My heart breaks for my daughter...

[cats7494]

I guess it is inevitable.... my teen daughter (16) just got her heart broken. What makes it so awful is that it was by her best friend!

My daughter liked a certain boy and he said he liked her as well - they were not "technically" dating yet. On Sunday, he told DD that he likes my DD's best friend.
Yesterday, DD's best friend and the boy began dating and were kissing each other in front of my DD.

DD is just so very hurt and to tell you the truth I am so angry at her friend! She knew how much DD liked the boy and in my opinion she betrayed my DD.

When I was growing up - you NEVER dated someone your friend liked or even their ex-boyfriends. Is that still the case?

Sigh...I know this happens and it is life - but it is still awful seeing my daughter in pain.

 

[Christine]

My daughter had a friend like this in middle and high school. The girl was actually very nice and we all liked her. She just had a need to be the center of attention. Her a my DD were best friends for a couple of years. The trouble started in the first few days of freshman year at high school. If a boy started liking my DD, and she liked him back, the best friend moved right in on the relationship. Now, it's very flattering to a 15/16 y/o guy to become the focus of intense "attention" by girls. My DD's friend was very outspoken, more domineering, and full of "feminine whiles (sp??)." My DD didn't really stand a chance.

Her and her friend never had a knock-down/drag out, my DD just slowly pulled a way from the girl and she ended up being baffled as to what happened. Besides the boy stuff, she started to get jealous of friends my daughter made outside of her--even though this girl could have as many as she wanted. It was just weird. And sad.

 

[NeverlandClub23]

When I was 16 I was head over heels for a boy I played soccer with (on a co-ed rec team). We had a lot of classes together in school, we rode to practices/games together, we hung out for hours before and after school/practices/games, and I think the entire school knew how in love with him I was . We were never "boyfriend/girlfriend" but this went on for a couple of months. The day before spring break he kissed me and told me he was going on vacation with his family for the next week but he wanted me to think about if I wanted to be his girlfriend. I was over the moon! Every day I couldn't wait to go by so that I could see him again and tell him my answer (this was in the days of the pager, pre-cell phone popularity so no one could just call if you weren't at your house).

Monday came and my heart was racing as I waited at his locker. He walked up, hand in hand with my best friend and proceeded to make out up against the lockers. I will never forget the feeling of my heart hitting my feet.

I feel for your DD. Yes, girls and boys do this to each other. It is a life lesson (a hard and painful one to learn) and as a girl who STILL continues to fall for the worst guys (but at least I don't marry them! ) I hope she has better luck!

 

[DawnCt1]

I guess it is inevitable.... my teen daughter (16) just got her heart broken. What makes it so awful is that it was by her best friend!

My daughter liked a certain boy and he said he liked her as well - they were not "technically" dating yet. On Sunday, he told DD that he likes my DD's best friend.
Yesterday, DD's best friend and the boy began dating and were kissing each other in front of my DD.

DD is just so very hurt and to tell you the truth I am so angry at her friend! She knew how much DD liked the boy and in my opinion she betrayed my DD.

When I was growing up - you NEVER dated someone your friend liked or even their ex-boyfriends. Is that still the case?

Sigh...I know this happens and it is life - but it is still awful seeing my daughter in pain.

I know you love your DD and don't want her hurt, but please, be careful with that. One of my friends would get so involved in her DDs "love life" that eventually it became more important than her "school life". The girl was sexually active way too early (16) , left for college and came back because she missed another boyfriend, went again and came back. Blamed it on DD's girlfriend "who betrayed her". She is going to community college now, when I ask her mom how she is doing, the first thing she mentions is DD's new boyfriend, what they do, where they go, etc.
I have four DSs and they go through these lost romances too. They have had girlfriends that I have absolutely loved and girlfriends that I felt that they could certainly do without but its a learning process. You learn not to get "attached" to the one's you like, and not to "dis" the one's you don't. If they ask for an opinion, find something nice to say, even for the one's you can't stand. For example, "Sally is a very lovely girl but I saw her mother and she is HUGE, but if she is lucky she's adopted". (Just kidding of course but there ar subtle ways to encourage your children to look in another direction and roll with these kind of punches. My favorite saying? "Never Go back, just move foreward".

