More teen drama....WWYD?

[tammymacb]

Under most circumstances, staying out of it would be my first choice. This is a different situation. WWYD?

My DD is almost 14. She has been best friends with "Jane" for several years. Quite frankly, over time DH and I have grown to love her like another child. The girls were always together, we'd take them both out to dinner. She was always at my house. I've taken her on several Disney trips and paid her way ( she's been to the Poly, BWV, AKL, and SSR with us ) We've also taken her on a Disney Cruise and the Carnival Dream and she joins us at our DVC on HHI every year.

Well, last summer when DH and I were planning our January ( 2011 ) cruise, we talked to DD and decided to invite Jane again. We had no problem paying her way. I called her mother, gave her the details and formally invited her. Of course, Jane accepted. We booked two rooms on the Freedom of the Seas. One for DH and I and another for DD and Jane across the hall....all was right with the world.

Well, this summer *something* happened. No one's fessing up. Jane says DD has "changed". DD says they got in a fight over another friend. Regardless, DD no longer wants Jane to go on the cruise.

I told her Jane was invited, her deposit has been paid and I'M not disinviting her. DD wants to bring another friend. Quite frankly, I'm not willing to pay any random kids cruise fare.

So, Jane really wants to go...she basically told me so. But they aren't talking. Final payment ( and ability to make changes to the reservation ) is due in October.

WWYD?

 

[stsomewhere]

Under most circumstances, staying out of it would be my first choice. This is a different situation. WWYD?

My DD is almost 14. She has been best friends with "Jane" for several years. Quite frankly, over time DH and I have grown to love her like another child. The girls were always together, we'd take them both out to dinner. She was always at my house. I've taken her on several Disney trips and paid her way ( she's been to the Poly, BWV, AKL, and SSR with us ) We've also taken her on a Disney Cruise and the Carnival Dream and she joins us at our DVC on HHI every year.

Well, last summer when DH and I were planning our January ( 2011 ) cruise, we talked to DD and decided to invite Jane again. We had no problem paying her way. I called her mother, gave her the details and formally invited her. Of course, Jane accepted. We booked two rooms on the Freedom of the Seas. One for DH and I and another for DD and Jane across the hall....all was right with the world.

Well, this summer *something* happened. No one's fessing up. Jane says DD has "changed". DD says they got in a fight over another friend. Regardless, DD no longer wants Jane to go on the cruise.

I told her Jane was invited, her deposit has been paid and I'M not disinviting her. DD wants to bring another friend. Quite frankly, I'm not willing to pay any random kids cruise fare.

So, Jane really wants to go...she basically told me so. But they aren't talking. Final payment ( and ability to make changes to the reservation ) is due in October.

WWYD?

Since the balance isn't paid in full, I consider not taking the friend. If they are not getting along now, how are they going to get along for a week on a cruise? I would call the mom and tell her things have changed since you talked about going on cruise. I am sure she is aware of the situation, too.
However, I would not let your daughter bring another friend.
Friendships change over the years, it is a shame but happens.People change.

 

[Scurvy]

I think it's rude to univite someone to something after you've extended an invitation unless they've done something truly horrible, so I would still include her in the trip if she wants to go. If you knew she had done something really bad to your daughter then it would be different, but if they've just had a typical teen argument or drifted apart I'd still include her and I would hope that the two would patch things up. Good luck - it sounds like a difficult situation.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I wouldn't make my child vacation with someone she didn't want to. Talk to Jane's Mother and explain the situation. Unless of course you talk to both girls and they decide to be friends. I also wouldn't take another friend. The three of you can share a room and vacation without friends. It would be nice I am sure to just be your own little family. I am also confused as to why Jane would tell you anything about it. You may love her and all but she is not your child. I don't think I would have even got involved and asked Jane anything. Good luck.

ETA- Of course Jane wants to go. Heck with all the places you have taken her and paid for I would want to go and I don't even know you!

 

[tammymacb]

Like I said, to DH she's like another child. We love the kid. I won't disinvite her. My biggest worry ( I think ) besides bickering the entire week, is that at the last minute Jane will decide going isn't a good idea, and I'll be out the cruise fare. However, it's a risk I WILL take, if she says that for sure she wants to go.

 

[dbogen]

Under most circumstances, staying out of it would be my first choice. This is a different situation. WWYD?

