My son's 16yo friend wants us to help him find an apartment

[bumbershoot]

I know they didn't intend to hurt him. Mike told me that the father has had problems finding contract work due to the economy so the money thing could have set him off. Being the main man of the house is very important to him, he's an ultra alpha male and I can only imagine how it made him feel when the chair needed fixing.

Oh yes...I hope it didn't come out like I thought they meant to hurt him at all.

Sounds like the dad and the son are manly man types (with what you said about the sports), so they are both hurting right now with dad having work problems and the son having overheard that and needing the help.

 

[Robinrs]

Your son is in a terrible position and his friend really needs the help. I don't know what I would do. But there has to be a way to open the door for the parents to really "see" their son's changing world and for them to reinforce the things they do, they do for love.

Has the friend's demeanor changed? Those kind of feelings can be hard to hide.

He's usually VERY pleasant, but my son sees his ups and downs. I'm sure the parents see it as teenaged angst. They have an 18yo daughter who is a major drama queen so I doubt if they'd even notice his mood swings.

 

[mamajoan]

Robin, I am glad your son's friend is one of the guys... life as it should be.
Life in a w/c is tough for a teen ager... just being one iota different than the norm is tough for teens
imho a short conversation with his parents on their son's current emotions would be a good thing for all involved. Hopefully they can get some respite care, a round of counseling and some understanding all round.
I think all teens go thru some period where they want to "MOVE OUT" for one reason or another. He has lots to deal with, physically and emotionally, it is good he has people with which to talk it over.
I hope this young man will be able to go to college. There are many programs available at University level that will assist him in attending college away from his parents. I know lots and lots of w/c bound individuals some with lots of physical needs, that attended college, continuing to live great, full lives as adults.
I also hope that he and your son continue to have a close friendship. Nothing better in this world than having a friend you can count on all the time.

oh and btw... good job for caring about this kid. If I were his parents I would be glad another adult came to me to tell me about his emotional state.

 

[Robinrs]

Robin, I am glad your son's friend is one of the guys... life as it should be.
Life in a w/c is tough for a teen ager... just being one iota different than the norm is tough for teens
imho a short conversation with his parents on their son's current emotions would be a good thing for all involved. Hopefully they can get some respite care, a round of counseling and some understanding all round.
I think all teens go thru some period where they want to "MOVE OUT" for one reason or another. He has lots to deal with, physically and emotionally, it is good he has people with which to talk it over.
I hope this young man will be able to go to college. There are many programs available at University level that will assist him in attending college away from his parents. I know lots and lots of w/c bound individuals some with lots of physical needs, that attended college, continuing to live great, full lives as adults.
I also hope that he and your son continue to have a close friendship. Nothing better in this world than having a friend you can count on all the time.

oh and btw... good job for caring about this kid. If I were his parents I would be glad another adult came to me to tell me about his emotional state.

Thanks for your kind and wise words. I think I know what to do, what has to be done. I'm so glad I shared this with my DIS family.

thanks everyone! I will definitely update you on how this goes.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

I think the issue, no matter what, is the age. He's craving independence like any other 16yo, but unfortunately, his parents will always have to take care of him.

Actually, no, it is very possible for a young man with a physical disability, even one this severe, to go to college, have a career, live independently (with help of course, but hired help that is reports to him, not to his parents), etc . . . Is it easy to build that life -- no it's incredibly difficult, but if that's what he wants then that's what he should aim for, and his parents should be supporting him in that dream.

I think your first step should be to really sit down and talk with him, and either encourage him to talk to his parents, or to let you talk to them. I'm not sure I'd talk to them without his permission, except as a last resort. Even if he's not willing to admit what he heard, he can talk to them about his dreams for the future. Then, would I help him get an apartment? Now, at 16? No, unless there was severe abuse or something I'd never help a 16 year old with that. But 16 is not too early to help him start exploring the kinds of support he's going to need to achieve his dreams, including that dream of independence. Help him research things like SSI and other government programs to support individuals with disabilities. Help him get in contact with adults who are facing similar issues.

Help him figure out what he wants to do with his life, what kind of career would work for him, one that would use his mind not his body. Help him think about his talents and his passions, and then help him learn how to research college programs that would help him achieve those dreams, and contact the offices at those colleges that support students with disabilities.

He's lucky to have such good friends in you, just as I'm sure your son is lucky to have him as a friend.

 

[minkydog]

This poor kid! I'm sure it's not the first time he has thought he was a burden but to hear his parents actually say it had to be devastating. To give the parents some credit, though, I'm sure they would be horrified if they knew he heard them. You know, parents say a lot of things between themselves. Anyone who has raised a teenager has been irritated, angry and pushed over the edge at times. Multiply that for parents of kids who have disabilities. Our youngest son will need 24hr care for the rest of his life and let me tell you, it can be a burden. It's HARD to have someone dependent on your every day, all day, with no end in sight. I hate this kid had to overhear, but my heart goes out to the parents too. They've been doing for him a long time and they're just tired and stressed.

