My ds(12) is driving me crazy

[homemaker]

My 12 yr old son will not do his homework! It has been about 2 years now and I think we have tried everything. Now, I have told him that it is up to him. I will not continue to fight with him or go to school and request missed work. I feel bad not being "involved", but we have tried everything to get him to just bring the work home. If he wants to stay back that just might be what happens. Is that wrong? What would you all do?

 

[NotUrsula]

I'm having the same problem; when you figure it out let me know.

Personally I'm inclined at this point to just let him take the consequences of failing 6th grade, but in this case those consequences amount to $5K that it will cost us to pay an extra year of tuition. I am REALLY incensed about that.

The best thing that has worked so far is old-fashioned shame. (We tried all the kinder things first to no avail; getting mean is our last resort.) Every time he brings home a zero we remind him that if he has to repeat the grade he will be a laughingstock. He's trying a bit harder. Not much, but a little bit, at least.

PS: His school posts grades online, so every time we see a zero we get the assignment from the teacher and make him do it anyway, even though he won't get a grade for it. It's punishment, but perhaps some of the material will actually seep into his brain.

 

[Darcy03231]

DS is 15 and we're still having this issue and have since middle school. So far the only thing that's worked for us is for me to email his teachers daily to find out what his assignments are and to sit him down at the kitchen table each night and make sure they're done. Of course he'll then forget to pass them in the next day Last semester he ended up with 2 D's, a C and a B. Its frustrating as I know he could do the work if he tried. We've tried everything and so far nothing has worked. I even take his paycheck every week so he knows what its like to work and have no money but that hasn't even phased him.

 

[HeatherC]

Our rule here is...homework right after school. (Snack first though.)

If they don't do their homework and keep their grades up, they won't get to do any extra-curricular activities.

Is he in sports or anything. Remember...he needs you to drive him and pay for them. If the work doesn't get done, then there can't be any play. It's an important life lesson for everyone.

I would make him sit at the kitchen table and do it right in front of me. No options. Don't yell or anything, but do not let him do anything until the homework is completed neatly and correctly.

Good luck to you!!

 

[Eeyore's-tail-tack]

I am in the same boat, but my son is 16 soon to be 17. I am broken down. Even the principal of his school is in agreement. As soon as we find a program that will teach life skills, he will be getting out of the traditional classroom. I feel sorry for the teachers who really want to teach our children, when the kids put forth no effort.

 

[GaSleepingBeautyFan]

Well, I did several things that have worked well for us.

First - the first zero for missing homework, he lost all video game priviledges until I saw the next weeks email from the teacher showing he did his homework for the rest of the week. He gave me grief when I did this and ended up fully grounded.

2nd - he had to do his homework in front of me at the kitchen table - didn't bring it home? Too bad, I made him sit at the kitchen table for 1 hour anyway and he lost TV time on top of video game time.

3rd - he was told next offense he was losing his cell phone for a month.

He was an easy case - within 3 weeks, he was doing all his homework and not forgetting it at school. He has forgotten it once since the "homework intervention" as I called it and he knew what the punishment would be. He didn't give me any grief that time.

 

[NotUrsula]

Our rule here is...homework right after school. (Snack first though.)

Which works fine if they bring it home. Mine tends not to, and swears that he didn't have any assigned that night. Since his teacher tends not to upgrade her web page until after 10 pm, we don't know if he's lying until it is too late.

If they don't do their homework and keep their grades up, they won't get to do any extra-curricular activities.

Is he in sports or anything. Remember...he needs you to drive him and pay for them. If the work doesn't get done, then there can't be any play. It's an important life lesson for everyone.

Nope, no extracurricular things. He doesn't have the grades to be eligible, you understand, and he doesn't want to play sports anyway.
This kid is a gamer. We've taken away screen time, but that is not particularly effective; he still forgets and/or lies about it.

I would make him sit at the kitchen table and do it right in front of me. No options. Don't yell or anything, but do not let him do anything until the homework is completed neatly and correctly.

Oh, we do, but this is a two-pronged problem, and I suspect that the OP has a similar issue.

