My son's threatening to punch a classmate!

[Magpie]

In retrospect it was kind of amusing, but I don't need this kind of adrenaline rush every day.

Yesterday before lunch my 12yo son calls me from school asking to come home. I start digging to try to figure out what's up, whether it's illness or schoolwork or something else. I know from experience that he sometimes tries to duck school when he's scared about presenting in front of the class. Finally he blurts out, "I'm afraid if I stay I'm going to end up either screaming or punching someone in the face!"

"What? You had a fight with a classmate?" I ask.

"That's not the point!"

"How is coming home going to solve this? Won't you just have to face this kid again tomorrow?"

"Well, fine! I'll stay here!"

I was worried about the boy, so after he hung up I called the school back and asked to talk to the Resource Teacher (he knows my son reasonably well, having worked with him in the past).

As soon as I relayed our conversation to the RT, I got an immediate - and surprising - response.

"Oh no, he's on the edge! He's going to blow! I'd better get in there and pull him out class... Okay, wait... he's on the other side of the building. I'm going! Now!"

Wow. I mean, I appreciate the prompt reaction. And my son sure didn't mind getting pulled out of class to take a walk and chat about his angst. But... wow. It makes me wonder what kind of spectacular meltdowns they've seen in the past, that had a normally not-terribly-excitable man reacting like that.

In any case, the RT called back sounding relieved, to tell me that my son's "body language" was better after their walk and that everything was fine.

When my son got home last night I talked to him about the inadvisability of punching anyone in the face.

My son's response? "You only get in trouble for fighting if the teacher sees you. Believe me, I know!"



My 14yo daughter is mellow and easy-going, like I was. I don't have any frame of reference for this kind of drama. Sure, I've heard my husband's stories of his youth, but I always chalked it up to growing up in a small Northern town. I really would like to avoid bloody noses and concussions and such like. Any ideas?

(FWIW, he was mad at a totally DIFFERENT classmate by the time he got home, and had already "kinda forgiven" the one he was fighting with that morning.)

 

[MushyMushy]

Sorry, I'm not laughing AT you, I'm laughing WITH you. I got quite a few calls like that myself from my son back in the day. When he was your son's age, I actually pulled him out of school for a year and put him in cyber school to avoid all this drama. There's so much more to the story than that, but let's just say it was a good decision.

Boy drama! Don't you just love it?

 

[NikitaZee]

What did the other kids say (or do) that made your son so upset?

 

[golfgal]

Is he in counseling for his anger issues?

 

[ENSOCK]

My DS just punch then call! I dread the start of school every year and can not wait until summer! He is a junior this year so almost finished!

My youngest does not have the drama that my oldest has but he is not one that gets picked on. He is the type that instead of fighting he makes others laugh, class clown.

 

[Jennasis]

You should check into your schools policy on fights/violence. One swing could be all it takes for suspension/expulsion (it is in a few schhols around here). And then check into some kind of anger management program if this is a common thing. Other kids (even obnoxious mouthy ones who may need a punch) shouldn't have to be subjected to your son's "angst"/potentially violent outbursts.

At lest he recognized the problem and called you. that's a start.

 

[Magpie]

Sorry, I'm not laughing AT you, I'm laughing WITH you. I got quite a few calls like that myself from my son back in the day. When he was your son's age, I actually pulled him out of school for a year and put him in cyber school to avoid all this drama. There's so much more to the story than that, but let's just say it was a good decision.

Boy drama! Don't you just love it?

My son actually has a buddy who is being home schooled right now for this reason! But my son has stated would rather not stop going to school - that's where his best friend is, and on the whole he enjoys being around other boys. He was at a sleepover just last weekend.

What did the other kids say (or do) that made your son so upset?

Good question! He's not saying.

Is he in counseling for his anger issues?

Not for anger, no. In general, I wouldn't call him an angry kid. He doesn't blow up at me or anyone else in the family. He has friends over to the house frequently, and is mellow with them. He does get very stressed over school work, though, and he's got a learning disability. He'll be seeing someone for those issues next week, and I'll be sure to bring up his school drama.

My DS just punch then call! I dread the start of school every year and can not wait until summer! He is a junior this year so almost finished!

My youngest does not have the drama that my oldest has but he is not one that gets picked on. He is the type that instead of fighting he makes others laugh, class clown.

