My Mother the Drama Queen (warning--rant_

[TheOtherVillainess]

So early this morning around 7:45ish, as we were laying in bed trying to sleep (despite the bright sunlight invading our room from the eastern facing window), the phone rings. It's not on the base next to the bed, so DH hits the speaker button. It's my grandmother. She wants our address and so DH puts her on hold while he goes to find the phone.

It turns out my grandmother wants our address because she is taking my mother OFF her life insurance policy and is putting us ON for a greater amount than before.Or something to that effect. She and Mom have gotten in another one of their fights because Mom didn't give her any of the Baycol settlement she recieved a few months ago. Now me personally, if I were my mother, I'd have sent my grandma some of the $$$ she won from the settlement because I know what kind of financial and health situation my grandmother is in. I also have learned not to tick Grandma off. If you tick her off, you are in deep doggie doo. You make her mad at you for some reason and you are cut out of her life forever. Period. I've seen her do it to two of my cousins (another long story, but they deserved it for their antics, trust me) and it seems like she's now doing it to my mother because my mother's made her angry. Mom called shortly after we got off the phone with Grandma and tried to make it seem like my grandmother was demanding money (instead of asking for it, which is what Grandma told us). Mom said she never intended for Grandma to know how much money she got (and I don't know either..she didn't tell me. All I know is that she got the settlement), and she thought that her secret would be safe with her older sister, my aunt Judy. Well, Mom should've known better. Aunt Judy told Grandma how much Mom got and Grandma, being in the financial place she is and with all her health problems, asked her for a portion of it. Mom decided that renovating her broken down tract home was more important and a better use of her money than giving it to her own mother who needs it badly because of her poor financial situation and extremely, extremely poor health.

I told Mom if they want to feud like the Hatfields and McCoys, go for it, but leave me out of it. Mom denied they were 'feuding' and I kept thinking "Well that's what it sounds like to me.". Mom said she wasn't going to talk to Grandma for awhile, which I thought was probably all for the best since they drive each other crazy as it is and this isn't making it any better.

When I talked to Mom shortly after Grandma hung up this morning, Mom tried to make it sound like she was the victim, that it was all Grandma's fault that they were fighting again. She is such a drama queen. It's like she's never happy unless she's in the middle of some fight, crying foul. Even DH knows this and tried to tell her so, though I don't think she listened to him any more than she listened to me.


TOV

 

[ScarlettO]

What is "the Baycol settlement"?

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

seems to me that the smart thing to do is to stay out of it.

but it seems to me that the money is your mother's, not your grandmother's, and your mother should decide how to spend it. spending it on refurbishing and renovating her home seems like an appropriate use of the money. you don't want your mother to become a burden to you in her old age, the way your grandmother has obviously become a burden to her children.

it would be lovely if your mother would share her new-found wealth with your grandmother, who is appparently in need, but your mother is not obligated to do so. and your grandmother is wrong to expect it, or to disinherit yur mother because of it.

and they're BOTH wrong to involve you in this little drama.

 

[TheOtherVillainess]

Scarlette--Baycol was a cholesterol drug my mother's doctor put her on because of her high cholesterol. Shortly after she was put on it, there was something wrong found about it and it was recalled from the market. I'm not sure what exactly the settlement engendered but you can read more about it here. I'm not even sure how much Mom got from the insurance people,TBH, since she never told me. Apparently, it was a significant amount.

Briar Rose--see that's it..my grandmother has tried NOT to be a burden to her kids, as she is extremely independant and fairly fiesty for a woman of nearly 90. She lives in her own home and (since I don't know all the intricacies of her finances) pays most of her own bills and what not herself. Or so I've been told. Whether or not that's true I don't really know.

And TBH, I really DO think my mother should've given Grandma some of the money, esp after all she's done for Mom. The tract house she lives in, while not a great home or in a fabbity fab fab neighborhood, was a WEDDING PRESENT from my grandmother when Mom and Dad moved to Texas. Also, from what Grandma has told me (and she's not big on lying), this is the first time she's EVER asked Mom for money. Ever. She didn't even ask Mom to help defray the costs of her son (mom's brother my uncle)'s funeral a few years ago when he died of cirrohis (among other things).

I hate to take sides and get involved in a family battle like this and I really am trying to stay out of it. I told Mom what I thought, how she should've given Grandma a portion of the money and I thnk that made her upset with me.

TOV

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Grandma is wrong to demand money from your mother.

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

a 90 year old woman who demands money from her daughter is hardly "not trying to be a burden."

your mother took the Baycol, your mother has to deal with the physical repercusioins, and your mother was the recipient of the setlement.

you know what, if it were my mother, and my mother had been that generous with me, I probably would have shared some of the money with her. but I would feel extremely resentful if my mother EXPECTED me to share the moeny and took offense if I did not.

like I said, two drama queens. seems to me you've already picked sides, but I suggest again -- stay away from that argument.

 

[CEDmom]

I don't blame you for being upset because you are being put in the middle. However, that settlement money does belong to your mother and she has every right to do with it as she pleases. She will just have to learn to live with the consequences of her decision. Your grandmother also has every right to designate anyone she pleases as her beneficiary. She will also just have to learn to live with the consequences of her decision. You can't force either one to do "the right thing" so just try to distance yourself as much as possible from the situation.

