My friend's daughter & her inappropriate clothing--HELP!!

[Hannathy]

I don't understand this walking on eggshell bit. She is her mother her clothes are inappropriate why doesn't she tell her? If she was staying out inappropriately late would the Mom not tell her because it would hurt her self esteem? Or if she wasn't doing her school work? that is baloney. I'm sure the DD didn't get up this morning and for the first time put something on that didn't fit. She should have been told the first time she wore something that didn't fit. What is wrong with saying those shorts don't fit, go put another pair on. Does she plan on letting her go to school like this? Now I know how the girls get away with wearing the clothes I see on them at the high school, their Mom's don't want to hurt their self esteem. Tell your friend to be the Mom put her foot down and get her some bigger clothes.

And for the nay sayers I have a 15 1/2 yr old DD who isn't a twig and if something doesn't fit she gets told and styles that don't work don't get bought. Not every body shape can wear every style, that's life.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

I agree with Hannathy. Its my job to teach my DD what looks good on her. We were just shopping for clothes yesterday. We went to Old Navy and she wanted one of the t-shirts and I picked up one of those swing style shirts. We took them both into the dressing room with new jeans. She tried on hers and then mine. Mine was much more flattering. I pointed out how it made her look better and why she should choose this style. After looking at herself she agreed and then got a great big smile on her face because she looked good! We then went and picked out a whole bunch of other shirts in the similar style. Its our job to teach them how to dress. Kids aren't born knowing what looks good on them.

Oh and BTW, my DD is only 7. Start them young!!

 

[sweet angel]

I'm surprised her friends haven't said anything to her.

If the parents don't say something, the kids in school are bound to, and it won't be in a manner so as not to hurt her self-esteem.

 

[OK!]

There is an enormous difference between being blunt about staying out late or not doing homework and being blunt about someone's size. As someone who has struggled with eating disorders for the last 25+ years (and probably will for the rest of my life) as a result of authority figures being overly-critical with me about my weight when I was younger, I'd only ask that the situation be treated delicately, perhaps as an earlier poster said--blame the clothes or even shift the blame onto the mother's "conservative values" or whatever, but do not ever bring weight or body type into the equation. Please.

Incidentally, the authority figures in question were swim coaches, not my mom, but the damage done was the same. At the time, I was 5'8" and weighed 126 pounds and was told that I would never amount to anything in life (in LIFE!) because I was fat.

I only mentioned the last part because I didn't want people thinking evil things about my mom.

 

[NMAmy]

I'm surprised her friends haven't said anything to her.

If the parents don't say something, the kids in school are bound to, and it won't be in a manner so as not to hurt her self-esteem.

Eh, not so much. Or not to the girl's face but more behind her back.

My 16 yo dd always has me go shopping with her for things like prom dresses because she told me, "My friends will tell me EVERYTHING looks good so they don't hurt my feelings. I know you'll tell me the truth, Mom."

 

[Mean Queen]

She can always act like her DD just had a growth spurt and outgrew her clothes by suggesting a shopping spree for new ones. Or she could make a comment about how the clothes show too much skin and wouldn't be allowed in school, so again a shopping spree for new, more school appropriate, clothes. Maybe she could make a comment about how her DD is always pulling at her clothes and ask if they are uncomfortable. I'm guessing if the girl is pulling to try to cover up something, it's because she doesn't want that something to show.

 

[sweet angel]

DS16 knows flat out if I'm paying for the clothes, I get final say. He knows that even if he liked the 97-sizes-too-big-fallin-off-my-butt pants, he wouldn't get them. He knows that he will not get "girl pants".

I'd say boys are easier, but aside from this year, I used to tell him shopping with him was worse than shopping with a woman.

 

[marshallandcartersmo]

My mom would (and does) just be honest and blunt and say "that outfit does nothing for you". But if this mom isn't blunt enough here's an idea!

How about having the mom find one of those personal shoppers to help her daughter pick out some clothes. A third party might be what is needed here. Some department stores offer this service for free, just call ahead. It might end up being just some girl who's on the register picking out some outfits, but sometimes things are easier coming from a stranger than your mom.

 

[nsyncraider17]

My mom has always been honest with me. I've never been overweight, but I've always had a little bit of a tummy, and I can't always wear the same things as my very skinny, flat tummy best friend. Usually I'm the one who's over critical of how things look on me anyway, but if my mom is with me and doesn't like something, she'll tell me "that looks too tight for you," or "that style makes your stomach look bigger." I don't get offended by it, and I'm usually glad she told me.

That said, at 15 I was also horribly self conscious, and clothing sizes were a big issue. Having to buy bigger sizes all of a sudden sucks. So mom probably shouldn't just tell Sally to buy bigger sizes. Also, don't take her to Hollister or Abercrombie, since their sizes run very small. Old Navy would probably be good. Also, try to get her away from the tight shirts and shorts and look at other styles... baby doll style shirts are everywhere right now, and jean skirts are always in, which usually look better on people than tiny shorts.

 

[DisneyBeagle]

Thanks for all of your suggestions so far. I am copying them and sending them to my friend.