I can make him do it, but I can't make him remember to take it to class and turn it in. If he forgets it in homeroom (their lockers are INSIDE their homeroom classrooms) then he gets an automatic 10% off. If he forgets it the next class, it's an automatic zero. DS is terminally disorganized, and forgets constantly. It doesn't help that the school has a flexible schedule, so that they don't have the same classes every day of the week. He'll forget what day it is and leave homeroom with an entire incorrect set of books/papers. We have suggested that he just carry EVERYTHING all day, but he's not allowed to do that -- they are not allowed to use bags to transport their things during the day; they have to carry it all in their hands.

 

[Sillyminny40]

Well, I did several things that have worked well for us.

First - the first zero for missing homework, he lost all video game priviledges until I saw the next weeks email from the teacher showing he did his homework for the rest of the week. He gave me grief when I did this and ended up fully grounded.

2nd - he had to do his homework in front of me at the kitchen table - didn't bring it home? Too bad, I made him sit at the kitchen table for 1 hour anyway and he lost TV time on top of video game time.

3rd - he was told next offense he was losing his cell phone for a month.

He was an easy case - within 3 weeks, he was doing all his homework and not forgetting it at school. He has forgotten it once since the "homework intervention" as I called it and he knew what the punishment would be. He didn't give me any grief that time.

Brilliant! This works with all 3 of my teen boys. Plus, email with the teacher before they even get home or check teacher's blog. I know before they even get home. If your teacher cannot help, they are not doing their job. You HAVE to do this 20 times to break child's bad habits. Be patience and keep after it>
I have had a few long drives back to the school but oh my it works!

 

[mjmoon]

Well, I did several things that have worked well for us.

First - the first zero for missing homework, he lost all video game priviledges until I saw the next weeks email from the teacher showing he did his homework for the rest of the week. He gave me grief when I did this and ended up fully grounded.

2nd - he had to do his homework in front of me at the kitchen table - didn't bring it home? Too bad, I made him sit at the kitchen table for 1 hour anyway and he lost TV time on top of video game time.

3rd - he was told next offense he was losing his cell phone for a month.

He was an easy case - within 3 weeks, he was doing all his homework and not forgetting it at school. He has forgotten it once since the "homework intervention" as I called it and he knew what the punishment would be. He didn't give me any grief that time.

I'm committing this to memory for if and when I have this issue with my boys!

 

[mjmoon]

I can make him do it, but I can't make him remember to take it to class and turn it in. If he forgets it in homeroom (their lockers are INSIDE their homeroom classrooms) then he gets an automatic 10% off. If he forgets it the next class, it's an automatic zero. DS is terminally disorganized, and forgets constantly. It doesn't help that the school has a flexible schedule, so that they don't have the same classes every day of the week. He'll forget what day it is and leave homeroom with an entire incorrect set of books/papers. We have suggested that he just carry EVERYTHING all day, but he's not allowed to do that -- they are not allowed to use bags to transport their things during the day; they have to carry it all in their hands.

This reminds me of me when I was in school. I never could get my stuff together. I've since learned this is a common trait among dyslexic kids (which I am) and kids with ADD (which I had as well) .I also had terrible confidence issues too so for me it was easier to just blow off the homework than to try and do it and fail anyway.

Before you say you know how intelligent your son is and you know he can do the work, that may not be the issue. My parents said that to me constantly. I didn't believe it. You may want to dig into why he is blowing off his homework. It may go beyond laziness and disorganization.

 

[NotUrsula]

Plus, email with the teacher before they even get home or check teacher's blog. I know before they even get home. If your teacher cannot help, they are not doing their job.

My school takes the POV that it is the student's responsibility to remember to complete and turn in homework, and also that it is their responsibility to write down the assignment when it is given in class. The teachers have a spot to post assignments online, but it is considered kind of a convenience thing -- they are not required to update it more often than once per week, and they are not required to give parents advance notice of any assignment. DS has Asperger's and gets the accomodation of having his assignments given to him in written form, because he writes very slowly and normally cannot fully copy down assignments in the time alloted.

