My DD is sick over her college decision & we don't know how to help her. (very long)

[winnapooh]

I have 2 DD's that will be entering college in the fall. I also have one that will be a senior - I'm not sure how I got to be the mom of college age children, but I did.

Anyway, one of my twins has decided on her college. Deposit sent in & we're moving forward with all the preparations.

My other twin is just sick with worry about making the right decision. She is trying to choose between 2 colleges. She is going for physical therapy. One is a local state university that is a great school. It is also a competitive school & she is not automatically in the PT department. She will need to apply to get in to it in 3 years.

The 2nd school is a small private school about an hour away that is the perfect fit for her. It is difficult to get in to their PT program, but she has already been accepted in to it. I'm sure she would excel at this school.

We have visited both schools twice. She absolutely loves the private school but she is extremely nervous about going away. She is afraid she will be too homesick. She also is nervous that she won't want to stay in PT & is afraid it will be difficult to change her major - this is even after talking to some students last week that did change their major with no difficulty.

She likes the state university, but is petrified she won't get in to the PT program when the time comes. But.............she likes the fact that she could change her major & have many choices if it should come to that. Plus, she would stay home & keep her current job.

When I say she is torn, she is sick with worry. She was in tears last night. DH & I don't know what to do to help her. We have listed the pros & cons of each school numerous times. We have talked over & over about how each path will give her different options.

She has talked with friends that are in the private school who she knows that said it is difficult to go away at first, but they are so glad they did it. I told her worst case scenario, she stays 5 nights in a row at the college, comes home on the weekends & then transfers to the state school after her first semester or the first year if she really, really hates it. My sister also lives only a few minutes away from the campus & would be there in a minute if my DD needed her.

Honestly, I know her............she will have a difficult time at first..............
but once she adjusts I know she would love it. But.................as a parent, I don't want to push her in to a situation that is going to make her physically ill. She is the same kid that threw up on the first day of 1st grade because she was going to a new school. Also the same kid that used to vomit before she had a test when she was younger. She's also the same kid that would not sleep over at anyone's house until about 3 or 4 years ago because she claims that one night at a sleepover in 2nd grade she was up "all night" because she wanted to come home but was afraid to wake anyone up.

She is a perfectionist & has always been afraid to make a mistake - seriously. She would not answer questions when she was younger even if she knew the answer because she's was afraid of being wrong. We worked with her & she is better with that. She is afraid of making decisions because it might not be the "perfect" decision. We have told her that there is no right or wrong decision, just different decisions that will be perfect for her regardless of what it is.

If it was 2 local schools we would seriously just tell her this is where you're going & that's it. However, because it's one local & one that is away it creates a completely different situation. Do we tell her to go to the private school & force her to go away, or do we tell her to go to local university & then she misses going away - especially knowing this is really where she wants to go?

She sits with us in tears & says that she really loves the private school & can see herself there, but "what if I want to change my major & what if I am too homesick". Then she says, "I think the state school will be better because I will have more options & then I am home............but what if regret not going away when I really love the private school."

She is literally making herself sick over this & we don't know what to do. We go from trying to console her, then sitting & talking logically with her, then getting angry that she won't make a decision & then back to consoling.

She wants to go to college, so it's not because she's afraid or doesn't want to go at all. She has a great scholarship at both schools.

If you stayed with me through this "book" thanks..............I'm just looking to vent & "talk" to others instead of just her & my DH.

You could suggest that she do what I did when I had to pick a grad school (the choice was down to two that I really wanted to go to). For me, it was literally the last day that I could possibly wait to tell the schools. I decided the night before that the first place I thought of when I woke up is where I would go. And that's exactly what I did. I then immediately contacted the schools to let them know, before I could think more about it.

 

[MELSMICE]

Not to sound callous, but your daughter needs to learn to not keep getting sick whenever there's a major change in her life. Will she throw up the night before her wedding? Will she get sick the first time she has to change a diaper? These are the things which are coming up for her, and which she needs to be ready to face. She's not going to learn that sort of independence by being closer to you. Not only would I strongly encourage her to go away to school, I would strongly encourage you not to let her come home every weekend, even if you really want her to.

