Military wives --- is it just me?

[poohbear1029]

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[jwsqrdplus2]

Having been a career woman (part time in ANG last 20 months) all of my marriage to an AF pilot, I can sympathize with some things you say; however, you have missed out on one of the great parts of the military with your DH's career limiting him to Hanscom.

If you had had the opportunity to move away from your family to a foreign (not necessarily overseas) evironment, you would better understand the instant affinity military families have. Do I miss out on things because I work? Yes. But I do participate in evening functions when I can get a sitter. Do I instantly bond with my fellow pilots wives? Yes. Are they my best friends in the world? Not always, but they are women who have been through the exact same things I have, and we are all extremely supportive of each other. My DH deployed for 3.5 months along with 8 other pilots, 1 month after youngest DD was born. All the wives left behind rallied to keep each other sane. We would trade off babysitting so each of us could get a break, etc. I too nurture friendships, but there is something to be said for meeting women who understand your life/life style without having to explain.

Minor flame, but trying to explain a different point of view!

 

[Trinity721]

poohbear, take a deep breath... it sounds like you have a lot on your mind! And I understand where you're coming from as my DH is in the Navy and as of right now I am here in Chicago with our daughter while he is stationed in Florida. In almost 2 years that we've been married (we've been together for 6) we have lived together a total of 6 months... 6 months! And I am totally with you, that for all the hard work and sacrifice the service men and women make it sure doesn't pay enough But I also support my husband, and am proud of what he does.

For some people the military is just a career, and it's just their job. But for others, they make a life out of the military. It's sad to see military families with children who constantly have to move around, and the kids can never make any real friends. It's a tough life.

As far as the Military Wives Club is concerned, I do not get involved with that... I find that they are older wives, and "veteran" military wives. And because I am quite young, I always feel that they look down on me like I am just another chick trying to bum off another military man. SO not the case! But my husband has only made a few close friends in the Navy and we are only friends with one other Navy couple. He doesn't expect me to "hang out" with other military wives. Like I said, he only has a few other close friends in the Navy... Other guys that he meets he calls "single serving friends" because you meet them and then later they forget you or you forget them.

Like you, I don't make my husband's career mine and I never intend to (although it is a very big part of our lives together). While I support him completely and am also proud of what he does, I am determined to have my own career and expect him to feel the same way about what I do as I do about what he does. In fact, that's why I'm still in Chicago and not following DH around... I'm finishing nursing school here, so I will have a good chance of getting a job wherever he may be and he knows working in the health industry is what I have always wanted. So although it is really hard to be apart like this, we understand that in the long run this is the best thing we can do.

I wish that DH could be stationed here at Great Lakes, but with the job he chose there is nothing for him to do here but teach. He may eventually do that, but he is due to go out for his 6 month tour next year. I am certainly dreading that. I have found that the Navy has tried to work with our family and other families to make life reasonable. I agree that more families would be happier and stay in longer if the military catered more to their needs. How do they expect a spouse to establish a career with all the moving around? I'm sure if there was some way to make everyone happy and not have these men and women move around so much, it would have been figured out by now. That's not much comfort, I'm sorry. But I think it's very complicated to make everyone happy. In my experience and other friends' experiences, the Navy has tried to keep families together as much as possible. I can't believe that the AF almost didn't station your DH in OH b/c being near his family would be "distracting"! That's ridiculous, but I'm so glad to hear it did work out for you.

I know it's frustrating. You are very lucky to have your husband stationed close to you and your family... I may have to wait until DH gets out for that to ever happen again. But I would much rather travel all over the country with my husband and our daughter than sit here in Chicago away from him, and only see him a few days a month. They're not kidding when they say being a military wife is the hardest job in the military!

I'm rather new to being a military wife, but I just want you to know that there are some of us out there that are like you, fed up and frustrated with the system, and don't want to be involved in the "politics" of other wives. No offense, of course, to any other military wives who have had good experiences. But mine have all been negative.

Good luck to you and your family, Poohbear! I hope everything goes smoothly. And if you ever need to vent or just to talk, you can always PM me. I have found that the other military wives on the DIS have been great to talk to

 

[Keli]

I was thinking along the lines as the last poster. I've never been a military wife but I have moved far from all family and friends before and I've found that when I'm really new to an area that I tend to make friends with others much faster than I add friends when I'm living somewhere for a long time. I think when you don't know anyone very well you tend to bond with others quicker than you would if you already had a network of friends in the area. That's probably why they are reaching out to you so quickly and you aren't as interested in reaching out to them. You have a network of friends all around you but they don't just yet.

