My friend's daughter & her inappropriate clothing--HELP!!

[DisneyBeagle]

My friend asked me for advice today and she said it was fine to post on the DIS as long as I didn't use any names.

My friend has a daughter that is 15 (let's call her Sally). Sally is a great girl with a wonderful personality and has never caused any problems for her parents. Sally is slightly overweight (probably 25-30 pounds).

So I'm at my friend's house for lunch today and when Sally gets up from the table she had to tug on her shorts in about 6 different ways and pull her shirt down several times to keep herself covered. You could see her belly hanging over the sides of her shorts. As Sally is walking away from the table my friend shakes her head and I asked her if there was a problem. She said that she doesn't know how to tell her daughter that her clothing is inappropriate for her body type without causing self-esteem issues with her daughter.

Now as I said, Sally isn't tremendously overweight, but she wants to wear the exact same clothes as her friends that are all fairly slim and who can blame her. The reason her mom is worried is that (I'm sorry that I can't find a better way to phrase this) the clothes that are a bit too small make Sally look like a hoochie mama and Sally is constantly tugging and pulling at her clothes to keep herself covered. Sally's friend came over later in the day and she had on an almost identical outfit. The friend, however, was quite a bit smaller and she looked great in the outfit (very short shorts and a tight fitting t-shirt).

Anyway, my friend wants to help lead her daughter to clothing that is more appropriate for her body type. She is worried that if she mentions that the clothes are too small that Sally will have body image issues. She asked me what I would do, and to tell you the truth I have no idea. I would probably just leave well enough alone, but I know that my friend is worried that people are talking behind her Sally's back. I will admit that I have seen Sally a few times lately and thought to myself that she probably shouldn't be wearing that outfit.

I need to ad that my friend has never mentioned any of this to her daughter. As far as Sally knows, mom thinks her clothes are fine.

How would you experienced parents handle this situation?

 

[bcsmom]

I have not had experience with a situation like this before, but maybe she could start exercising with her daughter. Maybe just ask her to spend some time with her walking or something to start. She may want to let her pediatrician bring something up about healthy eating? That is a very tender subject. It is ashame that most girls have a very poor body image of themselves. I wish I could of been more help.

 

[sweet angel]

Maybe she can steer her toward a more appropriate size. These days, the larger-sized stores have pretty much the same type clothing as the regular stores. She can get clothes that fit properly and still be stylish.

In my town, it seems the bigger the girl, the tighter the clothes.

 

[barkley]

any chance with school about to start and mom holding (i would assume) the purse strings on new clothing that she could ensure that any future purchases are a bit more in line with the dd's body type? (and personaly, i don't care how nice someone's body is-a 15 year old does not need to be prancing around in short shorts and skin tight t's-esp. at school).

i understand the issues with body image and girls, but girls also have to be aware of the messages they 'send' based on the clothing selections they make-so sometimes you have to be somewhat blunt and get the message accross.

btw-my dd is somewhat large for her age, but she is also very aware that because of that some styles that her thinner friends can wear no problem are totaly inappropriate for her to wear (even if her school permitted them).

 

[Sherri]

Thats a tough one. I guess if I were the Mom I would say Sally your a beautiful girl but I don't want you wearing things that are too revealing.
Then she can go on to say that she will take her shopping to pick out things that are more conservitive, all the while Sally can think her Mom is a stick in the mud and the Mom got her point accross about focusing on the style of clothing rather then the shape of Sally.
The Mom can tell Sally that she doesn't want the boys to pay the wrong kind of attention to her and though Sally may roll her eyes and think her mother was never a teenager its okay because Sally still sees it as the clothing and not the way the clothing fits her.

 

[Msslaydbug]

Wow - that's a hard one. With her daughter being 15 though, who bought the clothes in the first place ? I think maybe mom just needs to say as Sherri suggested and mentioned she is concerned her clothing choices are too revealing.

As a mother of a almost 3yo DD I can't believe some of the things parents let their young girls wear

 

[mcco5543]

let me start with, i'm not a mom, i'm an elementary school teacher and I was (and still am) very senstive when people talk anything about me. (i'm working on this)....anyway i digress

I completely agree that mentioning her body shape is completely and totally unncessary.

I also agree that if mom is willing to be the "uncool" mom on this one, it would really do a lot to fix the situation and save her daugthers body image.

