Mods Please Delete

[Klismania]

I've waded through 11 pages of whining and depression so I'm going to give you some advice from a "B"; a really big "B" who lives her life the way she wants to and apologizes to no one. Well, maybe I apologize to a few, but I don't apologize to strangers who only want me to follow their advice without knowing my personal situation.

You're going to have to decide how you want to live; the decision is up to you and has always been up to you. Stop waiting for someone, whether it's a family member, friend, or even a faceless internet persona, to give you permission to do anything. If/when he says, "You never loved me" then maybe the answer back to him is, "Gee....ya think?" then walk away. You may also want to stop hoping that you're going to be getting any money out of this or that the "investment" you think you've made in that man will pay off one way or another. It won't. Or if it does, it won't be worth what piddling little amount you're going to get after his family gets through with you.

Do you want to be happy? Then cut him the F loose. Leave that guy, leave the situation, move in with your Dad (he really does love you, you know), and start over. Surround yourself with those whom you know truly love you like family members.

Yeah, other people are going to call you names. Well, sticks and stones may break your bones but names will never hurt you. And yup, they're going to hate you because now THEY have to deal with it. Suck it up buttercup. Move out, change your phone number and change your email address. If they walk up to you in the street and spit in your face, wipe it off and keep walking.

Do your divorce time (I think you said two years?), mark the relationship paid, and recreate your life.

Yeah, this is cold, heartless advice I'm giving you. And yes, you WILL pay for taking this step. You'd better be ready to own that right now. But you'll be free. And when you're 53, 63, and maybe even 73, you'll look back on this hard time and be thankful that you did a 'reset' when you were 43.

Hopefully you'll learn from this experience and come out stronger and wiser. Best of luck.

 

[TLSnell1981]

Sounds like he put on a good show at the rehab center in order to come home. It sounds like you need to have a tough love talk with him.

It's never easy be a caregiver. Best of luck to both of you

Unfortunately, it doesn't take a good show. They can decide, that you have met your goals or unable to meet them. Either way, you are going home. Benefits have a huge impact. Once they are exhausted...you are discharged.

 

[Frozen72]

delete

 

[PlutoPony]

Did you go in with him to see the doctor?
Did the doctor witness any of his inappropriate behavior toward you?
Does the doctor have current, correct information about his interest/ability in caring for himself, his current eating habits, etc. Or did your husband lie or omit facts about his current condition??
Can you pull the doctor aside and communicate your concerns and frustrations?

 

[Lisaloo]

Your updates are really just more of the same. The responses will be more of the same, great advice that you won't follow. Hope it all works out for you. I have to unwatch this thread, it's way too toxic for me.

 

[morgan98]

OP, the more I read about your situation, the stranger it all seems. Don't get me wrong, I think you do need to lead as this is really a toxic and horrible relationship. You do need to get out. If he is constantly screaming and yelling at you and calling you horrible names, that is not okay. And he only physically abused you once? That is one too many times!

I am confused about how you are his primary caregiver, yet you do not seem to fully understand or have knowledge of his medical situation. If I had to quit a job to provide 24 hours round the clock medical care for my spouse, I would be in every single doctor's appointment, meeting with whomever would speak to me at the skilled care facility, etc. So you just drive him to appointments, have no idea what is discussed or the details of his condition? (I understand patient privacy, etc., so no one needs to lecture me on that. I am just saying that if I were the caregiver for my spouse, he would want me in all of those appointments to help his listen to and understand his treatments, medicines, etc.)

Also, you quit your job to care for him and he hides all bills and financial information from you? What money do you live off of? You should have fully knowledge of all of the financial aspects of this as well.

At this point, I don't think anyone knows what else to say or recommend...

 

[NewRVLady]

WHY do I take him to these appointments? If I do not? Who else will? His family is of no help. I thought they would pitch in, but no. If I am not the one to do it, he will just stay here in the apartment and go without. I am trying to give him enough notice to get his stuff in order because I can't continue doing for him. We live in the middle of nowhere so to go to the specialists, and serious hospitals it is at least an hour drive. I am looking for some kind of public transportation for him.

.

No One in my DH 's family wanted to get anywhere near his crazy screaming brother either-his kids HATED being near him. it wasn't until his wife died of a diabetic seizure that one of them unwilling drove him occasionally

 

[lustergirl]

OK, checking in:

It was not the most pleasant of nights last night, he woke me up at like 3:00 AM. My fault though, when I cleaned the bathroom, I forgot to put the toilet riser thing back on the toilet. (Granted when I got to the bathroom, he had it on the toilet, it was just done incorrectly. He had the seat down and was trying to put it on top of that). Either way, this is something he could have figured out on his own, instead it is much easier to start yelling at me. It was my punishment for making a mistake. Thank goodness our neighbor is gone, because this place will not tolerate people making a lot of noise etc...