As to how you convince someone who gets sick with nervousness and hyperventilates...well, this is going to sound even more callous, but the same way you deal with a horse that's terrified of something silly like a garbage can. You ignore it and them and just keep walking as if nothing has happened. You let them hyperventilate and freak out and throw up. It's not going to kill them. And you don't help them. No one will be there to help her at school, except, perhaps, the good friends you hope she'll make. You most definitely do not try to calm them because then they know that they can get a good reaction out of you by acting all worked up. They want you to care for them forever, you want them to care for themselves. At some point, you must let them deal with it.

Yes, it's hard. We all hate to see our loved ones struggle. But I guarantee you, the faster you turn away from it, the faster it will clear up on its own.

She's an adult now. Adults do not run to their parents for help. Adults do not "get sick" with worry, because they don't have the time or energy to waste on such things. Adults don't have the luxury of anyone to clean up after them when they don't get things done because they're too nervous to move forward. It's time for you to let her move on, or more accurately, to let the door smack her in the behind on her way out.

I can appreciate your thoughts. We just have chosen to handle things in a different manner in our house.

We have told her on numerous occasions that this is an adult decision & she need to be an adult about it. I can not take away her insecurities though as much as I would love to.

She has been in uncomfortable situations in her life that she was very leary about doing but we told her that life isn't easy & you need to get over your fears & move forward.

She is in a leadership class at school & also on student government. She has admitted to us that these are the best things she has ever done. She said it has moved her out of comfort zone. She has run activities at school that have shocked me with her confidence in doing so.

Just as my parents support us as adults when we come to them with questions on different situations I will support my kids as they move in to adult hood.

I am not going to shove her out the door & say you're and adult now. Deal with it & move on. On some things I would say "get a grip, get over it & move on", but this is a huge decision & I don't feel comfortable doing that to her.

 

[SDFgirl]

I bolded the 2 items above because we have said this over & over & over again. We have told her that nothing is written in stone & if it's not right for her she can transfer to the state university. We told her if she doesn't give it a shot she'll never know. I am 99.9% sure she would love it once she got adjusted.

Knowing what type of kid she is we looked right at her & asked if she wanted our opinion. We both have told her that we feel the private school is the better decision for her, but the ultimate decision is up to her.

Our dilemma at this point - we seriously don't know what else to do. We are heading out of town at the end of the week for 2+ weeks & told our twins that the decision had to be made before we left. She gave an April 1 deadline. Her twin made the decision & moved on to preparations for the next stage! This DD is struggling so much.

We've hugged her & told her either decision will be the right one for her. We've told her we see the private school as a better option. It's like a vicious cycle she can't get herself out of mentally.

Do we force her to go away & then she hates it? She's afraid she'll regret staying home. We told her there are no regrets in life, just different paths. UGH.

Thanks for letting me "talk"!

I'm sorry she's having such a tough time. Have you talked with her doctor about a low dose of an anti-anxiety med to help smooth out the rough edges?

I had some postpartum anxiety after DD1 was born. It manifested itself in the same way. Physical symptoms. I felt sick to my stomach ALL THE TIME and sometimes couldn't get a deep breath. My OB prescribed 50mg of Zoloft and it was like a night and day difference. I know anxiety meds are a touchy subject. I had this mindset that I wasn't the kind of person who would go on mood medication...but I was desperate. Now I will never knock them again...so maybe something to think about?

Also how about giving her a deadline to make the decision for herself...and then if she hasn't made a decision by {insert date}, you will be making it for her.

 

[freckles and boo]

Something that might help your DD is some time talking w/ someone regarding anxiety issues. It seems like some generalized anxiety underlies all of the things she's struggling with. A few sessions w/ a therapist might be just the ticket to help her move far enough along to make her decision & get her started in the fall.

Very best of luck to all of you. Hope to read some "brag" posts in the future about how well college is going for all of your DD's, and how well set they are for great careers.

I agree. This isn't just about picking a school. It is about the fear of being "wrong". It probably isn't going just get better all by itself. There are plenty of other decisions to make and changes to adjust to once she gets to school. If she can't get her "worry" under control she is going to have a tough time.