BTW, I wholeheartedly agree that the the military should strongly consider studying whether they could change some of their proceedures regarding military placement without compromising their effectiveness. I think all of the moving around and uprooting military families have to do contributes to their high divorce rates.

 

[AirForceRocks]

I'm a military wife, but then again, I'm not, since I'm also active duty AF, and I understand exactly what you are saying poohbear1029. Many military wives, (from my experience, usually the wives of officers) do make their husband's military career their own. I think part of this stems from the way officer promotions are done, especially in the higher ranks - there is "mold" that officers should fit into, and boxes that need to be checked off. Part of that is involvment in unit activities, and these also include families, so I think there is some subtle pressure there for wives to fit a certain "mold" as well. The joke used to be that a man couldn't make General unless he was married, and woman couldn't make General if she was married.

We have been very lucky - we were at one duty station for almost our entire careers - DH was there for 15 years, I was there for 13 years, so it can be done. Much of it depends on which career field you choose - our AFSC is limited to very few locations, and since the AF tries very hard to keep dual military couples together, our PCS options have been very limited. Speaking only for the AF, as I don't know how other branches handle it, the military tries to balance the needs of the family with the needs of the mission. Obviously, the mission will always win out.

But I do understand your frustration - the best thing I can tell you is to continue to politely decline, until and unless it begins to affect your DH's career. At that point, you both will just need to decide what you need to do in order to be comfortable with your choices.

 

[poohbear1029]

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[BibbidiBobbidiBOO]

I was told, as a young officer's wife, that in order for DH to get ahead, I must be involved. That meant the monthly coffee's and the hail and farewells were for the most part, mandatory. I also had to lead these "get together's" when we lived overseas and he was a company commander. I was and still am a SAHM. This did become my "job" for that commanding period. I do think because you are near family that your need is different. We were far from family and enjoyed being with other American's. But I did resent being told that I HAD to do this, and when we lived in the states I would not always go. Anyway, DH got out and into the reserves, so I don't have to deal with it now ! But I will say that I look on our time overseas, with just our military friends and no family as a highlight in our lives. We really shared and went through a lot together. We grew up too.

 

[mrsdon]

I was a navy wife for 20 years. When we 1st got married the wives stuck together alot more. By the time we retired we were lucky if 6 wives would show up to a function.

 

[rae519]

The times are different now then they were during our active duty time, but as both an active duty member and military wife, I found that a polite "no" would always suffice. Even after I resigned, I began working as a full-time RN and other wives realized that I didn't have the same leisure time they did. Did DH's career advance? Yes. We've been out now for over 12 years and still miss the life!

Best wishes to you as you continue down your paths,
Rae

 

[BibbidiBobbidiBOO]

Some of the old school wives are STILL around(in the army at least) It was about 9 years ago I was told to do something by the Lt. Col. wife or DH's evaluation would be reflected(DH was a Captain at the time). This woman is STILL around I have heard and still at it ! DH is a reservist and I will be taking the kids 2 hours away to a family get together soon as it is "expected" with him in his position. I don't mind as these things are very rare in the reserves.
Good luck to you.

 

[katerkat]

As a new military wife... I'm not involved in the Officer Spouse's Club. I went to one meeting and it was all about kids. That's all they talked about! Since I have no kids and won't have any for another 2-3 years... I didn't join.
I do hang out with the wives in Bryan's class a bit, but unfortunately, he's now in a class where I'm the only wife that's here. (The other wife is in med school in Kansas.) Plus, I work 40+ hours a week, a lot of which is night meetings, so I don't have time for teas and such.
I was told that my involvement would be beneficial to Bryan's career. (Schmoozing with the "right" people.) And I don't have a problem being involved when I'm a SAHM. But right now, I have my career and that's what's important to me.
Oh, and we're stationed in the middle of nowhere, 17 hours from friends and family.

 

[Christine]

I was a military wife for 8 years. I think the biggest reason you feel differently is because you haven't had to pack up and go somewhere that you don't know a soul.

I am a fairly reserved person and I don't make close friends that easily--I'm very choosy. But when DH was sent out to a base in Maine (God awful), I made some good friends pretty quickly. The luckiest thing for me (I didn't know it then) was that my husband was enlisted. We didn't have the pressure to have some social career. It was all about having fun and plain, old friendships. No pressure, no activities, no coffees, etc. I did work at the Officer's Club and saw it all though, and I don't think I would like that.