Thanks! I have to remember to tell my son that it was good he called! (I don't want to think about having years of this...)

You should check into your schools policy on fights/violence. One swing could be all it takes for suspension/expulsion (it is in a few schhols around here). And then check into some kind of anger management program if this is a common thing. Other kids (even obnoxious mouthy ones who may need a punch) shouldn't have to be subjected to your son's "angst"/potentially violent outbursts.

At lest he recognized the problem and called you. that's a start.

That's a real concern for me. Technically, fighting can result in suspension/expulsion, but it's rarely enforced. Like my son said - it has to happen under the teacher's nose, and even then, there's no guarantee anything will be done.

My son was punched by a bigger kid on the school bus a couple years ago, and was told there had to be three incidents before the school would step in. I worked with my son on sitting near the bus driver, and eventually the older kid must have hit his third strike because he stopped riding the bus.

Two years ago a kid got a concussion when he was tripped on the ice. That put my son in a real rage, because the boy who tripped him said it was an "accident" so the teachers opted not to do anything by way of discipline. I got to listen to my son cry all evening over the injustice - and over the fact that no one was willing to listen to his idea of roping off all the icy areas in the playground!

Last year my son smacked a classmate up the back of his head for messing with his computer. His teachers called me in, but that wasn't their real concern (actually the male teacher was laughing when he told me about it).

And this is a GOOD school! (Actually, it really is. The teachers are all very sweet and they mean well, and the curriculum isn't bad.)

 

[Jennasis]

My son actually has a buddy who is being home schooled right now for this reason! But my son has stated would rather not stop going to school - that's where his best friend is, and on the whole he enjoys being around other boys. He was at a sleepover just last weekend.



Good question! He's not saying.



Not for anger, no. In general, I wouldn't call him an angry kid. He doesn't blow up at me or anyone else in the family. He has friends over to the house frequently, and is mellow with them. He does get very stressed over school work, though, and he's got a learning disability. He'll be seeing someone for those issues next week, and I'll be sure to bring up his school drama.



Thanks! I have to remember to tell my son that it was good he called! (I don't want to think about having years of this...)



That's a real concern for me. Technically, fighting can result in suspension/expulsion, but it's rarely enforced. Like my son said - it has to happen under the teacher's nose, and even then, there's no guarantee anything will be done.

My son was punched by a bigger kid on the school bus a couple years ago, and was told there had to be three incidents before the school would step in. I worked with my son on sitting near the bus driver, and eventually the older kid must have hit his third strike because he stopped riding the bus.

Two years ago a kid got a concussion when he was tripped on the ice. That put my son in a real rage, because the boy who tripped him said it was an "accident" so the teachers opted not to do anything by way of discipline. I got to listen to my son cry all evening over the injustice - and over the fact that no one was willing to listen to his idea of roping off all the icy areas in the playground!

Last year my son smacked a classmate up the back of his head for messing with his computer. His teachers called me in, but that wasn't their real concern (actually the male teacher was laughing when he told me about it).

And this is a GOOD school! (Actually, it really is. The teachers are all very sweet and they mean well, and the curriculum isn't bad.)

Sweet googa mooga...I'd be pulling my kid out of that powder keg of a school and homeschooling or finding a new school! Staying in that environment is asking for trouble for your DS.

 

[Magpie]

Sweet googa mooga...I'd be pulling my kid out of that powder keg of a school and homeschooling or finding a new school! Staying in that environment is asking for trouble for your DS.

He was homeschooled for Grades 1 through 4, and I'd love to do it again, but it would make him very sad to be away from his friends. I don't think it would be fair to him.

Anyway, he's in Grade 8 - so if I can just get him through this year, he's off to high school. An entirely new environment!

 

[lovetoscrap]

In some schools punishment can come without even fighting. Some places will discipline just for making the threat to punch/harm someone. If he says it and someone overhears it and tells a teacher/admin it can be almost as bad. And I say this because that is how our district is. My very sweet and laid back daughter got mad at someone last year and made an offhand comment and we had to go in for a talk with principal. Fortunately her teacher and the principal know us and her and realized she really wouldn't do anything. The principal actually seemed like he was trying not to laugh when he was being very stern with her about not saying things like that. But just threats of violence could result in suspension or assignment to our alternate school according to the handbook.

