My DS Is Grieving

[browneyes106]

I'm sorry about your DS's friend. I agree with the suggestions about counseling through college services. When do finals at the college take place? If they aren't work for a couple fo weeks tell your son to put some good focus into his school work and it will sort of serve as distraction from grief. A friend of mine worked over time for awhile after his dad's death and he said it helped.

Also maybe look into a grief support group that your son could attend during winter break and maybe check or buy books related to grief. I have heard some good things about the book below.
http://www.amazon.com/Grieving-Deat...8421/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1291074373&sr=8-1

If you and your family attend a church maybe talk to the pastor for advice or see if he or she can help your DS somehow.

 

[dairyou]

Thank you all for the great advice. I did call the college and they said it might be possible to take finals early. They are the next 2 weeks. When I called DS, he said no. He feels like he needs to still learn what is going to be in the finals. He did state he felt better today. He is a little overwhelmed with doing work and trying to write for the funeral.

Along with everything else he is thinking of transferring to a different college next year.

I tried to encourage him to see the counselor, but I doubt he would do it. He is my prideful one

Deb

 

[pepperw23]

Thanks everyone. I don't think he would skip this semester. I just know how he is. I did send him a message about counseling at the college. Hopefully he will look into it. I'll ask him about it when I call him tomorrow.

Life is rough.

I am so sorry.

Do you think you could go stay up there for a couple of days? Maybe it would help him to have you nearby..or even let him stay with you at the hotel.

My Mom lives an hour away. When my Dad passed away I called and spoke to my Mom every single day once in the morning and once in the evening. It helped us both to hear each others voices. Maybe if you can't go up there you can call him each evening.

Good luck to you. I know when your child is hurting, you are hurting too.

 

[dairyou]

Though we are close I don't think he'd want me around. I also have my 17 year old here at home and DH works out of town.

He's always be the type who will try to work it through without our help. I think school is a good distraction in keeping him busy.

Thank you all for the prayers and thoughts. The first night was the roughest for me. Just thinking of DS's friend's mom leaving the hospital knowing her baby will be at the morgue all by himself. It was heart wrenching. She has remained strong, I wonder if it's all for the DS and his friends though

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I'd probably want to talk to him about the stages of grieving and how grieving is a process that could take a fair amount of time to work through - the underlying message being that the feelings he's feeling are normal, everyone feels them, not exactly in the same way, but to one degree or another. And at some point, he'll feel better and his friend will remain in his heart always.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm

I'd also talk to him about my spiritual beliefs (unsure whether this applies to you, but skip it if not). That his body has died but that his spirit has moved on, etc. We think this is common knowledge, but many times kids and young adults have really had very little exposure to death, beliefs about an afterlife, the grieving process, etc, so it helps them to hear it spelled out even if it seems elementary. Additionally, just the closeness you'll share during these conversations I'm sure will be helpful to your son.

I'm sure there are some good books on the subject as well. Maybe find one that's simple and straightforward that he can look over at his leisure, etc.

This looks like a good one and has gotten excellent reviews: http://www.amazon.com/Healing-After...=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1291091267&sr=1-1

 

[Tasha+Scott]

I lost several friends in high school. It helped to have friends to talk to and a support system but something that really helped me was having a journal to write my thoughts and feelings in. Sometimes I felt noone really understood what I felt or was going through and this helped tremendously.

Dh lost his childhood best friend to cancer this past January but he is in his 30s so he handles things a lot differently than he did when he was in his teens and 20s.

Prayers for your ds. I know this is a difficult time for him!

 

[Robindianne]

Tell him it is okay to blow off this semester and come home. He can make arrangements with the college to either do add/drops and just be behind a semester. Life is more important than school.

This is what my son did when his friend died while they were free diving together. He went to each prof and asked what could be done from home via email and snail mail. He passed everything.

Re: my son's (and yours) grief, it is soooooooooo hard to watch him and be helpless. I have no answers. Only thoughts of peace and kindness. Can you and he talk in bed at night mentally (tell him you're doing it, get in bed and before you fall asleep, send him thoughts of love and peace and healing and good memories of his friend)? My son swore that helped.

Another thing that helped my son was his friend's father talking to him, gently, about life and the big picture. How one day they'd wake up and realize it hurt a little less, and a little less. And how he'd be with them forever, in the molecules they breath in that he breathed out, etc. That kind of gentleness. KWIM?

Oh I'm so sorry that he (and you) are going through this. So sorry. After 7 years my son says he's still different than he was before. Does that make sense?

My heart is with you both. You can pm me if you want and I will answer. Or maybe (big if) both young men want to share a similar experience and hear coping ideas, etc, we can put them in touch with each other. Or not. Whatever helps.
Please take good care of yourself. This is huge.