 

[Hoodie]

Encourage her to go to the private school. I not only changed schools after my freshman year but also changed majors (and still graduated in 4 years. Yes, it can be done) I was a 17 year old freshman and I was pretty miserable my first year. I came out of it a much better person though.

It's really a kid's first "big" decision. Unfortunately, there's no real way to find out if it's the right choice or not until she makes it. Just remind her that everything can be changed later if it doesn't work out. It's certainly not permanent.

Also, I'm a big believer in having the child live away regardless of how close the school is. If you add in that you expect her to live in the dorm at the state school as well, that may take that "con" away on the private school list.

 

[klacey1]

Sounds like she needs to go away, make a few mistakes and realize she won't die nor will the world end.

I completely agree. I would keep telling her to go to the private school, and that if she is having that much trouble deciding, you will decide for her.

 

[dispor]

Is her twin ging away to school? Do you think some of her anxiety is being separated from her?

Is there any chance she could live with your sister for the first semester of the private school? Maybe once she made friends in class, she'd feel more comfortable moving to the dorms.

I don't know how their classes are scheduled, but if she could attend only on MWF, she could even commute from home.

 

[luvsmickeymouse]

I would choose the private school. My oldest son chose a private school over the state university. He too, was an hour away, just far enough away to live away from home, yet close enough to come home on the weekends. At first he was VERY homesick, but as time went on it got easier and he came home less weekends. It was a great experience.

My youngest son was like your daughter, sick with worry over the school he had gotten accepted to. He didn't end up going there, but went to the local university. He worried and worried. Then he and I talked and he decided he didn't want to be so far from home, it would have been 3-4 hours. He was like a new person, the worry was gone and the local college was a perfect fit.

 

[lspst8]

I was probably a lot like you daughter back in 1997 when I had to decide where to go to college. I'm a worrier and list-maker and tend to over analyze things, so picking a school was A HUGE DEAL to me. I picked a college about 6 hours from home. They had an orientation weekend in July, and I freaked out. I left half-way thru the weekend and made my parents drive me all the way home. I just knew that there was no way I was going to be able to go to school there.

On Monday I started calling a couple of the more local colleges to see if it was too late to apply. Lucky for me, there are probably 15 colleges within 1 hour of my parents' house. Most of the state schools would still consider me. I went to visit 3 school that week. I ended up at one of those 3, and they even gave me some scholarship money! (I bet if I would have applied there originally, I would have gotten close to a full ride.)

I think the cold-feet is much more common than you hear about. One of my high school friends transferred to a school back here after only one semester away at her "dream" school. One of my sister's friends bought a plane ticket back home after only 2 days at her college in Florida.

I would advise your daughter to live on campus no matter where she goes to school. It is so much easier to make friends living in the dorms. Even if she goes to college in your town, it is so much easier to feel a part of the school if you live there. My good friends from college are all girls I lived with or near, not people from classes.

 

[mrsklamc]

I started at private school and transferred to state school. In no way was the private school worth the $$.

If she got into the selective private school's program, she shouldn't have any worries about getting in to the state school's program.

It sounded like she was split about 50/50, and you didn't mention the cost. I would tell her to add up the prices in tuition and see if that weighs in her decision. Cost is the one thing about college I wish I had considered more.

 

[DVC Kathy]

One of my father's favorite comments growing up was "make a decision, even if it's wrong". Growing up I really, really hated hearing that, but as an adult, one who still would prefer perfection, I appreciate the wisdom. Once the decision is made a lot of the pressure is off. Very few choices are irrevocable, so you have time to reevaluate and change your mind.

I have two stories about starting college. One is my niece, the other a cousin's daughter. My niece found out at the last minute that there wasn't enough funding for her to go to her college of choice. She very hurriedly decided on a local private college, where she could commute. (She had been accepted earlier.) She dropped out after a semester, and she has significant loans from that one semester. After a year and a half of working, she's ready to go back to school full time - at a local public university in a different field.

My cousin's daughter decided in early August that she didn't want to go so far away from home after all. She stayed home, took courses at the local community college, and started at a local college the following fall.

I think my cousin's daughter took the smarter route, but I think my niece has learned a lot more than if her path to college was direct. There are no wrong choices. The only bad choice is not to learn from the path you take.

