My heart breaks for my daughter...

[N&B'smom]

That's such a shame, that girl is not a true friend and the boy is wishy/washy...she should just move on and find someone new!!!

 

[Toad_Passenger]

I love how so many people call the boy immature and a jerk in the same sentence.

These are 16 year olds. Boys are learning to deal with the same rush of hormones and new experiences as girls are. It's not a fun time for anyone. I don't think teenage boys are "jerks." They are trying to grow into themselves, and part of that is learning about feelings and how they intertwine into personal relationships.

I don't think I was a jerk as a teenage boy, but I can tell you that who I "liked" changed often during the 14-16 year old years. It was just part of noticing girls.

The same goes for the best friend. If she's never done anything in the past to purposely hurt the OP's DD, then I don't think we can instantly call her some selfish, hurtful, no-good, friend. She's trying to learn things, the same as all the other teenagers.

Again, this is nothing but teenage drama, it will happen many more times I'm sure, and I don't think the knee-jerk reaction of "drop the best friend" is something you want to do everytime...otherwise you may end up without any friends.

 

[N&B'smom]

I understand fully that these kids are young and still learning about themselves and such.....that being said.....good friends do NOT go for someone if their friend is interested in that person. They are off limits. Both knew it would hurt the OP's DD.

OP, my heart goes out to your DD!

 

[TwinsinCA]

I love how so many people call the boy immature and a jerk in the same sentence.

The two often go hand in hand.

16 is young but not so young that they should be devoid of any sense of loyalty, kindness, or empathy. And 16 is certainly old enough to know that this is not how you treat someone who you consider a friend (we've already established that you disagree).

People this age can hold down jobs, drive, and even get married. They are not little kids who can't be expected to know any better.

 

[momof1princess]

This is priceless! Tons of posts about what jerks teenage boys are, and I would agree that many of them are, as are many girls, but mention a hypothetical "someone's" weight, someone who actually doesn't exist, and the angst is on full display!

i suppose i AM sensitive to the subject, having dieted for years and finally having wls as a last resort. i am half the weight i used to be, but still classified as overweight, so i would be quite hurt (and so would my DD) if DD were dropped by a guy because his mom didn't like the way her mom looked. i realize this is a hypothetical example, i just found it personally to be very cruel.

and yes, teenage boys CAN be selfish jerks, and i pray the OP's daughter gets over what i know is a HUGE heartbreak for her very soon, and finds a guy who will treat her with the care and respect she deserves.

 

[DawnCt1]

I love how so many people call the boy immature and a jerk in the same sentence.

These are 16 year olds. Boys are learning to deal with the same rush of hormones and new experiences as girls are. It's not a fun time for anyone. I don't think teenage boys are "jerks." They are trying to grow into themselves, and part of that is learning about feelings and how they intertwine into personal relationships.

I don't think I was a jerk as a teenage boy, but I can tell you that who I "liked" changed often during the 14-16 year old years. It was just part of noticing girls.

The same goes for the best friend. If she's never done anything in the past to purposely hurt the OP's DD, then I don't think we can instantly call her some selfish, hurtful, no-good, friend. She's trying to learn things, the same as all the other teenagers.

Again, this is nothing but teenage drama, it will happen many more times I'm sure, and I don't think the knee-jerk reaction of "drop the best friend" is something you want to do everytime...otherwise you may end up without any friends.

You are so right. These kids are not chosing their "life partners". The reality check is, We can only hope that it will happen many more times so they can chose wisely when it eventually comes time to chose.

 

[DawnCt1]

i suppose i AM sensitive to the subject, having dieted for years and finally having wls as a last resort. i am half the weight i used to be, but still classified as overweight, so i would be quite hurt (and so would my DD) if DD were dropped by a guy because his mom didn't like the way her mom looked. i realize this is a hypothetical example, i just found it personally to be very cruel.

and yes, teenage boys CAN be selfish jerks, and i pray the OP's daughter gets over what i know is a HUGE heartbreak for her very soon, and finds a guy who will treat her with the care and respect she deserves.

I could have easily said to DS#2, "Sally is such a nice girl and her mom has red hair (and risk offending all red heads). I heard that it skips a generation". He has red hair. I love it. but its not a trait that he would like to perpetuate. It isn't what "his mom" likes or doesn't like. It what their preference are. I don't know why you would find it personally cruel because this is essentially an annonymous board with no windows into anyone's living rooms. Are guys meeting or looking for girls for the first time "shallow and superficial"? Sometimes they are.