My DD is almost 14. She has been best friends with "Jane" for several years. Quite frankly, over time DH and I have grown to love her like another child. The girls were always together, we'd take them both out to dinner. She was always at my house. I've taken her on several Disney trips and paid her way ( she's been to the Poly, BWV, AKL, and SSR with us ) We've also taken her on a Disney Cruise and the Carnival Dream and she joins us at our DVC on HHI every year.

Well, last summer when DH and I were planning our January ( 2011 ) cruise, we talked to DD and decided to invite Jane again. We had no problem paying her way. I called her mother, gave her the details and formally invited her. Of course, Jane accepted. We booked two rooms on the Freedom of the Seas. One for DH and I and another for DD and Jane across the hall....all was right with the world.

Well, this summer *something* happened. No one's fessing up. Jane says DD has "changed". DD says they got in a fight over another friend. Regardless, DD no longer wants Jane to go on the cruise.

I told her Jane was invited, her deposit has been paid and I'M not disinviting her. DD wants to bring another friend. Quite frankly, I'm not willing to pay any random kids cruise fare.

So, Jane really wants to go...she basically told me so. But they aren't talking. Final payment ( and ability to make changes to the reservation ) is due in October.

WWYD?

I guess you need a few more details. Is your DD not talking to Jane, or is it a mutual not talking to. It would seem like Jane still wants to be friends and it is something with your DD. Or maybe Jane just likes the free vacations.

I have to agree normally I would say stay out of it, but in this case there is a bit more at stake than just "girl attitude".

I think I would tell them both that you need to know the truth behind the fight, and go from there. Perhaps it is time to just let the friendship fade if they are not willing to fess us. Oh and tell them you will not be judgmental of either of them, you just need to know the truth,

 

[Mary•Poppins]

Wow, I'm not sure what to tell you.

I think I would just tell DD that no one is coming ... even though this could make a miserable vacation for you, your DH and DD. But the drama at home could be worse for a longer period of time - if she took the BF or the new friend.

Good Luck ...

PS -- What does your husband think? Sometimes I find my DH who stays on the sidelines of drama has a different perspective.

 

[tammymacb]

I wouldn't make my child vacation with someone she didn't want to. Talk to Jane's Mother and explain the situation. Unless of course you talk to both girls and they decide to be friends. I also wouldn't take another friend. The three of you can share a room and vacation without friends. It would be nice I am sure to just be your own little family. I am also confused as to why Jane would tell you anything about it. You may love her and all but she is not your child. I don't think I would have even got involved and asked Jane anything. Good luck.

ETA- Of course Jane wants to go. Heck with all the places you have taken her and paid for I would want to go and I don't even know you!

If you wouldn't have tried to get involved in a situation you will have over $1000 invested in, than you must have much more expendable income than me.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Like I said, to DH she's like another child. We love the kid. I won't disinvite her. My biggest worry ( I think ) besides bickering the entire week, is that at the last minute Jane will decide going isn't a good idea, and I'll be out the cruise fare. However, it's a risk I WILL take, if she says that for sure she wants to go.

See but the thing is- she is NOT your child. She is your dd's friend. While you may love her your own child should come first.

 

[JVL1018]

My daughter's feelings trumps her friend's feelings. Period.
Jane would not be coming on the trip if my daughter did not want her to go.

I can't imagine why it would even be a question, to be honest. It doesn't matter if you love her like a daughter-your daughter is your daughter and her feelings are the ones that matter, not the friend.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

If you wouldn't have tried to get involved in a situation you will have over $1000 invested in, than you must have much more expendable income than me.

I wish! What I meant was once my child said they weren't friends and didn't want her to go I would have said okay and cancelled the friend coming. I am sure the child's parents would agree that taking someone along on a trip that you are not friends with is a silly idea. So I wouldn't have questioned the other child. I would have asked my own child out of curiousity but that's it.

 

[We_Love_Disney]

The situation stinks all around. 14 is a very difficult age. It sounds like you love Jane very much. As much as you do, your DD no longer feels like she used to. It happens, sometimes things blow over, sometimes they don't. To force DD to have Jane come along would be a serious Mommy No-No. Your DD has to be first.

I would suggest you have a long talk with DD telling her that she has to decide once and for all about Jane. If she does not want Jane, she can have no one, and there will be no changing of the mind later.