Good luck to your daughter. I can really sympathize with her fears. Perhaps a few talks with a therapist - and maybe some anxiety meds - would help.

Kathy

 

[MELSMICE]

One of my father's favorite comments growing up was "make a decision, even if it's wrong".

LOL - sounds similar to what we've been telling her, which is "there are no wrong decisions, only different paths" and also, "make a decision & move forward, don't look back."

I think some of you posters should come & reiterate what we've been telling her over & over again!

 

[DVC Kathy]

After all, parent's don't know anything, do they?

 

[DisneyMim]

I'm just going to say what a lot of others have already said. It's very hard, but they have to make the decision themselves. My son choose a college that I knew was the wrong choice for him. I told him how I felt and also told him that I would accept and be happy about whatever choice he made. He went to a private college an hour away. The distance wasn't the problem, but he ended up hating the school (big surprise). He changed majors and they didn't have what he really wanted and the school wasn't what he thought. The day he called me and said "Mom you were right", I made him say it again and he just laughed. He then transferred to another private college (MUCH bigger) and he LOVES it. It's closer to home. He has spent time living at home, in an apartment, and is now studying abroad in London. I truly believe his freshman year taught him many valuable lessons. The biggest thing I can tell your daughter and everyone else is NOTHING IS SET IN STONE, YOU CAN TRANSFER.
I don't think most HS kids even think of that, but the reality is they are so young. My son started college at 17. It takes time to really find what you want, and we as parents need to let them make their own decision, while gently guiding them. It's very hard, I know. Best of Luck!!

 

[minniecarousel]

As for needing to change colleges - neither of my DSs got their degrees at the college they started at.

And today, they are in dependant, employed, married men.

 

[MELSMICE]

After all, parent's don't know anything, do they?

Of course we don't - mine didn't either.............until I got married & had my owns kids. Then they seemed to know a lot more each year as time went on!

 

[cats mom]

Maybe I'm off base; but I get the feeling that like the majority of posters on this thread, everyone around her seems to feel fairly strongly that she should choose the private school.

ie: a quick skim through this thread looks to me like a few neutral posts, only 2 pointing out the positives of the local school, and 12 pointing out the positives of the private school.

So while your DD is being told that the choice is hers, do you think some of the inner turmoil she's experiencing could be due to the fact that she doesn't want to disappoint her parents, her aunt, etc. by choosing the local school?

I realize we have limited background info, but my first thought was that staying home and keeping her job may not be such a bad choice for her.

There are so many important decisions to be made at that age. Good Luck to her and to you OP.

BTW, I'm still trying to figure out how someone as young as I perceive myself to be could possibly have college age kids. Crazy how that happens, huh?

 

[NMAmy]

Here's what I would try--

Write the names of each school on a separate small piece of paper and put them in a hat. Have her pull one out of the hat.

Now ask her how she feels about attending that school--her first initial gut decision. Did she immediately wish that she had drawn the other school or was she really happy she'd drawn the first one?

It seems very simplistic but it works for me when I'm having a hard time making a decision and I was a bit like your dd when I was young. It boils the whole situation down to following my gut reactions which are usually correct.

I know this is a difficult situation for you, as well. I hope it works out soon.

 

[Debbie7452]

Your DD sounds so much like mine. She is super smart, wonderful, and a complete perfectionist. She started having panic attacks of hyperventilating and crying spells at school. It was always related to the fear of making a mistake on something. I recently took her to a Dr. about it and she got some Zoloft and it really has helped her be calmer. Best of all...there were no noticeable side effects.

She did ask me to make the appointment. She was tired of losing control of her emotions at school and it was embarrassing her. I resisted the idea for quite a while, but I'm on board now. She is much happier...

I'm NOT trying to diagnose your daughter with anything...just relating my experiences with a similar daughter. DD is a sophomore in high school. She is being hounded by colleges already. Lucky for us, she has a good idea where she wants to go!

 

[PixieTopaz]

Why cant she commute to the private school an hour away?
Really-I know lots who do that.

Or tell her she can come home on Wdnesday nights to break up the week?

I dont think an hour away is that big a deal