MIL has requested her Christmas present

[krcit]

Doesn't that just re-affirm that the DIL is NOT part of the husband's mother's family?

By saying that it's your husband's job to shop for "his" mom, you've just explained why it's perfectly okay for the OP's MIL's desire to just have "her" family in the picture. Was that your intent?

Good point!


How would you feel if MIL wanted to be in your 'family pic' Your DH wouldn't exist if it weren't for her, right? I'm just being silly but you see where I'm going with this? Don't take it personally esp. since you say she is a cold person. I think it would be really nice of you to get her the picture she wants for Christmas. I bet you'd feel good about it too.

 

[MIGrandma]

I've only read a few of the responses and so far this view point has not come up.

I have two large, framed, lovely family pictures. One from about 1995 and one from about 5-6 years ago. Neither one are on my wall, they are both put away. It hurts to look at them because they both contain my ex-daughters-in-law. It bothers DS to see them as well so for both reasons I removed them from my walls. I was very, very hurt when DS split up with his first wife. We were very close to her. The second wife I did not get as close to because I couldn't bear getting hurt again if that relationship didn't work out, which after a few years they did split up.

So, I can understand your MIL wanting family photos with just the immediate family. If marriages end up breaking up she might not want those photos on her wall any longer, but if it's just her own children/grandchildren she could still keep them up. They will always be her children and grandchildren, no divorce will change that, so those photos would never be outdated.

I do wish we had a family photo on our wall with just myself, DH and our children and grandchildren.

Can't you do both? Family pictures that include everyone, and then some with just her immediate family? Wouldn't everyone be happy that way? I wish I would have thought to do that the last time we had photos taken.

 

[happygirl]

It wouldn't bother me in the least.

 

[robinb]

If I were in your shoes, I would be hurt.

BUT ... you are well aware of the type of woman your MIL is. She doesn't think of her children's spouses are "family" and it seems like you have known this for a long time. I think it would cause way more of a scene/drama if you dug your heels in on this one. I would schedule the photo shoot and then play the little present game with her on the framed photo. You might actually see her open your gift this year .

 

[ginna74]

omg....I thought I was the only one to have the mother in law from hell. Only my MIL isn't as subtle. She will just go for your throat and let you know she is out for blood and you are in no way, shape, or form, FAMILY. At first and for the last ten years it has affected my self esteem, self worth, and just my daily life. Being bipolar hasn't helped either. Oh she hasn't just tried to run me off but has run off at least 2 others and I think another one. boyfriends and hubbys are bad in this family, very bad. BUT I am not running off mwaaaaaaaaaa HA

 

[mdsoccermom]

Meh. Big deal. So she wants a one picture of her, her sons and her grandkids. I see it as a generational picture. Book the photographer, have the picture taken along with some nice family photos for you, and then get over it. You've been married long enough that stuff like this should not bother you.

 

[Becky2005]

No, I wouldn't be offended but then my MIL was always one to want a photo of her 4 boys. The rest of the family lives in England so when DH was there, she would always want some photos of her 4 sons and she would display photos of them from the time they were little until they were well into adulthood. I can understand wanting a photo of just your own children or just the grandchildren.

I guess I have been known to offend everyone then. It's basically a "blood-line" type of picture. True without you, your grandchildren would not be there but if you got divorced tomorrow -- the grandchildren would still be part of the blood line family & technically you would not.

We have lots of pictures that are "generation" pictures -- My grandmother, my mom, me, my siblings & then our kids (or not, if we didn't have them at the time but our spouses were not in the picture). My dad is NOT in the pictures and they will be married 50 years in 2012.

Guess what -- on my dad's side of the family there are pictures with my grandparents in the middle, my dad & all his siblings around them and us grandkids in the pictures. My mom & other aunts/uncles were not in the pictures either.

Then again my sister moved away while I was still in High School so it's nearly impossible for us all to be together to even take a picture. I know at my wedding my in-laws had a picture taken with themselves, my DH & his sister.

For that matter, I have a picture taken with my mom & dad & my siblings without my husband in there too. My mom has the wedding picture of me & my siblings up on her wall from our wedding. My DH is no where to be found in the picture.

I'm thinking your MIL isn't trying to offend you intentionally but if she grew up where having a generational family picture hanging in the family home was tradition, I can see where she would like one.

 

[HM]

I've only read a few of the responses and so far this view point has not come up.

I have two large, framed, lovely family pictures. One from about 1995 and one from about 5-6 years ago. Neither one are on my wall, they are both put away. It hurts to look at them because they both contain my ex-daughters-in-law. It bothers DS to see them as well so for both reasons I removed them from my walls. I was very, very hurt when DS split up with his first wife. We were very close to her. The second wife I did not get as close to because I couldn't bear getting hurt again if that relationship didn't work out, which after a few years they did split up.

So, I can understand your MIL wanting family photos with just the immediate family. If marriages end up breaking up she might not want those photos on her wall any longer, but if it's just her own children/grandchildren she could still keep them up. They will always be her children and grandchildren, no divorce will change that, so those photos would never be outdated.

I do wish we had a family photo on our wall with just myself, DH and our children and grandchildren.