I did manage to get back to sleep thankfully. After I got up, cleaned the bathroom, again. Picked up around the apartment, again. I let him sleep til almost lunch time, I made lunch and cleaned up the kitchen. After that I just went back to bed. Thankfully he didn't bother me. I slept a while. He had fallen asleep while I was sleeping and was still asleep when I got up and picked up the stuff he left strewn about the place and started getting cooking supper. I served supper and while cleaning up the kitchen he started in on me about how I really should have done laundry today. "I just really thought you would have done some laundry' about 5X. Bonus, he left me a mess in the bathroom. I said something to him about it, and his response is "I cleaned it"... maybe he tried to clean it, but it was still an unholy mess.

Safety is a concern at this point yes... call me paranoid, but I am concerned with that the messes he are making this home a haven for disease. I do not know if this is a legitimate concern or I am just squeamish but after the list of infections he has had (including mrsa) I am going through latex gloves and disinfectant like a maniac. (Not tonight, couple days ago) I about lost it when I went into his room and saw a poop covered wash cloth ON a dinner plate. I threw the plate in the trashcan. Maybe it is extreme and a dishwasher might have disinfected it, but I just couldn't stand it.

In regards to hospital discharge stuff... he behaved so badly in one hospital a few months ago, that is how he ended up in the skilled nursing facility to begin with. He was belligerent with the staff and causing scenes. The social worker helped us get him into a facility that time.

It has been a big volleyball game between mental health services and the physical people. Physical rehab says they cannot fix the mental, and a mental facility will not touch him because of the raging diabetes. They knock it back and forth and it lands on me.

He has said that he most definitely will NOT go back into a facility, so getting him to agree to it would be no easy task. He was like I don't like the BS of having to report to breakfast at 8AM and all that... However, he seems to function the best in such a setting. He actually seemed to be pretty happy in there too.

Either way, this cannot continue. I have to have either him or myself removed from this situation.

You say this can't continue but you are allowing it. From your description of what he is doing above, that is disgusting and I would leave out the door. Not walk, but ran as fast as I could. He is using you as a puppet and that is n't love. His behavior is appalling.

 

[RitaE]

Well here is my very blunt and honest reaction.

I simply don't know what to say about the money. People are extremely selfish and unreasonable about money. I don't know what you want, I don't know what you deserve. Talk to your lawyer about the money. Lawyers get paid to take your side. Internet communities are free, and free is usually about what it is all worth.

It seems to me that you have petitioned a whole bunch of lawyers for opinions about stuff, the same way you keep petitioning here about stuff. Time to pick a lawyer and go with it.

We fought an incredible amount today. I told him I would get him set up to be taken care of, and I was GONE... I don't think he believes me.

Truthfully I don't think I believe you either and I suspect that if we set up a DIS Poll, it wouldn't go in your favor. But I'd really really really like for you to prove me wrong. I'd also really really like for you to quit threatening him, which is really just another way to wage the war between spouses, and inform him what you have decided and then do it.

WHY do I take him to these appointments? If I do not? Who else will? His family is of no help. I thought they would pitch in, but no. If I am not the one to do it, he will just stay here in the apartment and go without.

I'm pretty sure a couple of million people went to medical appointments today without your help. He will too, if he wants to and he decides to. He can call a cab. He can call for one of the medical transport services. He can pay somebody. He can beg his sister. Or he can just not go, if that's what he decides. You don't need to look stuff up for him. He's a grown man.

If you had a diabetic a cup, and they roll up to the drink machine and fill it up with regular soda, what can you do?

This again? What you do is not enable him. If he wants to obtain a cup and roll himself up to a machine that's on him. That doesn't mean you just give him what he wants. What do you do? You say: No, I will not get that for you.

but it is just so hard to face the wrath. He is not one bit shy about yelling at me in public, and yea that looks really nice fighting with somebody in a wheelchair.

Yes it is hard to face the wrath. Absolutely. Which is why you are repeatedly advised to walk away. Let's be honest here. You are the one with two working legs and a set of car keys. You want to leave, you leave.

The world thinks I am evil I know.

No. We actually don't think you are evil. We do kind of see a woman standing in front of us continually knocking herself between the eyes with a hammer going "Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow Somebody make it stop!" and as I appoint myself as spokesperson for the world, we are pretty darn frustrated with the whole thing. What more do you want? If you think there is somebody out there who is going to come along and physically remove the hammer from your hands and then monitor you for the rest of your days to make sure it doesn't start up again ….. it isn't going to happen. Stop it or keep saying Ow! It's your choice.

