My college freshman is miserable. (sob) LONG

[CraftyMouse]

First, I'm glad that your DS seems to be doing a bit better today. I am sure he will be fine, given some time.

So anyway, there was no way I could sleep after that so I texted him and we ended up having a very positive conversation that way. (silly I know, but I'll take it anyway I can get it)

DD16 and I often have conversations over AIM...when we are both at home. There are just times where it works better to have that text-based conversation. You don't tend to get off track or mired in emotions and you can really focus on the issue. Usually, once the topic has been given a surface discussion via text we are better able to actually converse about it. (FWIW, we also seem to have some of our best discussions in the car...when one of us can't walk away yet there isn't direct eye contact.) As you say...any way you can get it!

 

[aka-mad4themouse]

to you, OP!

My DD just started at at large, East Coast Catholic university this week, too! She's commuting and I'm concerned that she won't get the full college experience if she treats school like 13th grade. I've hardly seen her since Thursday afternoon. They have these kids busy with orientation until 11:00 pm every night.

There are no other kids from her graduating class at this school. The same could be said about most of the other 1600+ freshmen. She'll make new friends and so will your DS. It's going to take time. Our kids are just nervous and scared about the unknown. For the first time since kindergarten, my DD is going to school with a whole new group of kids. It can't be easy doing this AND learning to cope on your own AND facing the pressure of competing with academically talented people for that A.

Something that one of the priests told the parents at orientation was to send letters. Not email, PMs or text messages. They suggest good, old-fashioned letters. With pictures from home. And newpaper clippings from the local paper. And packages with cookies. Homemade cookies. Or brownies. Enough to share with the entire floor. It's a great way to make friends. A package from home with cookies is a guarantee that you'll meet people and make friends.

Listen to your DS if he wants to vent. Offer your support and sympathy. And let him know that he is loved.

 

[N&B'smom]

I'm thinking of all if you. I'm sure it's tough. What area is he in?

How about a care package with some fresh baked cookies? Or something else special?


Shelby

 

[barkley]

DS wouldn't even go check the school out beforehand so when we brought him there for freshman orientation, that was the first time any of us had seen it. And you're right, he absolutely doesn't want to be there, but it was the school he chose. Money wasn't the issue and we told him that repeatedly but his feeling was that he didn't get into his first choices of schools so what difference did it make where he actually ended up going. In hindsight, it made a huge difference.

I cannot tell you all what a source of comfort each and every one of you has been to us with your support and sharing your experiences. I love hearing all your stories and it truly has helped.

Just to answer some of the questions: I do think he is exagerrating the drinking part a bit but I think it stems from his feeling so disconnected as well.

The school he's going to is Duquesne University in Pittsburgh --8 hours away from us here in CT. He got accepted into Pitt and Syracuse as well. DH and I both favored Syracuse and many of his friends were also going there, but he didn't want to go there.

OK---a little update. Before going to bed last night, I texted him just to say good night, I love you, etc. He texted back with "I need help". That was it--I immediately called him and could hear the misery in his voice. His dad and I both talked to him an tried to explain that he had to give it time, wait until classes start, etc. but then he cut us off saying he was going to bed. He did mention that he was in his room (by himself) for a good part of the day because he couldn't find his group to do a tour of the city and didn't know what else to do. Last night they had a dance and he didn't go to that either. (which is fine because he's not dance type of kid). So anyway, there was no way I could sleep after that so I texted him and we ended up having a very positive conversation that way. (silly I know, but I'll take it anyway I can get it) I told him how proud I was of him for having such high standards but that he shouldn't judge people, he needed to lighten up a bit and force himself to engage. He was much more receptive and ended the conversation telling me he loved me. I felt much better after that and I think he did, too.

As someone mentioned, I do think the orientation is just a little too long--at least for him. They've had almost an entire week of it. But tomorrow he starts classes so I'm praying that will help a lot. Please pray for him as well if you can find it in your hearts.

