Names........

[JJClemson]

This is something I have also been struggling with since before we were engaged.

I have always disliked my last name. It begins with the letters "HL" so no one ever knows how to pronounce it. However, I feel if I give up my last name, I'd be losing my identity. I have a brother and many boy cousins, so it has nothing to do w/ the legacy bit. I've earned degrees with my name, had journal articles published w/ my last name, etc. I don't know, I kind of like having an unusual last name now.

However, I do want to have the same last name as my future children. So, I may make my current last name my middle name and take DF's last name when that happens. I have not even thought about how we're going to be introduced I am not sure what to do about that!

 

[hulagirl87]

I'm reading all these posts and I'm so the opposite! I'm ok with giving up my last name. My parents got divorced when I was little and I ended my relationship with my father almost 4 years ago. I don't really want his last name as mine anymore. I will be Amy mymiddlename and then myfiance'slastname. I'm good with that. It just feels right for me...

 

[ForKeeps]

I kept my last name. If anyone had a problem with it, they didn't say anything to me about it. (Although, frankly -- I'm sure something has been said, and I just don't care) I'm pretty headstrong, so I doubt anyone would want to hear my Foucauldian rant about tradition.

It was a decision for DH and I to make. DH didn't care...and I (like Jen) have degrees in my name. I want the professional continuity. I can understand why people want to change their names...I just didn't.

I won't make a big stink if people introduce us as Mr. & Mrs., but I made sure that all of my address labels for our announcements have both our full names on them. I figure that's the best way to get the message out.

 

[DisBride2007]

I agree with ForKeeps...

I don't even love my own name that much, but I'm keeping it for a few reasons. Mostly professional - I have known everyone through my career by one name, and if I change it, I will lose a valuable networking ability. Also I don't particularly care to associate myself with his family name... oops, did I say that??

However, I have to say that I can't BELIEVE how many people have harassed me about my decision. Not my DH, or his family, or my family. My family seems to want to call me by HIS name. My birthday was two weeks after the wedding, and all the cards I got from my extended family were sent to Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislast name. Um, hello, I don't even get to keep my first name??? Anytime someone saw me for the first time after the wedding, the first question was, "how was the wedding?" and then "so what's your new name?" It got so annoying... I ended up screaming at a couple people.. People couldn't accept that I wanted to keep my name. I don't know where this silly tradition came from anyway!!

It was also annoying that a lot of the checks that people gave as gifts were made out to Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname. That and the fact that we didn't have a joint account made depositing checks very tricky... Note to all, set up a joint account before you get married! We lost out on tons of interest!

Anyway, I agree it can be annoying to have to write both names on everything... I've started just putting initials on return addresses... but DH doesn't care as long as any future children have his name.

 

[purplegirl247]

I'm doing the same thing as tigerific. I know it will probably confuse some people, but that's ok. I'm the last one with my name (all my dad's brothers had girls; oops!) but it ends with me because we likely aren't going to have kids. Right now my professional name is MyFirstName MyMiddleInitial MyLastName, so when we get married, it'll just be MyFirstName MyMiddleInitial MyLastName HisLastName. I didn't want to hyphenate, and didn't want to lose my last name either so this is my compromise. DF is supportive of both ways.

On a related side note, our ceremony will also not have the "who gives this woman away" line because I'm really, really close to my dad and I think it would hurt his feelings, like I wasn't part of our family anymore. So we're going to have the officiant say something to the effect of "who shares this woman with your family, making her as one of your own" and have his entire side say "we do" and then visa versa with my family and him.

Really, it's all about whatever feels right!

 

[princessblueeyzes]

I kept my last name and hyphenated it with DH's last name. I have a caucasian last name and his is spanish. I did this so that way no matter what part of the country we are in I can use it to my advantage.

 

[j_lehr]

I kept my maiden name even though it's a mouthful with 11 letters. The biggest reason, DH's ex-wife has the same name. No way was I going to have the same name as her!

oooh I know what you mean. I am taking my his last name but....that crosses my mind every once in a while. But the main reason I want to take his last name is to get rid of my ex-husband's last name.

It would also be nice if we have a child together that we all have the same name. Growing up, there was my mom, my step dad, 2 sisters and me and 4 last names in the same household! (don't ask, lol) I always felt like we weren't as good as those "whole" families (perspective of a middle school kid). My daughter from a previous relationship has her father's last name and hates that her name isn't the same as mine. I don't want to do that to antoher kid.

Good Luck in whatever you decide!