 

[TheOtherVillainess]

I don't know whether the money was asked for or demanded for. I can't decide who's being more honest with me, Grandma or Mom. I don't really want to get involved in this and I do my best to stay out of their little squabbles, which happen constantly. Mostly because they drive each other crazy.

But...I do know this one thing. Grandma is extremely Southern, which means she is HUGE and I mean HUUUUUGE on good manners. I'm thinking that according to her, good manners would dictate that my mother give her some of the $$$ because she is their mother and in the Old South, the children are supposed to take care of their parents, relatives, etc in their old age because of the sacrafices made to raise them. That's what I was taught growing up anyway and my mother MUST"VE learned it from Grandma.

I also am afraid I'm going to have to back Grandma on this because I don't want her getting angry with me for any reason. The insurance money has very little to do with it. I love my grandmother and my mom and I hate it when they get into arguments like this. But it's something I've come to expect from them, also, because they are constantly at it. I am always getting phone calls from one or the other complaining about what one of them has or hasn't done to/for/about the other and this and that. It gets wearisome, to be sure, but I realize that's just how my family is. Even DH has gotten used to it by now.

I also realize that my mother has to live with the side effects of what happened to her while she took the Baycol. But tbh, in my mind, that's just another thing for her use to her advantage to create more family drama. She does it all the time, using her illnesses (heart disease, high blood pressure, fibromyalgia, cancer...you name it she's probably had it I'm sure from what she tells us) to get sympathy. Now I was sympathetic to a point and I still am, but there is a REASON I live an hour or so away from her. I just got sick to death of being dragged into her little dramas all the time.

TOV

 

[Toby'sFriend]

Well using my own family as a guide, I can tell you it doesn't take much cash to make people start fighting. If your Mom got money in a settlement, that money is also meant to take care of future health problems she may have from taking the drug. She shouldn't be giving it away to other people.

As for your Grandmother -- how much life insurance can a 90yo woman have anyway? Most Term policies cancel around that age and if she has some sort of cash value policy with an investment built up, then she can just cash it in and use the money.


Tell them to leave you alone. Your having a baby in two weeks.

 

[Keli]

Originally posted by TheOtherVillainess


I hate to take sides and get involved in a family battle like this and I really am trying to stay out of it. I told Mom what I thought, how she should've given Grandma a portion of the money and I thnk that made her upset with me.

If you are truly trying to stay out of the situation then you don't tell either party your thoughts. As it is you have told them what you think (that your mom should have given your grandma money) and it's too late to 'stay out of it' completely. At this point I think all you can do is refuse to talk about the situation with either one of them and hope that it blows over soon.

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

a 90 year old woman is not going to be able to buy more coverage than she already has. you're right, TF, if grandma is in financial need, she should cash in the policy instead of using it a s threat to make her daughter fork over the cash.

TOV, your mother sounds like she's got a myriad of health problems and that she needs the money as badly as your grandmother does. the mistake she made is sharing information with the wrong person and setting this whole drama into motion.

 

[ScarlettO]

I agree with Toby. This money should be there to help with future problems. My SIL got a settlement from an auto wreck....she bought a houseful of furniture with the $$, but suffers still from the pain, and may need that $$ for therapy or meds .

 

[chager]

I agree that you need to just tell them that this tiff is between them and you are not going to discuss it any more with either of them.
I'm glad we aren't the only family with 2 people in compitition for the drama queen title!! In my family it is between my grandmother and my aunt(herDD). Actually i am caught rolling my eyes alot when it comes to both of them! I'm starting to consider writing a book about all the things that happen in my family. Or better yet a soap opera.

I do pray things calm down for you. There is nothing like a ticked off 90 yr old!!!

 

[CEDmom]

Originally posted by TheOtherVillainess
But...I do know this one thing. Grandma is extremely Southern, which means she is HUGE and I mean HUUUUUGE on good manners. I'm thinking that according to her, good manners would dictate that my mother give her some of the $$$ because she is their mother and in the Old South, the children are supposed to take care of their parents, relatives, etc in their old age because of the sacrafices made to raise them. That's what I was taught growing up anyway and my mother MUST"VE learned it from Grandma. TOV

Ok, I'm going to put aside my good manners for a moment and point out something. I don't care if you're from the South or the Moon it is not good manner to expect or demand money from someone. It may be part of someone's culture to expect children to care for their parents but that is not the same thing as good manners.

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

There is nothing like a ticked off 90 yr old!!!

how about a ticked off 90 year old trying to manipulate her pregnant granddaughter with promises of an inheritance?

 

[TheOtherVillainess]

As for your Grandmother -- how much life insurance can a 90yo woman have anyway?

TF, I really don't know, as I am not privy to the intracices of my grandmother's finances. I only know that she's told me about how much my two siblings and I (the listed beneficiaries) will get once the policy is cashed in upon her death.

