My son's threatening to punch a classmate!

[ThePetLady7]

I don't think 8th grade boys are 12. I would say closer to 14 and a big difference.

the closest thing our middle school kids get to a recess if they finish eating before bell they can go outside.

And I actually have a 12 yr old boy and if he ever called me from school expressing his anger was so bad he thought he was going to punch someone and a teacher at the school thought there was such a reality of it happening that they had to run over there right then, not talk to him later that week or even later that day,but immediately, so it couldn't happen. And he needed to take a walk to calm down before returning to class, then I would be very worried and getting him anger management help before something could happen that would get him thrown out of school and possibly criminally charged.

At our high school if you physically attack another student there is a very good chance the police officer will be taking you out in handcuffs.

The OP said her son is 12, I was going with that.

I have a 16 year old son, and while he has never called me from school saying he wanted to punch someone, OR actually gotten in trouble at school for punching someone, he certainly has expressed to me his desire to do so at times.

As for the teacher, what would the reaction have been if they had ignored the OP's call, or put off taking action? We don't know what happened that angered the boy in the first place, if the situation escalated and no one took any action, would someone hold that teacher liable? Don't they have an obligation to act and assess the situation?

For all we know, the boy had a legitimate reason to be angry, and he DID manage his anger by calling out for help and not punching the other kid.

 

[allison443]

In retrospect it was kind of amusing, but I don't need this kind of adrenaline rush every day.

Yesterday before lunch my 12yo son calls me from school asking to come home. I start digging to try to figure out what's up, whether it's illness or schoolwork or something else. I know from experience that he sometimes tries to duck school when he's scared about presenting in front of the class. Finally he blurts out, "I'm afraid if I stay I'm going to end up either screaming or punching someone in the face!"

"What? You had a fight with a classmate?" I ask.

"That's not the point!"

"How is coming home going to solve this? Won't you just have to face this kid again tomorrow?"

"Well, fine! I'll stay here!"

I was worried about the boy, so after he hung up I called the school back and asked to talk to the Resource Teacher (he knows my son reasonably well, having worked with him in the past).

As soon as I relayed our conversation to the RT, I got an immediate - and surprising - response.

"Oh no, he's on the edge! He's going to blow! I'd better get in there and pull him out class... Okay, wait... he's on the other side of the building. I'm going! Now!"

Wow. I mean, I appreciate the prompt reaction. And my son sure didn't mind getting pulled out of class to take a walk and chat about his angst. But... wow. It makes me wonder what kind of spectacular meltdowns they've seen in the past, that had a normally not-terribly-excitable man reacting like that.

In any case, the RT called back sounding relieved, to tell me that my son's "body language" was better after their walk and that everything was fine.

When my son got home last night I talked to him about the inadvisability of punching anyone in the face.

My son's response? "You only get in trouble for fighting if the teacher sees you. Believe me, I know!"



My 14yo daughter is mellow and easy-going, like I was. I don't have any frame of reference for this kind of drama. Sure, I've heard my husband's stories of his youth, but I always chalked it up to growing up in a small Northern town. I really would like to avoid bloody noses and concussions and such like. Any ideas?

(FWIW, he was mad at a totally DIFFERENT classmate by the time he got home, and had already "kinda forgiven" the one he was fighting with that morning.)

Sorry, OP, I'm with the others who don't think this is "kind of amusing".

It's lucky your child was able to reach you by phone (what if you were out or driving and couldn't answer a cell phone), and that you could then reach the resource teacher right away.
I wonder what would have happened if your son hadn't reached you or if the resource teacher hadn't been able to talk to him immediately.

I realize you aren't taking it lightly, and I'm glad you're seeing someone about it.

 

[krcit]

The OP said her son is 12, I was going with that.

I have a 16 year old son, and while he has never called me from school saying he wanted to punch someone, OR actually gotten in trouble at school for punching someone, he certainly has expressed to me his desire to do so at times.

As for the teacher, what would the reaction have been if they had ignored the OP's call, or put off taking action? We don't know what happened that angered the boy in the first place, if the situation escalated and no one took any action, would someone hold that teacher liable? Don't they have an obligation to act and assess the situation?

For all we know, the boy had a legitimate reason to be angry, and he DID manage his anger by calling out for help and not punching the other kid.

I'm with you. I think some posters are making a mountain out of a molehill..very ***** like The kid is 12 and I think he handled himself beautifully. Got himself out of the situation and called his mom. Mom called the school and the counselor reacted as he should have. I think that if the counselor didn't even know the OP's son he would have reacted the same way. He was afraid that their would be a 'situation' and he had to react quickly.

 

[punkin]

I'm with you. I think some posters are making a mountain out of a molehill..very ***** like The kid is 12 and I think he handled himself beautifully. Got himself out of the situation and called his mom. Mom called the school and the counselor reacted as he should have. I think that if the counselor didn't even know the OP's son he would have reacted the same way. He was afraid that their would be a 'situation' and he had to react quickly.

this.

12 yo boys fight and then forget about it the next minute. Most of them have no serious anger issues beyond puberty. On the other hand, OP seems to be taking it rather seriously, so maybe there is something else going on here. OP is the only one on this thread who actually knows.

 

[bumbershoot]

Your son had issues with two different kids in one day?

Sounds like your son needs some serious anger management counceling...