 

[Indy's Girl]

I ended up struggling with this more than I initially thought I would. Half of me feels sentimental about wanting to take his last name, and the other half is the independent girl from a family where all the women kept their last names. I have a hyphenated first name, so hyphenating the last is out of the question. I also really like my middle name and so don't want to get rid of that. What I am thinking of doing is keeping all my names, but making my last name into another middle name, and then taking his name as my last name. While this will leave me with 5 names in all, it will allow me to feel like I am keeping my identity and family ties while making him happy by having his last name and making things easy for when I have kids. I just dread the forms where you have to put your full legal name, as there aren't enough spaces for my name as it is now more often than not!

 

[PirateKitty]

I'm taking DF's last name. But it won't go without a little humor involved. I won't say what it is, but remember The Wedding Singer? (Julia Goolia) Yeah...its gonna rhyme.

 

[catwub]

Okay, I need even a little more help here!!! My DF and I have actually been together on and off for 14 years. After finally working out the bumps we are getting married. I want to take his last name but our daughter, who has my last name, does not want to change hers, AT ALL. No hyphenating, no changing. She has a half sister that has her dad's last name and she wants to keep her own last name. I have no idea what to do about this one. She is only 8, but it is HER name and I don't feel quite right changing it without her permission. I originally gave her my last name and said I would change it if we ever got married. To be honest, I didn't think it would be this much later!!! Thanks for any advice!


CAT

 

[WDWAurora]

Oh, I understand what you are saying too! My fiance's name that I took is 9 letters, German, and always pronounced wrong. When I introduce myself, everyone says, "Can you spell that for me?" Well, yep I can, but it doesn't sound like it is spelled LOL I would have hated for our daughter to have to learn it when she was small. She was 14 when he adopted her, and she practiced for a while before the adoption.

And for all of the 'headache' I get when I have to spell it, when people make comments about hamburger (because being German it has berger in it) all having to repeat it over and over.. every time I do, I just think about how much brighter my life has been since that name came into it. I just think about how good of a father he is, and how much love is in our home!

Oh my goodness. For a minute, I could have sworn we were going to have the same last name due to the men, but we don't have the berger in ours. I always have to spell it (and repeat it for people to be able to pronounce), but I had to with my maiden name as well.

I did the change to Courtney mymaiden hislastname and go by Courtney hislastname. My undergrad degree was in my maiden, but when I receive my graduate degree, it will already be changed. I switched between my 1st and 2nd years of grad school. In the 3rd year now, I'm basically used to the name. I do like it, despite how hard it is to pronounce.

 

[dopeyfanatic]

I would not change your daughter's last name. That's the name she's use to and she's comfortable with it. It's possible she'll change it in the future. Maybe the reason she doesn't want to is because she's seen you guys get together/break up so much she's concerned if she changes it and something happens she's stuck with it? Not trying to be mean, just trying to figure out why she wouldn't want her dad's name. And at 8, if that is a concern, I don't know if she'd tell you....

As for identity, I see a lot of people saying that they feel they would lose their identity if they changed their last name. I think everyone needs to remember that it's not the name that makes you who you are. You don't change because your name does. If it was for a business reason I can understand not wantin to lose valuable contacts, but you're still you no matter what name you choose. No decision is wrong though. If someone doesn't agree with you keeping your own name, I wouldn' worry about it. Just think secretly that maybe they're jealous they didn't have the guts to do the same thing

 

[PrincessBride07]

I seem to be the weird one here, but I am excited to take DF's last name. I hate my last name. It is a simple 4 letter name that everyone misspells. DF name is a little longer (6 letters) but is a very common name. The only problem I am going to have is that whenever I am asked my last name I say it and instantly start to spell it for them. I am afraid that I will look like an idiot when people ask me my new name, and I start to spell it for them. (Like I said it is a very common name that most everybody knows how to spell.)

 

[JandJ]

I went back and forth with this too. My brother is married but they aren't having children and my one male cousin isn't married yet (over 35) so it looks like the name is going to die in this generation. It's an old sounding name, 2 words, very "regal" sounding (not to come off as stuck-up ) My degree is in my maiden name and I just love it. I didn't want to hyphenate since it's already 2 words. DH's last name is not pretty. It's often misspelled, everyone wants to add an "s" or a "t" to the end and it's one of those where the root is an every day word, so it's easy to make fun of (I fear for our future kids). But I am pretty old fashioned, and I do want to have the same name as our future kids, so I changed my name. I moved my maiden name up to my middle since I never liked my given middle name anyway.