Again, thanks so much for your support. It is truly helping me get through this.

just want to say kuddos for telling your son to lighten up on his judgement of others. your son sounds allot like my best friend's son-held himself to very high standards. in highschool he did'nt encounter any problems because he was friends with people from his local church that over the years he had drifted towards naturaly because they shared the same standards. college initialy was very hard for him-he just assumed that because he was going to a university affiliated with his faith he would 'finaly' be surrounded by people who all shared his behaviours. was'nt that way and he became very frustrated. both mom and dad had to keep telling him that he had to give people a chance and get involved in the activities he enjoyed so he could be exposed to people who he knew shared at least that common interest. as a result he found that his initial impressions of some were wrong (though some were right)-but he started making friends and feeling more positive.

i wish your son's school had done the type of parent's class that was required at best friend's son's. the parents had to attend a seminar that talked exactly about this kind of issue as well as others that come up with a freshman that goes away from home. she gained some incredible knowledge that realy helped her be prepared when these issues came up.

 

[smartestnumber5]

DS wouldn't even go check the school out beforehand so when we brought him there for freshman orientation, that was the first time any of us had seen it. And you're right, he absolutely doesn't want to be there, but it was the school he chose. Money wasn't the issue and we told him that repeatedly but his feeling was that he didn't get into his first choices of schools so what difference did it make where he actually ended up going. In hindsight, it made a huge difference.

You know I had a similar kind of thing going on when I was a college freshman. I was rejected and waitlisted at my top two choices. I got in to all the others, but my 3rd and 4th choice the financial stuff was not nearly as good as at my two last choices (where I got merit scholarships). My parents left the decision up to me, but they made clear that if I chose my 3rd or 4th choice I would be responsible for a bigger part of the bill as well as taking loans and paying for my own books, spending $, car insurance, etc; they strongly advised against taking on that burden. So I went with my one of my last choices. I also had that sense of "I didn't get into the school I wanted so what does it matter where I go--it's going to suck anyway."

After a rocky first year, though, I ended up having a really good college experience. I had wanted to go to Princeton and I ended up at a small liberal arts school instead. Looking back I realize it was really good for me to be at a small school because I got to be a "big fish in a small pond" and I was on the shy side so I needed that. I also was able to develop really close academic relationships with some of the professors there--something that I think was very unlikely to happen at Princeton where graduate students have to be first priority. And actually, knowing what I know now about some of the departments at Princeton I may have been involved with, I am darn glad I didn't go there for undergrad or grad school.

So even though he probably can't imagine ever being happy there or ever looking back 8 years later and being glad he went there, it can happen.

Also is he in touch with any high school friends right now? I know you said a lot of them are going to schools where they'll know some students, but there are probably kids who are going through the same thing he is. I know it helped me to commiserate with my high school friends at other schools who were going through the same thing I was. Actually, as I mentioned in an earlier post, it ended up that some of those friends decided to transfer after a year to be closer to home and to be at a school where a high school friend was going. Well, I think they found out that that situation wasn't all rosy either. That school was more expensive so they had to live with their parents which meant that they were still not that socially involved on campus and hence drifted apart from the high school friends who did live on campus. By the time they graduated two of them had drifted apart and two of them had become out and out enemies and they had never really gotten to meet new people on campus or get involved with campus activities. Witnessing that really made me appreciate my college experience. It might not have been perfect, but that alternative was even less so (for me).

 

[golfgal]

I don't think there's any comparison between a new job and college. Most people don't live, eat, sleep, shower, etc. at their new job. Most people go to work for 8 hours-ish, then come home to their apartment/house and do their thing. Going away to college (and living in a dorm) is like being at work with no friends 24/7. You don't get to go home to your own place where maybe your kids/pets/spouse are waiting. If you're depressed you can't just come home and zone out in front of the tv or have a good cry, because you're sharing a 10 by 10 room with a total stranger who might not appreciate your tv zoning or who might think you're a moron for crying or who might be having a drinking party in your room. (I've done both the dorm thing and the own apartment thing in a new place where I didn't know anyone and the own apartment thing is a million times better. I think a lot of the stress of college is that you have absolutely no privacy ever and your happiness level is constantly at the mercy of another person.)

And while most people may not know anyone at their job (where they work only 8 hours a day), plenty of people get jobs while continuing to live in an area where they already know other people and/or have familial relationships and/or have a significant other/partner/spouse. Every member of my family other than me and my brother has never lived outside of the same 15 mile radius (by intentional choice). Other than the involuntary serving in the military a few of them did, none of them have never had the experience of moving across the country and being completely alone. None of them wanted that experience and so none of them chose it (some of them went to great lengths--breaking off an engagement--in order to ensure that they would not have to leave that area). I don't think they are any less grown up for not having had that experience.