Sounds like the Resource Teacher is a great resource. Make sure you son knows that is a place he can go when he is mad and needs to calm down (if it is okay with the teacher).

 

[ccgirl]

I might be flamed for this but....

I don't see any humor at all in this. Why would it be funny that your son would punch someone? Since the resource officer seems to know your son, it seems it has had "issues" in the past with his self control. Also, how was he allowed to call you during school hours?

I guess that school is much different than my DD's. She cannot call during the school day. Only call that comes home is from the school nurse or principal. Also, one swing at another child with witnesses (teacher or not) and the child would be expelled. Zero tolerance.

I am just having trouble finding the humor in this.

 

[dvcblt93]

(FWIW, he was mad at a totally DIFFERENT classmate by the time he got home, and had already "kinda forgiven" the one he was fighting with that morning.)

Your son had issues with two different kids in one day?

Sounds like your son needs some serious anger management counceling...

 

[Magpie]

I might be flamed for this but....

I don't see any humor at all in this. Why would it be funny that your son would punch someone? Since the resource officer seems to know your son, it seems it has had "issues" in the past with his self control. Also, how was he allowed to call you during school hours?

I guess that school is much different than my DD's. She cannot call during the school day. Only call that comes home is from the school nurse or principal. Also, one swing at another child with witnesses (teacher or not) and the child would be expelled. Zero tolerance.

I am just having trouble finding the humor in this.

I thought the "he's going to blow" comment was hilarious. It seemed like a very funny overstatement of the situation. But I fully acknowledge that my sense of humour isn't the same as everyone else's.

And I am honestly shocked that your daughter isn't allowed to call you from school. That's harsh. My son's Resource Teacher actually commended him for keeping hold of his temper and calling me, instead of blowing up.

School is a place your kids go for the day, to learn. It's not a prison. I can't imagine why children wouldn't be allowed to call their parents and talk to them, if they need to, and assuming they aren't abusing the privilege or using it as excuse to skip class.

I agree though, that it would be very nice if they enforced the no-fighting rule. It's hard to teach my son that he shouldn't do it, when he sees other kids getting away with it.

 

[Aneille]

I thought the "he's going to blow" comment was hilarious. It seemed like a very funny overstatement of the situation.

I would have found it funny too after the fact. So you are not alone in your humor. Especially since you said he is generally very mellow and laid back with his friends.

Sounds like he was just having a bad day and he did the right thing.

Adults vent all the time on here and with trusted friends and family members because they are angry or feel wronged.

As adults we are not trapped by the rules of the school. We can get angry at work, and most of the time we can take a coffee break, or take 15 minutes off to sit awhile until we cool off. A child doesn't have those same rights and they are still learning to deal with their emotions. Educators expect them to be in the next class on time with smile on their face, with no regard to what happened in the hallway that was missed by the adult.

So I think your son showed great maturity in realizing that he was very angry and needed a break and then took a positive step to help himself. Some kids his age wouldn't have done that.

 

[kwelch10377]

I might be flamed for this but....

I don't see any humor at all in this. Why would it be funny that your son would punch someone? Since the resource officer seems to know your son, it seems it has had "issues" in the past with his self control. Also, how was he allowed to call you during school hours?

I guess that school is much different than my DD's. She cannot call during the school day. Only call that comes home is from the school nurse or principal. Also, one swing at another child with witnesses (teacher or not) and the child would be expelled. Zero tolerance.

I am just having trouble finding the humor in this.

You also need to realize that the OP is from Canada and my guess is Canada's schools aren't as strict as the school's in the US.

There may not be humor in the situation itself but the way it was described was pretty funny.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

I might be flamed for this but....

I don't see any humor at all in this. Why would it be funny that your son would punch someone? Since the resource officer seems to know your son, it seems it has had "issues" in the past with his self control. Also, how was he allowed to call you during school hours?

I guess that school is much different than my DD's. She cannot call during the school day. Only call that comes home is from the school nurse or principal. Also, one swing at another child with witnesses (teacher or not) and the child would be expelled. Zero tolerance.

I am just having trouble finding the humor in this.