I was still undecided when we got home from our honeymoon and I got back to work and my office manager had taken down my nameplate and had one made with my married last name and put that up - without even asking me! She threw away my nameplate with my maiden name - I was ticked off!

Here's a funny story - when I went to change my name on my passport, the post office guy asked me what my maiden name was and I told him and he said "pretty!" Then he asked me what my married name is and when I told him he said "oh. You must really love him!"

 

[cryssi]

I'm also one of those who tacked on DH's last name to mine. My middle and maiden names are both now my middle names. DH has told me twice now why did I do that and that it's "dumb" but whatever. I don't care. My maiden name is very unusual, and my married name is very, very, very, very, very...etc. common, but I didn't want to give up my middle name (even though I hated it when I was younger)...so...the solution was 2 middle names. It's only really long on my drivers license, ss card, and passport (when I reapply which will have to be like, now). I really just go by his last name...

 

[prprincess]

I chose to hyphenate for sentimental reasons. There are no boys in my family with my (maiden) last name, and so I was concerned about the name living on. But four years later, it's more of a PITA to write and sign my name, and spell it out for people, so sometimes I honestly do think about just changing over to DH's in the future.

 

[smoof]

Mermaid...your FI rocks! He should take your name!

I didn't change mine. I considered hyphenating, but didn't. DH would be happy if I did that, but I told him I would hyphenate if he does. He gets all flustered about tradition when I say that. DH hates I didn't change my name, I don't think he has even told his family, in 2.5 years. All my mail from his family goes to Smoof His Last Name. Sometimes it is a pain picking up a package at the post office. I carry a copy of my marriage license around for those occasions...weird, I know.

As for the name dying out thing. I don't know how true that is. If you do an Internet search for your maiden name, I bet you will find lots of people. I have a VERY ODD last name, and there are a good number of us out there. Not saying your name can't die out, but if you look at all the people just in this post saying that is their fear, I don't think all those names are dying out in this generation. Just a thought.

 

[calgarygary]

Hello everyone,

This is my first post on this board, but I'm actually on here quite often. I'm not married or even engaged, or even close to being engaged, but this debate gets me all riled up already.

I almost dread getting married because the whole name change issues are so complicated now a days.

For myself: I don't want to change my last name, not because of the legacy or anything like that, just because it is my identity and I don't think it is fair that my identity has to be erased/altered while his doesn't.

Also: Hyphenating can be complecated for children once they get to school, and what happens when they get married.

Ideally: I think the tradition should change and men should take our last names and our children should have our last names too. Wouldn't that make things easier for us?!?!?!

For you ladies out their who hyphenated your last names, did he hyphenate his as well??? How common is this or is it usually just the woman who hyphenates?


Laura

 

[luna99]

In my family it's only my sister and I so if we both took our husbands last names our family name (at least on our branch of the tree) would be gone as well. My sister is nowhere near getting married, I'm the first.. and while I"m still debating on what to do, I think I'm leaning towards hyphenating our last names together for me.

I come from a HUGE mexican family (on my dad's side) and we're really close. Growing up my dad and mom always instilled in me that family is the most important thing in life.... and well, I ended up moving so far away from my family to be with my fiance... I live in New York State now and my family is all in Texas.. it's super hard being away from my mom and dad and sister .. not to mention all my cousins and aunts and uncles..... and the thought of giving up my last name really makes me sad... I feel like if I do that, it's going to be symbolically saying goodbye to my family and my mexican roots.

so I think I'm going to be: Rodriguez-West
my husband will be West
and our kids will be west.... when they get older, if they wonder why mom has a different last name we'll tell them and if they want to change their last name to Rodriguez-West, that will be their choice when they are old enough to understand.

 

[tangiblehope]

I'm also one of those who tacked on DH's last name to mine. My middle and maiden names are both now my middle names. DH has told me twice now why did I do that and that it's "dumb" but whatever. I don't care. My maiden name is very unusual, and my married name is very, very, very, very, very...etc. common, but I didn't want to give up my middle name (even though I hated it when I was younger)...so...the solution was 2 middle names. It's only really long on my drivers license, ss card, and passport (when I reapply which will have to be like, now). I really just go by his last name...

I think I may do the same so I don't think it's "dumb"! My maiden name is hard to pronounce, but I've grown to love it and was struggling with giving it up. I like my middle name so I think I'll just have two middle names! I really want to take my fiance's last name because I'm traditional like that.

Thanks for the idea!