OP,if you know the family call them. Let them know their son is hurting so that they can get the proper counseling. THey need to clear the air. This boy is growing up and he needs to be independent as much as he can. Perhaps he needs a personal care assistant to take care of him and relieve some of the burden on his parents. We finally got one this year and it has made a world of difference to us. If you can't talk to them yourself, call the school counselor. This is an instance where you can't keep the secret. His parents need to know he's hurting so that they can repair the damage and move forward.

 

[minkydog]

We had a friend in college who was paraplegic. He lived in the dorm, had a personal care assistant, pushed himself to class and everywhere else. Back then the drinking age was 18 and we used to tie one on every Saturday night. It was hard for him to find a girl who really liked him for himself, rather than just as a novelty, but he was young and personable. I'm very sure he went on to find love.

Actually, no, it is very possible for a young man with a physical disability, even one this severe, to go to college, have a career, live independently (with help of course, but hired help that is reports to him, not to his parents), etc . . . Is it easy to build that life -- no it's incredibly difficult, but if that's what he wants then that's what he should aim for, and his parents should be supporting him in that dream.

I think your first step should be to really sit down and talk with him, and either encourage him to talk to his parents, or to let you talk to them. I'm not sure I'd talk to them without his permission, except as a last resort. Even if he's not willing to admit what he heard, he can talk to them about his dreams for the future. Then, would I help him get an apartment? Now, at 16? No, unless there was severe abuse or something I'd never help a 16 year old with that. But 16 is not too early to help him start exploring the kinds of support he's going to need to achieve his dreams, including that dream of independence. Help him research things like SSI and other government programs to support individuals with disabilities. Help him get in contact with adults who are facing similar issues.

Help him figure out what he wants to do with his life, what kind of career would work for him, one that would use his mind not his body. Help him think about his talents and his passions, and then help him learn how to research college programs that would help him achieve those dreams, and contact the offices at those colleges that support students with disabilities.

He's lucky to have such good friends in you, just as I'm sure your son is lucky to have him as a friend.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Robin,

You say you are friends of the family, as well?

I think you could be the person that has a talk with your DS's friend's mom & dad.

I feel so bad for any family in this situation. I hope this family can get some counselling.

to you & Michael for caring!

TC

 

[Disney Doll]

Sounds like his parents were just voicing normal frustrations at having a handicapped child and the child, being a dramatic teenager, is taking it too far, as dramativ teenagers are sometimes prone to do. I have friends who have a son with Downs...they love him dearly, he is a joy, but they are human and he is sometimes a "burden"...having watched them now for 13 years, I can understand their feelings and not think they are horrible people.

A quad is probably even more worrisome, especially f there are financial issues as well, since often the equipment and needs of a quad are are many and not cheap.

School counselor would be a good place to start...obviously you cannot help a 16 year old get his own apartment, so guide him to avail himself of the help that is around him.

 

[sunnyday123]

Thanks for your kind and wise words. I think I know what to do, what has to be done. I'm so glad I shared this with my DIS family.

thanks everyone! I will definitely update you on how this goes.

Hope it all goes well. What concerns me is that he is thinking of himself as a burden to his family. Please keep us updated on this!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

At 16, unless he is emancipated, he will not be getting an apartment on his own. How would he pay for it? And of course he would need an ADA compliant apartment and while complexes have them--they are hard to come by.

The boy needs counseling--not an apartment.

I have met several disabled folks in my school career at UF. One was fully confined to a motorized chair and had very limited motor capabilities. I never knew the nature of her disability other than it wasn't just being a parapalegic. But she was smart as a tack, became an RA, then an RD.

I'd offer advice on planning for his future and what he can do for now--but getting an apartment of his own is not it.

The part about him being a burden is disturbing--an some kind of intervention is necessary. Apartment hunting is not the right kind of intervention.

 

[MrsPete]

Obviously, as others have pointed out, an apartment is not a feasible option for a 16-year old. No one would lease to him, and where would he get the money anyway? Teens don't always think things through. I'd point these things out to him -- gently.

What I WOULD do for him: Offer to take him along with your son when you go to visit colleges. If transportation is a problem, perhaps you and his mom could team up to do a visit. That would let him see that he will -- fairly soon -- be out on his own.

I feel badly for both him and his parents. Since you said his family is a loving, kind group, it sounds like he just happened to overhear a bad moment -- something we all have -- in which his parents were just venting about the difficulties of life, but those things DO stick with a child, and they can blow them out of proportion in their minds.

 

[Robinrs]

At 16, unless he is emancipated, he will not be getting an apartment on his own. How would he pay for it? And of course he would need an ADA compliant apartment and while complexes have them--they are hard to come by.

The boy needs counseling--not an apartment.

I have met several disabled folks in my school career at UF. One was fully confined to a motorized chair and had very limited motor capabilities. I never knew the nature of her disability other than it wasn't just being a parapalegic. But she was smart as a tack, became an RA, then an RD.

I'd offer advice on planning for his future and what he can do for now--but getting an apartment of his own is not it.

The part about him being a burden is disturbing--an some kind of intervention is necessary. Apartment hunting is not the right kind of intervention.

Obviously, as others have pointed out, an apartment is not a feasible option for a 16-year old. No one would lease to him, and where would he get the money anyway? Teens don't always think things through. I'd point these things out to him -- gently.