Wow! I'm surprised about this. I remember when I was in Middle School (granted this was 20 years ago), a boy walking out of his Homeroom, across the hall to another Homeroom class, and breaking the nose of a boy in that class. He then went into the hallway and waited for the teachers.

He ended up receiving about a week's worth of detention, a 2-day ISS, and that was it. Things resumed as normal.

I'm sure he had to do some sort of counseling, but instant expulsion was never on the cards.

 

[Hannathy]

I might be flamed for this but....

I don't see any humor at all in this. Why would it be funny that your son would punch someone? Since the resource officer seems to know your son, it seems it has had "issues" in the past with his self control. Also, how was he allowed to call you during school hours?

I guess that school is much different than my DD's. She cannot call during the school day. Only call that comes home is from the school nurse or principal. Also, one swing at another child with witnesses (teacher or not) and the child would be expelled. Zero tolerance.

I am just having trouble finding the humor in this.

I agree with you!

I find this very scary that you are taking it so lightly! what happens when he actually harms another child? Is it fair to the other kids?

If a teacher was that panicked over what my child was going to do that they had to run I would be very very worried and angry at my child.
I can't believe the school tolerates this. he would be getting a detention at the very least for threatening to punch someone.

I hope you do more than mention the "drama" to the counselor. I call not being able to control your anger to the point that teachers are aware you may hurt someone much more than drama. He needs to learn how to handle this before he get old enough that if he does punch someone it becomes a criminal charge.

I see nothing humorous at all.

 

[ccgirl]

Wow! I'm surprised about this. I remember when I was in Middle School (granted this was 20 years ago), a boy walking out of his Homeroom, across the hall to another Homeroom class, and breaking the nose of a boy in that class. He then went into the hallway and waited for the teachers.

He ended up receiving about a week's worth of detention, a 2-day ISS, and that was it. Things resumed as normal.

I'm sure he had to do some sort of counseling, but instant expulsion was never on the cards.

The bullying laws are very strict now. My DD goes to private school as well so maybe they are stricter? I know her handbook is much stricter than a friend of my DD's that is in public school. For example, no nail polish, no make up, etc...K-8. And it's enforced. I got a warning letter home sent home the 1st day of school because she had nail polish. Totally forgot since she was wearing it all summer. Second warning I would have to get to school to remove it. Third warning is detention. So, you can imagine how strict they are with violence. I know this level of strictness isn't for everyone. I guess that's why we have choices as to which schools to send our kids to.

 

[Magpie]

I agree with you!

I find this very scary that you are taking it so lightly! what happens when he actually harms another child? Is it fair to the other kids?

If a teacher was that panicked over what my child was going to do that they had to run I would be very very worried and angry at my child.
I can't believe the school tolerates this. he would be getting a detention at the very least for threatening to punch someone.

I hope you do more than mention the "drama" to the counselor. I call not being able to control your anger to the point that teachers are aware you may hurt someone much more than drama. He needs to learn how to handle this before he get old enough that if he does punch someone it becomes a criminal charge.

I see nothing humorous at all.

The Resource Teacher assured me that there was "no problem" when he called me back. "Nothing to worry about," he said.

So why on earth should I be angry at the boy, when he didn't actually punch anyone? He called and asked to come home, instead. That seems rather like "controlling his anger", imo. I have no interest in adding to the drama by punishing him.

I do worry though... Last year he was so stressed about school he started breaking out in hives over his homework. That's part of why the Resource Teacher's been keeping an eye on him, and why he'll be seeing this counselor.

And I'm still open to advice on preventing future fights!

 

[mickeywho?]

You also need to realize that the OP is from Canada and my guess is Canada's schools aren't as strict as the school's in the US.

Sorry - not a Canadian thing. If my son had acted this way - grade 8 here too - he would have been suspended for 3 days and more than likely would have a visit from a school board psychologist. That kind of over reaction and threat to punch someone should be taken a bit more seriously. Sorry OP - don't see the humour in this at all. I would be concerned if it were my son. And if my son was threatened by yours...wow...I would be in the principals office to ensure something was being done about it.
Regarding the phone call - no cell phones allowed during the school day and if he wants to call me from the office the teacher may allow it during recess unless it's an emergency. If he would give "wanting to punch someone" as an emergency...time would be spent in the principals office and the phone call would have come from the teacher/staff.