We were then sent to Japan for 4 years and I met some really great people who I am friends with even 10 years later. I would never have given up that. While not moving around is good for you, moving around and making those connections can also be great. I think that is what these women are trying to do. In their past "careers" as military wives, they have already probably met some great people, and really miss them. Again, though, the officer's wives are a different matter. When I was in Japan, I worked as a civil servant adminstrator to two different commanders on the base and, whew, I got to see a lot of that officer's wives lives up close. Not for me, but I'm sure that there are some really good aspects to it.

So, while I really see where you're coming from, I can also see their side too.

 

[AirForceRocks]

The luckiest thing for me (I didn't know it then) was that my husband was enlisted. We didn't have the pressure to have some social career.

I agree that this makes a huge difference, at least in the Air Force it does. In the Air Force, enlisted members pretty much hold their advancement through the ranks in their own hands, at least up through E-7. Due to the use of records review board after that, more schmoozing is often necessary, ensuring that you were in the "right" jobs, etc.

For example, DH and I made the conscious decision to stay in Alabama for many years, knowing that it would most likely stop our promotions at E-7. The trade-off was a more stable family life, which was (and is) more important to us than increased pay and a higher retirement income.

 

[figmentvi]

Interesting thoughts everyone !!

I was hoping that my DD Holly (sydally9367) would post as she probably has some good thoughts on this subject. Her's would be a different prospective as she is the spouse of an enlisted soldier, who has been in for 8 years and she was once a soldier herself.

They are stationed at West Point right now, so I believe they would have a very strong Officer's Wive Club there.


Linda

 

[nuke]

I also think it's different for enlisted wives. My DH was on submarines and I was active duty working in the Navy hospital.

The first meeting the wives had for the guy's 6 month deployment, some of the wives looked at me like I had 6 heads because I was also active duty.
We also didn't have kids at the time and most of the activities were geared around kids. Because of that and work issues, I didn't go to many functions. Also all the officer wives were putting together trips to meet the boat in Singapore and Hong Kong. Not one enlisted wife was invited to come along yet we had to read about it in the monthly newsletter.

 

[RUDisney]

I couldn't believe the first time that my best friend told met that she had to hostess a tea party for the officers' wives. She's a doctor for crying out loud. At the time, she was a resident... can you say 80+ hour work weeks, and yet, she had to host the tea.

She actually didn't mind, as she knew it would be good for DH's career. I have never seen anyone work a room as well as she does. That was definitely learned by being an officer's wife.

Last year at this time, she and her DH were finally being reunited to live in the same state. She was in NY and he in RI with their daughters. They'd get to see each other and be a real family on weekends. Why did they do this? He had to go to war training school for 1 year and she had a wonderful job at West Point's Cadet Clinic. This is a job that doesn't require any on call hours, so it is perfect for her and her family. If she gave up that job to move with him, she'd have never gotten it back as someone else would have filled it.

Now, her DH is studying for his PhD and she is still at the clinic. Once finished, he'll be teaching again at West Point, and she'll continue to host tea parties and go to hail and farewells.

 

[BibbidiBobbidiBOO]

When DH took his Officer's Basic course fresh out of college the wives took classes on being an "officer's wife"-how to throw a coffee or tea, etiquette etc. It was fun at the time as we were newly married(3 weeks), had no kids nor family around and I met some fun people my age.
It was really "hush hush" and illegal for an evaluation to include the wife, BUT we were told point blank that though the words on the form could not point a finger at us, it WOULD reflect our behavior and involvement. I was told this at my first official "coffee" after his OBC course. I was terrified! I did what was expected and met some great people along the way but was NEVER one of the stuck up Officer's wives . My SIL filled that mold pretty well though .

 

[Trinity721]

These are some really great comments and I hope that poohbear has gotten the support and advice she needs.

I failed to say that my DH is enlisted, and I realize that it is very different for enlisted wives and officers' wives. I had no idea about this "requirement" that wives be involved in their husbands' careers. I can be civil to people, but pretending to like someone when I don't... I couldn't stand it!

Living in VA with my DH was both wonderful and lonely. I didn't make any friends there, didn't know a soul. Mostly I stayed at home with my new daughter and DH, but it did get lonely. Still, I would rather be wherever my husband is than near my relatives and friends without him. That is even more lonely. I wish I could have both, but that would be asking for too much from the military I just think, every day we are closer to being a real family again...

 

[BibbidiBobbidiBOO]

Trinity721, you DD is precious ! I give you a lot of credit for being a Navy wife. Not sure how I would have held up with so many long deployments. Hang in there!

 

[poohbear1029]

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