My son's 16yo friend wants us to help him find an apartment

[Robinrs]

...problem is (of many problems) he doesn't want his parents to know and he he is a quadriplegic in a motorized wheelchair.

Mike and he have been best buds since 6th grade. They're now in the 10th grade. We've been friends with his entire family, his Mom is a teacher in their school and the Dad takes the boys wherever they want to go in a special van. They are such a special, LOVING family.

Well, the other day the wheelchair had mechanical problems. The boy overhead his parents arguing about his care. He needs constant care because he cannot walk or use his hands on his own. His mind is sharp as a tack and he's amazingly smart, it's his body that has the disability. He heard the Dad say something (his interpretation, remember he's 16) about how tired he is of taking care of him, the cost of the care, etc. He said he keeps a punching bag that he uses to get rid of his frustrations.

Needless to say this hurt him terribly.

He confided in my son that he's tired of being a burden on them.

I know if they knew he felt this way it would just break their hearts. I hope that he has misinterpreted their frustrations, but without communication they may never know how deep his feelings have become.

Another issue is his sister. She's the homecoming queen, an honor student, an athlete, a SUPER achiever. She's about to go to college and I believe he's comparing his life to hers. He wants to be independent like her, he wants to have a love interest like she does.... the usual stuff. My son usually is the only one he tells this stuff to, he's always felt responsible for his buddy but he's too young to help him or to bear his burden.

My concern is should he bring the apartment thing to the Mom, who he sees everyday in school? I'm hoping he will get over this feeling soon but the idea that he thinks he is a burden,when I know they love him to death, should be discussed if nothing else.

Thoughts?

 

[worm761]

((HUGS)) to you. I would tell your son to tell the school counselor. That is where they boy should go. He needs someone to talk to. He is feeling like a burden and is probably realizing just how much it takes to care for him every day, that he won't have the freedom of a non-impaired individual, and that his parents won't ever be free of him. It has to be weighing very heavy on him to want to move out. Explain to him that he cannot move out on his own at 16 but that he may want to talk to the school counselor.

Are they in regular school or do they attend a school for special needs children? I am asking because a school specifically for special needs may have different resources than a regular public school.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

...problem is (of many problems) he doesn't want his parents to know and he he is a quadriplegic in a motorized wheelchair.

Mike and he have been best buds since 6th grade. They're now in the 10th grade. We've been friends with his entire family, his Mom is a teacher in their school and the Dad takes the boys wherever they want to go in a special van. They are such a special, LOVING family.

Well, the other day the wheelchair had mechanical problems. The boy overhead his parents arguing about his care. He needs constant care because he cannot walk or use his hands on his own. His mind is sharp as a tack and he's amazingly smart, it's his body that has the disability. He heard the Dad say something (his interpretation, remember he's 16) about how tired he is of taking care of him, the cost of the care, etc. He said he keeps a punching bag that he uses to get rid of his frustrations.

Needless to say this hurt him terribly.

He confided in my son that he's tired of being a burden on them.

I know if they knew he felt this way it would just break their hearts. I hope that he has misinterpreted their frustrations, but without communication they may never know how deep his feelings have become.

Another issue is his sister. She's the homecoming queen, an honor student, an athlete, a SUPER achiever. She's about to go to college and I believe he's comparing his life to hers. He wants to be independent like her, he wants to have a love interest like she does.... the usual stuff. My son usually is the only one he tells this stuff to, he's always felt responsible for his buddy but he's too young to help him or to bear his burden.

My concern is should he bring the apartment thing to the Mom, who he sees everyday in school? I'm hoping he will get over this feeling soon but the idea that he thinks he is a burden,when I know they love him to death, should be discussed if nothing else.

Thoughts?

He needs to learn how to communicate his frustrations with his parents as much as his parents need to be honest with him and communicate.

They sound like 2 peas in a pod, so to speak. He needs to break the tension, cycle, or whatever you want to call it and open up communication.

He also needs to be realistic as well. I am sure he understands that he takes a lot of care. His parents are only human and they make mistakes too. As parents most of us get frustrated with our kids from time to time, esp. teenagers in any form.