One of two things can happen:
** DD decided no way Jane isn't going. Then you, DH, DD, need to meet with Jane and family and explain that whereas the girls are no longer BFFs and not talking, that, Jane will be no going on the cruise.

** DD decided ok to Jane. Then you, DH, DD should meet with Jane and family and have a conversation regarding the friendship and ups and downs, but things have to remain on good terms because a cruise is not the place for drama.

I feel for you. Maybe DD is jealous that Jane is so openly accepted with your family, but also has her own too. Who knows. A teens mind is a conundrum.

Best of luck to you. Please keep us posted with what happens.

 

[Magpie]

I'm putting myself in your place, imagining that it's my son and his best-friend-since-kindergarten. We've traveled with them, shared a cottage with them, and we're friends with his parents.

If my son and his best friend had a falling out, I would tell my son that unless he gave me a VERY good reason for uninviting his friend (ie, he's suddenly turned into a drug addict - and believe me, I'd check!), the friend is still invited.

I would not rescind the invitation without more information. For all you know, your daughter is the one in the wrong.

This could be a good opportunity for them to repair the friendship, if the break is minor. And if it's major, then your daughter needs to tell you what happened. (A vague "fight over another friend" isn't enough.)

 

[tammymacb]

Of course my DD comes first. She always has. However, I made a formal invite. I have a problem breaking a kids heart and it's not an easy thing for me to do. Especially one I've known forever.

 

[Magpie]

Of course my DD comes first. She always has. However, I made a formal invite. I have a problem breaking a kids heart and it's not an easy thing for me to do. Especially one I've known forever.

That's my problem, too. If you know this girl and you're confident that her character is good, then I wouldn't rescind the invitation without a LOT more info from your daughter.

Friends aren't something you just toss over because there's a disagreement. This could be a learning experience for your dd.

 

[minniebeth]

See but the thing is- she is NOT your child. She is your dd's friend. While you may love her your own child should come first.

My daughter's feelings trumps her friend's feelings. Period.
Jane would not be coming on the trip if my daughter did not want her to go.

I can't imagine why it would even be a question, to be honest. It doesn't matter if you love her like a daughter-your daughter is your daughter and her feelings are the ones that matter, not the friend.

I agree with these two posts. In addition, you are paying the fare, it's not like the parents of Jane paid and the fare is nonrefundable.

It's true that sometimes things happen and friendships change. They may work it out and stay friends, and there will be other opportunities to vacation together. If not, it might set your DD up to resent you that you put Jane's feelings ahead of her own and that would hurt your relationship as well.

 

[tammymacb]

I should clarify, I told DD that * I * wouldn't disinvite Jane. I told her that if she wanted Jane to stay home, than she would be the one to tell her. So far, she hasn't done it.

 

[JVL1018]

Of course my DD comes first. She always has. However, I made a formal invite. I have a problem breaking a kids heart and it's not an easy thing for me to do. Especially one I've known forever.

But if they aren't friends anymore, why would they want to vacation together? I find it odd that she still wants to go, it seems very awkward.

Would you want to go on vacation with someone you didn't like, even if you had made formal plans? Plans can change, the vacation is months away.
I don't think there's a thing wrong with saying she is no longer invited.
She's not out any money, she just isn't going.
Good luck!

 

[JVL1018]

I should clarify, I told DD that * I * wouldn't disinvite Jane. I told her that if she wanted Jane to stay home, than she would be the one to tell her. So far, she hasn't done it.

I agree with you-she should tell her friend herself.

 

[disykat]

See but the thing is- she is NOT your child. She is your dd's friend. While you may love her your own child should come first.

I agree. I don't get why there's any problem with "uninviting her." It seems like to most people it would be obvious that they are no longer invited if they are not speaking to the host.

To me, this is similar to an inlaw situation. In a few years your dd may marry someone you love and then later divorce. Would you continue to invite him on extended family vacations over your dd's objections? It's sad to lose a family member, but it happens. You can keep in touch with her in other ways, but her ticket to your family vacation was through her connection with your dd - and that connection is broken.

I'd sit down with your dd and discuss it. Maybe you can even try a trial lunch date or something with the friend. If it's clear they don't want to vacation together you need to choose your dd.