My exchange student is Autistic.......

[lukenick1]

Hosting a Chinese student this year and have had many obstacles with her since she arrived. From the very beginning we noticed she was very different. I was suspicious she had some sort of disability or mental illness but couldn't put my finger on it. I was waffling between personality disorder, bi polar or Asperger Syndrome. At the same time I didn't know if the behavior was a cultural thing. She would hardly ever smile, did not listen well to rules in the house, was ALWAYS late getting ready in the morning, she moved so slow like a snail. She also spoke in a very monotone voice with no expression. She was super super moody, emotional, defensive, impatient, and un excitable. She seemed to be in her own world most times not really being aware of her surroundings. In the drive to school in the morning she would stare straight out the front window not noticing anything out the windows. She just seemed very disinterested in the world around her. Another big thing was her lack of empathy for others. She had a few emotional outbursts as well and when I had to reprimand her about being on time for school she would just cry. She was very dramatic too. Finally I found out that she is autistic. She came here on Exchange with a boy who is the son of her dads business colleague. The boy told his host parent that my student is Autistic when she asked him why he is being forced to escort her home to China for Christmas break. When I asked a relative I am in contact with about this, she denied it. I guess from what I am learning it is very shameful in Chinese culture to the family to have a less than perfect child. Makes me so sad, and at the same time furious that they would just send their daughter 1/2 way across the globe to be someone else's responsibility. She is here for her High School career then College. I cannot imagine her ever surviving on her own here, she is so high maintenance. I may not be able to keep hosting her because I have 2 boys of adolescent age that may be triggers for her behaviors. She does not like not being the center of attention nor does she like it if they are using the bathroom when she wants to. She gets very frustrated and doesn't understand our humor or sarcasm. I feel very sorry for her but at the same time I am not trained to handle this situation. Anyone have any advice for me?

 

[MommyinHonduras]

I have worked for a company placing exchange students. Have you talked to your contact for the placing agency? They should be doing visit and be in contact to know the placement is going well and a good fit for the student and family. I would also contact the school counselor if there is one at the school she attends. Sounds very challenging for you. I think the exchange program is a great thing but adding a member to a family has lots of challenges no matter the personalities. The placing agency is getting paid well to make sure it goes as well as possible.

 

[lukenick1]

Funny you mention that.....The school thinks there is nothing wrong with her and that her constant frown is me mistreating her. The agency says there is nothing they can do to prove it and that they cannot find her another Host at this point. How was she even allowed to come here? The parents must have lied on her application, she is a special needs child. The relative even said she understands she requires more patience than other children.

 

[sharbear]

I think you need to not host this child. Contact the exchange agency, explain what you said here and tell them you are not equipt to handle this. This is not hard. This is easy, you need to get out of this.

 

[lukenick1]

What's hard is that I have a heart and compassion for her and she is comfortable with me. I feel bad doing this to her, but I know its the right thing to do for her and our family.

 

[sharbear]

Of course you have compassion. I'm sorry that her parents put you in this position.

But at the end of the day, you need to do what is right for your family.

 

[aaarcher86]

They think you're mistreating her but refuse to find another host? Sounds.... Odd.

I really feel for you. The situation is rough, but you have to do what's best for your family in the end. When would she normally head back of you hosted the whole time?

 

[mom2rtk]

My heart hurts for her. And for you.

But don't feel bad doing what is best for your family.

 

[katie01]

I would be very concerned about allegations that you are mistreating her. That alone would have me convinced she can't stay there

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

 

[Hrhpd]

Hosting a Chinese student this year and have had many obstacles with her since she arrived. From the very beginning we noticed she was very different. I was suspicious she had some sort of disability or mental illness but couldn't put my finger on it. I was waffling between personality disorder, bi polar or Asperger Syndrome. At the same time I didn't know if the behavior was a cultural thing. She would hardly ever smile, did not listen well to rules in the house, was ALWAYS late getting ready in the morning, she moved so slow like a snail. She also spoke in a very monotone voice with no expression. She was super super moody, emotional, defensive, impatient, and un excitable. She seemed to be in her own world most times not really being aware of her surroundings. In the drive to school in the morning she would stare straight out the front window not noticing anything out the windows. She just seemed very disinterested in the world around her. Another big thing was her lack of empathy for others. She had a few emotional outbursts as well and when I had to reprimand her about being on time for school she would just cry. She was very dramatic too. Finally I found out that she is autistic. She came here on Exchange with a boy who is the son of her dads business colleague. The boy told his host parent that my student is Autistic when she asked him why he is being forced to escort her home to China for Christmas break. When I asked a relative I am in contact with about this, she denied it. I guess from what I am learning it is very shameful in Chinese culture to the family to have a less than perfect child. Makes me so sad, and at the same time furious that they would just send their daughter 1/2 way across the globe to be someone else's responsibility. She is here for her High School career then College. I cannot imagine her ever surviving on her own here, she is so high maintenance. I may not be able to keep hosting her because I have 2 boys of adolescent age that may be triggers for her behaviors. She does not like not being the center of attention nor does she like it if they are using the bathroom when she wants to. She gets very frustrated and doesn't understand our humor or sarcasm. I feel very sorry for her but at the same time I am not trained to handle this situation. Anyone have any advice for me?