 

[luvmy3]

My dd hasn't reached that stage yet but I just wanted to say I'm sorry your dd got her first heartbreak and her first BFF betrayal all in one

 

[Darsa]

Guh, I remember exactly how THAT feels! I had a "friend" in high school who was MUCH prettier than me (and knew it, sigh), and whenever I showed interest in any guy she would be RIGHT there, ALL over him, and would inevitably date him briefly before dumping him for someone else. And I'm FORTY now and remember that stuff! I chalk it up to a learning experience. Now I'm married to my best friend, the greatest guy in the world, and am glad that I got to him before she knew about it

 

[MnMomtoboys]

The worst thing you could do is say something bad about your dd's friend. In fact don't say anything bad about anyone. It will come back to haunt you. Just be there for your dd, as painful as this is it is part of growing up.

 

[TwinsinCA]

I'm so sorry for your daughter. And I understand why you are mad too.

I know she won't see it now, but she is better off without both of them. They are both selfish and cruel. They HAD to know how much this would hurt her.

Hopefully school is almost out and she will not have their relationship rubbed in her face for much longer. With any luck it will fizzle by fall and someday may karma bite them both in the behind. Hard.

I really hope your daughter does not let this girl back into her circle of friends. If she could do this once she could do it again when the stakes are much higher.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

I'm so sorry for your daughter. And I understand why you are mad too.

I know she won't see it now, but she is better off without both of them. They are both selfish and cruel. They HAD to know how much this would hurt her.

Hopefully school is almost out and she will not have their relationship rubbed in her face for much longer. With any luck it will fizzle by fall and someday may karma bite them both in the behind. Hard.

I really hope your daughter does not let this girl back into her circle of friends. If she could do this once she could do it again when the stakes are much higher.

Hey now, I wouldn't go that far. Maybe girls are different than guys, but I ended up dating the girl my best friend had been chasing for years (even took her to the prom!). I don't consider myself cruel or selfish. Feelings are feelings KWIM?

Anyway he was fine with it, and I ended up dating the girl for 3 years. Today, 15 years later? I couldn't even tell you where she lives, but my best friend and his wife live 1 block away, and we see each other several times a week.

Please let your DD know that at this age, the "romance" will end. Boys (girls in my case) will come and go, but finding a way to hold onto those best friends is VERY important! Make sure she doesn't react in a way she may regret later, especially if this is a friend she's been close to for a long time.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

If the friend knew of your DD's feelings, it is a betrayal, pure and simple. As long as your DD recognizes it as such, let it go. She doesn't need anyone else reminding her of the betrayal. However, if she is just blaming the boy, you might want to help her with her reasoning. Since they weren't dating, the boy did nothing wrong.

 

[TwinsinCA]

Hey now, I wouldn't go that far. Maybe girls are different than guys, but I ended up dating the girl my best friend had been chasing for years (even took her to the prom!). I don't consider myself cruel or selfish. Feelings are feelings KWIM?

That is often the justification for affairs too.

What you did to your friend was horrible. Period.

If he was really "fine with it" he either never liked her much or was lying to you.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

That is often the justification for affairs too.

What you did to your friend was horrible. Period.

Wow! Look ma' I'm being judged on the internet. Guess I'll have to tell all my friends to no longer hang out with me because I'm "horrible."

Anyway. When it happened, I went by myself to his house and told him in person, and made sure he was okay with it. I didn't want him to find out in any sort of awkward way, but I also wanted him to know that the feelings we had were genuine.

He was 100% okay with it, and was glad I spoke to him about it. Interestingly enough, about 2 months later he met the girl who would become his wife! And, as I said, he's been my best friend now for 20 years.

 

[Mermaid02]

The romance with the boy will wear itself out and the girls will be friends again- they will both hate "The Boy". Wait and see.