When we first saw a zero in DS' weekly packet to be signed we sent mail and left a message for his teacher to ask for her help in solving the problem -- she replied two weeks (and 4 new zeroes) later, and her answer was, "It is W's responsibility to complete the work and turn it in on time. He knows that, and it is up to him to pay attention and stop blowing off my assignments. He had adequate time to do it and did not bother, so the consequence is failure." (The zero in question was on a HUGE homework project that they had 3 weeks to do. DS had claimed that it was due the same day it was assigned, and that he hadn't understood that until she asked for the papers at the end of class that day. The truth was that he hadn't bothered to even read the handout -- he just shoved it in his locker and forgot about it. He couldn't do it overnight for partial credit even if he wanted to b/c it was due the last day before Xmas break.)

I have to say that I agree with the teacher, in principle. My parents would never have DREAMED of standing over me to force me to do my homework -- they would have let me fail and let the school handle it as they saw fit. However, my parents were not looking at spending an extra $5K for every repeated year that I might have taken it into my head to not care about. I'm really torn between stepping back to let him take the natural consequences and strangling him over the $5K.

This reminds me of me when I was in school. I never could get my stuff together. I've since learned this is a common trait among dyslexic kids (which I am) and kids with ADD (which I had as well) .I also had terrible confidence issues too so for me it was easier to just blow off the homework than to try and do it and fail anyway.

Before you say you know how intelligent your son is and you know he can do the work, that may not be the issue. My parents said that to me constantly. I didn't believe it. You may want to dig into why he is blowing off his homework. It may go beyond laziness and disorganization.

Oh, it does go beyond it. He thinks that English Lit is stupid and a waste of time. Not doing things that he considers stupid is a "normal" Asperger's trait, but it is one that he has to learn is unacceptable where schoolwork is concerned. The trick is teaching that point in way that will stick. Every week he is remorseful and promises to do better, and every week he backslides as soon as the embarassment of getting caught fades away.

 

[bookwormde]

It is time for a little detective work, find out the reasons/series of events that course the homework not to get home and or done.

This can often give clues that it is not just an “I do not want to do it” situation. There can be a lot of leaning differentials or Executive function differentials that can also cause these issues and if it is from one of these sources no amount of enticement will fix the issue. Once identified the school should be able to offer supports and ideas for home to help.

bookwormde

 

[mjmoon]

Oh, it does go beyond it. He thinks that English Lit is stupid and a waste of time. Not doing things that he considers stupid is a "normal" Asperger's trait, but it is one that he has to learn is unacceptable where schoolwork is concerned. The trick is teaching that point in way that will stick. Every week he is remorseful and promises to do better, and every week he backslides as soon as the embarassment of getting caught fades away.

Ouch! That certainly makes things more difficult. I wish I had some advice for you but I have no experience with Asperger's at all.

Is he integrated into regular classes? If so, perhaps the teachers approach when it comes to homework (a sound approach) isn't an effective one for someone with his condition? While I'm sure he is capable of doing the work just like everyone else, he may require some creative treatment to get him interested in the subjects.

 

[duffy]

My 13-year old daughter will occasionally miss an assignment that will bring her grades down. Pure carelessness on her part.

Being that this is a Disney board, I'd suggest anyone who is planning a trip use that as an ultimate weapon: tell him/her she can't come unless...(fill in the blank.)

I've told my daughter that. She MUST keep her grades up. And she knows I mean it. As painful as it would be, I would leave her with a relative. If we had no relative to leave her with, I would cancel the trip--and let her know that we cancelled so she can get her school work done. Even if it's summer time and she isn't missing school, if she has bad grades and we were planning to go during summer vacation, I'd make her know that she has to stay home and learn what she didn't learn in school.

 

[ilandrazdsw]

Homework...UGH.
DS is in 1st grade and we are already having "issues." I finally told the teacher I don't care! Fortunately DS' teacher was right along with me and we are moving so he'll be repeating the grade anyway. Personally I think kids get too much homework that are taking away from childhood activities (Yes, I even think MS/HS had a bit much HW in many cases). But we did try a different approach too. DS now has to earn just about EVERYTHING! TV, games, playtime...do what you are supposed to do and then you get something fun.

 

[momlady]

I had issues similar to OP's with my 10 y.o. and it is an ongoing thing to keep him on track and semi-organized, but his teachers are fully on board with this and email me regularly when he seems to be veering off-course. I'm grateful to them because I get the "nope, no homework tonight" thing on a regular basis -- luckily I know better!

