My 9 yr old wants to shave - advice please!

[hereyago]

OP, this is not an attack quesiton but: Was your DM overprotective or did she not act real motherly? i could see how if went either way. My DM was not the motherly type but that is a whole differnt thread. My DF actually took me out for my first bra, awkward. I wasn't taught about deodorant and was the "stinky" kid.

I have a DD11, an only. She has been shaving her legs since she was about 9 and a half. She came to me and asked if I could show her how to shave because she was starting to feel self conscious.

I am actually odd and I embrace her growing up, at least for now. Yes, I loved when she was a baby, however, I feel with each year and milestone, I can see what a great young lady she is going to become. I think you would rather be the parent she would be able to come to no matter what, no judgements.

Also, do you have outside intersests? Once again not an attack. But I love my DD to death, but she is a portion of my life, a big portion. But i hate those people who have kids and odn't have any outside interest and then when the kids leave, the parents don't know what to do. Your DD is growing up and she will soon be at the point of "Mom, don't stand next to me, kiss me, or even talk to me in public phast", so how are you going to handle that?

Cabanafrau-you wrote a lovely post, I enjoyed reading it.

 

[okeydokey]

When my DD was 9 I walked in the bathroom and she was shaving her legs. She said they were too hairy (they were kind of furry). It was fine with me, so I gave her some shave gel so she wouldn't cut herself.

 

[SnowWhite607]

OP, this is not an attack quesiton but: Was your DM overprotective or did she not act real motherly? i could see how if went either way. My DM was not the motherly type but that is a whole differnt thread. My DF actually took me out for my first bra, awkward. I wasn't taught about deodorant and was the "stinky" kid.

I have a DD11, an only. She has been shaving her legs since she was about 9 and a half. She came to me and asked if I could show her how to shave because she was starting to feel self conscious.

I am actually odd and I embrace her growing up, at least for now. Yes, I loved when she was a baby, however, I feel with each year and milestone, I can see what a great young lady she is going to become. I think you would rather be the parent she would be able to come to no matter what, no judgements.

Also, do you have outside intersests? Once again not an attack. But I love my DD to death, but she is a portion of my life, a big portion. But i hate those people who have kids and odn't have any outside interest and then when the kids leave, the parents don't know what to do. Your DD is growing up and she will soon be at the point of "Mom, don't stand next to me, kiss me, or even talk to me in public phast", so how are you going to handle that?

Cabanafrau-you wrote a lovely post, I enjoyed reading it.

No my mother was not real motherly. It seemed like she always had something better to do or she was too busy to deal with me. I came from a broken home also and then had a step father who hated me.

Um, yes I have outside interests. I have a full time job as a teacher, I read, I run a reading group once a month. I dont think I am trying to live my life thru her if thats what you are insinuating. On the other hand, I have absolutely NO relationship with my husband and cant imagine what will happen when she is gone. So yes, that is a real concern to me also.

And I know plenty of people who have teens (daughters and sons) whose children are not ashamed to be seen with them in public so not ALL teens turn out that way.

 

[DVCLiz]

No my mother was not real motherly. It seemed like she always had something better to do or she was too busy to deal with me. I came from a broken home also and then had a step father who hated me.

Um, yes I have outside interests. I have a full time job as a teacher, I read, I run a reading group once a month. I dont think I am trying to live my life thru her if thats what you are insinuating. On the other hand, I have absolutely NO relationship with my husband and cant imagine what will happen when she is gone. So yes, that is a real concern to me also.

And I know plenty of people who have teens (daughters and sons) whose children are not ashamed to be seen with them in public so not ALL teens turn out that way.

I've had a moment or two of "OK Mom, you can go now" but for the most part my girls have always been gracious about being in public with me, especially if I am in possession of the car keys and the check book!!

OP, this is just a nosy question, but I'm so curious - where does your husband sleep??

 

[mjkacmom]

Now I will totally agree with you about the cell phone issue!!! (Another thread) but I think the shaving thing just needs to be done when it becomes an issue. In my case, my kids have dark hair EVERYWHERE and so I don't want it to BECOME an issue. My SIL's tell me all of the time that they were harrassed horribly because of their hairyness...(is that a word?)

Actually, my ddalmost9 has a cellphone, but she only calls me or DH with it. She dances at a studio 15 minutes from home 4 nights a week, with several workshops each month. She has no way to get in touch with us, because the owners are the teachers. At some of her classes, she's the youngest, with the oldest being 17. She'll also be walking to and from school next year. I was planning on having them walk this year (my older 2 did), but ds7 still has some impulse control issues, so we'll wait until September, and dd will have her phone.