You also don't have RA's, social committees, and a dorm full of kids the same age preparing activities so everyone gets to know you at a new job either. Most kids don't come into their first job with a spouse to come home to and they often move away not knowing anyone. College is a good stepping stone for dealing with adulthood and changes. I think EVERYONE should move away from home once in their life, it is a good learning/growing experience everyone should have.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

Hi OP,

Wow I live here in Pittsburgh and had many friends attend Duquesne. I never thought it was the atmosphere you describe. I am in no way doubting you, but wow!

My kids are still little, so I have no advice. I wish he would try and make an attempt to meet someone though. All he would need is 1 person to connect to and things may start to turn around.

Hopefully, when school starts, things will turn around. to you and your son.

 

[barkley]

You know I had a similar kind of thing going on when I was a college freshman. I was rejected and waitlisted at my top two choices. I got in to all the others, but my 3rd and 4th choice the financial stuff was not nearly as good as at my two last choices (where I got merit scholarships). My parents left the decision up to me, but they made clear that if I chose my 3rd or 4th choice I would be responsible for a bigger part of the bill as well as taking loans and paying for my own books, spending $, car insurance, etc; they strongly advised against taking on that burden. So I went with my one of my last choices. I also had that sense of "I didn't get into the school I wanted so what does it matter where I go--it's going to suck anyway."

After a rocky first year, though, I ended up having a really good college experience. I had wanted to go to Princeton and I ended up at a small liberal arts school instead. Looking back I realize it was really good for me to be at a small school because I got to be a "big fish in a small pond" and I was on the shy side so I needed that. I also was able to develop really close academic relationships with some of the professors there--something that I think was very unlikely to happen at Princeton where graduate students have to be first priority. And actually, knowing what I know now about some of the departments at Princeton I may have been involved with, I am darn glad I didn't go there for undergrad or grad school.

So even though he probably can't imagine ever being happy there or ever looking back 8 years later and being glad he went there, it can happen.

Also is he in touch with any high school friends right now? I know you said a lot of them are going to schools where they'll know some students, but there are probably kids who are going through the same thing he is. I know it helped me to commiserate with my high school friends at other schools who were going through the same thing I was. Actually, as I mentioned in an earlier post, it ended up that some of those friends decided to transfer after a year to be closer to home and to be at a school where a high school friend was going. Well, I think they found out that that situation wasn't all rosy either. That school was more expensive so they had to live with their parents which meant that they were still not that socially involved on campus and hence drifted apart from the high school friends who did live on campus. By the time they graduated two of them had drifted apart and two of them had become out and out enemies and they had never really gotten to meet new people on campus or get involved with campus activities. Witnessing that really made me appreciate my college experience. It might not have been perfect, but that alternative was even less so (for me).

excellent point

op-did your son ever visit his top choices? if he did'nt he may have been in the same boat there-the place, the people not living up to his expectations. college campuses are rarely as they appear in the brochures, the videos or even on potential applicant days (we were always threatened to be on our best behaviour ).

babysitter's dd did get accepted into one of her top picks-with a massive scholarship to go with it. she and her parents were so glad that she ended up going and visiting the place informaly beforehand (but after acceptance)-she found out it was nothing like she perceived. she had chosen it based on it's reputation and the praises of past alum in her parish (catholic college). when she went to visit she realized that while the educational standards were still top notch the social scene on the campus was way outside her comfort zone. she ended up attending one of her 'back up' choices-got a wonderful education and a tremendously positive college experience.

 

[TimeforMe]

Hi OP,

Wow I live here in Pittsburgh and had many friends attend Duquesne. I never thought it was the atmosphere you describe. I am in no way doubting you, but wow!

It didn't even occur to me either but after doing some research online, a lot of the comments from students confirmed it, too. Although I really don't think it's as bad as he's making it out to be. Plus it was freshmen only there and their first taste of freedom/independence.

 

[aka-mad4themouse]

Duquesne is also in the same area as Pitt and CMU. They're all starting orientation at the same time. And like you said, that means a lot of young adults who are tasting total freedom from parental control for the first time in their lives. What he's not seeing are the kids like himself who are also avoiding that scene. Hopefully, there will be some sort of activities fair this week so that he can seek out some clubs that interest him. The upperclassmen who run those clubs can be a great source of information and comfort for freshmen.