A couple of things come to mind -- has he been tested for learning disabilities, for ADD/ADHD? What is his end of day routine? We had issues with bringing stuff home because DS had to run to catch the bus after school and the driver waited for NO ONE! Once we got that figured out things were a bit better. I would think that cooperation between home and school on a specific plan of action might be helpful; for example, a verbal reminder from the teacher about which assignments to bring home, checking his agenda to make sure things are written down, you checking his stuff when he walks in the door, and then again the next day to make sure the stuff is in his bag...and teacher asking him specifically for it. I'm betting he will NOT like the extra "attention" and if he is able (i.e. if he has no issues like ADD, etc) he will soon start taking care of this, if only to stop teacher saying "X, do you have your science?"

My DS has a locker that looks like a tornado hit it...every once in a while I will go pick him up after school and make him clean it out. He still loses things but with both sides on top of it things are progressing!

I might suggest an IEP for him that stresses organizational skills also.

NotUrsula, it's unfortunate with the $$ you are handing over to the school, that they can't be more helpful than brushing the problem aside. Your DS obviously needs assistance, especially with the Asperger's making things even more difficult. They are not doing him any favours by saying "sorry, it's his problem." I'd be at the end of my road with that sort of "cooperation"...

 

[dznygurl]

Well....we have the saying in my house "We'll give you what you want when you give us what we want"....We want good grades and behavior. DS13 wants his cell phone, ipod, and computer privileges. Simple as that. I check grades online two to three times a week. If his averages fall too low, we start taking away his "life".

This has really worked for us....

 

[badblackpug]

We have had the same issue with my oldest. What we did was a "daily behavior report." Essentially this meant that this "report" has to be signed by each teacher every day. If it was not signed then she went directly to her room after school and only came out for dinner. Of course, you have to make sure he/she has an empty room (no TV, phone, computer, radio, etc) 2 or more unsigned reports meant spending the entire weekend in her room. Basically we made a bunch of copies of the "report" and it was her job to get them signed by each teacher daily. No excuses. it looked like this

Date:

Dear ___________ (fill in teachers' name)

This is a daily report designed to monitor (child's name's) progress in your class. Please sign below only if ALL the following conditions have been met.

1) All assignments have been completed and turned in on time.
2) (child's name) has participated appropriately in class.
3) (child's name) has had no behavior problems.

Thank you for taking the time to review this. Comments are welcome, but not necessary.

(parent's signature)


____________________ (teacher's signature)



Of course, you alter the objectives to meet your child's particular needs.

 

[ilandrazdsw]

NotUrsula, it's unfortunate with the $$ you are handing over to the school, that they can't be more helpful than brushing the problem aside. Your DS obviously needs assistance, especially with the Asperger's making things even more difficult. They are not doing him any favours by saying "sorry, it's his problem." I'd be at the end of my road with that sort of "cooperation"...

Sounds like it is time to call an IEP meeting for organizational skills and possibly a few more accommodations. Teachers have a tendency to expect all students to be able to function on the same level and forget that not all students learn/organize the same way. Some students are ultra organized and self-motivated, while others need constant reminders or to be taught how to organize what they are responsible for and how to self-motivate...sometimes teachers/administration needs to be reminded of this. Good Luck

 

[sk!mom]

Well, I did several things that have worked well for us.

First - the first zero for missing homework, he lost all video game priviledges until I saw the next weeks email from the teacher showing he did his homework for the rest of the week. He gave me grief when I did this and ended up fully grounded.

2nd - he had to do his homework in front of me at the kitchen table - didn't bring it home? Too bad, I made him sit at the kitchen table for 1 hour anyway and he lost TV time on top of video game time.

3rd - he was told next offense he was losing his cell phone for a month.

He was an easy case - within 3 weeks, he was doing all his homework and not forgetting it at school. He has forgotten it once since the "homework intervention" as I called it and he knew what the punishment would be. He didn't give me any grief that time.

We used similar strategies with our DS. He had to sit at the kitchen table and study whether he brought anything home or not. He eventually graduated HS with honors. It was butt kicking all the way though.

I do not recommend that the OP give up. He may need to repeat the grade but you must be diligent as a parent.

My DS was also a gamer. We eventually banned video games Monday-Thursday. I had a friend who took it further and banned them for the entire school year. Only allowing school vacations.