 

[SnowWhite607]

I've had a moment or two of "OK Mom, you can go now" but for the most part my girls have always been gracious about being in public with me, especially if I am in possession of the car keys and the check book!!

OP, this is just a nosy question, but I'm so curious - where does your husband sleep??

Sometimes with us, sometimes in the guest room if she moves around and kicks too much.

 

[DSNY4ever]

I agree- let her shave.

On the note of bras- sometimes girls need them whether they are developed or not. In 5th grade I was leaning over and coloring a poster on the ground and I heard two boys whispering that they could see my "chest" (they used other words) and they were trying to "check out" the girls. I had a regular t-shirt on but leaning over left a little crack (I was a late bloomer, so there was nothing to see- I still have nothing to see- haha), but my mom took me out and got me 3 bras that weekend. I felt more comfortable having a simple almost sports bra type thing on rather than letting those little pervy boys try to sneak a peek.

 

[hereyago]

I've had a moment or two of "OK Mom, you can go now" but for the most part my girls have always been gracious about being in public with me, especially if I am in possession of the car keys and the check book!!
QUOTE]

That is why they are gracious-lol. I don't think you take them to the school dance, you are going to walk them in, give them a spit bath if they have a smudge on their face. Not saying you would give them a spit bath, but you know. I haven't seen a tween or teenager walking at the mall holding their Mom's hand.

OP-sorry your Mom wasn't really motherly too. It makes it harder I think for parents then to determine when their kids can do things. You can't be too overprotective or strict, because I have seen that side as well, you cant' let your kids run loose, I know what i could have done as a teenager, I had the opportunity. It is just hard to decide. But they are going to grow up. Take one little step at a time. And never do anything that would keep your DD feeling self consious.

 

[pixie921]

Yes I am overprotective.....but thats for another thread. This one is about shaving.

I just see her friends wearing bras (no, they dont need them, they are just for "show" or to be able to say "hey look, I am wearing a bra.") and then I hear how some of her friends in 3rd grade have a cell phone and I just think its a slippery slope. I mean, where does it end? I played with Barbies till I was 11!!

My point was, in my mother's case (and I think in many others; only you know if it's the case here, though from your other comments I think it is) she wanted to keep me "innocent" and stop me from "growing up too fast". By stopping me from shaving my legs, all my mother did was make me feel even more self-conscious at an already awkward stage, and all that did was breed resentment.

We didn't let our son have a cell phone until he was in 8th grade (even though he started begging for one in 5th grade) and in a summer program that required he have a way to reach us when we were apart. We still don't allow texting, and he's 17. We've allowed him to pierce his ears, but no other body piercings 'til 18. It's been a balancing act.

And FWIW, I'm sure there aren't many girls who play with Barbies at 11 in this day and age. It's a different world, for better or for worse. All we as parents can do is try to adapt, be as wise as possible, and pick our battles. Our parental philosophy has always been "Say yes when you can; say no when you have to." It's served us pretty well.

 

[cuethemusic]

your daughter sounds like me when I was her age. I am extremely fair skinned and I saw all of my friends had little hair or not very visible hair on their legs and I compared my own legs and felt like a freak, my Mom had no issue with me shaving. Whatever will make her more comfortable, you wouldn't want to damage her self esteem.

 

[jelloarms]

I remember when I was in the 5th grade or so, while the teacher was lecturing, my friend and I would take our school sisscors and trim our leg and arm hairs. Crazy I know but we have very dark hair! I blame the Mexican-ness. Nevertheless, I didn't actually start shaving my legs till the end of 7th grade when I finally realized I was the only girl with hair on her legs.

When I was in 12th grade, I started shaving my arms. Most people just leave that be but trust me, my arm hair is quite noticable.

Surprisingly, I have almost no hair under my arms. There are like 15 or so hairs under each pit and I usually just pluck them out.

TMI much?

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

To me it's not a big deal. I remember getting my first Teen Magazine when I was in 5th grade. It had an article in it on how to properly shave your legs, and I immediately asked my parents if I could. I remember they were reluctant just as you are, and I didn't understand why. They even told me that if this is what happened when I read Teen, they would not let me read it again.

To this day, I don't understand what the big deal was. But they did let me get the stuff and my mom showed me how to do it properly. Honestly, shaving is no big deal. If she's self conscious, then give her that confidence boost. It's not giving into bullies. Chances are she started noticing it before they said anything.

