My 9yo lies all the time!

[hvivona]

Ok parents, I need some help. My oldest DD is about to turn 9. For the past few months we have been having a terrible time with her lying. She lies about everything big and small and we don't know what to do. We punish her and take away her computer, gameboy & tv and have lengthy conversations about how its wrong to lie. We've talked with her about honoring your father and your mother and respect. Nothing is working! She looks us straight in the eyes and lies to us. After lengthy discussion the truth eventually comes out, but why does she lie in the first place? I need help. What can I do to make her stop lying and tell the truth.

 

[SandraC]

Everyone feels balanced when their needs are met.

It is hard enough for adults to recognize what they "need". Kids are even harder because they don't have the life experience to get their beautiful minds around "what they need."

This is my THEORY 1. Your dd might not be getting her needs met and is lying as a bandaid solution. Ask her what she needs? It might take probing because she is young and might not know exactly what you mean.

THEORY 2. Lying might be fun. She's getting attention from it so she'll continue.

THEORY 3. The truth is over rated and what do I know....my kid eats paint. S

 

[KirstenB]

Our 8 year old does it too. Mostly they're harmless lies, like "Baby Zoe was crying last night so I went in there and she told me she had a diaper rash so I changed her". Okay, the baby isn't talking yet, and our 8 yr old is too short to reach the baby and lift her out of the crib!

Occasionally though she'll do it to try to get out of trouble. Those are the lies where I'll pin her down and let her know she can't lie. I think it's a phase she's going through, because sometimes she still tells on herself when she's done something wrong. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

 

[natenapril]

My 9 year old DD has lied to us quite a few times too. It is very disheartening. We have also taken away he priviledges (nintendo ds, sleepovers, having friends over etc.) and we haven't caught her in another one so far.
She lies about school because she did not want me to see that she did not turn in her homework.
Good luck!

 

[TheDizMom]

I started with my kids young on this concept and it worked for my DS, but not always on my DD. I have simply told them they are going to get into a lot more trouble if they lied to me then they would if they just told me the truth. I tell them we all make mistakes and we won't get as mad if they tell us the truth the first time around. I tell them that I guarantee if they lie I will eventually find out and when I do watch out. My son tells me the truth every time. He has even corrected me about something he did when I assumed the wrong thing. His sister had fallen off the bed and I thought they were just goofing off and it was an accident. It took him a half hour to get up the guts to tell me he had intentionally kicked her in the stomach and that was why she had fallen off the bed. I was not happy of course but he told me the truth. Because he did I let him pick the punishment, which was much more severe then I would have given him(therfore I chose it). My DD isn't as good about it, but I make sure to reenforce it by letting her get off easier if she tells me the truth, and telling her that I am proud of her for telling me the truth. When she doesn't she pays the price 2 fold. I tell her if she had told me the truth I would have done X, but since she lied I am going to do Y. She is not yet 6 so we will see, but I feel that as long as I stay consistent with my punishment she will eventually get it. As others have said you DD could be shooting for some attention. Is there anything that has happened recently that is causing her to act out or feel like she isn't getting enough attention. Perhaps if you spend more time with her and praise the things she is doing well right now she will stop. I would also praise her when you know she did tell you the truth. Kids will react well when you tell them what they are doing well and reward them for it sometimes, and in the future they will do what they get praised for and not so many of the things they get in trouble for.

 

[2Monkeys]

I'm wondering if this is a 'girl thing' b/c my DS doesn't do it, but my 8 year old DD does. The last time she lied, it was about eating her snack at school. We have alot of trouble with her bad eating habits, so I sent a banana for snack, hoping that if she was hungry, she'd eat it. She came home and looked me straight in the eye and told me she ate it. B/C we have had so much lying with her, I pressed the issue and asked "Does God know you're telling the truth?" She burst into tears and came clean. I agree with TheDizMom --- So, I told her that if she had told the truth, I would have taken away snack for the next day, but since she lied she would have to go without snack for the rest of the week (this was on a Tuesday). I also made sure she knew that this was HER doing - she made the choice to lie, so she has to endure the consequence. This may seem harsh, but the lying has to stop! We have tried taking away lots of other things, but this seemed to hit her. I knew she was not going to starve, so I felt ok about doing it. As far as I know, we haven't had a lie since, and that was about 3 weeks ago.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I noticed that she is the oldest from your siggie. What is she lying about? Is it the same types of issues? (Johnny hit me etc.) If it is stuff like that maybe she just needs a little more attention and doesn't know how to get it. It's so hard trying to meet everyone's needs sometimes. Good luck and hopefully she will grow out of it quickly.

