My FMIL is the DEVIL

[Tamarap]

I agree with those that think MIL is hoping you (or someone else) will offer to pay her way, after all, you just CAN'T have the wedding without her, right?

W R O N G!

Obviously, you future DH will have to agree, but just tell her "Oh, we'll so miss having you at the wedding. We'll be sure to stop by and show you pictures when we get back from the honeymoon and tell you all about it." No matter how much she whines, cries, carries on, and makes a nusence of herself, just keep up that same reply. If she flat out asks that you pay for her, tell her your so sorry, but it's not not in the budget. Make sure your DF is 100% on board for this, though. Once she gets the idea pounded into the her little pea brain that she either has to pay her own way or not go, believe me, she'll "miraculosly" find the money and be able to attend. Most likely at the last minute to get the most attention "bang" for her buck. She'll figure out a way to attend, because she won't be able to resist being there and not getting all the attention she "deserves" as Mother Of The Groom. In fact, she'll most likely try to steal some (most? all?) of the attention from you, DF, and your own parents if she possiblely can.

Exactly what I am thinking!

 

[Wishing on a star]

You know, I am noticing that your wedding is for next year, right...

So, first MIL was all for it... and now, she has determined MONTHS before the occasion that she cannot afford it!!!

Ummmmm, Yeah Right!

This is a HUGE power play, and I would COMPLETELY disengage.... If you give her one tiny iota of control, you are doomed. She will use this as MAJOR leverage.

She must learn RIGHT AWAY that she has no ability whatsoever to affect your plans. She agreed, you made your plans and your commitments for your wedding. End of story.

As long as you stay 'engaged' (as in "engaged in battle" not engaged to be married....) She maintains that control.

You need to completely disengage.

And, once again, the other familiy members plans to attend, or not, is their own decision. You have no control over it. (Though MIL seems to assume she is in a situation of control to let you know others decisons... ) Let it go....

 

[Beth76]

Learn right now to ignore your future MIL and to create your own happiness...... I recently read an old saying... Those who anger you control you. Do not give her that control. If you do, she will retain that control (and this IS a HUGE power-play) and you will be angry and miserable forever.

I agree with this as well. My MIL is a peice of work (not as bad as yours though). Nothing she does bothers me though. I've just come to expect it of her. I just don't care enough about her to let anything she does upset me.

She gave my son his birthday present about 3 months too late because she was holding it hostage until we came to see her. When she realized that we didn't care about that she decided she would come visit us. She gives our children crappy age-inappropriate gifts. I don't care because we don't need anything from her. She gives me really crappy gifts, but again I don't need anything from her so it doesn't bother me.

I've decided to limit our visits to their house to 2 times a year (they live 4 hours away). If they want to see the grandchildren more than that, they are welcome to come here. Of course, they aren't jumping at the chance anyway so why should I care.

Fortunately, my DH feels the same way that I do. She tries to manipulate him, but he's come to figure out all of her tricks and doesn't fall for them anymore. Hopefully, your fiance can find the same "freedom".

 

[arminnie]

The problem is that it really hurts my DF and I want this to be the most joyful day of his life with all the support from his family and friends. I'm sure it will be painful to see I've got a pile of people in my corner and all he has is his dad

At most weddings there is traditionally a bride's side of the church and a groom's side. When one side is going to be terribly underrepresented, it is a good thing to toss this tradition.

From the way you have described her before you should have someone PAY her not to attend. The hurt of her not being there is going to be a whole lot less than the hurt she has the potential to inflict by being there.

Of course she wants you to pay - no other reason to make that remark.

 

[Disney Doll]

He will only have his dad and step mom because we are having a Disney Intimate wedding that only allows us 18 people and all others on his side, according to his mother, have declined.

Why is your crazy future MIL telling you who will and won't be coming? Why would you believe her? Didn't you invite these folks yourselves, with responses that came to you???

I wouldn't believe her quite frankly.

 

[momrek06]

Sajetto: I have read through this Thread and after reading everyone's response and YOUR posts and previous posts on other Threads about your FMIL....

I am going to go out on a limb here...I think she is DEPRESSED so she comes off as the BIG meanie...yup, her behavior sounds to me like she is just horribly disappointed in HERSELF so she brings everyone else around her DOWN!

