My mother really just hurt me...

[stinkerbelle]

Unintentionally probably, but she hurt me.

I sent her an innocent email asking her what to get Dad for christmas...she emails me back this NOVEL saying "i thought you weren't going to do gifts with us since you spend so much on your IL's...we're going to your brother's for Christmas Eve...we might not do a meal at the house on Christmas Day unless your brother and his SO come over...I like it when your brother's friends comes over...I know your DH rather spend time with his family....it's probably his grandmothers last christmas, I understand"

wth?

Ok - yes, in truth it, sadly, might be DH's grandmother's last christmas. We went and saw her on Thanksgiving and, will most likely, see her again on Christmas Eve since my parents are busy. But, that doesn't mean I can't see MY family too!

And she's not going to cook a meal unless my brother and his boyfriend come over? What are me and DH? Chopped liver? I'm not saying we NEED a meal...but, just SAYING it like that really hurt.

I know she probably didn't mean to come off this way...but I kinda got the impression that she didn't even want to see me on Christmas day...and that really hurt. I emailed her back, calling her out for what she said.

Would you have spoken up about it?

 

[Tiggeroo]

i would send her back a nice em ail. Yes we've been spending extra time with dh's family because gmother is so sick I'm sorry if it upset you. But we were really looking forward to spending time with you at Christmas as well. Would you like us to bring a sandwich tray and some salad for Christmas? Something like that. LIfe's too short. People get cranky around the holidays and really hate sharing their kids. Just love your parents.

 

[SC Minnie]

Would you have spoken up about it?

Yes I probably would have.

 

[Skywalker]

Well, what she said did sound pretty harsh, but you know your mom - would she really have meant it that way?

Anyway, I commend you for "calling her out for what she said" - better ask instead of let it fester in my opinion. You've got guts! Too many would not say anything and then be wounded for years on end. LOL.

 

[mickeyboat]

People get all wacked out around the holidays! I am sorry your mom hurt you. It's good that you called her out. I hope you can talk about it and resolve it.

Denae

 

[stinkerbelle]

i would send her back a nice em ail. Yes we've been spending extra time with dh's family because gmother is so sick I'm sorry if it upset you. But we were really looking forward to spending time with you at Christmas as well. Would you like us to bring a sandwich tray and some salad for Christmas? Something like that. LIfe's too short. People get cranky around the holidays and really hate sharing their kids. Just love your parents.

I totally agree...but she's been such a PITA recently, that she kinda needed the law laid down. Last time I saw her, she was such a GRUMP that I couldnt' deal and cut our visit short. (mind you, we only live like 50 miles away)

There's no way for us to bring anythign with us, as we'll be coming from IL's house (boston area) to my parents house (2 hours away, springfield, MA area). I'd have them over to our house, but then we'd have to fly home christmas morning (2.5-3 hours) and start cooking.

Like I said, I emailed her...told her how I felt...how it hurt me to see her say those things...I didn't think i was being a baby about it.

and - funny - my brother used to get ALL bent out of shape when he lived at home and someone (ie - me) 'changed' the holiday visiting schedule.

*sigh*

 

[Castlebound]

There are times when it feels really good to be an only child! I'm always their best/worse kid so they just have to deal with me! If she were my mom I would say something about it because it would seem out of charactor for my mom. If it was DH's mom well it would be normal and DH gets to handle her while I paste a smile on my face and act like nothing's wrong. So I guess my answer is if she usually doesn't do the guilt trip thing I would ask what was up. If this is her normal way of acting when she doesn't get "her way" I would probably not say anything because, at least with my MIL, she wants the conflict and nothing good will come out of it.

 

[Hercules10]

Families and Holidays are a lethal combination. No way to enjoy the season when one or the other (or both sometimes) are putting the guilt trip on ya.

Good luck.

 

[Disney Ella]

Sounds like she's jealous of the time you spend with DH's family and is acting like spoiled baby. Well, if they're going to go to his parents' house and spend money on his parents,why should I even bother? Has she always been like this or is this something new?

 

[Disney1fan2002]

Sounds like she's jealous of the time you spend with DH's family and is acting like spoiled baby. Well, if they're going to go to his parents' house and spend money on his parents,why should I even bother? Has she always been like this or is this something new?

yes, I got that out of the mom's e-mail. I picked up on it right away with the "Oh, I thought you weren't going to buy is gifts this year, because you spend so much on your IL's."

Stinkerbelle, your mon is being a whiney brat. I hope you set her straight, and I am glad you told her you were hurt. I would of been also.

 

[stinkerbelle]

Sounds like she's jealous of the time you spend with DH's family and is acting like spoiled baby. Well, if they're going to go to his parents' house and spend money on his parents,why should I even bother? Has she always been like this or is this something new?

Honestly - DH and I see his family at the holiday (Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years day)...I had them down to my house on Easter, and we went up 2 or 3 times over the summer.

so...what...7 times this year?

I visit my parents at LEAST once a month...sometimes more. Sometimes mom and I will meet up at the mall mid-way between our houses and shop and have lunch.

Yes, DH and I *do* spend a bit more on gifts for his family...I dunno...you start off at the $100 mark for gifts, and it's kinda hard to "cut back"...ya know? But that's just material crap...I rather spend time with my family and a bottle of wine then deal wtih the "gift" aspect of christmas, you know? (and it was GOING to be that way until I found out she bought me some things already for Christmas...so I can't show up empty handed! I was raised better then that!)

sorry this is so long and complicated...families and holidays, eh? I can't WAIT until we have children...then I can put my foot down and say "no - we've driven EVERYWHERE for the past Christmases...you all come HERE!"

