MIL Situation

[badblackpug]

My friend has 3 boys 11, 8, 6. Her MIL called the other day and offerred to take the boys to WDW for a week, her expense, including airfare. The problem is she only wants to take the 8 and 6 year old stating the 11 year old "has been there before" (technically so has the 6 y/o but he was so young he remembers very little) My friend offerred to pay the 11 y/o way, including airfare and even offerred to pay for a room upgrade to mod. so that they could get a trundle bed so that MIL could hve her own bed. MIL continues to insist that she only wants to take the younger boys. Now Mom is unsure of whether to let just the younger ones go or to say "no" to the whole trip as it is unfair to the 11 y/o. Unfortunately MIL told the kids before she cleared it with mom, so anyway around it somebody's feelings will be hurt.
She is a single mom and it would have been a hardship to pay for just 1 boys trip, there is no way that she could afford to take all 3 herself.
Any ideas?

 

[disneyfanfamily]

That is just wrong. In my opinion. I would have to say either all go or none. I think that is the only fair option. MIL should understand that. However to even offer to take the 2 and leave out the one just baffles me, regardless if they have gone before. As a mom it would be heartbreaking for me to send my 2 youngest and have the oldest one left stuck at home...

 

[JESW]

Wow! That sounds so heartless! I have a ds11 and a dd7 and I can't imagine someone telling my son that they were taking his sister to Disney but he couldn't go!

If I were the Mom I would say all three or none at all - especially since the Mom offered to pay for the 11 year old so it wouldn't be more of a financial burden for the MIL.

While it would be hard to take 3 boys, I would also think that the older one could help out with the younger two. My kids fight (a lot) but when it comes down to it they do care about each other.

And I certainly don't agree with "he's already been there". So sad for the people who are only alloted ONE Disney trip in their lifetime! As I said, my son is 11 and he has been about 15 times - I still have to add them up.

Jill

 

[POOH&PIGLET]

I agree - all or none.
Imagine how hurtful & damaging this will be if the 11-year-old is left home.
I fear this could have a long-term detrimental affect on him.

Also, someone needs to have a serious conversation with the MIL. I would be worried about her not treating the boys equally when others are not around.

Good luck.

 

[D3sdoll]

I'm sorry I have no helpful advice but I can tell what I would do.

If either grandma offered to take two of my children somewhere and not the third, I would flat out refuse to let them go! (and I have in the past)

We do not play "favorites" with our children. I understand in certain situations (i.e. - friends) they may not do the same things all the time but you are talking about a grandmother.

I babysit for two beautiful girls (9 and 6) and last year the grandmother took the 9yo to WDW but left the 6yo home. Now, she had intentions of taking both but the 6yo was acting up (I mean MINOR kid stuff like not listening), so she decided to only take the 9yo. (I think grandma had planned this from the beginning - you know how you get that feeling?) Now, while I really like the parents, I think they made a grave mistake in this case by letting grandma do this. No, it wasn't my decision but they asked my opinion and they didn't take it (that's ok). The 6yo still talks about being left out and the 9yo still brags in her sisters face (not at my house - I put a stop to it). The are wonderful girls and I don't know how anyone could do that.

Anyway, please talk to your MIL about the long term affects on the 11yo. Also, about someone's feelings getting hurt... I think explaining to the younger boys about their brother's feelings is a better lesson then the one grandma proposes.

hope it works out!

~Telia~

 

[Mcat]

Absolutely not! Would not happen in my house! All 3 or none.

I would have a hard time sending my kids away with someone that would even consider something like that. They obviously have no clue how an action like this would affect the child left out. Even worse, IMO, is to mention something like this to the children BEFORE the MOM have made a decision.

 

[mickeyfan2]

What a heartless MIL. I would tell the kids that they could go only if all three go. Is the 11 year old not her biological grandchild and the other two are?

 

[WantToGoNow]

Especially at that age I wouldn't even think of it - maybe if he were 3 or 4 and wouldn't really understand. I would tell MIL that all of the boys go or none of them could go. Disney World isn't one of those places where if you've seen it once, there's no reason to go back.

 

[daisyduck123]

Hi!
I haven't read other replies but my answer would be "no way". It would be "all or none" for my family. My DD (just turned 12) loved Disney just as much as her 8yo brother. She would be devastated & so hurt to not be able to go to.

Why don't you just make it a family trip & everybody go?

 

[#1 Pocahontas]

At first I thought all three or none. Then I though, maybe not even all three.