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

I could have easily said to DS#2, "Sally is such a nice girl and her mom has red hair (and risk offending all red heads). I heard that it skips a generation". He has red hair. I love it. but its not a trait that he would like to perpetuate. It isn't what "his mom" likes or doesn't like. It what their preference are. I don't know why you would find it personally cruel because this is essentially an annonymous board with no windows into anyone's living rooms. Are guys meeting or looking for girls for the first time "shallow and superficial"? Sometimes they are.

But, you didn't choose the example about red hair. You chose an example related to "weight" because you were trying to include a joking insult in your example and telling someone they have red hair doesn't have the same punch as calling someone "huge". It doesn't take a genius to know that weight is a sensitive topic. You wouldn't have included something racist or sexist in a joking manner, but somehow despite all of our protected classes, "fat' jokes are still funny.

Sorry to interject OP, I think you handled it well. I am glad lunch with DD went well. I would NOT want to be a teenager again!

 

[PrincessBelle09]

I love how so many people call the boy immature and a jerk in the same sentence.

This made me lol pretty hard because I said just that and I was taking the words right out of my DH's mouth. By 16, any kid with sense should know not to do what he did. If he knows its wrong and does it anyway, he's definitely a jerk. If he seriously does not realize that it's wrong, he's immature. I do not really see a way around that. =)

 

[NHdisneylover]

I seem to be in the minority camp of not thinking the friend or boy did much wrong. I am sure your DD is hurt and i don't blame her. This is a hard age and these are hard years. But, I agree with someone else that you cannot have "dibs" on a person--unless you and that person have agreed to be in an actual relationship with one another (then you do not have "dibs" you are IN a relationship).
Okay so the boy was (maybe still is) interested in dating the OPs daughter. Seems he was/is also interested in the friend. Ops daughter likes the guy but it sounds like the friend does to. Why would one girl's like for the boy outweigh the other's? And why oh why oh why does every little encounter or "date" have to equal an exclusive relationship for teens? I really don't get that. I hated it when I was a teen and I went out with a guy to dinner or a movie and all of the sudden no one else wanted to go out with me because I was so and so's girlfriend. Geez I would have liked to go out here or there with a few different guys a few times and then see which one I felt the kind of connection to that might make me want to have a real relationship. Why do we pressure kids into this? I think it makes more sense for early dates to be simpler and not binding long term things.

 

[DawnCt1]

But, you didn't choose the example about red hair. You chose an example related to "weight" because you were trying to include a joking insult in your example and telling someone they have red hair doesn't have the same punch as calling someone "huge". It doesn't take a genius to know that weight is a sensitive topic. You wouldn't have included something racist or sexist in a joking manner, but somehow despite all of our protected classes, "fat' jokes are still funny.

Sorry to interject OP, I think you handled it well. I am glad lunch with DD went well. I would NOT want to be a teenager again!

Like it or not, most guys, teens, young men, etc cannot envision themselves married to someone who is very overweight. It would be a hot button issue for them as "weight" apparently is for you. You have no problem with others referring to these actual real teens as "jerks", "immature", betrayers", traitors" etc however but a "mythical mom" annoys you.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Like it or not, most guys, teens, young men, etc cannot envision themselves married to someone who is very overweight. It would be a hot button issue for them as "weight" apparently is for you.

Okay I've gotta ask: how do you know if "most guys" can envision themselves married to someone overweight? I admit thinness is admired in our society--but I have known many overweight girls to go on dates, end up in relationships and even get married so I am really not seeing where you are getting this from (and actually I think women are mush more critical of other women's looks--weight or otherwise--than men).

 

[DawnCt1]

Okay I've gotta ask: how do you know if "most guys" can envision themselves married to someone overweight? I admit thinness is admired in our society--but I have known many overweight girls to go on dates, end up in relationships and even get married so I am really not seeing where you are getting this from (and actually I think women are mush more critical of other women's looks--weight or otherwise--than men).

Actually one of my DSs has dated a girl who was overweight, so it doesn't include "all guys". She was not a girl that I liked for reasons that did not include her weight. Of course many overweight girls go on dates and get married. Wedding gowns come in all sizes. I would however suggest to you that their "ideal woman whom they haven't yet met" is a size 8 and not a size 18. Just like most women prefer a Brad Pitt type over a James Carville type. JMHO of course.

 

[Magic Mom]

High school boys are stoopid. They don't think before they act.
I was once dumped in front of a school assembly. 200 classmates to see me have my heart broken.