 

[bkaz]

I'm right there with you...DD9 "tells stories" about everything under the sun. She'll tell me something that her teacher said and I'll say "oh wow, I guess I should call her and talk to her about that" and then she'll say "well......." and the truth will come out. Her friends do it all the time too. She'll come home and say "______ said that when she turns 16 her dad is going to buy her an Italian sports car...she is SOOOO lucky" when her friends dad is SO NOT going to buy her a sports car! I keep hoping that it is a phase and she will soon grow out of it. We regularly talk about the boy who cried wolf and we ask her if she is "telling us a story" instead of lying because that seems easier to admit to. I don't think it is any deep seated emotional issue...I just think it is 9 year old girls (in particular) trying to figure out how the world works.

 

[jennifer293]

We had this happen over the weekend with DD6 ...she and DD2 slept over at my parents house for 2 nights. My mother said they were angels until the day I came to pick them up. My father had bought my mother some red tulips for V-day and DD6 picked one of them and then denied doing it and blamed it on DD2. Well my mother knew DD2 did not do it because she never left the room...DD6 PROMISED 4 times that she did not do it and said that DD2 did it. So, I threatened to call GOD!!! Yes, I hated to do it, but I told her that he was there watching and he knows what really happened and she turned white in the face and her eyeballs almost popped out and she started bawling and said..OK..OK.. I DID IT!!! She is now grounded from (toys, laptop, and friends) for 2 weeks!! She has been a different kid since then. I noticed she is even utilizing all of those other good manners we thought she had never learned...

 

[CampbellScot]

I think a lot of kids tell lies b/c they get A LOT of attention for it...even if it's negative attention, it's very effective. Which is why I would suggest that if she keeps lying, deal with it quickly...whatever the consequence is...let her know that if she wants to talk about why she is lying that she is welcome to do so, and then move on. Don't let things get all dramatic. Just be very firm and matter of fact and be done. That way if the lying is attention seeking in nature she will see that all she is getting is consequences and that's no fun. A lot of times you can tell if they are lying for attention b/c they seem a bit shocked that you aren't yelling and invoking the name of God and then THEY try and make it dramatic...you just let her know that you are willing to talk about whatever it is, but you are not going to have her carrying on. Call her on it and flat out tell her that lying is NOT the way to get attention. This works for a lot of parents I see in my practice. Something to think about.

My step daughter is 8 and she lies too... it's something all kids try out. She tells BIG ones that aren't even related to the truth. I think she does it when she is feeling anxious about something or she wishes things would be different. So she lies to get comforted and to get attention. But that just isn't how you go about getting attention, no matter what the reason, so when we catch her we nail her for it. The last time she lied she lost the 20 dollars that was in her "Disney Jar". She has to earn it all back, quarter by quarter and her little brother will have a lot more money than she will come vacation time. But we had no choice. This is the 3rd time she has told a huge lie...it upset everyone and hurt people's feelings. We told her the last time she told a lie that if she did that again she would lose her all her Disney money. So she knew full well what would happen if we caught her. She made a bad choice and it had an unhappy consequence.

That day was hard. I cried my heart out later. I know she is hurting and confused sometimes...but she can't lie to avoid reality.

All we can do is let the kids know that lying will NOT be tolerated. It has a hefty price and it will be followed through on every time.

ick...I'm still upset about that last one...mostly b/c I'm pretty sure she will do it again.

 

[solgent]

I have not experienced this myself. I would probably handle this not by talking about it extensively which I think sort of wastes everyone's time. Kids don't really learn from lectures. They learn from consequences, and by this I don't mean punishment. I mean logical consequences. In this case, since what she says can't be trusted, I would supervise her every possible minute of the day to be sure she was doing what she should and not doing things she shouldn't and I would call the teacher or other adults to verify her statements when I couldn't watch her. I would just calmly explain to her that I can't trust her so as a parent I have to make sure for myself. Don't get emotional, like "How could you lie to us?" That turns it into a power struggle.

I think faced with this a child would attempt to earn back the trust. She will know she can't get away with anything so no point in lying. She will know that it doesn't upset you, it just inconveniences you and as a parent you can handle that. Again, there is no payoff for her in tricking you. For every little thing that she was honest about I would praise her and say that soon I'd be able to trust her again.