I would tell him to use this as a situation to bring up his own future & begin honest discusstions in that department. I am sure he is worrying about it as he sees his sister going off to college.

My dd is a freshman in college and certainly my 7th grade is looking to her own future because of it.

It is a stressful time.

 

[kathie859]

to a qualified professional who understands the frustrations of his particular disability. I'd be tempted to call his parents if I was close to the family; however, at the very least, I would contact the school counselor and report what happened and how he is feeling. He can't be the first child that has felt he was a burden on his family.

Uh...and no way would I help any 16 yr old find an apartment.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Oh gosh. That is just heartbreaking from beginning to end.

Could your son talk to his friend's mom and drop some heavy hints that she needs to talk to him? Sometimes a lot can be said between the lines. Maybe ask about how the repair of the wheel chair is going, or something along the lines of what he wouldn't/shouldn't know that was in the conversation between the parents. When the mom asks how he knows, he could just say, you need to talk to "Jessie", but leave me out of it.

He wouldn't be truly be "betraying" (for lack of a better word) his friendship, but he would be helping his friend get the help he needs.

I hope it can be resolved soon.

 

[happygirl]

What a tough postion to be in

He has to tell them how he feels. He couldn't get an apt anyway on his own he's not old enough. I belive you have to be atleast 18

 

[Robinrs]

I don't think he knows anything about an apartment, I think it's just a way of escape. What's funny is he told my son that he has $300 a month and he can pay rent with that... ... uh, NO you cannot, even if you could!

I like the idea of bringing this up to a counselor. The ones at his school are amazingly caring, and everyone knows and love this boy because of his wonderful attitude and his mother is one of the most popular teachers in the entire school. My son says she wears her angel wings wrapped under her clothing...

They do go a regular public school, one of the best in the city. He's never wanted to be treated differently, which is why he loves being in normal situations. My son and all of his friends are able bodied, also, and he doesn't want to be treated differently than any other child.

I think the issue, no matter what, is the age. He's craving independence like any other 16yo, but unfortunately, his parents will always have to take care of him. Kids that age are ready to cut the cord unfortunately,the aid he craved from his parents at 9 is starting to be a nuisance.

 

[Magic Mom]

I really think you need to talk to the parents. Sooner rather than later. I understand that he trusted you to not tell them, but sometimes with kids we have do what's best for them even if that means breaking a confidence. They can't get help for him or help for the family if they don't know what's going on. Maybe they are just too close to the situation and need a friend to point out what's happening. Good luck.

 

[honugirl]

I think the family really needs to sit down and evaluate things. I think some sort of respite care is in order here. It'll lift some of the burden off the parents and set him up to be more ready to move out into the world on his own. He can live independently (not at 16, but you know what I mean) with care givers. I would also assume that at 16, he may be wanting to separate from mom and dad doing everything, which could be playing into it as well. It might be embarrassing for him to have his mom and dad doing some of the daily duties that come with being a quad...

I also know how this young man feels in relation to watching everyone else around you grow, have a life and live your dreams. Like I said the other day, the worst part of being sick is waking up every morning and watching everyone else live your dreams. It sucks. It really does, especially when the people around you are "perfect" people. You end up with a huge case of the "what ifs". What if this never happened... what would my life be like? I'm dealing with a huge case of that right now and a broken heart, he could be feeling the same thing. I never feel like my life is going to be "normal". Who wants to marry someone who has to have the type of medical care I do? It's too much of a burden for anyone.

I think he should definitely seek a specialist trained in dealing with the emotional issues that come with have chronic issues.

Hugs. thanks for caring about him. Most people might shy away from it.

 

[bumbershoot]

He needs to learn how to communicate his frustrations with his parents as much as his parents need to be honest with him and communicate.

They sound like 2 peas in a pod, so to speak. He needs to break the tension, cycle, or whatever you want to call it and open up communication.

He also needs to be realistic as well. I am sure he understands that he takes a lot of care. His parents are only human and they make mistakes too. As parents most of us get frustrated with our kids from time to time, esp. teenagers in any form.