Being angry doesn't mean you need counseling....

So I think your son showed great maturity in realizing that he was very angry and needed a break and then took a positive step to help himself. Some kids his age wouldn't have done that.

I think so too, and agree that most kids wouldn't know how to do it. He's doing his OWN anger management, he's working on his resources to control himself...that's Awesome.

And that's EXACTLY what anger management counseling helps you do. Ask me how I know!

I have a friend who knows something about it and she just keeps telling me my son needs to "work on his internal dialogue" - whatever that means.

He needs to talk to himself silently, work through his feelings, don't act on anything, just keep himself calm. Find ways, tricks, to keep himself calm, all internally.

Which is, um, just about what he's doing already....he's still a kid so he still needs you, that's about the only difference!

After reading some of these responses, I'm wondering if some of you have actually spent much time around 12 year old boys.

Agreed! Oldest of 5, 3 of the sibs being boys, here, and this is absolutely normal for them! My full brother didn't act this way but he's frighteningly calm; should have been a fighter pilot or sniper (and heck, he might have been for all he talks about his 4 years in the AF)...he's always been very self-controlled. And he's always been considered rather abnormal (but in a good way) for a boy...

I don't think 8th grade boys are 12. I would say closer to 14 and a big difference.

If I was 17 at graduation, that made me....12/13 for 8th grade... Most of my friends were already 13 when they started 8th, with the outliers turning 14 during the year...

The kid is 12 and I think he handled himself beautifully. Got himself out of the situation and called his mom.

I agree!

The way he got out of those feelings is just exactly what he would be taught in counseling. I'm not saying it would be bad to have a little extra, if only to PROVE to him that he's doing well, but he is already doing what'cha gotta do.

Counseling doesn't make you not angry...it helps you *control* it.



magpie, I would have cracked up right then and there if someone said "he's going to blow" on the phone....wouldn't even have been in retrospect!

 

[Magpie]

this.

12 yo boys fight and then forget about it the next minute. Most of them have no serious anger issues beyond puberty. On the other hand, OP seems to be taking it rather seriously, so maybe there is something else going on here. OP is the only one on this thread who actually knows.

OP here - I'm on the fence. I think the kid has issues, but I don't think "anger" is really one of them. He's not a seething cauldron of rage . He plays with his friends every evening, and I never hear them fighting. He regularly plays peacemaker between two of his buddies who don't like each other.

The boys he has had issues with at school are not in his regular group of friends. I know he "hates" one of them because that boy keeps making general homophobic and sexist remarks - probably because he knows it puts my son's back up. I think this is probably just "boy-stuff".

But I also know that my boy IS stressed and anxious, and last year he was in tears over his homework more than once. I tend to try to keep an eye on him, because of the LD. I don't want him to fall through the cracks, which can happen easily with boys like him, especially since the school system doesn't really provide much support.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I think it sounds like your son handled the situation really well--as did you OH, and i can see the humor in the comment too.

 

[VickiVM]

OP here - I'm on the fence. I think the kid has issues, but I don't think "anger" is really one of them. He's not a seething cauldron of rage . He plays with his friends every evening, and I never hear them fighting. He regularly plays peacemaker between two of his buddies who don't like each other.

The boys he has had issues with at school are not in his regular group of friends. I know he "hates" one of them because that boy keeps making general homophobic and sexist remarks - probably because he knows it puts my son's back up. I think this is probably just "boy-stuff".

But I also know that my boy IS stressed and anxious, and last year he was in tears over his homework more than once. I tend to try to keep an eye on him, because of the LD. I don't want him to fall through the cracks, which can happen easily with boys like him, especially since the school system doesn't really provide much support.

Actually sounds like he himself my be experiencing a little bit of bullying. Just enough to push his buttons, but not enough to be on the teacher's or administrator's radar.

I have a 16 year old and never experienced this level of struggle to maintain self-control. If my son as a 7th or 8th grader was in line with lots of head-butting and play punching, he would not appreciate it one bit nor would be participating. Truthfully, that wouldn't be allowed in his school anyway.

Also, since your son has not given you details, you don't know if he was actually provoked - in which case makes sense why he felt that level of intensity of emotion - or if he was unable to adjust to a social situation. Maybe your pediatrition can assist.

 

[luvsJack]

Oh for heaven's sakes. I have had 2 twelve year old boys and they both DID punch someone. And the next day they were best friends with the one they were fighting with. And both have grown into nice young men and are productive members of society.

When the eldest got into a fight--his teachers knew both the boys, knew the situation and the only thing they were worried about was ds going to be able to play in that week's football game. They knew it was just jr. high drama and once it was over, it was over.

Boys this age fight or want to fight the same as girls get in all the drama and tears and "she said, she said" garbage. ITS NORMAL FOLKS.

A kid that knows to call home to get away from a situation that may cause him to go off on someone does not need anger managment. He WAS managing his anger.

I can't really believe that some of you seem to think that a 12 year old kid is not going to get angry. Just because a person gets angry does not mean they need anger managment (anger is a fairly normal emotion, you know), its how they handle it and it sounds like he handled it just fine.

I firmly believe in schools handling bully issues and staying alert to students who may bring weapons to school and such but as a whole, we all get too bent out of shape becaue some kid expresses that he is angry. That is the very thing you WANT them to do--express it in words.