I'm guessing the mother is not going. Even at this point, if the MIL agreed to take the 11 year old I am not sure I would let him go. When they get down there would he be treated like a second class citizen by her because "he has been there before"?

 

[lost*in*cyberspace]

I agree - all or nothing. Grandma has some real problems if she doesn't understand how wrong it would be to only take the younger two boys.

I also don't understand why Mom wasn't invited as well (unless she cannot go)?

 

[MELSMICE]

I have to agree with everyone else. All 3 or none. It's just the right thing to do. Gramma needs a lesson in tact, understanding & compassion.

 

[Zoemakes5]

Hmmm, there is so very much wrong with this situation!
Question for you, and I don't mean to be nosy, but how does a single mom have a MIL? Is it ex-MIL, or is she a widow? The reason that I ask is that that can change the dynamic quite a bit.
First, I may have been angry enough that she informed the kids before me that I may have called it off right then and there.
While there have been times that the boys have gone and done things with grandmas and grandpas individually and also together without our DD, the point of those trips was to spend quality individual time with EACH child, not exclude one. If the msg. was, I'd really like to take x this year and y next year, or x now and y next time, then I might consider it. Also, my DD was (forget was, is! ) a handful. We might consider it if one of the grandparents says "I'd really LOVE to take all three, but I just don't think I could handle it all at once". Or, if they said, we can only afford to take two this time. (If we weren't able to cover the difference.)
But, to basically say that the oldest doesn't "deserve" it, even after offering to pay for the cost, then I'd say no. And, I would make sure I'd explain to all the kids right up front why you're saying no. I'd approach it, "well how would you feel if.....".
I'm so sorry about all of this! This is terrible. And, the burden on the 11 y.o. How sad! Especially since MIL already said something to all of them. I know mine would, at some point, say "no, it's okay for them to go, I don't want them to miss out because of me", and then internally say to himself "my grandma doesn't like me anymore."

 

[Disney4Drew]

There's no way I would let her take 2 of them and leave your 11 year old at home. I can't believe she would even suggest doing this....heartless

 

[mom2my3kids]

I would tell her unless you take all three of them, none of them are going..

 

[gris gris]

I'm not sure the grandma is really heartless as some have suggested. She obviously cares quite a bit about her grandchildren. Maybe she feels she can't handle 3 kids by herself and doesn't want to fess up to this? It's easier to say "11 y/o has been there before". As a parent I'd rather have my mother or mother in law have control of my kids if I weren't there to help. What if she loses one of them?

That being said I really wouldn't break my family up like that. Unless the 11 year old said he didn't really care about going to WDW, or I could think of something that the 11 year old would love to do and do a mom/son trip or outing at the same time. If they 11 y/o really wanted to go, and we couldn't figure out a way to get him there with the others, I would tell MIL no.

 

[PeachesDoesHair]

Reguardless of whether or not the 11 year old wants to go, how must it feel to find out your grandma doesn't want to take you, or to watch your siblings go have fun with grandma while you stay home? Honestly. That is just going to create issues between them for a long time. I understand not thinking you can handle all the kids, but if that's the case, then she should wait until the mother can afford both herself and the 11 year old. It's just not right to leave a grandchild out like that---reguardless of whether or not he says he wants to go. Just my thoughts.

 

[puffkin]

That is a tough one. Can the MIL not afford to take the 11 year old or is it simply because he has already gone????

We are running into a similar situation with our nieces. We took our 7 year old niece last year and had a great trip. She has a younger sister that was too young to take at the time. We paid all her expenses and will for the sister when she is big enough. We decided on taken them when they hit 44 inches (They are TINY girls) since they would remember the trip more and be able to ride most things. The parents are struggling financially and will probably never be able to take them.

When we take the youngest niece (probably in 2008) we will not be taken the older one. We can't afford it. The older sister has been told before and after her trip that her sister would be going next and not her. I know it is hard for her to understand, but that is the way it is. If her parents miraculously can afford to pay for her, than great, we will take her. We would love to take them both, but we can't and we owe the youngest a trip. Does that make us bad people? I hope not as we only wanted to make sure that both our nieces got a chance to experience WDW while it is still magical to them.

 

[PaulaSue]

Sorry, none would go if it was my house.

Tell them before talking to the Mom shows no respect for the Mom or the oldest kid. I wouldn't want a person like that around my other 2 kids.

 

[Not so Dumbo]

I think the MIL needs to watch Lilo and Stitch and learn about " Ohana" Nobody left behind or forgotten.