I do have another possibility as an attempt to rectify this before mom has to pull "mean mom" manuver

She could wait till the next time she sees Sally get up from the table and while she's pulling at her outfit, mom could ask Sally if her clothes feel like they are fitting alright,

mom could say how she knows since she's a teenager she's growing fast and she's noticed Sally tugging on her clothes a lot and clothes are meant to feel comfortable and you shouldn't have to tug at them if they are the way they're supposed to be and if Sally agrees then they could go out shopping together for clothes that are right for Sally (AKA: fit correctly) that way it could be Sally's choice and mom wouldn't have to be the "bad guy" ....if however Sally says her clothes are fine, mom could wait a couple weeks, and then at another time when Sally is tugging away at her clothes, mom could get exasperhated and say that sally can not tug at her clothes and that she is taking her out for clothes that she wont' have to tug at (again not mentioning body shape or size) and then mom can be the 'bad guy"

good luck!

 

[Imzadi]

There is a big difference in changing the way she dresses because they are too revealing vs. because she is overweight. As others have mentioned, don'te even mention the weight. Skinny Catholic girls (for example,) go through this fight with their parents too, when they are dressed too revealing. So it isn't about size. Just focus on her being dressed trendy & stylishly, but appropriately covered.

And if she doesn't like her new clothing choices, she can always blame it on her uncool, conservative mom, (every teen understands that,) than on being forced to dress that way because she's overweight. A too conservative image is easy to rectify once she turns 18 and moves out and decides to dress like Madonna or Britney again.

 

[NMAmy]

I'm the mom of a 16 yo girl. Everyone has certain styles that just do not suit their body type or their figure flaws no matter whether they are normal weight or overweight. I would recommend the OP's friend go shopping with her dd and point her toward styles that flatter her figure.

My dd will go shopping with her friends but she likes to take me with her because she knows I will tell her the truth in a constructive way (because her body is very much the same as mine was at her age--I know what is more flattering through my own trial and error.) I steer her away from things that don't look great and toward clothing items that will just work better for her. Girls just aren't always aware of the fact that no one looks good in EVERY style.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I know this is a hard situation but my Mom would flat out tell me that something didn'tlook good on me. Clearly the girl is wearing the wrong size if she has to play tug of war with her clothes. I have a sister who is a twig. I on the other hand am more of a sturdy oak. We both have a hard time finding clothes that look good and we always did. My Mom never made me feel really terrible about it but she would say that "that style does nothing for you" etc. My grandmother on the other hand would say things like "well, you did gain weight, what do you expect?" But that's an entirely new thread of it's own. There is nothing wrong with saying that a certain style is not flattering. Heck, my dsis can't wear alot of things because she's too thin. Go figure. I personally would not purchase clothes for my kids that are too small. I think the Mom needs to be a bit honest as far as sizing goes. It has nothing to do with being larger or smaller, just get what fits. It doesn't matter what size it is.

 

[Christine]

I know this is a hard situation but my Mom would flat out tell me that something didn'tlook good on me.

This is my manner of dealing with my DD.

Now, my DD does border on having a "twig" body; however, over the summer she kind of packs on weight and things don't fit her well AT ALL. I have NO problem telling her: Do you know that you BUTT CRACK is hanging out of those jeans.! I also told her that her gut was hanging out over her little Soffe shorts (and it was). I do this in a very "laughing" voice and it kind of sounds like "fun and games". She either takes my advice or she doesn't but I *have* pointed it out.

As another poster says, this has NOTHING to do with body image so much as wearing clothing that doesn't fit your body type. Even people within their proper body weight have areas of their body that don't do well in certain types of clothing and I do think that it is a parent's job to, lovingly point those things out.

Children, even teens, need to be taught how to do everything. And dressing appropriately is one of them.

Everyone has a different relationship with their child and every child has a different sensitivity level. If I were the mom of this girl I would just probably had casually said "Sally, you are hanging out of those clothes and it doesn't look right--do we need to go shopping and find a new size or do you need some new clothes." When Sally then says "Mom, all the girls are wearing this." Then it's the time for mom to give a lesson on various body types and clothing.

 

[iNTeNSeBLue98]

Mom of a 16ys DD, checking in. DD could stand to lose probably 10-20 lbs, but I've never outright told her so. She knows she needs to get fit and we are planning to join a gym soon. I will try to subtly tell her that the fit is not right for her body type, and I'm constantly telling her to go up a size in pants/shorts because she also is forever tugging on the belt loops and pulling down the tiny, form-fitting tee shirts.

I think the problem is in the styles and fits that are available to young girls. I can't convince her to shop anywhere but the Juniors dept. She wants to look "cool" and pick what she likes to wear. So long as she is comfortable in "her own skin", and is covered up or not hanging out, I'll let her wear what she wants.

Fashion trends are veering from the short cropped tops and low-low rise jeans. Waistlines are also said to be rising (not much, but hopefully bottoms will be fully covered now w/mid-rises becoming available) Tops are getting longer (baby dolls and tunics are in), so maybe your friend can get her DD to try some of those (baby-dolls and mid-rise pants) to camouflage her mid-section. Also - dresses are very hot right now, especially empire waisted styles.