I agree with all of that.

I think that...raising any child has its burdensome times. Whether it's getting up 5 times in a night to take a tepid bath with a teething-fever kid (my guy liked to hit 104 while working on his canines), or getting thrown up on, or being worried that you're doing something that might not have the results you're hoping for...all of those things can feel really heavy. And to not talk about it, IMO, makes it harder.

For him, he's in the age where except for emotional stuff, the physical burdens should be just about gone. But with him, they aren't. And that must be so hard for them all.

It's really too bad his parents talked about it in an area where they could be overheard. I think parents need to be able to talk things through; otherwise the feelings just fester inside and can become ugly. But they didn't talk in a safe space, and so he gets an insight into something that had, and should have, been hidden from him. I feel so bad for him.

So yes, I hope he can find someone to help him realize that feeling burdened doesn't mean they don't love him, doesn't mean they would not willingly be burdened for him, because they love him, forever. (I think I got the wording of that right...if not, I think it's clear what I *mean*) I also think that he should talk about it with his parents, so that they can apologize AND find a safer place to talk in those tired exhausted moments where they have to unburden their hearts to each other.

I think the issue, no matter what, is the age. He's craving independence like any other 16yo, but unfortunately, his parents will always have to take care of him. Kids that age are ready to cut the cord unfortunately,the aid he craved from his parents at 9 is starting to be a nuisance.

What a good point. He must be so frustrated.


honugirl, those are good points too.

 

[Robinrs]

I think the family really needs to sit down and evaluate things. I think some sort of respite care is in order here. It'll lift some of the burden off the parents and set him up to be more ready to move out into the world on his own. He can live independently (not at 16, but you know what I mean) with care givers. I would also assume that at 16, he may be wanting to separate from mom and dad doing everything, which could be playing into it as well. It might be embarrassing for him to have his mom and dad doing some of the daily duties that come with being a quad...

I also know how this young man feels in relation to watching everyone else around you grow, have a life and live your dreams. Like I said the other day, the worst part of being sick is waking up every morning and watching everyone else live your dreams. It sucks. It really does, especially when the people around you are "perfect" people. You end up with a huge case of the "what ifs". What if this never happened... what would my life be like? I'm dealing with a huge case of that right now and a broken heart, he could be feeling the same thing. I never feel like my life is going to be "normal". Who wants to marry someone who has to have the type of medical care I do? It's too much of a burden for anyone.

I think he should definitely seek a specialist trained in dealing with the emotional issues that come with have chronic issues.

Hugs. thanks for caring about him. Most people might shy away from it.

Wow, thank you for your insight.

I can only imagine what's going thru his head, you have such a better view.

Thank you so much for your story, and God bless you.

Don't thank me, thank my kid. I've had teachers ask me about their relationship, my son has always treated him like "one of the guys". His mother told me when they went to high school it's "all he's ever wanted to be, one of the guys". Lots of people see their relationship as "strange", I see it as a blessing, for BOTH of them.

 

[Robinrs]

It's really too bad his parents talked about it in an area where they could be overheard. I think parents need to be able to talk things through; otherwise the feelings just fester inside and can become ugly. But they didn't talk in a safe space, and so he gets an insight into something that had, and should have, been hidden from him. I feel so bad for him.

So yes, I hope he can find someone to help him realize that feeling burdened doesn't mean they don't love him, doesn't mean they would not willingly be burdened for him, because they love him, forever. (I think I got the wording of that right...if not, I think it's clear what I *mean*) I also think that he should talk about it with his parents, so that they can apologize AND find a safer place to talk in those tired exhausted moments where they have to unburden their hearts to each other.

I know they didn't intend to hurt him. Mike told me that the father has had problems finding contract work due to the economy so the money thing could have set him off. Being the main man of the house is very important to him, he's an ultra alpha male and I can only imagine how it made him feel when the chair needed fixing.

 

[honugirl]

Wow, thank you for your insight.

I can only imagine what's going thru his head, you have such a better view.

Thank you so much for your story, and God bless you.

