My in-laws have 0% respect...

[mykidsand_i]

When my husband told his mom that we were going on vacation in May- she was mad at him. "You shouldn't be wasting your money like that" she says. First of all, we've NEVER relied on them for ANYTHING. Not one time have we asked them for help with anything- money, our kids, NOTHING.

We save our money and don't spend it wastefully on other things, so we can afford to go on vacations. EVERYONE has their 'thing' that they enjoy and spend money on- some go hunting, some buy a new car, some have 'toys' like nice newer boats/atvs, some go to the spa regularly, some collect things, some party (which is expensive)...WE GO ON VACATIONS. we've never asked them for anything, my husband has a really good job and We are putting money each month into savings, vacation funds, our girls college funds and retirement plans- we've met with a financial advisor on more than one occasion. We are money smart people.

Well, that's not even what I'm the most upset about. My brother is in the air force and he lives close to me. He sleeps in a little twin size hard bed and appreciates coming to stay at my house when he can to sleep in a cozy bed. We have 4 bedrooms plus an office with a bed.. my parents, other brother and him were planning to come to my house for Easter. That's the only way we can all get together this spring. We spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with my husbands family...even though it wasn't RIGHT ON christmas because we were on vacation- we still celebrated C-mas with them- just over new years.

My husbands parents have invited themselves here for Easter. There is not enough room (or liquor) for everyone to stay at my house. Because when they come, they get mad at US if they don't EACH GET THEIR OWN ROOMS!!!! We have a queen size bed in every room we use for a guest room...yet they refuse to share a room (even though they sleep together at home)...They refuse to stay in a hotel, they actually told my husband last night that MY FAMILY should get a hotel room when they are here. EVEN THOUGH WE MADE ARRANGEMENTS in FEBRUARY FOR MY FAMILY TO COME!!!
My in-laws just invited themselves last night. My FIL and MIL said that "if we have to share a room there, we should get the master bedroom- since it has a king sized bed..." They don't even have a a king sized bed that they share!

My husband told them that if they were to come they'd have to stay in a hotel- They said that we should pay for at least 1/2 of their hotel bill "SINCE WE CAN AFFORD TO GO ON VACATIONS ALL THE TIME"...how pathetic can you get?
When they've invited themselves down- KNOWING THAT MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE!!!! it's their job to figure out and pay for the place to stay.

We will be seeing them this weekend- I don't think it's 'lack of time spent' with them that's making them do this.

My husband is more upset with his parents than I am. He's FUMING and his night was completely wrecked last night. I didn't say much about it, because i knew he was already mad.

WELL, on top of it- my parents are moving an hour from us once school gets out (my youngest brother graduates in May). My MIL has actually CALLED my mom and told her that 'This is not putting them in a fair situation' because we'll spend all the time with my parents and none with my in-laws is what she said. She started CRYING on the phone when she called my mom- and the conversation ended up with my MIL YELLING at my mom...INSECURE A BIT??? It's not my parents choice to move where they are moving- it's my dad's job. They are excited to be closer to us and to my brother in the air force, but they aren't moving here to 'bug my in-laws'.

Well, instead of crying or getting on the phone and chewing out my MIL and saying something i regret, I thought it would be better to talk about my frustration here. I know it got long, but when i write it down I feel a little better.
I know that others are in the same boat. I know that there are great MILS/FILS, I know that there are bad ones. The situation I am in right now stinks, we'll get through it and I'll put on a happy face as usual when I'm around them. I've never caused ripples with them. I try to treat them with the respect that they've never shown anyone- thinking that it'll catch on- so far it hasn't.

I feel bad for my husband. He sticks up for us a lot more than he should have to... his relationship with his mom is a 'come and go' one, she has three kids and one of them is ALWAYS on her 'bad side' ALWAYS. She's never known what 'unconditional love' is.

 

[Jennasis]

Hmmm...at this point I would just have DH tell his parents that this is not a good time to visit, and perhaps they could come the following weekend (or not!). I've gotten to the point in my life where I no longer tolerate those who try to invite or insinuate themselves into situations they weren't meant to be in.




We're having major in-law issues now. DH's mom has gone off the deep end and DH is sick of it. We used to see her once or twice a week. I think I've seen her once this month...for about an hour. It's been lovely.

 

[threecrazykids]

This sounds exactly like my MIL. Needless to say my husband has cut all communication with her due to all the crap she's put us through. However, we found that you can't argue or try to make amends with someone who does not WANT to be happy. No matter WHAT you do, she's going to find an issue with it or find some sort of reason to be upset.

IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE is the best way to proceed with her in my opinion. Just state the facts and let her save the drama for herself in the mirror. Do not show any emotions when you tell her something. Just state it...for example...when it comes to coming to your house...just state "our house is full, if you want to come you are more than welcome to, but you will have to find a hotel to stay in." Don't LET her get you all worked up in the "you love them more or care about them more" drama. Just say "sorry, we made arrangements with them first, and if the situation was reversed we would ask the same of them."

I know it's VERY hard to do but the more you don't let her get to you the less drama you will see in the long run. She will get the "they just don't care" attitude and realize no matter what she does it only hurts her relationship with her son in the long run.

 

[SundaeAfternoon]

EVERYONE has their 'thing' that they enjoy and spend money on- some go hunting, some buy a new car, some have 'toys' like nice newer boats/atvs, some go to the spa regularly, some collect things, some party (which is expensive)...WE GO ON VACATIONS. I don't believe his mom has the right to be telling us how to spend our money...

You hit the nail on the head with this. Everyone likes to spend their money on different things, and nobody has the right to tell you how they think you should spend your hard-earned money. Sorry you are dealing with such a difficult person. Sounds like she might be envious because she herself would like to take a vacation.

I had a former friend that was in financial trouble. She couldn't pay her credit card bills, but she'd go out to expensive dinners with friends and take frequent trips. I was telling her one day how I had a 4 discs at a time Netflix plan and she was like "OMG that is so expensive!! I wish I could do that, but I could NEVER afford it!" She said it in such a critical way. Um yeah you could afford it, but you choose to spend your money on other things! Not my problem!

 

[mykidsand_i]

yeah, he told them to stay in a hotel or they couldn't come. We'll see what they say about that. I'm sure my hubby will be the one she won't talk to now for a month or so until one of her other kids does something she doesn't like...then it'll be them she won't talk to for a month- she went for 2 years not talking to hubby's sister. What a waste. Life is too short to be stirring up fights with your kids constantly...

 

[Wishing on a star]

Riiiinnnngggg!!! Riiinnnnnng!!!!!

Inlaws: Hello

DH: Hi, it's me...

Inlaws: Hi, what's up?

DH: Hey, I am so sorry, you know that wife's family will be here over Easter... we simply can not invite you to visit at that time. We will be glad to plan a visit for any other time. We are looking forward to seeing you all again!

Inlaws: What do you mean... You're telling us not to come??? How can you do this... Yada... Yada... Major guilt trip...

DH: (AGAIN) Like I just said/explained - I am really very sorry, you know that wife's family will be here over Easter... we simply can not invite you to visit at that time. We will be glad to plan a visit for any other time!!!!

Repeat once more as necessary....

DH: Sorry, I've really got to run...

Let me know what other weekend that you can come visit.

BYE NOW!


Note: PEOPLE CAN ONLY GET AWAY WITH WHAT YOU LET THEM GET AWAY WITH. PEOPLE WILL TREAT YOU THE WAY YOU 'LET' THEM TREAT YOU.

 

[happygirl]

yeah, he told them to stay in a hotel or they couldn't come. We'll see what they say about that. I'm sure my hubby will be the one she won't talk to now for a month or so until one of her other kids does something she doesn't like...then it'll be them she won't talk to for a month- she went for 2 years not talking to hubby's sister. What a waste. Life is too short to be stirring up fights with your kids constantly...

They sounds like winners. My parents do the same thing about save your money never go anywhere type of people. SO we have just stopped telling them anything. LOL

 

[Nancyg56]

Wow! I would just let DH handle them, it sounds like he has had enough.

 

[Jennasis]

yeah, he told them to stay in a hotel or they couldn't come. We'll see what they say about that. I'm sure my hubby will be the one she won't talk to now for a month or so until one of her other kids does something she doesn't like...then it'll be them she won't talk to for a month- she went for 2 years not talking to hubby's sister. What a waste. Life is too short to be stirring up fights with your kids constantly...

And this would be a bad thing why??

 

[Wishing on a star]

PS: I wouldn't let them impose, hotel or not... No way would anyone invited themselves and impose like that.

Just wouldn't happen...

Why are you both giving them such power.

Why did they know about your families visit and even get so far to invite themselves???

It really sounds like you are enabling this.

Instead of taking clear action, you typed a post that went on and on and on, actually validating your inlaws like you were trying to defend yourself from their ridiculous attitudes and actions.

 

[Wishing on a star]

And this would be a bad thing why??

My thoughts exactly!!!!

I don't do passive aggressive, negative, controlling, toxic, behaviors...

 

[FireDancer]

I could understand if you were living paycheck to paycheck or 3 months behind on the mortgage but it seems an over-reaction. I know people who view trips anywhere as a waste, maybe they are like that. I love to travel and I do so as often as possible. I would rather take a trip somewhere then buy a new TV or set of golf clubs. I would rather buy experiences then things so that is what I do.

