My oldest son wants $500. for a computer. Need advice

[fireman17]

Now let me start from the begining. His mother took him and his sister from me 14 years ago she fled the state against a court order, anyway they are both back in touch and I was able to take them out a few weeks back.
Now I've told them if they need anything to call me. Yesterday my son who is 20, works and lives with his grandmother calls to tell me his computer has crashed and he would like to get another one but built to what he needs.
He tells me the cost is going to be $500.00 for it I told him my wife and I would discuss it seeing her and I always talk about anything to do with money.
My problem is, I do want to give him the money to help not just all at one time. My wife agrees with me and says I should just give hime a hundred a week until he has enough saved. She also said, and I believe her here if he gets angry about it he is only after money and I sould not offer any if he does get upset.
So, to my fellow Disneyer's, am I doing the right thing?

 

[NMAmy]

I guess it seems strange to me to give him $100 per week. I don't understand your reasoning.

If my adult stepdd told us she needed $500 for a computer (or really if she needed it for anything for that matter), as long as we had the money, we'd give it to her. However, she's extremely responsible. We'd do the same for my dd.

If you're concerned that the money is going to something you don't approve of, why not meet with your son and the two of you can order the computer together? That way, you'll know the money is going to buy what you intended to pay for.

I'm sorry if I've misinterpreted the situation. Sometimes it's hard to get a feel for a situation from a short post.

 

[aprilgail2]

I don't get the 100 a week thing....is it because that is all you can afford to give or are you just holding it back for some reason?? Just seems odd to me- if you have the money and want to help him then do it, don't make him get it in little dribbles each week.

 

[Ohiodislover]

I agree w/ giving him the $$. No sure if this is the case, but if you don't have the money all at once, can you finance it? When we ordered our computer we had 12 months to pay without finance charges.

Also order it together as MNamy suggested- That way you know the $$ is being used for what you intended.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Dear OP, If you and your DW can afford it, give him the money. You are trying to rebuild a relationship here. Please show that you have trust on your end. If it turns up he is not on the up and up, you will know it soon enough. JMHO.

TC

 

[MushyMushy]

If you're trying to build a relationship with a son who's already an adult, I don't think this is quite the way you want to do it. I agree with the others that if you have the money, give it to him. He might even mess up! And if he does? What will you do? The kid is your son no matter what his mother did all those years ago.

If the money is a hardship, then I still think I'd find another way than doling it out quite like that. Maybe you could compromise and have him work for some of it or something.

 

[Shmily1]

If I had the money, then I would say "come on over and we can order it". If I didn't have the money, then I would say that I would love to do it but I just don't have the money right now. I would certainly not be getting a loan for it.

 

[ajk912]

If you have the extra money, I would give it. If you don't, or it's a pinch, I don't think I would.

I kind of think it's rude of him to call you up and ask for $500 for a computer. Is a computer a "want" or a "need"? To me, a "need" is, gosh, they slashed my hours at work and I need $500 to pay rent. My brakes/tires/etc need replaced, and I can't get to work without $500.

Not, "I want a computer". That doesn't really fall under, "if you NEED anything, call me".

Also, unless he is doing a LOT to help support grandma (paying a good portion in rent, utilities, groceries, etc)- why can't he save the money on his own? I would totally understand if Grandma is super poor and he gives 60% of his check to grandma..then I get it, then I would be more apt to give him the $500. But most people I personally know that live with Grandma do it to SAVE money, but I don't want to imply that in your case!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Either give him the money or don't give him the money. Giving him a 100 bucks at a time is odd. I do not understand why you would do that?

If you don't have the money then tell him no, be honest right away.

I would go over to grandma's and see his old computer first and what is wrong with it before I did give him some money. I would do that with any kid I had no matter the circumstances.

Then I would be with him when he was ordering it if I could afford it. I would not hand over 500 cash to any of my kids and trust that they are doing the right thing.

 

[java]

Did you financially support him growing up? If not I think you're getting off cheap at $500.
I don't really understand the giving him only $100 at a time.

I am with everyone on this- If you have it to give = give it.
You said "If you need anything call me"
And he did.

 

[hentob]

Did you financially support him growing up? If not I think you're getting off cheap at $500.

Very good point.

 

[Loverly]

Why not order it with best buy-on a new store credit card and then you can pay it off at your pace?

 

[Mouse House Mama]

He's 20. He lives at Grandma's house. Does he have a job? I can't imagine asking my parents for money like that at 20 years old. Does he call you ever or only when he wants something? I don't know, too many questions here.

Would I help my child? Yes I would, but if they were being lazy and not working etc. then no I wouldn't.

 

[JimmyPicker]

There isn't really a lot of information to go on in your post. But I'm assuming you're wondering if the kid is going to take you for a ride. I guess my answer is that you won't know until you give him a chance.

Maybe the kid is in the same situation. He doesn't know if you're really going to be there for him until you're there when he needs you. If you turn him down, how will that affect your relationship with him?

The $100 a week thing is just a little odd (unless that's all you can afford to give him at a time - and if that's the case, explain that to your son and I'm sure he'll understand).

 

[AprilShowers]

At 20 years old, he should be able to come up with at LEAST half the money. I would offer him $250 and work with him a way to save the rest of it. If he gets angry or defensive, then my radar would be going off.

There's nothing wrong with helping your child, but don't let the guilt of being away from him lead you to make bad decisions. If he's using you, you'll know right away.

 

[chrisw127]

I'd give it to him. It shows good faith on your part that you trust him and want to repair the relationship. Even if I felt uncomfortable with it, I'd do it and worry about it later.

How limited was your contact all these years? Does he understand what happened?

 

[manning]

Strike one and you are out.

This time give him the money. If he doesn't get a computer you don't give him anything in the future.

My wife's nephew learned that. He borrowed 600.00 with the promise he would pay it back. After 15 years he came begging again. She told him when he pays back the 600 she would think about it. After 3 years we still haven't heard from him.

 

[vettechick99]

Now let me start from the begining. His mother took him and his sister from me 14 years ago she fled the state against a court order, anyway they are both back in touch and I was able to take them out a few weeks back.
Now I've told them if they need anything to call me. Yesterday my son who is 20, works and lives with his grandmother calls to tell me his computer has crashed and he would like to get another one but built to what he needs.
He tells me the cost is going to be $500.00 for it I told him my wife and I would discuss it seeing her and I always talk about anything to do with money.
My problem is, I do want to give him the money to help not just all at one time. My wife agrees with me and says I should just give hime a hundred a week until he has enough saved. She also said, and I believe her here if he gets angry about it he is only after money and I sould not offer any if he does get upset.
So, to my fellow Disneyer's, am I doing the right thing?

I don't get this. If he is a student, then all he needs is Vista plus Office. You don't need one built for that and you can order one from Best Buy. I got one for $400 last month and it's great.

If he wants one for gaming, that's a different story. That's a want, not need. I would offer him money for part and he can pay the rest.

I would be very careful how you proceed with this. He is obviously testing the waters. I mean it was only a few weeks ago that you said this. I have a feeling if you give him money now, he's going to see you as a bank.

GL with it all!