 

[MickeysMommy]

Oh, Stink, I'm sorry. I definitely would've called her out on the email. I mean if it's going to be your DH's grandmothers last Christmas, c'mon. I completely understand where you are coming from but I can only offer you "sista"!

 

[disneymom3]

I would have addressed the issue but I wonder if a big part of the problem is email. A couple of years ago my sisters and I all got into this huge tiff about some stuff having to do with my mom(she was quite sick at the time) It all happened over email (the thought being that since there are 7 of us, email would communicate to everyone at once) and at one point one of the sisters that I usually get along with perfectly sent what I perceived to be a really snotty comment my way. I emailed her back and basically said "Don't know what I did to make you mad, and I think we really are on the same page." Not 5 min after that the phone rang. It was sister calling to say she thought we both were lousy at expressing ourselves in email and she just wanted to talk to me.

So, my response is to call your mom and get this figured out more in person. I would have been upset as well, but maybe she didn't mean to come across that way. I also know my MIL really struggles with one of her DDs because every holiday she spends it with her ILs and MIL has to plan a get together for an alternate day if she wants to see that DD. She deals with it but I know that year after year if hurts her feelings. Maybe your mom is just feeling left out?

 

[stinkerbelle]

ahhh...ok...I just got a long email from my brother.

disneymom was right...My mother indeed feels "left out".

Basically she feels that I haven't made plans with her for christmas, so she's gonig to my brother's.
Yeah - I asked her 3 weeks before Thanksgivng what she was doing for Christmas...was she cooking Eve or Day...and my DH and I would be there. She changes every year...so DH and I will go see HIS parents on the other day. How can I make definte plans if she doesn't tell me? (his family all get together BOTH days, so it doesn't matter which we show up too really)

She's also upset that i went to his see his family for thanksgiving. Mind you, I was at MY parents house the last 2 thanksgivings, once without my DH. (yes - i know that's wrong). So I visited my parents BEFORE thanksgiving.

so, my brother is lovin' this cause he's coming off as the "good" child.

I will indeed be calling my mother tonight and having this out. she IS being a spoiled brat right now...or rather, she's twisting things around to make it seem like she's being hurt.

Dang...I remember a holiday where my mother was so fet up with everything not going her way that she left...she just got in her car and left. We found her 4 hours later in the parking lot of a park reading a book. I think i was 9 or 10 at the time.

*sigh*

 

[Mishetta]

The first thought that went through my mind was that your Mom was feeling left out. Whatever the case is, don't let this drag on. Sounds like you both got to sound off & now it should be over. Make plans to see your family too over the holidays. It's not fair to always be one-sided.

Now I'd like to add (to put some reality into this), my Mom passed away 2.5 years ago. This will be my third Christmas without her. I can't tell you the emptiness & pain I suffer because she's gone. There is no holiday spirit in my heart (altho I fake it for my kids' sake since they are small). I just hurt from the loss.

Life is too short. Appreciate each day you have your Mother, whether she's crabby or not.

 

[Pugsley]

I’m curious about how she knows how much money you spend on your husband’s family. Would she ask you something like that? Would you volunteer it? I just don’t see any good coming from that conversation. I know it’s petty and it shouldn’t be about the money, but I can see her being hurt if you told her you spend more money on your husband’s family than yours. Not that that justifies her e-mail, but it might make it a little easier to understand.

 

[phamton]

.My mother indeed feels "left out".
she's twisting things around to make it seem like she's being hurt.

Maybe she is indeed hurt and not twisting it around.

 

[FayeW]

Well I see things a little differently. Three weeks ago you basically said to your mother "What day are you planning on feeding me? I need to know so I can make plans to go to my IL's and bring them the expensive gifts I bought them." I am trying to fathom how it is ok with you to spend $100 (I assume per person) on your IL's and not buy gifts for your family. ESPECIALLY when your family apparently is aware of the practice, hence your mother's comments. No wonder your mother is feeling hurt!

BTW, unless you are leaving the price tags on everything, cutting back on the amount you spend on your IL's is relatively easy. Just shop the sales, and pick things up when you see a good deal.

 

[stinkerbelle]

I’m curious about how she knows how much money you spend on your husband’s family. Would she ask you something like that? Would you volunteer it? I just don’t see any good coming from that conversation. I know it’s petty and it shouldn’t be about the money, but I can see her being hurt if you told her you spend more money on your husband’s family than yours. Not that that justifies her e-mail, but it might make it a little easier to understand.

Each year, *my* family has cut back again and again with gifts. Never really 'cut back' with DH's family.

You're right, it's very petty, and it shouldn't be about the money. And it never has been with my mother.

I guess my brother thinks she thinks (heheh) that I'm "dropping tradition" by not wanting to exchange gifts - when it was my mother's idea in the first place and then changed her mind and bought me something.

omg...my head hurts just trying to lay this all out!!

 

[Keli]

A lot of times people equate the money spent on gifts to the amount of love felt for them. And there is some rational for that. We do tend to spend more money on people that are closer to us but not always. BTW, why aren't you spending the same amount on both sets of parents? And how did your mom find out you spend more on the inlaws? I understand that there are sometimes valid reasons to spend more money on one set of parents but I would keep that a complete secret so that I didn't hurt the other set of parent's feelings.
Your mom is reacting childishly to this though. She shouldn't be saying things to hurt you even if she is feeling hurt herself. That's how you deal with pain in kindergarden. I think you are right to let her know she's hurting you and have an open, honest discussion with her about the holidays.