Sally (the daughter) purchases a lot of her own clothes from money she makes from babysitting. My friend said that she has tried to suggest different clothing styles when they go shopping, but Sally always wants to buy the same styles as her friends.

 

[ticktock]

My friend asked me for advice today and she said it was fine to post on the DIS as long as I didn't use any names.

My friend has a daughter that is 15 (let's call her Sally). Sally is a great girl with a wonderful personality and has never caused any problems for her parents. Sally is slightly overweight (probably 25-30 pounds).

So I'm at my friend's house for lunch today and when Sally gets up from the table she had to tug on her shorts in about 6 different ways and pull her shirt down several times to keep herself covered. You could see her belly hanging over the sides of her shorts. As Sally is walking away from the table my friend shakes her head and I asked her if there was a problem. She said that she doesn't know how to tell her daughter that her clothing is inappropriate for her body type without causing self-esteem issues with her daughter.

Now as I said, Sally isn't tremendously overweight, but she wants to wear the exact same clothes as her friends that are all fairly slim and who can blame her. The reason her mom is worried is that (I'm sorry that I can't find a better way to phrase this) the clothes that are a bit too small make Sally look like a hoochie mama and Sally is constantly tugging and pulling at her clothes to keep herself covered. Sally's friend came over later in the day and she had on an almost identical outfit. The friend, however, was quite a bit smaller and she looked great in the outfit (very short shorts and a tight fitting t-shirt).

Anyway, my friend wants to help lead her daughter to clothing that is more appropriate for her body type. She is worried that if she mentions that the clothes are too small that Sally will have body image issues. She asked me what I would do, and to tell you the truth I have no idea. I would probably just leave well enough alone, but I know that my friend is worried that people are talking behind her Sally's back. I will admit that I have seen Sally a few times lately and thought to myself that she probably shouldn't be wearing that outfit.

I need to ad that my friend has never mentioned any of this to her daughter. As far as Sally knows, mom thinks her clothes are fine.

How would you experienced parents handle this situation?

Sorry I think any girl looks like a hootchie in these clothes. I just went to visit my aunt, and her daughters, who she used to have dressed so nicely, were falling out of their clothes. I mean they were showing more skin than a Hooters girl and they don't have near as much to show as those professional hootchies.

My dad was soo embarrassed. Even my son said "All their STUFF was STICKING OUT" I asked him if some of the girls at his school didn't dress like that and he said yes but he wouldn't be friends with them, they weren't "nice girls". We live in a very large urban area, my aunt lives in the back of beyond. I think people in the sticks see Paris Hilton and that type of trash on TV and think everyone dresses that way. They don't. Just FYI for you people in the sticks.

 

[ticktock]

My mother would have said "Your clothes are too tight and revealing. We need to go shopping to find clothes that are stylish and less revealing". When I gave her the old "But Mom, this is how everybody dresses" she was have given me the old "But I am not everybody's mother. I am your mother and I don't want you wearing clothes that are too tight and revealing. It gives people the wrong impression".

And, quite frankly, it does. I don't care if you're a size 2 or 12. Some of the young girls I see walking around look like streetwalkers. Yes, they are cute and thin enough to wear the styles, but they still look like streetwalkers. Frankly, I never look at a kid dressed in super shoirt shorts and too tight clothes and think "Well, at least she has the body to wear that outfit". I look at a kid dressed like that and think "Wow, her mother lets her go out fo the house dressed like a streetwalker". Let the flames begin... I know, I know "You can't tell them what to do". When they are 15 you can. You are the parent. And if you don't tell them that they are giving people a bad impression, you are doing your child a disservice.

And, since every time I post an opinion about kids someone always asks me whether or not I have them, the answer is no, I do not. (Apparently unless you have children you cannot possibly know anything about them! )But I have parents, and did when I was a teenager too. And I have eyes, and see what kids are doing and wearing these days. And some of it ain't pretty, no matter what size they are!

EXACTLY. Why do people want their children to look like *****s? My DH took DS to orientation, he said 99% of the girls dressed like hookers had mothers dressed like hookers, they also didn't seem to have dads who were "around". He pointed this out to DS, you may think she looks cute in those shortshorts now, but she'll be trying to wear the same things when she's 48 AND she'll be dressing YOUR daughters that way .

DH was preaching to the choir on this one. DS has never liked whiney girly girls anyway. THANK GOD. I already have these girls calling the house and poor DS trying to blow them off without hurting their feelings. It used to be lock up your daughters. Now it's lock up your sons, the hootchies are coming!!!!

 

[YetanotherMouseFan]

Of course, I'm passive-aggressive, but I'd probably tell her something along the lines of " I'm so sorry, honey. it looks like I shrunk your clothes in the wash, guess we need to go shopping." DD (now 29) was also just a couple of pounds overweight, and had a best friend who wasn't afraid to tell her when she "ran off the rails" clothes-wise. It was a mutual-aid thing. Except for the poodle-hair episode in 1991.....