I'll keep him in my thoughts. It's a beautiful day in the 'Burgh today, according to my mom. I hope he gets outside & enjoys it. From someone who grew up there, I know that gorgeous weather is something rare and to be savored.

 

[shamrock30]

I also grew up in CT and went to college in Pittsburgh, and was a quiet, shy, non-drinker. I think a week of orientation as a Freshman is way too long. I'll bet your son starts feeling much better once classes start. Pittsburghers are a friendly lot. I wasn't wild about the city itself, but the people tend to be very nice. They don't have the reserve that people in the New England tend to have.

He may eventually decide this isn't the school for him, but if at all possible, encourage him to stick out the semester and then transfer if he wants to. I think it's way too early for him to be forming an opinion.

 

[TimeforMe]

excellent point

op-did your son ever visit his top choices?

He visited his number one (Tulane in New Orleans) but not the other 2 although his sister did. I'm not even so sure that it's the school itself (although it definitely plays a part) but just the fact that he feels so alone there.

 

[MushyMushy]

I agree with the poster who said you need the margarita.

It's harder watching our kids go through pain than it is to go through it ourselves. Of course he'll adjust and if he doesn't, he's got other options. Whatever the case, it'll make him stronger to go through this.

It's great that the college is having all those activities! I just gave the following advice to a cousin who's just starting college: "Join things! Join, join, join." It gives them an anchor and helps with the sense of belonging.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Well, he just got there, classes haven't even started. Give him some time.

If he still hates it, tell him to get awesome grades so he can transfer to one of the reach schools he really wanted to go to.

My dd already wants to transfer into UT-Austin and she hasn't even graduated HS yet. She will graduate here in Dec.
We told her do top notch in Missouri and when you figure out your major transfer to the school that will provide you with the major you want.
Plus you are going to have to get scholarships or something to offset the "out of state" costs.

In other words have to work for it.

Good Luck to your son and {hugs} to you.

 

[famofsix]

if it makes you feel any better there is a lot of partying up on the hill at Syracuse too

Keep your chin up and keep encouraging him. It may be that the circle he is in now and the dorm environment may change a lot when school starts. If not perhaps he will be able to move to another room-mate once he gets to know people.

One of the groups he may be interested in is inter-varsity http://www.intervarsity.org/ . You can check if there is one at his school.

The first year is the hardest adjustment

 

[Buckalew11]

OP, I know that UT KNoxville has a program set up for freshman students who are unhappy or have problems/concerns of any kind. They can contact that office and talk to someone. I know the woman who ran theirs and she said it was a fantastic program for the students. many times someone would think they wanted to leave and they'd talk things through. Maybe your son's school has something like that if it comes to that (which I hope it does not).

I will keep him in my prayers.

 

[kaf7878]

My freshman year was pretty rough too. I went to Univ of Alabama and it was a major culture shock for me. Those folks are SOUTHERN! Wow! Like your son, I didn't get to go to my top choice school (got in but too $$$) and I really wanted to go out of state (WHY???) so I chose a school a state away (but 10 hrs from home).

Things did get better and I got involved and got my own set of friends but from Day 1, I knew I would be transferring after the first year. It just was not a good match for me.

Ended up transferring back in state to Florida State and had an awesome rest of college experience. I don't regret that first year at all though--it taught me a lot!

 

[Green Tea]

I am just back from taking my child to college. This is something the dean said to the parents.

You will get a call from your student. It will sound catastrophic. The student will be miserable, the problem will be huge, the crisis insurmountable. Then they will go eat pizza. You will worry for days, but all they really needed was to vent. So, when the call comes, listen, then hang up, and the parent go eat pizza.

 

[N&B'smom]

One thing he needs to try to remember is that he is not the only one feeling this way. In that situation one can't help but feel very alone. Somehow it helps to know others are feeling the same way.

Shelby

 

[golfgal]

My dd already wants to transfer into UT-Austin and she hasn't even graduated HS yet. She will graduate here in Dec.
We told her do top notch in Missouri and when you figure out your major transfer to the school that will provide you with the major you want.
Plus you are going to have to get scholarships or something to offset the "out of state" costs.

In other words have to work for it.

Good Luck to your son and {hugs} to you.

You better make sure what ever school she wants to transfer to will take her credits from the first school, most schools don't. You might end up paying for 6 years vs 4 with the transfer. I saw that happen many, many times, even with colleges basically on the same level of 'competitiveness'.