I regret, well sort of, telling my mother what I think. I never actually TOLD Grandma I thought Mom should give her the $$$. I did tell Mom that I thought she should though, because my mother was being her usual unreasonable self. This isn't the first time I've gone head to head with my own mother over something like this.

Back in Jan, my mother with the help of my sister's friends, held a double baby shower for me and my sister. She didn't bother to tell me about it until a week before the shower which meant I wasn't even sure I'd be able to attend (as I have to give 2 wks notice for any requested time off at work). Luckily, I was off that day. Not only did she NOT tell me until just before the shower that it was even going to take place, but she didn't even bother to ask me if there was anyone I"d like to have attend (friends, or whatever). That was annoying, but typical of my mother who just expects you to drop what you're doing and show up to do whatever she asks, whenever she asks. I attended and was properly grateful for everything I recieved. One of the items I got was a stroller from my stepgrandmother (who I can't stand and my mother knows this, but she asked her to attend anyway even though I have not seen or spoken to this woman in nearly 3 years since my grandfather passed on). I accepted the stroller with much thanks, because I'm sure we'll need it. My mother has been upset with me ever since the shower because I wouldn't 'give' her the stroller to use when we let her babysit. First off, we aren't letting her babysit that often not because we don't love her but because she lives over an hour away and it's just not convienent. Second, she demanded that we give her the stroller as soon as my step grandmother was out of earshot because my sister only got a carseat and not a stroller. I think she wanted us to 'give' her the stroller because my sister (who is far worse off than we are at the moment) doesn't have one. We both told Mom essentially to bugger off about the stroller, she wasn't getting it.

She also doesn't know it yet, but I am predicting fireworks when she finds out we don't intend to baptize James as an infant. DH and I believe that baptism is far too large a commitment for parents to make for their child who doesn't even understand what that commitment means. We haven't told her yet because we don't want to deal with that particular mess right now. She's already crying about how we must be ruining our lives because we don't go to church.

Like I said, there is a REASON why DH and I moved over an hour away and screen our phone calls. I have been caught up in my mother's little dramas from the time I came home from the friggin hopsital and I am SICK of them for the most part.

Ya know....if my mother was an actress, she'd have a dozen Oscars by now for her wonderful dramatic performances.

how about a ticked off 90 year old trying to manipulate her pregnant granddaughter with promises of an inheritance?

I could care less about the money. Well..I think it would be nice because it would help pay off some bills but I know we really don't need this money..we'll survive without it. I would rather stay on my grandmother's good side even without the promise of money later than make her angry. If you make her angry, not only does she never speak to you again but she makes sure everybody else in the family does the same. Your name is never mentioned again without a "(he/she)'ll burn in hades for (offense)" added to it.

TOV

 

[HappyMommy2]

Good gracious!

I'm sorry you are dealing with this right now (though it does seem you're quite accustomed to dealing with it continually!).
I hope things will calm down. Fortunately I don't have any feuding/drama queen relatives, but I do have "friends" who are like that and it really gets sickening after a while. We moved recently and I have just pretty much cut ties with those friends; guess you can't really do that with your mom and grandmother but maybe you can use the new baby as a good excuse to stay far out of the fray for a while!

Be sure to let us know when your little one arrives!

 

[TheOtherVillainess]

HM2--I am used to dealing with it but sometimes it just gets to me, ya know? *huggies*

My mom has also told me she wants to come stay with us for a week after the baby is born. I think I could tolerate her for a few days..2 or 3 at most. I realize I'll need the help, but she'll drive me insane with her dramatics, critiquing me about how I feed him, change him, dress him.... She's already mad at me because I'm not leaving for maternity leave until March 29 (my last day at work is the 28th with a due date of April 1). She thinks I should be at home resting with my feet up eating bonbons and watching TV. If I stayed at home, I'd be bored stiff. Besides...we need the $$$. If she was willing to pay me to sit on my butt I'd do it, but since she's not...I'm going to continue working. My dr said it was ok to keep working until I felt like stopping and Mom really has NO leg to stand on right now. She admits herself to working up until 3 days before I was born (she quit work on a Fri, I was born the following Tues).

I also have this sneaky suspicion she wants to see how I measure up as a parent, which is why she wants to come stay with us (or at least that's part of her reasoning). She wants to see if I'll screw it up, or be a better or worse parent than my sister (who has a 2 1/2 mos old).

With my mother, you just can't win sometimes I think.

TOV

 

[ScarlettO]

Originally posted by TheOtherVillainess
TF, I really don't know, as I am not privy to the intracices of my grandmother's finances. I only know that she's told me about how much my two siblings and I (the listed beneficiaries) will get once the policy is cashed in upon her death.

But to keep a life insurance policy you make yearly payments...and according to at least the ones we have, once we reach 65 the payments are sky-high. I can't imagine what a 90 year old is paying yearly. I agree with what another poster said...cash it in. If your grandmother needs money, that's what she should do.

 

[Disney Doll]

Both Mom and Grandma sound manipulaitve. I have very little use for drama queens who always have to be the center of attention, and I have very little use for people who expect you to stay on their "good side" or they'll blackball you to the rest of the family.

The older I get, the less patience I have for antics from people, regardless of what their age or our relationship is.