My mother accused my husband of having an affair...

[Ember]

Yesterday, my DH went with one of my best friends on a short road trip to have her car certified. (Her license is from Saskatchewan, we're in Alberta, and she had to have it certified there. It's about a 2 1/2 hour drive each way.)

After, she came for dinner. As I was putting my mum into bed, she started going on about my DH and my friend and about how she thought they were having an affair. She brought it up again this morning.

Now, there is no truth to this accusation at all. Mum has been very confused lately. Her speech is slurred and she's very unsteady. I know it's the medications speaking and not her, but it still hurts. She's starting to turn away from the people that love her most and it breaks my heart. My DH was upset that she could think such a thing of him and I finally got mad and she apologized.

Poor DH was beside himself today saying I could check up on him, or look at his e-mail... I know this accusation hurt him, too.

Each day, there seems to something new that makes an impossible situation even harder...

 

[NikiM20]

Im sorry, I know it hurts you and your DH.

You said your mom is confused. Any possibility she could have seen a TV show with this on it, or known someone who did cheat on their wife? Maybe your DH reminds her of that person and she is confusing the two?

I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[Plannin'Shannon]

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

 

[NeverlandClub23]

I am so sorry you and your DH are having to go through all of this . Before my grandmother died she would talk to people that had died 30-40 years ago like they were in the room with us and she would get confused and think we were those people. It's such a hard thing to watch, especially when all you want is to remember them for how they were before they became that way. Good luck to you and try not to take it personally.

 

[Amy&Dan]

I am so sorry this happened.

My mom went through a time when she did some things like this. Once she accused my dh of stealing from her (he had gone over to help her and my stepdad by hauling away an old huge stereo system and she was convinced he had stolen it and some cd's). Another time she told me she thought my husband had a thing for a friend of mine (she had seen him chatting with her at one of my kids birthday parties).

Both times it was short lived and she forgot about the incidents in their entirety.

She was diagnosed with Alzheimers a short time later. And she was on a great deal of medication for her cancer so her mind was not right. And I knew all that but it hurt on many levels. Mostly at how she was changing, getting old and not herself anymore. I never even told dh about the incident she had seen with him and my friend. But he was really hurt she persisted on saying he had stolen from her.

I wish I could say it won't happen again, but if she has a conditon and or is on medication for a time, it probably will. If you have kids, you need to maybe warn them that grandma might at time say some weird things. Its so hard when our parents progress with their age and health issues.

 

[JessicaR]

Caregiver for another adult is the toughest job you'll ever do. I think its much worse when its your Mother. I take care of my MIL and her mental state is becoming worse.

They say hurtful things and have no idea why you are upset if they even notice at all. Its so hard to keep your thoughts clear. I know its hard but try not to get angry when she says foolish things. She really doesn't mean them and deep down you know that.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Please remember to take time for you.

 

[bumbershoot]

I liked how JessicaR said what she said.

 

[Amy&Dan]

I'll also add a voice to the hardness and pain of being a caregiver to an adult, your mom in particular.

I took care of my mom for seven years (she didn't live with me but she and my stepdad needed constant help and I was the logical one to give it). About two years into it, I joined a caregivers support group. It saved me and helped me realize that I was not alone. Everyone in my group pretty much had a loved one with Alzheimers or some sort of dementia.

Pretty much everyone there had similar stories of their elderly parents accusing them or their spouse or children of things. One woman had her mom call her once, she was hiding in a closet convinced someone had broken into her home to kill her. It was the cleaning woman she had known and used weekly for over 20 years. So sad.

Just hang in there and if this is some kind of condition you will deal with for some time, some sort of support group (or even if you just know a friend or two who has been through this sort of thing that you can talk to) is really helpful.

 

[lillygator]

I can't pretend to know what it's like to be a caregiver for a sick family member, but my thoughts aer with you and yours.

 

[Disney Doll]

It's hard when the illness/medications make our loved ones not themselves. Just keep telling yourself that it is the illness doing this...it is not your mother.

She starting to turn away from the people who love her most because she knows she must leave you. It's actually pretty common for the terminally ill to begin to turn "inward" as their illness progresses.

I remember my late DMIL, who used to be a spitfire, and in everybody's business, would just lie in her bed and smile, not say too much and watch TV all day. No matter what was going on in the house, no matter who came in and out, not too much reaction out of her.

. I know it's not easy....

 

[Briarmom]

 

[LuvOrlando]

No advice just a for you and your DH. The trouble with illness is it never gets easier nor does it reward us for our kindnesses.

 

[englishteacha]

Hugs to you, Ember. My grandmother didn't know who I was from the time I was 10 years old till when she passed away when I was 20. My father and my MIL both passed away from cancer and there were times they said things that they never would have said without pain medicine. DH's mom called me "the bimbo" under the influence of morphine, among other things.

Hug your DH extra, and let him know that you know he's loyal and wonderful.

 

[wenrob]

It's the meds, please try not to be hurt. My MIL had pancreatic cancer and they had her on such heavy meds that she was awake but dreaming as the doctor described it. She would say some crazy, crazy things. Keep telling yourself it's not personal and she doesn't mean it, it's not her talking when she says things like that. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

 

[minniecarousel]

Ember - I agree with the others and you know - it's the meds. It doesn't erase the words or the hurt feelings, though.

I hope you have Hospice involved? Do you have help - caregivers?

Hang in there.