My Beloved Papa passed on Wed.

[DisneycrazedX6]

How do you get through your day with such sadness?? My papa passed away on Wed. evening without any family with him. He was 89 years old, blind and on dialysis 3 days a week. Two years ago he was forced to live away from his wife of so many years. He lived an hour away in a place that we did not care for at all and neither did he. His last month was of pain and frustration. He fell several times though no bones were broken. He complained alot and therefore was overmedicated with Oxycontin. Sometimes he barely could speak and other times he was crazy and not himself. I only saw him 3 times that last month and that I regret. Our last conversation was on Sat. and it was short. He fought with his wife on Monday and refused to answer her calls on Tuesday. On Wed. I would visit him at dialysis and see what was wrong. He did not make it to dialysis, instead he went to the hospital. My mother and grandmother went to check on him, but he was in a procedure and were told to go home. At 7:00 the doctor told us to hurry up and get there....we are an hour away....He died 14 minutes later without anyone. The guilt I feel is awful.....I should have gone to the hospital on Wed. Instead I waited for the doctors diagnosis. My grandfather often went to the hospital...he was a fighter and always came home. This time was different, and I didnt see it coming. Maybe I have been so wrapped up with my 4 kids, my job and planning my vacation. I didnt see the signs that he was ready to give up. My mother now tells me that he had been saying odd things lately, like he has seen his mother or brother in a dream calling to him. My husband just told me that he said that he was tired and didnt want to go on anymore. Why didnt anyone tell me?
My papa was a second father to me, and I'm not sure how I am going to move on without him. I know that he is no longer in pain, but know I have to feel it. I just wish I had the chance to say good-bye!! I think he wanted to move on without us, I think if we were there, he would have felt like he had to fight some more. I think I can accept that he is in a better place, but I just cant stop crying and thinking about him and his last month of misery. GUILT is not a good thing. I have not slept for more than 3 hours since Monday now. My daughter sprained her ankle Monday night and is on crutches, so no sleep Mon or Tues and then Wed came. I know that I am rambling but it seems to keep me from crying. Thank you for anyone that is listening. The funeral is tomorrow....I have no idea how I will get through that. My kids are 15,13, 11 and 6...my 6 year old has cried alot but my others are holding it in...I am afraid for them tomorrow, who can hold them up if I am already on the floor. Please say a prayer for us if you would.
thanks again for listening....

 

[nannerbadnanner]

I was just posting about losing my dad in January. I live eight hours away and was 8 1/2 months pregnant and couldn't be there either. It hurts when you can't be there and can't really day good-bye. I was able to see my dad a week before he died, but my dad was on so much pain medication that I wonder if he even knew I was there.

The funeral will help though. You will get a chance to say good-bye, and you'll know he is not suffering anymore. Also, it gets easier even though sometimes the pain hits you unexpectedly like it has for me tonight. Maybe it's good we are both here.

Also, your papa knew you loved him even if you couldn't be there with him as much as you would have liked.

 

[Mackey Mouse]

Hugs to both of you.. I am so sorry for your losses..

First.. can I say I was there when my Mom passed, and although I knew I was there and I hoped she knew I was there, it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It took me years to get over being there those last minutes and yet nothing extraordinary happened, she was not conscious, she was intubated so there were no sounds other than the machines breathing her... and I foolishly thought once they took the machines off and took the tubes out, she would look like my Mom..........needless to say, it was not comforting and I will never forget it.

So... here is what I think.....guilt is a wasted emotion... the fact that you were trying to get there....well he knew. He was in your prayers and thoughts and truly that is all that is needed, whether you were standing there beside him or driving there to get to him, you were with him... please do not beat yourself up over this.

Try to get through the next few days and have a brave face for your children.. Death is tough to face for a loved one whether they are young or old for those left behind but think of him in a wonderful place with no pain.....and take care of yourself and your children.

Hugs to both of you on your losses......time will heal you both, but it does take time.

 

[safetymom]

Hugs to you both. Try to take comfort in your memories. Don't do the woulda,coulda, shouldas. Your loved ones knew how you felt.

I will keep you both in my prayers.

 

[kimis]

Prayers, hugs, and pixie dust sent to you both!

I am not that close to my dad but I did lose my mom 18 months ago. I was with her 24/7 but she went the time I took a ninety minute nap. I believe it was the way she wanted it.

I agree with Mackey Mouse--guilt is the wasted emotion. Go with the great memories you have. The happy ones. I know days are hard. It has been 21 months since my mom passed and it is still hard. There will be days that your loved ones are the only thing on your mind but there will be other times at night as you are going to sleep you will realize "hey I only thought about that person a few times".

I tell my adult children and any one else that will listen that life is about memories. Not just for us but those we leave behind.

Take one day at a time sometimes one hour at a time. Know that you have friends here on this board that will pray for you and will be here if you just want to vent.

 

[DisneycrazedX6]

The funeral was today and somehow I made it through. The viewing was hard, but even harder watching my children go through it. My papa looked good, better than he had in quite some time. The service was beautiful...my father and my husband both spoke. I have not seen my father cry in 20 years, when his mother died. It was heartbreaking to see it. My husband was wonderful and he was my rock for the day. The cemetary was tough. I was fine until they asked us to throw dirt on the casket...this I could not do!! My mother gave us each a rose to throw on and somehow I managed to do that. We sat at my moms after until about 8:00. I did well with all the people there but now I am home again and sad once more. We will sit as a group one more time tomorrow but then it is supposed to be back to normal. I guess one day at a time is the best advice people can give. I have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning, hopefully tomorrow will be different.
Thanks for the caring responses...I know that I can always count on my friends here for support.....Thank You!!!!

 

[disney-inspired]

I know it must be hard right now to look "on the bright side" because there really isn't a blatant one.

You were blessed to have your dad live a long life, nearly 90! Try to remember all the good times you shared with him and that will help you not only grieve but continue your life with those fond memories leading your way.

I'll be praying for you! God Bless you during these hard times.