 

[clarabelle]

Gosh I tell my DD all the time if something doesn't work. I think that is the job of the parent. I look back on some of the silly things I did as a teenager and wish someone had told me not to (I may not have listened -but maybe)
Anyway. I try to temper the -this is working quite right -with lots of -boy you look beautiful.
My husband tells her as well when he notices her looking good.

 

[Tinijocaro]

I have no problem telling my dd(9) if she is wearing something that is too tight or showing her tummy. I'd say, don't mention the weight, but just show her that you have to buy clothes that fit- maybe just one size larger is all she'd need.

 

[powellrj]

we have another family member that is like this. She would look really good if she wore her clothes a little larger and not as tight. The problem is she thinks she looks great and will criticize my family for dressing too conservative!!

She will buy DD things that are way too tight and tell her she would look so much better if she wore her clothes tighter and shorter!

The clothes out now are NOT figure friendly to anyone that has the least amount of extra weight. Even girls who I would never consider overweight don't look great in the really short and tight baby tees and low rise pants. You have to be very, very thin not to look overweight when your hip bones and your middle are both showing.

I would bet that the DD thinks she looks great and there really isn't too much that the mom can do about it other than try to steer her to more figure friendly clothes.

 

[Disney Doll]

My mother would have said "Your clothes are too tight and revealing. We need to go shopping to find clothes that are stylish and less revealing". When I gave her the old "But Mom, this is how everybody dresses" she was have given me the old "But I am not everybody's mother. I am your mother and I don't want you wearing clothes that are too tight and revealing. It gives people the wrong impression".

And, quite frankly, it does. I don't care if you're a size 2 or 12. Some of the young girls I see walking around look like streetwalkers. Yes, they are cute and thin enough to wear the styles, but they still look like streetwalkers. Frankly, I never look at a kid dressed in super shoirt shorts and too tight clothes and think "Well, at least she has the body to wear that outfit". I look at a kid dressed like that and think "Wow, her mother lets her go out fo the house dressed like a streetwalker". Let the flames begin... I know, I know "You can't tell them what to do". When they are 15 you can. You are the parent. And if you don't tell them that they are giving people a bad impression, you are doing your child a disservice.

And, since every time I post an opinion about kids someone always asks me whether or not I have them, the answer is no, I do not. (Apparently unless you have children you cannot possibly know anything about them! )But I have parents, and did when I was a teenager too. And I have eyes, and see what kids are doing and wearing these days. And some of it ain't pretty, no matter what size they are!

 

[shortbun]

My neice is 17 and NOT skinny. She's got great muscles as she's a dancer and a little belly. She's 5'10" with a muscular body and insisted on buying medium shirts/tops and tight pants. She needs a large. She's constantly tugging. I was with her last weekend and said, "let's take you shopping and see if we can find some clothes you're not having to constantly pull on to keep them where you want them." We went shopping. I had to beg her to humor me and try larger sizes. To her amazement, they fit! And....she liked them! Same kind of clothes, a little hip showing but the pants ride on her instead of bite her and the tops are still form fitting but only allow a hint of skin instead of a big belly. I think the key to getting a teen age girl to listen is to be willing to spend some money on her and maybe NOT be her mother.
I told her she looked much more sophisticated; a look befitting an intelligent, cool young woman.

 

[CathrynRose]

Maybe she can steer her toward a more appropriate size. These days, the larger-sized stores have pretty much the same type clothing as the regular stores. She can get clothes that fit properly and still be stylish.

.

I agree - most all those 'styles' now, come in XL, 1X, 2X, etc, etc... and it sounds like, if she's even able to fit into the 'Larges' of dinky stores, she'd only really need an XL...

Pass this on:

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[MushyMushy]

My DD is only 11 and I don't have a problem being honest with her. She's really cute, but has a bigger belly. She sometimes wants to buy clothes that are too snug (you know those tee shirts for juniors that are form fitting?) and I just tell her the truth and guide her towards something that's also stylish, but that doesn't cling so tightly.

I just think there has to be a balance. We'd be doing them a disservice by letting them think they look good, but at the same time we don't want to make them feel bad about ourselves. My own mother was horribly critical, so I always have that in the back of my mind when I'm dealing with my own daughter.

 

[Kath2003]

My mum would have just said that the clothes didn't look good and taken me shopping. There's no reason why she can't get the same clothes in a bigger size.

My Mum is my favourite person to go shopping with. She's honest with me. She'll tell me if something looks absolutely awful without trying to be tactful. In fact, I rarely go shopping with anyone else (which means I don't go shopping much since I only see her 4-5 times a year!).

My weight fluctuates up and down a LOT. Right now, I'm in my "medium" jeans. They're not my "really fat jeans" but they're my "you need to lose 5lb" jeans.