My great grandma died last year at 102 and when my great grandfather was alive they traveled everywhere. She used to tell us stories about their trips to Europe or driving out west. Not once did she tell us about the cool <insert anything here> she bought 50 years ago.

I've got nothing on the imposing thing. Some people I guess love to invite themselves places. If that is the kind of relationship you have great (I do with a friend who is moving to Germany for 2 years, yaay me), but everyone doesn't have quite the same open door policy other do.

 

[Wishing on a star]

They sounds like winners. My parents do the same thing about save your money never go anywhere type of people. SO we have just stopped telling them anything. LOL

EXACTLY!!!!

Knowledge is power...

Why are you giving them all this information and power????

Why do they know all about this Easter visit???

Why do they know all about your vacation plans???

Why do they have your mother's direct phone number???

 

[mykidsand_i]

Why did they know about your families visit and even get so far to invite themselves???

It really sounds like you are enabling this.

Instead of taking clear action, you typed a post that went on and on and on, actually validating your inlaws like you were trying to defend yourself from their ridiculous attitudes and actions.

My In Laws live in the same town as my parents, in fact they live 1 block away from eachother... and they 'talk' once and a while. That's the only reason why they knew. My DH never told them. Neither did I. I'm mad at my mom for telling them as much as she did. My mom is aware of it. I've spoken to her about it in the past. can't tell my in-laws anything, she should have known better.

They've NEVER invited themselves to our house before, this is actually a first.
The way i 'clear my head' and take action is by writing or talking about a situation. If you feel my post went on and on- why did you take the time to read it. It wasn't there for YOUR benifit, it was there so I could ramble about it and go on with my day and not be thinking about it and angry any more. I don't want to waste time being mad at them- it's not worth my time.

 

[eliza61]

And this would be a bad thing why??

My thoughts exactly!!!!

I don't do passive aggressive, negative, controlling, toxic, behaviors...

Aaa-men
Op don't be fooled this is not about vacations or visiting. This is about control and living your own life plain and simple.

Vent away on the boards and then very nicely tell them that Easter is not a good weekend. smile and repeat as often as necessary.

You cannot control their behaviour but you can control your response to it. Like wishing on a star said, I don't do toxic behavior. I too have relatives like that, thankfully not my inlaws or parents but the best response is to simply and forcefully say NO.

 

[NY Disney fan]

My experience with bad in-laws:
When the stuff hits the fan, the spouse usually sides with his family. Tread carefully.

 

[golfgal]

Well, if they show up, offer them the couch or a list to hotels. I don't know what else you can do I guess. Some people are just so dang set in their ways. The other option is for you and your family to go on vacation somewhere and make sure all the doors and windows are locked when your IL's show up at your house .

 

[mykidsand_i]

My experience with bad in-laws:
When the stuff hits the fan, the spouse usually sides with his family. Tread carefully.

I know exactly what you mean, my cousin goes through that on a monthly basis! In this case though, my husband is the one who's more upset at them then I actually am. He's the one that the 'stuff is hitting the fan' with. He's not putting up with 'getting walked on' by his mom anymore. In this case I've not said one thing to him about her. It was my idea to let them come and stay in a hotel. I thought that they would have been cooperative and just either said "no, we'll just come another weekend" or just plain "no, we won't come then." He would have just simply said no (which would have been better now when I look back, but hind sight is always better).

I'm quite proud of my husband and how he tells his mom what he thinks. I think we were just thrown off a bit when they invited themselves, cause they've never done that before.

 

[akcire]

My in-laws suck (none of them get along), and we all live in the same town. Dealing with them at holidays got so bad--and we had to "host" all the holidays. (My favorite was when they took a 8 lb standing rib roast home as a leftover---hello, we would have liked some for dinner for the week---since I paid $100 for the roast and cooked it!)

A couple of years ago we stopped cooking and started spending the night away--anywhere. We always invite them (they have the means to come) sometimes they come sometimes they don't; either way is fine with me. I can honestly say one of the nicest, calmest Thanksgiving we ever had was at the Great Wolf Lodge in Wi.

Before the go away plan my husband would randomly "kill-off" members of my family to get a break from them, and we would stay home and not answer our phone. This is much more civil, and easier to remember.

It is funny how now they will reminisce about how I would put on big lavish spreads--any time I hear that I always offer to provide all my recipes so they can host. That shuts them up quick! They were too lazy to cook at Christmas and couldn't agree on any food--so they ate a frozen pizza and a some drive-thru---now keep in mind these are 5 adults all of whom are able-bodied and can operate a stove. We missed out on that fabulous spread, we ate at the Liberty Tree Inn.

 

[TIAMOMMA]

You're lucky that your DH is taking up the battle with his mother, it would be 10x worse if he stood passively through all of this. It's a shame your IL's can be this way, I'm always amazed by the audacity of others...
Good luck...