Don't thank me, thank my kid. I've had teachers ask me about their relationship, my son has always treated him like "one of the guys". His mother told me when they went to high school it's "all he's ever wanted to be, one of the guys". Lots of people see their relationship as "strange", I see it as a blessing, for BOTH of them.

You're welcome.

I have a unique insight into this because I am dealing with a rare chronic illness at a fairly young age (which of course hit when I was seemingly on top of the world with an incredibly bright future) and one of my best friend's is a quad, so I have the advantage of being able to see this from multiple angles.

Your kid is very much correct, he is just one of the guys. I don't see my wheelchair buddies as any different than you or I.

Does he have any upper body movement at all? If he does, he really needs to try quad rugby. It's totally awesome! I live in a small town and they needed extra players so I fill in when I'm feeling good. I think that could really help him, especially because it could be his thing to excel at.

 

[Robinrs]

You're welcome.

I have a unique insight into this because I am dealing with a rare chronic illness at a fairly young age (which of course hit when I was seemingly on top of the world with an incredibly bright future) and one of my best friend's is a quad, so I have the advantage of being able to see this from multiple angles.

Your kid is very much correct, he is just one of the guys. I don't see my wheelchair buddies as any different than you or I.

Does he have any upper body movement at all? If he does, he really needs to try quad rugby. It's totally awesome! I live in a small town and they needed extra players so I fill in when I'm feeling good. I think that could really help him, especially because it could be his thing to excel at.

Wow, I wish I could list the activities this kid is in! He does have upper body movement, he just has problems utilizing his hands. He swims, works at a swimming pool, plays golf, football and is in the choir and on the AV squad. Yep, he's ONE OF THE GUYS!

 

[honugirl]

Wow, I wish I could list the activities this kid is in! He does have upper body movement, he just has problems utilizing his hands. He swims, works at a swimming pool, plays golf, football and is in the choir and on the AV squad. Yep, he's ONE OF THE GUYS!

That's totally awesome!

 

[Robinrs]

That's totally awesome!

That can give you an idea of the kind of parents he has. They have given him NO limits as a child, it's just that they can't give him the things a young man needs. As parents this can be the time when they know they have to back away, but they can't.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

Unless he is an emancipated minor...don't.

He may be the most mature kid you've ever met, but in the eyes of the law he is a child.

 

[Robinrs]

Oh gosh. That is just heartbreaking from beginning to end.

Could your son talk to his friend's mom and drop some heavy hints that she needs to talk to him? Sometimes a lot can be said between the lines. Maybe ask about how the repair of the wheel chair is going, or something along the lines of what he wouldn't/shouldn't know that was in the conversation between the parents. When the mom asks how he knows, he could just say, you need to talk to "Jessie", but leave me out of it.

He wouldn't be truly be "betraying" (for lack of a better word) his friendship, but he would be helping his friend get the help he needs.

I hope it can be resolved soon.

He would but is afraid his friend would never talk to him again. That's why I think he's throwing this in my direction. Privacy is important to teenagers, but sometimes they need extra help because even though they may THINK they know it all, they don't.

 

[honugirl]

That can give you an idea of the kind of parents he has. They have given him NO limits as a child, it's just that they can't give him the things a young man needs. As parents this can be the time when they know they have to back away, but they can't.

That's the hardest part is to know when to back away and when to step in. I know it's hard for my parents to figure out when to step up and help and when to let me do it on my own. Not an easy place for either one of us.

They say that your spouse should never be your caregiver, they should just be your spouse because it can really put some awkwardness into the relationship, I think he's probably going through some of that now. I mean, he's 16... he probably don't really want his mom helping with his bowel program or giving him a shower...

 

[OceanAnnie]

He would but is afraid his friend would never talk to him again. That's why I think he's throwing this in my direction. Privacy is important to teenagers, but sometimes they need extra help because even though they may THINK they know it all, they don't.

Your son is in a terrible position and his friend really needs the help. I don't know what I would do. But there has to be a way to open the door for the parents to really "see" their son's changing world and for them to reinforce the things they do, they do for love.

Has the friend's demeanor changed? Those kind of feelings can be hard to hide.