Excellent, excellent books for parenting this age group are
How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will talk
How Could You Say that? published by American Girl books
It's not fair, Jeremy Spencer's parents let him stay up all night

 

[hvivona]

Thanks for all the support you guys. I have to tell you though, that I've tried them all. My 9yo is my step daughter that we have custody of. So, as far as attention goes I try to lavish her with it because her bio mom has nothing to do with her and is in a mental institution. Our home life is very steady and I spend a lot of time with her. She is a whiz at school and is in accelerated classes and afterschool science clubs. We praise her all of the time for her good deeds and her awesome school work. When she lies we talk at great length about why its wrong and that I always know when she's lying--a mother always does. I've been her "mom" for about 5 years now so the step mom thing isn't the issue. I'm sure its the age but this afternoon I tried a new approach. I looked up every verse I could find about lying and honoring your parents in the Bible today. I wrote the verses down and then had her look them up and read them for herself. Afterward we discussed them and I tried to explain that these were not just my rules, they are God's. This seems to have turned on a light bulb with her and she sees that I'm not just being a mean mom, I'm trying to teach her right from wrong. Keep your fingers crossed because if this doesn't work, my DH and I don't know what to do.

 

[CampbellScot]

Can I just say that as a fellow step parent, and a LCSW...I would keep in mind that your child has a lot of stress factors in her young life that a lot of other children don't. Does she know that her biological mom isn't well? It sounds like she is a very bright girl. Even if these issues don't seem like a big deal, they can be something she thinks about or worries about. She is getting to the age where she WILL begin to wonder and ask questions. Most likely, the lying IS just a phase she is going through. I think that appealing to her sense of right and wrong is a good route to go!

Just maybe keep an eye on her behavior. If she is acting out or lying b/c she is struggling with an internal issue, she may need you to start the dialogue. Sometimes in the step family situation, children don't want to talk about the biological parent b/c they don't want to hurt the step parent's feelings. It's pretty complicated. My step daughter has a hard time with it.

anyhow, just wanted to throw another "perhaps" out there!! It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job. Step parenting is a tough job!

 

[hollyb]

Can you blame the girl for lieing her life is a mess. Her moms not well and wants nothing to do with her. How would you feel? I think her dad being the real parent needs to spend more time with her. The child is crying for help and all she gets is punshiment. What does that do for her? JMHO

 

[bluesaturn]

Can you blame the girl for lieing her life is a mess. Her moms not well and wants nothing to do with her. How would you feel? I think her dad being the real parent needs to spend more time with her. The child is crying for help and all she gets is punshiment. What does that do for her? JMHO

personally i don't think the fact that her father is the biological parent makes him anymore "real" than hvivona. even though they are not blood, hvivona obviously treats her dd as her own. that being said, you bring up an important point that both parents should spend equal time with dd. a dad can have a profound affect on a girl's life.
she might be crying for help, that is a possibility. but it's also possible that she is a girl who is growing up and testing her limits, and needs to be shown her boundaries. personally i agree that if she is having a hard time that should be addressed, but she still needs to realize there are consequences for her actions.
good luck!

 

[hvivona]

Can you blame the girl for lieing her life is a mess. Her moms not well and wants nothing to do with her. How would you feel? I think her dad being the real parent needs to spend more time with her. The child is crying for help and all she gets is punshiment. What does that do for her? JMHO

How dare you insinuate that I am not a REAL parent. I treat her just as my own! You don't know anything about her situation and the love that this family shows her. Are you telling me that only biological parents are allowed to punish their misbehaving children? My husband and I are a team and we love all of our children equally- we both brought children into this marriage and we love those children EQUALLY! I treat my 9yo no different than my 6yo, who happens to be my bio child. And the 9yo is not crying out for help, she's being a 9yo. My original post to ask for suggestions about how to solve the problem--not try and diagnose it. My 9yo knows I'm her mom whether I gave birth to her or not- I'm the one who feeds her, clothes her, puts a roof over her head, loves her, teaches her, plays with her, dotes on her, etc. And that makes me just as much a mom, if not more of one, than one who just gives birth. Whats more important: bringing a child into the world or taking in and caring for a child in the world? You should think about your comments long and hard before you post an attack on someones family!

 

[hvivona]

personally i don't think the fact that her father is the biological parent makes him anymore "real" than hvivona. even though they are not blood, hvivona obviously treats her dd as her own. that being said, you bring up an important point that both parents should spend equal time with dd. a dad can have a profound affect on a girl's life.
she might be crying for help, that is a possibility. but it's also possible that she is a girl who is growing up and testing her limits, and needs to be shown her boundaries. personally i agree that if she is having a hard time that should be addressed, but she still needs to realize there are consequences for her actions.
good luck!

Thank you for your kind words! I agree that she's testing her limits. It seems our lengthy discussion with her the other day has helped because she is being very respectful and has told the truth when she had the opportunity to lie. We praised her for telling the truth and instead of getting punished for what she did, since she told the truth we just talked about why that was wrong. I wanted to show her that when she tells the truth the worst that happens is a discussion about why that particular thing was wrong. But when she lies is when she gets punished. Keep your fingers crossed that she'll keep up the good work!