Of course she doesn't understand our humor or sarcasm, she is from a completely different culture. What you describe does not sound like autism at all. I think you need to listen to the school who says there is nothing wrong with her.

But don't worry too much. If you are being accused of mistreating her, whether true or not, she will be gone soon.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

OP Please get this child into a new home ASAP. It is clear that this is not a good match for either of you.

 

[lukenick1]

Hi again......Exactly what I was thinking. The school sees how she always wears a frown and is introverted and they think I am the problem. I hate to say this but they are in denial because they still want tuition from her. It is very unfair to me because I did not sign up for this. The agent sees how she is and said she cannot put her in another home without divulging the details about her and then nobody would want the responsibility. The agent sent an Urgent email back to the China office and they just ignored it saying the parents will talk with her to change her behaviors. Seriously??? This whole situation is so crazy and not a good experience at all. I hosted a Thai student from another agency last year and it was AMAZING. This student will be here until June and then for the next 2 years after that. I am definitely NOT hosting her next fall. This is all too stressful and too much for my family.

 

[Hrhpd]

Hi again......Exactly what I was thinking. The school sees how she always wears a frown and is introverted and they think I am the problem. I hate to say this but they are in denial because they still want tuition from her. It is very unfair to me because I did not sign up for this. The agent sees how she is and said she cannot put her in another home without divulging the details about her and then nobody would want the responsibility. The agent sent an Urgent email back to the China office and they just ignored it saying the parents will talk with her to change her behaviors. Seriously??? This whole situation is so crazy and not a good experience at all. I hosted a Thai student from another agency last year and it was AMAZING. This student will be here until June and then for the next 2 years after that. I am definitely NOT hosting her next fall. This is all too stressful and too much for my family.

Being introverted is not a problem. It is just how some people are.

Is this the same school you have had problems with before with your own children?

 

[lukenick1]

This student goes to a private Catholic School.

 

[lukenick1]

The family friend told his Host parent that she is Autistic and was diagnosed as a child, the school office personal only see her on a limited basis. Her tutor that comes to my house weekly sees she has something wrong but has to turn a blind eye and not get involved. This is the Agency's issue and they are not making much progress finding her a new home. Her parents basically begged me to keep her because they like me and she likes me. This student also told me her parents would send her to the grandparents house in the summer because she was too much trouble.

 

[SparklePixie]

Contact the Agency and tell them you want the child out of your home ASAP. Do not let them blow you off.

 

[MommyinHonduras]

The agency can not make you keep her, yes it is hard to find new host parents quickly but that is not your problem. You need to care for your family and care for her the best you can until then but give the agency a firm 48-72 hour notice. The agency loses money if she is sent home if there is no host family, sounds like this agency is not quite up to par with caring for the kids placed and the families that receive them and thinking about $$$ only.

 

[lukenick1]

Thank you......been trying to get in touch with the agent all day without luck.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

Wow that is a tough situation! It sounds like even if she does get a new placement, she will probably be with you for at least a while longer.

As the parent of a child with autism, here are some things to try that might help you cope in the meantime. Choose the top three issues/behaviors that you think need to be addressed immediately and think of ways to alleviate them, at least a little. For example, if she takes too long to get ready in the mornings, make her a visual schedule showing what she needs to accomplish by the time you need to leave. Ask her if there's anything you can do to help her get ready on time. If she gets upset when the bathroom is being used, perhaps set a schedule. Give her an exact time period when she can use the bathroom to get ready in the mornings and have your boys work around it. It might sound like a pain, but giving her that predictability might help her considerably.

Also think about the things that don't really impact you, like when she stares blankly out the window. It may look like she's disengaged from her environment, but it may be her way of focusing herself before jumping into the noisy and overwhelming atmosphere at the school. If she seems not to get jokes (which is very typical for autism), try to keep the jokes to a minimum and keep your communication with her on a more concrete level. My son takes things very literally and we have to be careful not to exaggerate (it must be a million degrees in this car; you already have about a thousand t-shirts, why do you need more?).

Hopefully you can help her function while you try to get things straightened out with the agency. In the meantime, perhaps you can target a few issues to make things easier for her and your family.