My Mom thinks this is her last Christmas

[EllenFrasier]

My Mom is 85. She's had a rough year with lots of problems with her eye. She had cancer 4 years ago on her eye and had it operated on. Almost a year ago, in February 2010 she had her eyelid operated on. Since that time, she has been uncomfortable and going to lots of doctor appointments looking for relief. I think she is tired.
My one sister and her husband live with my Mom at her house. My sister walked into the living room the other day and found my mother sobbing. Not just teary eyed, but bawling. My sister asked her if her eye was in pain or what was wrong and my Mom told her that she thinks that this will be her last Christmas. She wishes that we could all be together this year because she doesn't think she will be here next year. She's never said that before. I know some old people use that as a line "I might not be here next year" to get family to do what they want, but my mother has never said that. It has scared me to the core.
Now as far as us all being together. We used to all get together at my Mom's. Then with kids growing up and getting married and then having their own kids, it got to be really hectic and almost too much for her. Even though we all pitched in, it was kind of chaotic. I didn't mind it. We accounted for 7 of those people (we have 5 kids) so I guess I am used to chaos. Now my kids are all older, the youngest two are 12.
So my sister that lives there started going to her daughter's house on Christmas. So she and her husband, her daughters and husbands and their four boys were not there. Then my other sister has a son with an ex-wife so his two children are not always there.
This year we have my Mom, my sister that does not live there, her son and his son and my family of seven. The only ones missing will be my other sister who lives there and her husband, her two daughters, a fiancee, and four great grandchildren. The grandchildren will come with their children to see my mother, just not on Christmas day. But it is not the same thing.
I was trying to talk to my sister who will be there about the menu. She mentioned that my mother had bought a turkey - she likes to make a big dinner. My sister that lives there will end up helping her with it, but she doesn't mind. I thought maybe we could do something simpler, but my mother won't hear of it. So I am going to try to convince her to at least have dinner a little earlier - my Mom sometimes goes to bed at 8.
I'm sitting her with tears running down my face thinking about this maybe being her last Christmas - isn't that dumb? Of course, one of these Christmas's will be her last, but God I'm not ready for this to be the one.

 

[DebbieB]

I'm sorry, I know that's hard to deal with. My mom had breast cancer for over 9 years before she passed in 2005. She would frequently make comments about not being here but after we had Christmas dinner in 2004, she said to me "you don't know how I feel knowing this was my last Christmas". I said "oh, you are always saying that". She said "no, I know". She was right, she passed the following September. I regret now that I dismissed her feelings. Make it as special as possible.

 

[bas71873]

It's not dumb. I believe she's telling you that for a reason. The planets aligned for us last year at Cmas I swear. My whole family on my mother's side were all together on Cmas Day and that hadn't happened in about 13 years. Grandma at 86 and down to my nephew at 1. I had about 25 people and 2 dogs for Cmas Day, it was choatic, loud and messy, but I am sooooooooooooo thankful it was that way. My granny passed away suddenly in May this year. It's sad to think it will be my first Cmas in 37 years NOT have grandma here, but I am happy to know that she had her WHOLE family together last year for her last Christmas. Leading up to her passing, she too kept telling my mom how tired she was. I think sometimes you just know.

Prayers & hugs to you & yours.

 

[abdmom]

When my grandmother was about that age, I started thinking about how it "might" be her last Christmas. I would make sure to spend extra time with her while my aunt was making dinner, my dad was watching whatever sports were on TV and my dh was looking after the kids. The next year, my aunt had passed away. No more spending Christmas with the cousins and my uncle, just my grandmother, dad, 2 sisters, dh and me. A few years after that, dad passed away, so it was grandmother, 1 sister, dh and me, and our kids -other sister had moved away. A few years after that, dh passed away, so it was grandmother and sister and the kids.

DGM passed away last year at age 102. She'd been blind for 30 years and she'd lost her mental faculties a year prior. She outlived both of her children, and a grandson-in-law.