I can tell you high school girls aren't any better.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Actually one of my DSs has dated a girl who was overweight, so it doesn't include "all guys". She was not a girl that I liked for reasons that did not include her weight. Of course many overweight girls go on dates and get married. Wedding gowns come in all sizes. I would however suggest to you that their "ideal woman whom they haven't yet met" is a size 8 and not a size 18. Just like most women prefer a Brad Pitt type over a James Carville type. JMHO of course.

Okay--I can buy that most (not all) people's "ideal" dream/fantasy mate is not overweight. Fantasty mates aer pretty much always in the realm of fantasy though and I think most sane people do not expect to really marry a Brad Pit type (not that he is my type, but that is the example you gave) or whatever the female equivlant of that is I think having a fantasy of a "typicaly beautiful" partner is far cry from being ABLE to envision themselves with someone who is overweight--which is what you posted that most guys cannot do

 

[Northstar]

I seem to be in the minority camp of not thinking the friend or boy did much wrong. I am sure your DD is hurt and i don't blame her. This is a hard age and these are hard years. But, I agree with someone else that you cannot have "dibs" on a person--unless you and that person have agreed to be in an actual relationship with one another (then you do not have "dibs" you are IN a relationship).
Okay so the boy was (maybe still is) interested in dating the OPs daughter. Seems he was/is also interested in the friend. Ops daughter likes the guy but it sounds like the friend does to. Why would one girl's like for the boy outweigh the other's?:confused3 And why oh why oh why does every little encounter or "date" have to equal an exclusive relationship for teens? I really don't get that. I hated it when I was a teen and I went out with a guy to dinner or a movie and all of the sudden no one else wanted to go out with me because I was so and so's girlfriend. Geez I would have liked to go out here or there with a few different guys a few times and then see which one I felt the kind of connection to that might make me want to have a real relationship. Why do we pressure kids into this? I think it makes more sense for early dates to be simpler and not binding long term things.

So much good sense in this. I agree!

But I also agree that your job isn't to tell your DD to toughen up and stop being heartbroken (that's a message that doesn't get through to teens!) OP, I was so impressed when I read what you did... commiserated, didn't encourage your DD to sever relations with her friend, gave some we-women-together solidarity about the boneheadedness of guys we want to date... I'd be feeling a whole lot better and ready to go forth and face the world if I were your DD.

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

Like it or not, most guys, teens, young men, etc cannot envision themselves married to someone who is very overweight. It would be a hot button issue for them as "weight" apparently is for you. You have no problem with others referring to these actual real teens as "jerks", "immature", betrayers", traitors" etc however but a "mythical mom" annoys you.

I didn't refer to them that way, so I don't see how that has any bearing. Others discussed that point. Also, this is not about what a guy's "fantasy" is or is not, which very well might be a woman you consider "overweight". Your joke was inappropriate. Furthermore, please do not predict what my issues are.

Many men might have issues with a potential love interest having a physical deformity or a financial problem or a different religion. It still doesn't mean it is an appropriate topic for a joke.

I am sorry if you disagree, but I saw that others were offended by the "joke" and I wanted to explain to you why it sounded rude and inappropriate. If you disagree and think it is, that is your right, but at least now you know why so many people bolded and quoted that phrase.

 

[NHdisneylover]

So much good sense in this. I agree!

But I also agree that your job isn't to tell your DD to toughen up and stop being heartbroken (that's a message that doesn't get through to teens!) OP, I was so impressed when I read what you did... commiserated, didn't encourage your DD to sever relations with her friend, gave some we-women-together solidarity about the boneheadedness of guys we want to date... I'd be feeling a whole lot better and ready to go forth and face the world if I were your DD.

Oh thanks I should have said what you said to the OP which is OP that i think you are handling it well also by sympathizing with your DD without vilifying either the friend or the boy

 

[cats7494]

So much good sense in this. I agree!

But I also agree that your job isn't to tell your DD to toughen up and stop being heartbroken (that's a message that doesn't get through to teens!) OP, I was so impressed when I read what you did... commiserated, didn't encourage your DD to sever relations with her friend, gave some we-women-together solidarity about the boneheadedness of guys we want to date... I'd be feeling a whole lot better and ready to go forth and face the world if I were your DD.

Thank you so much! Thank you to everyone for your kind words and thoughts to my daughter.
The friend has apologized to DD and my daughter is working hard at letting this go. I just don't like that this has come between them.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I'm so sorry for your DD. That has to hurt.

My DS (just turned 17) has been spending a lot of time (alone) with his friend's girlfriend lately. She confided to him a couple of days ago that she and her boyfriend aren't getting along right now. I can tell she is attracted to my son and he is to her. It's a bad situation and I know someone is going to end up hurt.