The reason I do not know of all of his bills is he hides this stuff from me... or attempts to do so. While in skilled nursing, he had his mail routed there. He had his sister go get money orders to pay his bills (that is what gave her the opportunity to steal money). He put his ATM card in the hands of somebody who has stolen before instead of allowing me to know what is going on.

I'll just say it again. Money makes people are extremely selfish and unreasonable. You might be, he might be. I'm not going to choose a team here. Your lawyer will have the ability to force disclosure. Your lawyer will be paid to present your side of the case.

 

[FairestOfThemAll37]

OP, the more I read about your situation, the stranger it all seems. Don't get me wrong, I think you do need to lead as this is really a toxic and horrible relationship. You do need to get out. If he is constantly screaming and yelling at you and calling you horrible names, that is not okay. And he only physically abused you once? That is one too many times!

I am confused about how you are his primary caregiver, yet you do not seem to fully understand or have knowledge of his medical situation. If I had to quit a job to provide 24 hours round the clock medical care for my spouse, I would be in every single doctor's appointment, meeting with whomever would speak to me at the skilled care facility, etc. So you just drive him to appointments, have no idea what is discussed or the details of his condition? (I understand patient privacy, etc., so no one needs to lecture me on that. I am just saying that if I were the caregiver for my spouse, he would want me in all of those appointments to help his listen to and understand his treatments, medicines, etc.)

Also, you quit your job to care for him and he hides all bills and financial information from you? What money do you live off of? You should have fully knowledge of all of the financial aspects of this as well.

At this point, I don't think anyone knows what else to say or recommend...

The OP definitely has a certain level of culpability in her situation.

However, it's not like abusers tend to be really open and honest. You said it yourself, your husband would *want* you in those appointments. OP's husband only seems to want her around when he needs her and certainly doesn't seem to want her privy to his medical details. Despite being a spouse or caregiver as a legally competent adult her husband has no need to disclose anything to her.

I truly hope OP really does leave.

 

[morgan98]

The OP definitely has a certain level of culpability in her situation.

However, it's not like abusers tend to be really open and honest. You said it yourself, your husband would *want* you in those appointments. OP's husband only seems to want her around when he needs her and certainly doesn't seem to want her privy to his medical details. Despite being a spouse or caregiver as a legally competent adult her husband has no need to disclose anything to her.

I completely agree with what you are saying. I guess I was more or less listing out things that really don't make sense. I mean how could she every be a successful caregiver when she does not have access to his medical information? To me, this is even more of indication that it is time to move on. The husband either doesn't really trust her or want her help caring for him anyway.

 

[NewRVLady]

Adult DIAPERS!!!!

I still cant figure-after all the poop mess you report over and over -why he isn't wearing them????

 

[Chocolate Cake]

The reason I do not know of all of his bills is he hides this stuff from me... or attempts to do so. While in skilled nursing, he had his mail routed there. He had his sister go get money orders to pay his bills (that is what gave her the opportunity to steal money). He put his ATM card in the hands of somebody who has stolen before instead of allowing me to know what is going on.

If he is crafty enough to do all of this, he is capable of arranging a ride to his appointments.

Pack your clothes and your cats and walk away. Don't even say good-bye. Never talk to your abuser again. End of story.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

He is not one bit shy about yelling at me in public, and yea that looks really nice fighting with somebody in a wheelchair.

Why would you fight with him? When he yells at you, look right through him, and proceed to your car. Drive away from the abuse.

 

[littleblackegg]

Did you go in with him to see the doctor?
Did the doctor witness any of his inappropriate behavior toward you?
Does the doctor have current, correct information about his interest/ability in caring for himself, his current eating habits, etc. Or did your husband lie or omit facts about his current condition??
Can you pull the doctor aside and communicate your concerns and frustrations?

Doctors and nurses who see patients like this always want a family member present. The potential for miscommunication and lawsuits is enormous. Everyone has to hear the same thing.

 

[littleblackegg]

OK. This sounds harsh, but I have managed many situations like this as an RN. There are caregivers who want answers and solutions and there are those who have become almost addicted to feeling abused and overwhelmed and need to be reinforced that they are truly giving and wonderful people and their egos become driven by this. They respond poorly to questions that require concrete answers and want simple solutions for situations that require the intervention of multiple professionals. They present themselves as helpless and without resources, claiming no one will assist them. I suspect this caregiver is the latter and we may be actually harming her by continuing to ask her questions she will not answer and expect her to participate in her own self care. We have given her excellent information and she can refer to to it. I think it would be best if we all step away from this conversation so she can focus on the tasks at hand. I am confident she knows what they are.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

Co-dependency is a witch.

