My whole world as turned upside down in a week (sorry long post)

[mumloveseeyore]

so sorry take care of yourself.

 

[UKDEB]

I don't believe it's a case of being weak at all. I do think Jen has given some very good advice, though. Even though it will probably be hell, I'd ask him to leave whilst making it clear that you want to work it out. He needs to know he has to make a decision and can't have it both ways, but that the door is open. Resist the urge to throw any hissy fits or to sink into neediness. Be the fun-loving, easy-going person he fell in love with. Force yourself to be calm and self-assured. Tell him you want him back, but have the air of someone who will manage just fine if he walks away. Crying and begging or anger will drive him to her. Quietly and creatively remind him of all the things he's got to lose if he chooses her. Talk about fun times you've had. Dig out photos of the kids when they were small. Giggle with him. Best of all, if you've got any male friends who can take you out, dress up and do it. And let him see it. If he thinks you're attractive to someone else, you'll suddenly become a whole lot more attractive to him.

There's no doubt you're going to have some very painful weeks ahead of you. I hope it works out for you.

 

[buzz for boys]

No advice but just wanted to say - you are not weak and I really wouldnt know what to do in your position when you have been with someone for so long and share children this must be so difficult.
Stay strong x x x

 

[Jets fan]

Again no advice, just my very best wishes that it all works out for you.

Tina

 

[jen_uk]

I don't believe it's a case of being weak at all. I do think Jen has given some very good advice, though. Even though it will probably be hell, I'd ask him to leave whilst making it clear that you want to work it out. He needs to know he has to make a decision and can't have it both ways, but that the door is open. Resist the urge to throw any hissy fits or to sink into neediness. Be the fun-loving, easy-going person he fell in love with. Force yourself to be calm and self-assured. Tell him you want him back, but have the air of someone who will manage just fine if he walks away. Crying and begging or anger will drive him to her. Quietly and creatively remind him of all the things he's got to lose if he chooses her. Talk about fun times you've had. Dig out photos of the kids when they were small. Giggle with him. Best of all, if you've got any male friends who can take you out, dress up and do it. And let him see it. If he thinks you're attractive to someone else, you'll suddenly become a whole lot more attractive to him.

There's no doubt you're going to have some very painful weeks ahead of you. I hope it works out for you.

Totally agree with all of that, you don't want to seem like the crying wife as it will make her look all the more appealing.

 

[tennisfan]

Hope things work out for the best

 

[joolz1910]

She can't compete with you - you have 15 years of history and share children. She is merely a bit of escapism. If you want him to stay, let him stay. You must do whatever keeps you going. We can all sing the lyrics of 'I will survive' but watching someone you love walk away, is often more painful than letting them stay. There is nothing weak about wanting to fight to save your relationship. Follow your heart.

 

[kieras nana]

i don't think,you are weak!
i have always said,if my husband,ever had an affair,i would forgive him! it would rip,my heart out,but i love him so much,i would never want,to lose him.people have called me crazy,when we have had the conversation,about what we would do,in this situation.most of my friends,say their husbands,would be gone for good,but to me,it is so easy to say,not so easy to do.so i truly think,you have to go with your heart & not see it,as a weakness.i just hope he makes,the right decision & realises,what he could lose.
i really hope,everything works out,for you,
tracy

 

[Netty]

Gaynor, sending you do what your heart says, thats best for you, but also listen to your head

 

[bronny]

Bless your heart. I feel for you. Sometimes its easier to vent to people you don't know. I can't begin to give advice, we each make our own decisions in life as to what is the best thing to do. You have to do what you feel is the best for all of you. You sound far from weak! It takes great strength to go through what you are experiencing, I think everyone - at some point - has been through similar. I hope that everything works out for you.xxx

 

[Loubbylou]

Just wanted to say that I hope everything works out for you and to take care.

I don't think its weak to try and forgive someone you love. What ever you decide to do will be be the right decision for you.

 

[Gaynor]

Thanks for all the lovely words and hugs, I really need a hug at the minute.

We've been to watch youngest dd in a dance show tonight. I did comment to him how much he has to lose whilst watching her.

If he doesn't want me then that's fine, but I can't live with the limbo I'm in at the moment.

I think I'll ask him to leave whilst he sorts his head out. Why should I put up with him here while he's still in contact with her.

She's on holiday with her partner at the moment. I've just got a feeling he's waiting for her to come back so they can find somewhere to live together.

I can live without him it's just the financial part and the efffect it will have on the girls that worries me.

Will be going to bed soon. See you all in the morning.