One thing I did notice is how much better my legs feel after shaving. I was a girly girl who loved to wear dresses, and tights on hairy legs (particularly when it's cold) was just painful. Things like jeans and tights were so much more comfortable when I shaved. Plus, in the summer, it keeps you cooler. (That's why when I worked entertainment we often shaved our arms and legs- even the guys!)

I know it's hard to let your little girl grow up, but for some reason we have sexualized smooth legs in our society when it isn't at all. There are many reason women shave- from the aesthetics of smooth legs to just being more comfortable. If she's asking, she's ready. Better she do it with your permission then grab your razor and end up cutting herself because she never learned the proper technique.

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

I meant to add, I teach kids with disabilities and one thing that we end up having to do a lot is have the hygiene talk with kids and parents. Once kids hit puberty, their bodies being all kinds of changes and often the kids (and even the parents) don't notice until somebody else says something. I've had to tell kids and parents that they need to start wearing deodorant because kids or teachers complain that they are starting to smell.

We've had to also address the armpit hair issue with girls (particularly if they're not wearing deodorant.) It's not giving into bullies, it's recognizing the developmental milestones that will happen for everyone at a different age.

 

[DVCLiz]

OP, have you been in the bathroom and shaved that girl's legs yet?

 

[NotUrsula]

DH was an early bloomer also, but his Mom insisted that he didn't need to shave ... until she got a call from the Principal when he was not quite 13. She had to pick him up at school and was told that he was not welcome back until he was clean-shaven. They bought him a razor on the way home.

Now boys are different -- I don't know of any dress codes that specify clean-shaven legs -- but the point still stands. Age itself is meaningless in this context; the hormones do what they do, and if the hair is noticeable in street clothes, it needs to be dealt with, unless your child feels the urge (and has the courage) to be uber-crunchy and deliberately buck societal expectations about the removal of leg and underarm hair.

DS is 12, and has bad eyesight. (I'm not about to let Nair or Neet into the house for fear he'd mistake it for shampoo and put it on his head.) I bought him an electric razor at Christmastime, and it's in the linen closet for whenever he feels he needs to use it.

PS: As to bras, if she says that she wants one, let her have it. Sometimes the friction of clothing can be very uncomfortable during puberty; I remember that I was in pain a lot of the time for about 4 months before my mother let me wear one. A bra will eliminate the friction, even if there isn't much there to fill one out.

 

[golfgal]

My daughter started shaving at 11, but I did it for her for the first year.

I would let my 9 yr. old shave if she were being teased, but I would not trust her with a razor until she was older. I would do it for her.

Please tell me you are joking. If a child is old enough to shave their legs there is no reason for a mom to do it for her.

OP, let your DD shave and let her do it herself. Show her how on one or two swipes of the razor and let her take it from there. I would recommend using hair conditioner vs shaving cream so she can see what she is doing. With all the safety guards on razors these days the worst that can happen is that she nicks herself, no major bloodletting.

Why to parents spend so much time trying NOT to let their kids fit in when it is SO important at this age that they DO fit in.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Please tell me you are joking. If a child is old enough to shave their legs there is no reason for a mom to do it for her.

OP, let your DD shave and let her do it herself. Show her how on one or two swipes of the razor and let her take it from there. I would recommend using hair conditioner vs shaving cream so she can see what she is doing. With all the safety guards on razors these days the worst that can happen is that she nicks herself, no major bloodletting.

Why to parents spend so much time trying NOT to let their kids fit in when it is SO important at this age that they DO fit in.

Tell that to my phobic 13yodd. I can assure you that some children are afraid of the razor.

 

[SnowWhite607]

She is terrified of a razor. She is afraid I will cut her and she will bleed out on the bathroom floor. She is a bit of a drama queen.

Its not really an issue at the time because it is still cold here and she is still wearing pants to school. But spring is right around the corner...........

 

[The Mystery Machine]

She is terrified of a razor. She is afraid I will cut her and she will bleed out on the bathroom floor. She is a bit of a drama queen.

Its not really an issue at the time because it is still cold here and she is still wearing pants to school. But spring is right around the corner...........

My dd drives me nuts with this. In fact this morning I am going to be shaving her armpits since I went up there and noticed she has NOT been doing it.

She has anxiety issues and pain is one of them. I keep telling myself it is going to get better. I know it will. If God is watching me, then this is the kid he is using to teach me patience.

She is in counseling and I think we are going to talk about care of yourself...again. Only this time it is strategy time.

 

[mjkacmom]

Tell that to my phobic 13yodd. I can assure you that some children are afraid of the razor.

How about an electric razor? Dd13 won't even change in front of me at her doctors appointments, never mind letting me near her with a razor.