 

[Pamlur]

I will say that it is difficult to get an adult diaper on a small, willing adult. I think it would be impossible to get one on an obese, unwilling adult.

I can offer the obvious; go through the drive through and order him water, or no drink and take a bottle of water. Don't give him the opportunity to roll over to the drink dispenser. But I know that we are all wearing our typing fingers out for nothing.

 

[Hrhpd]

OK home from the Doctor's appt. he had today. It was a very bad day as far as the screaming at me and telling me that he hates me and all that per usual. He was ruthless today and pulled no punches about his opinion of me the whole time. He said that the only reason I am staying with him is I believe I can get my hands on a sizable lawsuit money he has (possibly, I will believe it when I see it) coming in.

In regards to some of the questions raised... I am 43 he is 57. He has only been physically abusive really once, but he has threatened a lot.

What have I done today? Well while I was waiting on his doctor stuff I called some law offices and asked a couple simple questions about jurisdiction in divorce cases. I also looked for, and found a place in another town that would take my cat and me both. I also had to schedule him ANOTHER doctor's appt. tomorrow because he is sick. This pooping all over everything all the time has to stop. I guess I made the mistake of calling my sister in-law instead of just letting nature run its course. We fought an incredible amount today. I told him I would get him set up to be taken care of, and I was GONE... I don't think he believes me. Once he is done yelling, he thinks things are fine. Right now he is in the living room watching TV and I a locked in my bedroom packing my stuff. I am taking a break. He doesn't think I will leave, I guess because I have threatened too many times. I also told him I am not going to ask for one penny of his money. I am not about that money.

WHY do I take him to these appointments? If I do not? Who else will? His family is of no help. I thought they would pitch in, but no. If I am not the one to do it, he will just stay here in the apartment and go without. I am trying to give him enough notice to get his stuff in order because I can't continue doing for him. We live in the middle of nowhere so to go to the specialists, and serious hospitals it is at least an hour drive. I am looking for some kind of public transportation for him.

And NO, I am not passively trying to kill him, that is the last thing I want to happen. If you had a diabetic a cup, and they roll up to the drink machine and fill it up with regular soda, what can you do? Maybe it is passive abuse on my part, but it is just so hard to face the wrath. He is not one bit shy about yelling at me in public, and yea that looks really nice fighting with somebody in a wheelchair. The world thinks I am evil I know.

The reason I do not know of all of his bills is he hides this stuff from me... or attempts to do so. While in skilled nursing, he had his mail routed there. He had his sister go get money orders to pay his bills (that is what gave her the opportunity to steal money). He put his ATM card in the hands of somebody who has stolen before instead of allowing me to know what is going on.

Who is buying the groceries if he keeps the money from you? Who pays the rent? How do you not know anything about his illnesses, yet you know how to research doctors and make the proper appointments for him? How can he be on psych meds without followup? You say he is on 3 different, very high potency psych meds, but has no contact with a psychiatrist?

And you did not hand him a cup, you drove through White Castle and Dairy Queen on the way home. You also left in the car later to go buy strombolis. So, apparently he can be left alone for awhile if you can go do junk food runs for him.

Next time he yells at you, get in the car and go for a drive. If he can be left alone so that you can go get Strombolis, you can go see a movie or even just drive around for a couple of hours. If he knows you will walk out the door if he tries to yell at you, you will be one step closer to reclaiming control of your life.

If you do not take him to the Dr's appts, his family will step in once they see that you are truly serious about stopping helping him. They don't pitch in because you do everything. And if they don't, well, if he is smart enough to hide funds and contact his sister to do his financial deeds, he is smart enough to figure out how to get to a dr's appt.

There are people who are being abused and not being able to see a way out, but those people don't typically blog on an internet discussion forum their daily trials and tribulations and how badly they are being abused. And blogging for several years on the same internet forum with the same problems. In June of 2014, you wrote almost the same vent with all the same advice. This is more indicative of a person that needs the codependency for whatever reason. Ask yourself why you are still there.

I truly hope you prove those starting to have doubts completely wrong and actually do the stuff you say you need to do. Get out. Get your life on track.

There is low income housing in the middle of nowhere? Learned something new.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

Okay, I just got home from picking my son up from his creative writing class at the local university.

Anyway, sounds like you are putting together a plan of action and that's a good thing. Can't wait for the next update and hope it has only positive information.