 

[anna_chronistic]

If the mom the OP is referring to (and her daughter) have a chance, they should try to catch a few episodes of "What Not to Wear." The people on the show really run the gamut. You might see a 21-year-old college student wearing skintight, trashy clothes, (or a 45-year-old woman wearing the same stuff), or people who just wear sweatsuits or just hand-me-downs they received from their great-aunt, etc.

Stacy and Clinton NEVER make hurtful comments about the body shape of the woman they are making over. They always focus on the positive. At the most, they might say a certain style really "emphasizes your tiny waist and hides your problem areas," or something like that. "Problem areas" is about as hurtful as their comments ever get. Plus, the women look so amazing after the makeover that it really shows that many -- dare I say a majority? -- of people do not know how to dress themselves to best advantage.

It's stunning how many people on the show say they are certain Stacy and Clinton are wrong, or say they'll never find cute clothes that fit, etc. Somehow, they always are able to find enough for a whole wardrobe.

 

[mcco5543]

to the OP, I've read the whole thread and have seen your 2nd post. So mom's already tried the "letting Sally realize her clothes don't fit right for her".....time to pull the "you're clothes are too revealing and you need to either start purchasing clothes that fit these requirements /(dont' ride up, pants meet shirt at waist, etc) OR mom will start purchasing clothes for her or with her.

Every which way, body size needs to be left out of it if at ALL possible.

 

[DisneyBeagle]

to the OP, I've read the whole thread and have seen your 2nd post. So mom's already tried the "letting Sally realize her clothes don't fit right for her".....time to pull the "you're clothes are too revealing and you need to either start purchasing clothes that fit these requirements /(dont' ride up, pants meet shirt at waist, etc) OR mom will start purchasing clothes for her or with her.

Every which way, body size needs to be left out of it if at ALL possible.

I agree and I think my friend does also. She's just wondering how to handle Sally's questions about why her friends can wear the clothing, but she can't. She's worried about how to do this without pointing out to her daughter that she is overweight.

 

[Christine]

I agree and I think my friend does also. She's just wondering how to handle Sally's questions about why her friends can wear the clothing, but she can't. She's worried about how to do this without pointing out to her daughter that she is overweight.

You know--this is tough.

On the one hand, I 100% agree with not pulling body image into the mix, but on the other hand, this is her mother and I think it's kind of weird to tiptoe around the obvious. There has GOT to be a tactful and uncritical way to discuss this.

As I said in an earlier post, my DD is not overweight but she does, unfortunately, junk out a bit during the summer and sits on her butt--very inactive. You can BET that I point out to her that she is putting on weight. Why? Because her habits are unhealthy and if your mom can't be honest about a negative factor than who can? And, my DD is not putting on weight because of a medical issue or some other genetic predisposition that she can't help. She is eating RING DINGS all day. She is going out with her friends and getting ice cream and burgers. Some of it I can control, much of it I don't. But she is a big girl now--16--and she needs to learn to either live with her choices. Anyway, I'm rambling.

At some point, her mother DOES have to say that certain types of clothes are made for smaller figures and they are cut that way. She also has to explain that if you are not built that way, it is unflattering to try to force yourself into that mold and you will just look silly. It might just be time to have that talk. I haven't gone back to read the first post again but I vaguely remember the OP saying that the teenager wasn't too overweight--25 lbs or so? I'm sorry, that is too much for a teenager.

 

[GEM]

We live in a very large urban area, my aunt lives in the back of beyond. I think people in the sticks see Paris Hilton and that type of trash on TV and think everyone dresses that way. They don't. Just FYI for you people in the sticks.

Gee. Thanks so much for your help and guidance. I don't know how I would appropriately dress my child without your generous urban intellect and wisdom. I'll be sure and spread the word to the rest of my hillbilly friends, once they sober up from the moonshine.

 

[disneymom3]

And, quite frankly, it does. I don't care if you're a size 2 or 12. Some of the young girls I see walking around look like streetwalkers. Yes, they are cute and thin enough to wear the styles, but they still look like streetwalkers. Frankly, I never look at a kid dressed in super shoirt shorts and too tight clothes and think "Well, at least she has the body to wear that outfit". I look at a kid dressed like that and think "Wow, her mother lets her go out fo the house dressed like a streetwalker". Let the flames begin...
And, since every time I post an opinion about kids someone always asks me whether or not I have them, the answer is no, I do not. !

I think the same exact thing and I do have kids so you are safe. I will back up your statement if you need more credibility.

I think it is very hard to be a larger girl. It always has been and it always will be. It is a sad thing but I think the sooner that girls learn about how different styles of clothes work with different body types the better. My suggestion--if mom can pull it off have her really splurge and set up an appt with DD and a personal shopper at one of the nicer department stores. Give DD a budget and usually the personal shopper is free. Maybe that could be a really great 16th bday gift. This is what I plan to do when DD starts wearing makeup--I am taking her into a salon and having them do it for her and then buying what she needs.

 

[disneymom3]

Gee. Thanks so much for your help and guidance. I don't know how I would appropriately dress my child without your generous urban intellect and wisdom. I'll be sure and spread the word to the rest of my hillbilly friends, once they sober up from the moonshine.

I need a wiping tears away smilie!