Naughty kids, motivation

[aspramn]

ok...My kids have been so naughty latley..girls 9 & 12... I origonaly was going to do a chore/helpful chart for them till we go to disney in 2 months, but it's not working......

I have resolved to make a chart with a $30.00 balance for each kid. BUT If they yell at me, disrespect me and don't do what they are sapose to , money will be minused off the $30.00. IF they do something remarkable they can earn moneu back...

Has anyone done anything like this?

My 9 yr. old has to be the center of attention and has to talk/yell louder than anyone..I am just frustrated...triing to plan a wonderfull trip and just feel like the kids are being ungratefull about it... Would appreciate any suggestions...

Amber

 

[mommy-on-the-move]

just my opinion but I've found starting at $0 and having them earn it tends to get more positive results than starting at a number and taking away from it, if you start at a number and take away from it for bad behaviour then again mom is the bad guy - and it becomes about you being mean mom, not about their behaviour having an effect on what the recieve, where as everyone starts at $0 and has to build on it then negative behaviour isn't getting them anywhere (quite literally) but positive behaviour is gaining them something and they're going to want those $$$ for the parks!

My eldest is 10 and i've found remaining calm and telling her outright we do not accept that in our household (rather than yelling back at her) has alot more effect than rising to it when she annoys me (and she does- i feel your pain... my mother assures me it's a phase that only lasts another 10 years or so )

Good luck!

 

[MSSANDRA]

I agree with above poster that positive reinforcment for motivational charts tend to work better.

HOWEVER- We do not tolerate rude behavior to parents. Sometimes you have to stop a bad behavior before you can reinforce a good one and I am too impatient to wait for a chart to do that. For behavior such as yelling at a parent, i would simple say; no TV the rest of the day. NO yelling, end of coversation. If they yell again, it is two days. Use the phone, TV games or what ever works at your home.

The key is to stay calm, never argue with them and always follow through. If they contine to resit , just up the loss of what ever and it will stop soon. THEN use the reward chart to reinforce the behavior you want. Money can motivate pre-teens.

 

[Aliceacc]

I agree with above poster that positive reinforcment for motivational charts tend to work better.

The key is to stay calm, never argue with them and always follow through. If they contine to resit , just up the loss of what ever and it will stop soon. QUOTE]

Absolutely.

Choose a time when you and your husband are alone and calm. Then come up with a list of enforceable consequences. (No video games, no playdates, whatever.) Keep it in mind, on the kitchen cabinet, in your wallet, whatever.

But make SURE it's enforceable. "In your room for a month" is not, yet that's the kind of thing we tend to blurt out when we're angry. So a little preventative thinking can probably help a lot.

And, for the record: there's no way a typical pre-teen is going to be grateful NOW for something they'll receive LATER. (I'm not excusing bad behavior, just focusing on that one aspect.) Their brains simply are not wired that way. Of course they should be respectful and good, but don't tie it into gratitude; that will come when you land at MCO.

 

[brymolmom]

Aside from the '$ for Disney' chart - have you tried anything else? What is it that would motivate your kids? Is it a favorite TV show, their MP3 player, talking on the phone with friends, video games, a dance class???

If it is serious enough and you want to jump-start thinking about your actions and making the RIGHT choices (especially if they've been disrespectful - this is the one that gets to me with my own kids) - i would start taking their 'luxuries' away. Start with something on the smaller side - like no TV for a day or two and if the bad behavior continues move to the whole thing - a week with no phone calls, TV, dance class, etc. I'm sure at your kids' ages there are some thing(s) that will really strike a cord and get their attention when removed. Of course, because your kids are way old enough to understand I would recommend first sitting with them to go over the new 'rules' - THis is what will be taken away for THIS behavior. Tell them the action and then the consequences so that THEY can choose whether or not they want to keep all their fun stuff or lose it.

Then, after the behavior has improved you could say somethign like 'you guys have been doing great with the new rules - I'm going to start rewarding you for extra good stuff ' - and then put up the chart for extra $$ for Disney.

Good luck!

 

[tzolkin]

we started a "disney" chart for my girls almost 2 mos ago and it has been going well. they are 9 (last week) and almost 4... not teens yet, so your focus may be different.

their chart is just a cute calendar that i printed out and they get two stars a day (morning and afternoon/evening). if they only have minor behavior issues (i.e. they stop immediately when asked) they get a star for that morning/afternoon, but if they have yelling, crying/tantrum then they miss the star. if they get a certain number of stars at the end of the week they get "disney dollars". if they missed a few they get less. if they missed a bunch they dont get anything. they have little wallets that they put their spending money in and they honestly have not missed more than two stars per week since we started.

for my older dd there is a schedule/checklist next to the disney chart with the general things she needs to do in the morning and afternoon. she tends to forget to do things unless i explicitly tell her to and even then she can only follow one item at a time. she can look at this to see if she did everything or not. she's not earning money for doing things she should already be doing (everything on this list is something for herself: brush teeth, empty backpack, homework, etc), but since it's right by the chart she associates good behavior and reward with her responsibilities.

 

[aspramn]

Thank you all for all your great suggestions. We had a big talk with our 9 yr. old the other night. She had a major melt down. So we sat and talk to her for about 30 min. I think she got the picture. So this weekand I am making the chart. I like the idea of putting the check list next to it, I may try that.

Thank you