MIL Vent About Guilt Trips

[becka]

MIL called again tonight to mention that she might have to come up Christmas Day as well as this weekend because otherwise she won't get to see her grandson during his first Christmas but she just doesn't understand why we can't drive up there for the day. They are calling for snow (where she saw this report I have NO idea because I have not seen it) and she just does not understand...is there anything we can do to change our Christmas plans? ..... blah....blah....blah....blah...

Well yes of course we can change all of our plans around and I can just quit my job (I am on call for the 24-26) and ........

She talked to DH first and DH told her that we cannot under any circumstances change our plans. She is welcome to come here this weekend and Christmas if she so wishes but we cannot and will not be at her house. Then she asks to speak to me and the whining starts to me. She will miss her grandson's first Christmas and isn't that terrible, etc. I guess she fails to remember that my family is 8 hours away this holiday season and that while she gets to see DS pretty much anytime she wants my parents have seen him 3 times since he was born. They wish we could spend Christmas with them as well but they totally understand and would never dream of giving us a hard time.

Who did I make mad to deserve this? I am so sick of the guilt trips and it is not making me feel guilty at all but it is sure giving me some very non-Christmas-y feelings toward her!

ARGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I feel a little better now....at least until she calls again.

 

[Serena]

{{{hugs}}}}} Don't let her get to you.

 

[worm761]

{{HUGS}}
my boyfriend just told his mom we wont be going to her house for christmas. thankfully our phone hasnt been connected at the new house yet so he called on the cell phone and made it a quick call!

 

[nativetxn]

{{{HUGS}}} sweetie. If it is so important to her to be with her grandson on Christmas day she will make the drive won't she?

She would rather you put our Nathan in the car and drive <b>him</b> through snow to her house so that she won't have to drive through snow to see him?

Hmmmm, I think I would mention that to her if she said it again.

Try to not feel guilty...I know it's hard

 

[ByTheSea]

Try HARD not to let her get to you. There are some people you simply cannot please no matter what. The more you cave in, the more they demand.... but you can control whether or not it get's to you. Sounds like your DH is very supportive and firm on your position on this, that's great!

 

[Buckalew]

I can relate to this...

Oh, the stress of the holidays, especially once you have kids.
I'm lucky also, so far, DH has always stood up for us with family.
I hope she'll reconsider driving to see you all. It is so much easier not to have to pack up everything but the kitchen sink.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I really honestly thought things were settled and relaxed somewhat for this holiday for you. You need to bite on some shoeleather to get thru this holiday. Oh and KUDOS to your dh for standing up to his mom! Now that is a man...
{{{HUGS}}}

 

[Kteacher]

{{{hugs}}} to you. I've been there, and it's no fun. My MIL used to insist on coming over Christmas day at about 7:30 in the morning. She would expect breakfast, lunch, and dinner to be served to her, and would nerver lift a finger to help (she still doesn't). Be happy that DH is supportive of you. Mine is a wimp when it comes to his mother.

 

[Mskanga]

Becka, I did not mind going to my inlaws any other time of the year of even on Christmas day before I had children but after I had children I made it very clear that Christmas would be spent at home with just dh , myself and the children and I never bent that rule! We can get together any other day for Christmas gift exchange if that's what they wanted to do so we started getting together Christmas Eve instead of day. Eventually everyone followed and thought staying home on Christmas Day with our own families was a good idea as we all get to enjoy the time with our families.
Don't feel bad for your MIL, she has to understand that you have your own family now and if anyone has to travel, it's her and only if it's ok with your family.
My inlaws were not too close from us ( about 2.5 hours away ) but my family are all 7.000 miles away ( in Spain ) talk about missing milestones with kids....my parents missed a lot of them!

 

[figmentvi]

If your MIL gets to see your DS whenever she wants, she should count her blessings. I get to see my grandchildren maybe twice a year if I'm lucky (and it kills me). I guess some people just make a hobby out of making others miserable.

 

[mamajoan]

Becka.. will you please tell your MIL something for me?

Dear MIL... quit your belly aching. I live almost 1900 miles from my ds and 1st and only grandson. I will be seeing my grandson for the FIRST time on Dec. 28. He will be 16 months old at that time. I am soo happy. We have been unable to travel to see him and vice versa. You are so lucky to be able to see your grandson as often as you do. Please realize that your dil and son try very hard to honor your wishes... in fact it sounds to me as if they bend over backwards to do so. But girlfriend.. they have a life too. I suggest that you count your MANY blessings in this life.
I am sure that you will be a strong and loving presence in your grandson's life.
Joan.. a first time grandma too.