Can't you do both? Family pictures that include everyone, and then some with just her immediate family? Wouldn't everyone be happy that way? I wish I would have thought to do that the last time we had photos taken.

That's a shame. I'm sorry for your hurt. But, you can take a new photo with your family as it is now and put it on the wall, can't you.

My DH's extended family takes a new family photo when a new member is added to the family (by birth or marriage). The portrait will show the make up of the whole extended family at that point in time.

 

[hambirg]

I wouldn't be offended. At our wedding we had family pics done one with both of us and each family and then another version with just me & mine and DH and his. I thought it was normal, until now.

This.

I wouldn't be offended at all. It's pretty common practice in my family. I wonder if it's a regional thing. My folks are both from the midwest and it's not uncommon at all to take those kinds of pictures. Of course, there is always pictures with everybody too. Why not do several different groupings like some PP suggested?

 

[carone0318]

If MIL wanted to book a photo session and have pictures of her "family", I might be upset that I wasn't included, but so be it I wouldn't lose sleep over it.

BUT, I do find a problem if she were to ask me to book a photo session for the "family" shot that wouldn't include me for a gift to her. Nothing like salting the wound. I just find that insensitive on MILs part. She can ask, but there are many times that you just don't get the gift you're asking for. JMHO.

 

[RadioFanatic]

Well, you would hate me bc I actually push for those types of picture, on both dh and my side. I like having the generations his parents, dh and his sister and our respective kids. I also like having them on my side. We also then do a huge group picture, but I think it's nice to show the bloodlines, as a previous poster said.

 

[Aristocath]

I wouldn't be offended and I would do it. But as other posters suggested I would take one with all the family including the DIL and then one without the DIL.

I guess the reason I wouldn't be bothered is that my own wedding photo with my husband's family has my two former sister-in-laws in it. Both of my BILs have remarried and I can't have my family wedding photo in my own home because one sister-in-law wants to pretend the first wife never happened. Whatever, it is a small price to pay for peace in the family.

 

[hereyago]

Why would YOU have to do the booking? I am sure your DH knows how to phone a photographer. And if he doesn't do it especially when your MIL discussed what she wanted with him, so let him deal or not deal with it.

 

[Sgt Mickey]

That's funny because my DH said something the other day about going to visit "his" family and I told him. Okay, married for 23 years now. Exactly when do I get the privilege of being called a family member to you guys?

Honestly if that's what she wants I'd do it. Pictures aren't that big of a deal to me but I understand what you are protesting is the head games. Just rise above it. I know it sounds harsh but statistically, someday you won't have to put up with her anymore. KWIM?

I agree. I do think it is a little rude and not sure how I would really take it but honestly I don't care and that is what she wants then why not but in addition to that take one of all SIL's ONLY and slip it in too

 

[NMAmy]

Both of my BILs have remarried and I can't have my family wedding photo in my own home because one sister-in-law wants to pretend the first wife never happened. Whatever, it is a small price to pay for peace in the family.

Yeah, I don't understand that either. DH married his first wife when he was 21. Since I was only 11 at the time, I don't really get my knickers in a twist over it. They were divorced long before he and I ever met and we have an old photo on our mantel of dh, his first wife, and their dd when she was small. Why would I pretend she didn't exist?

 

[Wishing on a star]

Nope, wouldn't do it.
No way, no how.....
It should be your husband's call.
No way would I even tell him that I think he should or shouldn't.
If he clearly WANTS to do this, let him handle it.

If your DH wants to make arrangments or participate, that should he HIS business. I would have comment or reaction either way, whatsoever.

I would make sure that he understands that gifts for his mother are now his responsibility.

 

[We_Love_Disney]

Your MIL has moxie!

Reading through the thread, I can understand the call for no in-laws though. With 50% divorce rate, why gamble.

You could take the opportunity to have a varied set of groupings. One with just the grandchildren. One of just her children. One of everyone, her included. Ok, and then one of everyone but her. maybe a little bitterness lol.

Families are so much fun. Throw in a few in-laws and let the games begin!

 

[mjkacmom]

Eh. I wouldn't be offended. You have known her for 20 years and know her quirks so don't let it get to you. My MIL wanted a family pic of just her kids when I was newly married. MY BIL had been married over 15 years at that point and his wife was fine with it. Don't sweat the small stuff.

We've done family photos with the IL's, and one of them is a picture of my IL's, DH, and his siblings. I never thought twice about it. I don't know why the wedding photographer had a problem - you get all kinds of combinations.

 

[dodukes]

I guess I dont see the big deal. I like to take all sorts of groupings at the holidays. I can see just wanting your family as a grouping and I understand the point that the grands wouldnt be there without you but if something happened that would cause you to not be around those are still her grands. get it? Im sorry not trying to be offensive. I would just coordinate for photos and take one like she wants and the rest however you like. Like a PP said, if she wanted the other DIL and not you I would be offended but she wants neither so its all good..LOL

 

[The Mystery Machine]

The big deal for me is that my dh is not my child. If he wants to do something for his mother then he can do it.

I could care less what pic's MIL wants.

Makes life simpler when each of us takes care of our parents for gifts.