Any chance of that...depression!

 

[faith]

How does your fiance feel about this? Does he want her to come? Can he afford to offer to pay for her room/flight, etc? I'd do what makes him happy, and if it's the above, I'd have him atleast offer the trip to her. Guess what? You'll come out looking like the good guy, and feeling better about yourself. Definitely agree with the poster that said those that anger you control you.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

The problem is that it really hurts my DF and I want this to be the most joyful day of his life with all the support from his family and friends. I'm sure it will be painful to see I've got a pile of people in my corner and all he has is his dad

Yes this is true.

The thing you have to understand is that the people that do love and support WILL BE THERE!!!

That is your focus. Do not make the mistake of focusing on who is not there. Make no mention of it and focus on the joy.

Do not cave, give in, or give her the time of day from here on out. That is your best route. Rise above it and take your first breath as a maturing women who can give your DH a better life than this women did.

 

[disneynutt1225]

OP, I feel your pain.

My FMIL is STILL asking if she can bring her BF to the wedding - no matter how many times she's been told that she cannot. Although, she finally turned in her RSVP so at least I can be "grateful" for that. At this point, she's coming. But that's subject to change.

No one from FMIL's side of the family is even bothering to come to the wedding - why? Because they don't feel like it. You can imagine how great that makes my DFi feel.

I've been under so much stress with this wedding over the last few weeks that I've started losing my hair in clumps, getting bloody noses, having nightmares (when I'm actually able to sleep!). It's been terrible. I mean, I didn't expect planning a wedding to be a walk in the park, but I think it's been extraordinarily painful because of certain people.

I know in the end everything will work out and we'll have a wonderful time and so will everyone else. It's just everything leading up to that day that makes me want to cry sometimes. I really need a vacation.

Just remember, that which doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

 

[princess pooh]

Wow she really is the devil! What kind of witch would hurt her son like that . I feel terrible for your future husband but the last thing you need is someone like that at your wedding.

 

[sajetto]

Sajetto: I have read through this Thread and after reading everyone's response and YOUR posts and previous posts on other Threads about your FMIL....

I am going to go out on a limb here...I think she is DEPRESSED so she comes off as the BIG meanie...yup, her behavior sounds to me like she is just horribly disappointed in HERSELF so she brings everyone else around her DOWN!

Any chance of that...depression!

I have no idea whether or not she is depressed, but it can certainly be a possibilty since she went from a lifestyle of living on a $200,000 annual income from her spouse to $35,000 a year and had to sell off most of her valuable possessions to buy her own home.



Right now I'm trying to make my DF feel better because he has come home all mopey and very sad about this situation.

 

[Cool-Beans]

Sajetto, my best friend married a great guy with a MIL who has mental problems. So many different people have diagnosed so many things that we really don't know what is wrong with her.

The crazy stuff she does is never truly surprising anymore, but is always inventive, and good material for future jokes!

Come to terms with your MIL, accept that she will be causing problems for you, DH and future kids. Figure out a way to deal with her that you can all live with. If you don't, you'll be upset forEVER.

Also accept the fact that she will always do stuff that upsets your DH, and concentrate on how to handle that.

That's my advice, FWIW (not much.)

Moving across the country helped a lot.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Right now I'm trying to make my DF feel better because he has come home all mopey and very sad about this situation.

Ohhh, I hate to hear that.

What exactly is his take on the whole thing???

How does he want to handle it. This is very important.

Is he upset because she is pulling this whole thing, or is he upset because he thinks that she can not afford to come to the wedding, and he knows that the two of you can't really afford it either? Is he upset because he is seeing his mother as she truly is?

Is it possible that the reality of future MIL's financial situation is starting to sink in with her, and she really does not know if she will be able to cover the costs? Is her SO invited? He seems to have money to travel....

In any case. You can not gloss over his feelings and 'cheer him up'. The thing to do is to help him to deal with these issues and come to terms with them.

Honestly, your anger is not what he needs. That is more emotional baggage for him to deal with. He needs you to help him to sort thu it all and to know that whatever happens is Okay.