Print it up and give it to her Becka..

 

[faith]

I'm a MIL and I know it has to be a give and take relationship. Sounds as if she should be the one to cooperate this time because of your work, etc.
I hope she does decide to come your way(there is only one of her), and that you all have a good holiday together. Hugs.

 

[The LK 4]

becka,
They love to lay those guilt trips on us! My MIL sees my children at least twice every week - at church on Sunday and she watches them after school for me once a week. We spend every Memorial Day and Labor Day weekend with them at their cottage, every New Years Eve with them at my SIL's house, every Christmas Day is spent at their house, we always attend Easter and Christmas services with them, plus we see them tons more during the year! Yet she always throws a major fit and guilt trip if I decide that we are going to eat at my mother's house for Easter or Thanksgiving. Hello! I have a family, too! I'm glad your DH sticks up to his mother. Mine (and everyone else in his family) just lets his mother do whatever she wants. It's very frustrating for me to be the only one going against her! I come from a large family (7 children) and it's very rare that we all get together, so the holidays are usually our only chance. I think it is selfish of her to demand that we always see her, because she only has 2 children and 4 grandchildren that she sees constantly.
Whew! Thanks for letting me vent with you!

 

[lil mermaid]

Oh Becka, I SO feel for you. She is being totally unreasonable and MANIPULATIVE. Please try not to let her get to you (easy to say, hard to do, I know) and enjoy your Christmas with your gorgeous little baby!

 

[Disney Debbie]

Count your blessings that you have a good DH who's man enough to stick to his guns.

And here's a tip that will help you with your son when he gets older - Ignore whining. My DD tried it a few times as a young child - and I'd tell her to go to her room and whine because I wasn't interested. I NEVER gave in to whining because I never wanted her to think it was a successful method of getting her way. The last time she whined I just looked at her and said, "Has that ever gotten you your way?" and she looked back and said, "No" and she quit! Although you can't send your MIL to her room! - you can either cut telephone conversations short when she starts the whining, "No, sorry we won't be able to change our plans - Oh I hear the baby - gotta run" or when she's there in person get a glazed look in your eye, wait until she's done and then make a comment about your favorite television show or something else totally unrelated. She'll either figure it out lik my pre-schooler finally did - or at least it will shorten the whining sessions!

 

[Kermit]

{{{Hugs}}} It sounds like your DH is supporting you, which is good. Next time she starts in on you, I'd see if DH would be willing to take the phone (tell her you have to change Nathan or something) so that he can be firm with her. He should be the main go-between since it is his mother.

I do sympathize. My ILs are already wanting to know when we'll go visit them so they can see the baby. DH's mom lives in Ft Worth and his dad lives in Michigan. They both seem to think that we should go driving across the country with a tiny baby so that they can see him. That's just not going to happen. If they want to see him, they can come here. Until then, we'll happily send them videos and pictures over email.

 

[disykat]

Disney Debbie's post reminds me of what I often say to my kids. "You are free to present your arguments to me in writing, at which point I will consider them." Maybe this would work with MIL - LOL! (Unfortunately, she'd probably do it!)

Vent away here and let your dh deal with it. It sounds like she's still working on him to come without you. What would be best is if he came right out and said it's most important for the three of you to be together, period. Even if he's already said it, she evidently hasn't gotten that point.

I don't envy you - stick to your guns! There's tons of firsts coming - the first year he can open his own presents, the first year he really understands etc. etc. She needs to understand now that while grandparents are a wonderful, important part of his life, his parents, not grandparents, have priority.

 

[Kallison]

For Christmas I put my foot down as soon as we had kids - there will be no traveling on Christmas day. I haven't budged since. My parents have no problem coming to see us. Just tell her from now on, Santa will be at your house and it's not fair to expect a kid to be dragged away from his toys. Granted he wouldn't know this year but she might as well get used to the fact that you are staying HOME for Christmas. Another argument is that you want to make your own holiday traditions, she can either be a part of them at your house or not. And my final argument - It's easier for you to come to us, then for us to come to you.