 

[PrincessBelle09]

Just let your DD know that her "friend" is not really her friend and neither is the boy. All you can really do is make sure she knows that you're in her corner and are willing to listen or be her shoulder to cry on. I know it must suck and you probably want to go knock out both offenders, but your DD definitely needs to handle the situation on her own.

By the way, if it is any solace, there was a boy that I had had a crush on since I was eight. He and I went out for a week at the end of middle school. He then broke up with me over instant messenger. Then, we dated in high school for two months before his psychotic supposed best friend told him that she was in love with him. He had liked her and wasn't sure what to do, so I told him he had to choose right then and there and if he couldn't, we were over. Let's just say he was very indecisive and I don't put up with ****. =p

We started dating again at the end of his freshman year of college and my senior year of high school. We were both finally in the right place at the right time. In nineteen days, we will celebrate our second wedding anniversary.

My point is, teenage boys are generally insensitive, self-centered jerks who have no idea what they want. This is probably not the last time your DD will get her heart absolutely crushed, but even the worst high school love stories can have really good endings!

 

[Mermaid02]

I can't believe all the people saying the girl is not her friend. This is teenage drama stuff. When I was a JR. in high school I had dated a boy who broke up with me, I was devestated and still head over heels for him. One night at a dance I looked over and my BFF was kissing him. I was VERY upset. You know what though? The minute I got a new boyfriend, all was forgiven- we even did LOTS of double dating. I think very often teenage girls are in love with being in love. That was 25 years ago- both boys are LONG gone and that friend is still the BEST friend I have ever had.

 

[Frantasmic]

Although it doesn't help now, she found out what kind of person her best friend was as well as how fickle the boy she liked was. If he liked her and then turned around and stated he liked another and went to public DOA as quickly as he did, well, he's probably not the type of guy YOU want her to date, at least.

The unwritten rules you allude too aren't universal and probably not even standard these days.

And it is wise to remember that someone can't steal something that never was yours to begin with. It is probably a good lesson to teach to get to know someone better as a person and then evaluate your feelings for them.

I know that isn't something hormone-fueled teens learn very readily.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

I can't believe all the people saying the girl is not her friend. This is teenage drama stuff. When I was a JR. in high school I had dated a boy who broke up with me, I was devestated and still head over heels for him. One night at a dance I looked over and my BFF was kissing him. I was VERY upset. You know what though? The minute I got a new boyfriend, all was forgiven- we even did LOTS of double dating. I think very often teenage girls are in love with being in love. That was 25 years ago- both boys are LONG gone and that friend is still the BEST friend I have ever had.

That's why I was thinking that girls deal with this a little differently than boys do. It's good to know someone of the opposite gender has had a similar experience to me, and still has that best friend many years later.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

For clarification, if the boy and the daughter were not dating, what did the boy do wrong? The daughter has no right to assume that the boy ever had an interest in dating her unless he said as much. Now, if he misled her in some way, I understand.

 

[java]

My son is walking along a similar path- He would be the offending friend if he acts.
There is a girl. His best friend has liked her since they were all 12.(they are 16 now) The friend has asked her out for years and she always says no. I have a sneaking suspission I know why-

I am sorry for your daughter that her feelings are getting crushed. I was a never ever girl- if someone liked or even mentioned they might like someone they were off limits to me. Now I think it's all changed.

 

[heatherleigh]

I'm so sorry for your daughter. And I understand why you are mad too.

I know she won't see it now, but she is better off without both of them. They are both selfish and cruel. They HAD to know how much this would hurt her.

Hopefully school is almost out and she will not have their relationship rubbed in her face for much longer. With any luck it will fizzle by fall and someday may karma bite them both in the behind. Hard.

I really hope your daughter does not let this girl back into her circle of friends. If she could do this once she could do it again when the stakes are much higher.

I agree. The couple did not have to throw it in the girl's face by making out right in front of her. That's what makes it extra cruel. Furthermore, the friend is old enough to know that isn't right. My close friends never traded boyfriends back in the day. I know it's common w/ some girls (the class one year under us loved to do it), but I never went for that. Friends are too important.