 

[torsie24]

I'm only young so can't offer any advice Gaynor. But I'll keep you in my thoughts and hope you can come to some kind of decision without too much heartache!

Please never feel weak or like this is anything you have done wrong, just follow your heart and I'm certain things will work out OK in the end.

 

[BingsingsWaltDisney]

Last year my dh and I decided to split up, it was all my idea, he really didn't want to, at first he just moved into the spare room and I have to admit it was easy for me as it felt like I still had him there in the background. Anyway, after a month or so he suddenly moved out and I was so shocked, after a few weeks of him being away I realised how much I loved him and wanted him back. We went to Relate and then got back together. So my advice is ask him to move out, the whole time he is there he is able to dither about his choice and he won't have the real sense of what it will feel like to lose you. If you throw him out it might shock some sense into him, its so easy to think the grass is greener but he will soon realise its not!

Whatever you decide I hope it all works out

I don't believe it's a case of being weak at all. I do think Jen has given some very good advice, though. Even though it will probably be hell, I'd ask him to leave whilst making it clear that you want to work it out. He needs to know he has to make a decision and can't have it both ways, but that the door is open. Resist the urge to throw any hissy fits or to sink into neediness. Be the fun-loving, easy-going person he fell in love with. Force yourself to be calm and self-assured. Tell him you want him back, but have the air of someone who will manage just fine if he walks away. Crying and begging or anger will drive him to her. Quietly and creatively remind him of all the things he's got to lose if he chooses her. Talk about fun times you've had. Dig out photos of the kids when they were small. Giggle with him. Best of all, if you've got any male friends who can take you out, dress up and do it. And let him see it. If he thinks you're attractive to someone else, you'll suddenly become a whole lot more attractive to him.

There's no doubt you're going to have some very painful weeks ahead of you. I hope it works out for you.

Brave Jen..........

Sue......wasted talent should be some part of a relate team....well done babe

Gaynor.............what can i say.......as a bloke..............kick him in the goolies would spring to mind..................but you will work it out...............
hope all goes well

 

[rpbert1]

Cannot really offer a lot of advice being a male, but send a lot of,
I think women are very forgiving and do put up with a lot, but if it was you who was having an affair, would he be so tolerant as what you have been, i doubt it.

 

[fizz13]

Sorry I only saw this now and wish I had some good advice although looks like everyone here has said some great things already. I think Jen had the right idea in asking him to leave, he needs distance to gain prespective. Its much too easy for him right now, and I think in your situation what would really niggle me is that he is not offering an apology really, more that he is choosing. For me I would refuse to be a choice. I am an all or nothing. I could forgive the cheating, in fact I have before, but only because he came to me grovelling and had cut her off.

I hope you find the strength to get through this and I send you masses of hugs, let your friends be there for you, talk and cry all you need to, and I hope he gets the kick up the bum he needs. You are worth his all and 100% love and devotion

 

[comingtodisney]

i think your being the opposite of weak gaynor, there has been lots of good advice on here already, just wanted to send you lots of

 

[Booknut]

I think you are very brave and very strong and I will keep you in my prayers throughout all of this. You've had some amazing advice, you have your heart in the right place for you and your kids.

 

[jen_uk]

We've been to watch youngest dd in a dance show tonight. I did comment to him how much he has to lose whilst watching her.

If he doesn't want me then that's fine, but I can't live with the limbo I'm in at the moment.

I think I'll ask him to leave whilst he sorts his head out. Why should I put up with him here while he's still in contact with her.

She's on holiday with her partner at the moment. I've just got a feeling he's waiting for her to come back so they can find somewhere to live together.

I can live without him it's just the financial part and the efffect it will have on the girls that worries me.

Will be going to bed soon. See you all in the morning.

I really would ask him to go, as Claire said he's having a far too easy time at the moment choosing where he wants to be, I would make that choice for him! Even if you really want the family to stay together you have to look long term, he might choose to live with her but I bet its not long before he realises he made a huge mistake. Lets face it having a mistress is oh so exciting but when they live together it will quickly become mundane and that is when he will realise what he has thrown away.

Hugs for you

 

[Gaynor]

I've done a lot of thinking since last night and decided I needed to take some control.

I've asked him to move out for now for my sanity, he has decisions to make and now so do I. I'm so confused right now, even if he wants me I don't know if I want him. I need some distance from him.

Him being here is making me feel ill, I've lost 8lb in the last 10 days I can't afford to be ill or lose more weight I've got to put myself and the girls 1st.

Like Claire and Jen said he's had it too easy being here.

I'll keep you all posted.

Thanks for listening