My mother really just hurt me...

[Hercules10]

so, my brother is lovin' this cause he's coming off as the "good" child.

Sorry, but that's kinda petty on his part....

I will indeed be calling my mother tonight and having this out.

Don't start a fight over this and escalate the whole thing. Tell her your intentions and let her deal with it. Not worth it IMHO.

 

[disykat]

I don't think the money thing on gifts makes sense at all. The OP spends for each family the amount that is traditional within each family. It would not make sense for her to go out and spend $100 on gifts for her family when everyone else is following a $20 rule, or not exchanging - whatever their tradition is. I'm sure they'd be mad if she did that too. Her family certainly can't expect her to go to her inlaws with $20 gifts or no gift at all when everyone else is exchanging $100 gifts because of her own family's traditions. Her mom wants her not to have another family, but she's just going to have to deal.

The OP has said that she asked her mother weeks in advance what plans were, and that her mother said she didn't want to do a gift exchange. I say let your mom continue her fuss and just ignore her.

She's being totally unreasonable. I'd admit I'd be tempted to play it back. "Mom, I'm sorry to hear you're not feeling up to seeing us on the holidays. We were looking forward to it. I guess that means we'll have to be home alone or spend more time with dh's family."

 

[Wishing on a star]

Wow, sounds like the mother is the queen of the maternal guilt trip!!!

I agree with the OP.
And to read how the mother was an immature petulant brat, and got in the car and took of on her own young children over the Holiday years ago....

The OP is saying, when should we be there??? What are some gift ideas??? What are you serving, what can I bring to add to this???

I hardly see this as the OP saying, OK, when can you cook for me.

I travel to visit family as well. And, let me tell you, the idea that the person who is traveling on the Holiday be expect to bring a nice meal with them...

I am usually lucky to be able to make a couple pies way ahead of time.

This is not the OP being demanding.... This is just customary, whomever host the holiday should be the one to insure that there is food for all the family/guests. (NOT saying cook a ten course meal all by herself... Just make some basic plans and arrangements)

How the heck does the mother expect the OP and her family to spend the Holiday at her home, without making some kind of provisions for food. What, is everybody supposed to do, go hungry, or eat at McDonalds???

The OP is justified in being upset about this.

By saying that she is not planning on having any food, she has just effectively UNinvited her own DD.


PS:
How far one family usually goes on gifts has absolutely nothing to do with how far the other family does. It is unreasonable and demanding and immature to expect both sets of families to be exactly the same.

Note to the OP.... never mention details about your inlaws to your mother!!!

 

[FergieTCat]

My mom said something cruddy to me the other week. Something about how it's nice I'm dressing more sophisticated, not like the clothes I usually wear.

I once read that our parents know how to press our buttons because they are the ones who installed them.

 

[RadioNate]

Stinkerbelle are you my sister?

Your mom sounds just like mine! I totally get why you are annoyed.

Last year we went to my mom's for Christmas. We saw the inlaws in Sept 04 and again in Aug of 05. We saw my mom in May, June, Sept and Oct of 05.

This year my inlaws decide that they are coming here for Christmas. This is HUGE as they have never done this before. So my mom pitched a giant fit about how dare they ruin her holiday and she'll be darned if they are here and she isnt'...so she bought a plane ticket here for her and my grandmother. It's fine but no one, except my grandmother, seems to think that having houseguests who don't get along 12/14-1/4 is a little bit of an imposition.

My mom is jelous and makes everything about her hurt. ANd she can't calmly state that she would like to be part of anything. She does off the deep end and sends passive agressive 'poor me' email.

Confronting my mother just brings out the tears and then I have to comfort her and reassure her that I don't like 'them' better.

As for the $ issue. Our situation is the same way. So far I have spent $400 on my mother. Yes $400! She would be heartbroken if I didn't go all out on her gifts. My inlaws don't spend that much. I've spent $50 combined on them. I'm sure my mom will spend more than $400 on me alone and I would also be shocked if my inlaws spent more that $100 combined on DH, DS and I. That's just the way it works. Believe me I'd LOVE to spend less on my mother. But she'll whine that "that's all I get" when opening gifts and not hearing that is worth my $400.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Sorry your mom hurt you. She just wants you all to herself.

My advice would be to not share "in-law" info at all. That solves things on so many levels. I know you want to share but really she does not. That is hard to understand.

AAACK! The gift issue. That drives me bonkers. My sister has held us hostage over it for many years....grumble, grumble.
My advice? Parents always get a gift, same price. Problem solved.

 

[stinkerbelle]

ok - evidently the "perfect child" is to blame.

my mother just emailed me back "your brother told me NOT to cook a meal"

gee...thanks dear brother! heheh

ok...deep breaths...I think we're good here. think I'll go visit my mom tomorrow with a bottle of wine. hehehe...take her out to lunch or something.

ETA
that thing I said about when she "left us" on christmas morning...yeah, 100% true...and really, i hadn't thought about that in years until just now.

 

[Jenn Lynn]

Stinkerbelle-We do the exact same thing money/gift wise for DH's and my families.

In my family we are all spread out so we don't send gifts to the adults. My parents don't want us to. They just want a picture of the Grandkids. Fine with me! I just buy for my Niece and Nephew and my Sister for my kids.

In DH's family we all exchange gifts. We usually end up getting a big gift for FIL and one for MIL. Each sibling/family pitches in X amount and FIL/MIL contributes the rest. I don't talk about it with my Mom though. This year we got MIL a digital camera. No need for my Mom to know that.

I hope you and your Mom can settle this. My Mom feels left out a lot because they live in Idaho and I live in WI and my Sister in KY and my Brother in MO. We all live close to our spouses family so my Mom knows about the get togethers. Kind of hard to hide that.

Good luck with your conversation tonight.

 

[Pugsley]

I totally agree that you do not have to spend the same amount on everyone. I just don’t think it’s a good idea to discuss what you’re spending on his family with your family.

It really sounds like there’s a misunderstanding here. Stinkerbelle, you say in your OP that your mom said "i thought you weren't going to do gifts with us since you spend so much on your IL's...” Is there any reason for her to have gotten that idea? If that statement were true I can see how she’d be hurt, but if she’s really the one who didn’t want to exchange gifts, that statement was really unfair of her. Sounds like you may have unintentionally said something that hurt her feelings and she’s trying to punish you.

 

[disneymom3]

So, is this holiday behavior a pattern with your mom? Or are the leaving and then the stuff this year more isolated instances. If this is normal, I commend you for sticking with it and maintaining a relationship that seems to overall be balanced. Good luck!!

 

[agnes!]

FergieTCat -
Ohmigosh, that is SO funny... and so true! ROTFLAMO!!!

I was around family the past two weekends and sometimes it got difficult for me. My siblings are very accomplished, very successful(materially and also they are recognized as being successful by their peers and their communities) and I am the youngest. I'm a good person, do a lot of volunteering in the community(for instance, helping families locate people who went missing in the Katrina Diaspora this fall and being a Girl Scout Troop Leader one year). Right now, for a variety of reasons, I do not work much outside of home.
*I* am the one who compares my life circumstances to my siblings. I don't think that other people in the family see me the same way that I see myself when I am feeling blue...as a failure.
I think my mom would be surprised if I ever told her how much she can hurt me sometimes. She doesn't really mean to, it's just that I react ( on the inside) badly to what she says/does.

To the OP - Hugs to you. I'm sure that Jesus' birthday was never intended to become what is has become for many American families..."Stress"mas .

agnes!