You can ask the school counselor or the university financial aid office for the specifics.

 

[Tiggeroo]

I do understand, I have a dd who was fairly quiet, more or a homebody. I was torn between her going away and staying home at the state school. In the end she chose staying home and going to the state school but I left it up to her. She is a sophomore and has decided to live on campus now. I am glad, she needs the independence. She may also choose to go to an out of state school next year.
If your concerns are mainly the friend, just insist she stay on campus. It's really better then having to drive to school all of the time. And my experience with my dd, living off campus limits her ability to be involved in things there.
You should do some college tours. Pick 5 schools, go visit them with her info and meet with their financial aid advisor. Apply to 3 and see what package they give her. You may find that she can afford to live on campus out of state. Then with firm numbers in mind she can make the decision. Explain the amount you will help her with and leave it up to her. Realize that if she didn't go to college, in a few months she would be 18 and could leave home and live on her own anyway.

 

[mrsmom]

She wanted to get in a good Journalism school. now she just cares about where her friend is going, this girl hasn't even takin SAT's yet and she has very bad grades. I have legitmate concerns about this girl, she is out for the fun of things not to get a good career. everyone that has seen her says the same thing she has no other friends except my dd. So if my dd wanted to go because it was a good school for journalism and she wanted to go because she wanted this school for her ,I would be 100% behind her.
Kim

 

[sharbear]

I can understand why you are upset. It sounds like her choices are because of a friend, not about going to college. I think that you have to insist here, maybe make a deal. If she goes to school in Ohio for a year and still wants to go to Indiana, then you'll think about it then. But until then she needs to make her decision not based on what her friend is doing. It is hard to think about going away to school and not knowing anyone. But once she gets there everything will be okay.

Ohio University has a great journalism school, The Scripps School of Journalism. I was just talking to someone last night whose daughter goes there. She loves it and is really happy. Athens is only 1 or 1 1/2 hours away from Cincy? Encourage her to look into OU and find out what a great school they have and how much better it would be for her career to go to a highly thought of college. I hear that it is not easy to get into the school of journalism, talk that up (if she has the grades and SAT's).

I know that seniors think that they know it all, but try to have her make a choice that is positive for the future.

 

[daughter_of_amid_chaos]

I was shy and pretty sheltered under my parents' wings before i went to school.
I am not a very outgoing girl and never have been but I did go to college 20 hours away.
I am at school in Indiana and my family is in Massachusetts. I have changed so much in the 2 months I have been at school (I am a freshman). I am much more independent and confident and my eyes have been opened to sooo much.
As for the money situation, there are millions of scholarships availavle for everything so she can meet with her counselor and get information on those.

I was told by friends, teachers, and my college counselor that I would not be able to handle school so far away and would be wanting to transfer. I LOVE my school and know I am going to stay here for 4 years. My friends who went to school in Boston and stayed close to home..are looking into transfering.

 

[whtyger97]

I wish parents would say "I won't let my child do ..... " after they are 18. You don't have a choice, they do. After they are 18 it is THEIR life, and their choices, not yours.
You don't have to approve of their choices, pay for them, or in anyway support them.
If you don't want your daughter to go to an out of state school, then don't pay for it or cosign any loans. But it should be HER choice to make.
Yes people fall before they learn to walk, but you aren't always going to be there to support her she needs to learn to stand on her own.