What I WOULD do for him: Offer to take him along with your son when you go to visit colleges. If transportation is a problem, perhaps you and his mom could team up to do a visit. That would let him see that he will -- fairly soon -- be out on his own.

I feel badly for both him and his parents. Since you said his family is a loving, kind group, it sounds like he just happened to overhear a bad moment -- something we all have -- in which his parents were just venting about the difficulties of life, but those things DO stick with a child, and they can blow them out of proportion in their minds.

Honestly, the "apartment" is only the escape he thinks in his mind will save his parents in the long run. If he had not mentioned this to my son the lines of communication probably would've been delayed.

No, the apartment is NOT an option.

This cry for help is what we all needed to get him the counseling he needs AND to open up the lines of communication the family must accomplish.

Like a PP said, the family would be horrified to know that he overheard their conversation. This is the time to realize that he is not just the cute little kid who loves being a part of a process but a child growing into the man he sees his friends becoming.

 

[disneymarie]

...problem is (of many problems) he doesn't want his parents to know and he he is a quadriplegic in a motorized wheelchair.


He confided in my son that he's tired of being a burden on them.

I know if they knew he felt this way it would just break their hearts. I hope that he has misinterpreted their frustrations, but without communication they may never know how deep his feelings have become.

Thoughts?

Mark has to know that his request puts you in the middle of interferance of parental custody. I think what he needs is to talk to the school counselor. Marriages have a lot of strain when there is a disabled child, but the heart ache if they did not have him would be so unbearable.

It is Dad's issues, not Marks, and agencies are there to help Mark and his family. If Mark went to an apartment, how would he bath, make grocery runs etc.
Longistically he could not do it. But, one day he could find him self with out his parents as they age.. don't rush it. Find a list of supportive services for him. They can help with his chair repairs or replacement.
Could your family plan a bake sale and face painting etc for fundraiser for a new chair? Call and price one explaining the need.

Mark will meet a network of caring people and his family will have one less stress.
My prayers for them. I had a disabled child, when she unexpectly passed my life has been forever changed. What I wouldn't give to even have one of the most challanging days with her over again....

 

[Robinrs]

Obviously, as others have pointed out, an apartment is not a feasible option for a 16-year old. No one would lease to him, and where would he get the money anyway? Teens don't always think things through. I'd point these things out to him -- gently.

What I WOULD do for him: Offer to take him along with your son when you go to visit colleges. If transportation is a problem, perhaps you and his mom could team up to do a visit. That would let him see that he will -- fairly soon -- be out on his own.

I feel badly for both him and his parents. Since you said his family is a loving, kind group, it sounds like he just happened to overhear a bad moment -- something we all have -- in which his parents were just venting about the difficulties of life, but those things DO stick with a child, and they can blow them out of proportion in their minds.

Michael finds it hard to even mention college for him. He sees that as the separation he's been dreading. His sister's transition is bad enough.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Michael finds it hard to even mention college for him. He sees that as the separation he's been dreading. His sister's transition is bad enough.

I have gotten lost in the names--who is who again?

Are the parents having a hard time letting go?


It is rather unfortunate if they use his disability to hold him back. And very much not a good parent to do such a thing.

 

[golfgal]

Michael finds it hard to even mention college for him. He sees that as the separation he's been dreading. His sister's transition is bad enough.

There is a college in MN that is 100% handicapped accessible, it was build that way vs being retrofitted like most schools. Just something to file away for the future.

Is this family getting any county services/money for their son? In MN anyway, he would be receiving quite a bit of money for his wheelchair, medical treatments, disability money, etc. It could help if they aren't getting anything now.

 

[Robinrs]

Mark has to know that his request puts you in the middle of interferance of parental custody. I think what he needs is to talk to the school counselor. Marriages have a lot of strain when there is a disabled child, but the heart ache if they did not have him would be so unbearable.

It is Dad's issues, not Marks, and agencies are there to help Mark and his family. If Mark went to an apartment, how would he bath, make grocery runs etc.
Longistically he could not do it. But, one day he could find him self with out his parents as they age.. don't rush it. Find a list of supportive services for him. They can help with his chair repairs or replacement.
Could your family plan a bake sale and face painting etc for fundraiser for a new chair? Call and price one explaining the need.

Mark will meet a network of caring people and his family will have one less stress.
My prayers for them. I had a disabled child, when she unexpectly passed my life has been forever changed. What I wouldn't give to even have one of the most challanging days with her over again....

Hugs to you, I lost a child myself and I know the pain.

I have gotten lost in the names--who is who again?

Are the parents having a hard time letting go?


It is rather unfortunate if they use his disability to hold him back. And very much not a good parent to do such a thing.

Mark is not his name, I actually never said the boys name for obvious reasons.

His parents are not holding him back, in fact they allow him to do more than most able bodied kids do.It's amazing and wonderful, actually. I don't think it's the problem of letting go but adjusting to his age requirements. I think we all at one time with ourkids have to realize when they start becoming young men and women and not just children. I know its hard for me and my son doesn't have the physical limitations of his friend. I can only imagine what his parents are dealing with.