My point is: You never know WHO will be there next Christmas. Make sure to appreciate each and everyone of your family members. Don't take for granted that anyone will be there next year.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...My point is: You never know WHO will be there next Christmas. Make sure to appreciate each and everyone of your family members. Don't take for granted that anyone will be there next year.

Live your entire life this way. It changes everything.

 

[abdmom]

Live your entire life this way. It changes everything.

Oh, yes definitely. I didn't mean just at Christmas.

 

[Nolcrest]

I just want to say that my heart breaks for you. My parents are 80 & 83 and very active but I dread the day we are no longer together. I can't even imagine how my life and the dynamics of the family will change. It's sounds like you have a loving family.

 

[JESW]

It's very hard, isn't it? My Dad is 90 and under hospice care (at home) with congestive heart failure and we know this will be his last Christmas. My Mom is 85 and is exhausted from it all. We will have Christmas Eve at their house per orders of my sister and we will bring the food but Mom will still get anxious about it all. I wish we were doing it Christmas DAY but that's not what sis wanted...(geez, it's not about YOU dearie...but that's another subject..)

I hope that you get to enjoy your day. It is true that none of us know when it will be our last. My Dad has outlived just about everybody in his age bracket in both families. Enjoy the time you have.

Jill

 

[Pea-n-Me]

My mother is that age, also. I think it's hard for people their age. They have lost many of their spouses, siblings, friends and neighbors. When they're out, they routinely hear more bad news. My mother reads the newspaper daily and I've noticed that many of the obituaries are for people around her age, and I imagine how hard that must be to see. Simply by laws of averages, they know they're not far away themselves.

We talk about this sometimes, and my mother always relates the story of a sermon she heard years ago. The priest said, "Take a look around. Some of us will not be here next year. And it may not necessarily be the oldest, or the sickest among us." (The message being to appreciate each day we're given because we never know what life will bring.)

At any rate, I hope it's just the blues and your mother gets to enjoy many more holiday seasons. We have been fortunate to have them this long, as hard as it is to think of them not being there any longer.

 

[manning]

My cousin said 83 yo was his last year. He is now 92.

 

[kimmar067]

... we are going through almost the same thing with my M-in-L....she just got rushed to the hospital AGAIN (for the 4th time in 7 weeks!) this morning.....

 

[jackemail]

I feel your sorrow. Mom is 81, in good physical condition----but has Alzheimer's. Each day brings more confusion, and she has absolutely no short term memory. This is most likely the last Christmas she can enjoy. She won't remember it, but will still understand how to participate and still recognizes most family members' faces.

I understand totally. I took her to Disney last month, and one afternoon she was out on the balcony so confused (blessedly, she only had a few periods of total confustion). I was inside crying and knowing that this was her last Disney trip.... at least, the last she could enjoy.

 

[shortbun]

We KNEW the year it was my Mom's last Christmas. We celebrated like we always did; all of us took a turn at doing the work though. Mom rested and pitched in when she could. We had champagne, great food, lots of fun opening presents and we talked about all the old family decorations. Now we've divided that stuff up and Christmas is still fun. I love seeing what my sister and brother have done with the family stuff. If your mom wants to celebrate as usual, I vote - do it. Get your head wrapped around having a joyous and traditional family Christmas.

 

[Owlpost23]

We lost my wonderful MIL this past April.She had been saying she was done a couple of years ago.Her children kept saying "come on,Mom,don't say that!".She would tell me the same and I would tell her that saying that to her children was very upsetting to them.My parents have been gone for a while.I knew my MIL meant it.When they're done,they're done.They know.

 

[Abbie]

I'm sorry OP, I know it hurts to hear that. My mom has been saying it for a number of years now....we just remind her she doesn't get to decide! But I know one of these times she will be right...

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I can join you. My sister has taken in her MIL who is dying of cancer. Now she is not on hospice, she is refusing it, but it will be her last Christmas. It is exhausting everyday and I am just doing little stuff and being an ear for my sister. There are many family complications that go along with this.

We are going to be very low key at my sister's on Christmas Eve. No gifts, just food and togetherness.

Hugs to all of you caregivers...