Middle School problems

[cinlee3]

I am so frustrated with my DS who is 12. He has been making good grades up until the last six weeks and now he has failed two classes.

He is refusing to do his assignments and hasn't turned in a couple of projects. We have a meeting with his team of teachers tomorrow. I am really not sure how to handle him. He has always been on top of everything at school and now he is just so stubborn. He has been this way at home to for several months. He tells me no, calls me names, yells at me. I have taken things away but I can't physically make him do things. At 12 he is taller than me and outweighs me by about 30 lbs. The counselor is supposed to be at the meeting as well.

He is very upset that I called his teacher and doesn't want to face them at all but I told him I have to follow through on this. We tried letting him handle it as he promised he would do better since the progress report but that hasn't worked.

Anyway your prayers on this would be appreciated.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

Boy do I sympathize. My oldest son is also 12 and the past 2 months with him have been a nightmare. I'm sure some of it is his raging hormones and some of it is that we've just added a new baby to the house..... but still he is just A MESS!

He hasn't flunked any classes, but homework time is a nightmare every single day and I'm frankly ready to just let him "do it his way" and fail and then accept the consequences. The other morning I literally grabbed him by the arm and escorted him out of the house and told him he could not return to my house until he could treat me with respect. I actually locked the door and made him ring the bell to get back in.

The only thing I can say is that in talking to the other parents -- they ALL seem to be like this right now. I wish I knew an easy answer, if you figure it out let me know.

 

[Kirby]

Sounds like something might be going on at school. Thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

[Colleen A.]

My son is in 7th grade, middle school. He just turned 13 last month. I don't know whether school has just plain worn out it's 'welcome' and they are all getting stir crazy or it's the hormones kicking in!! Getting him to study is a complete nightmare....that is, unless you "bribe" him!! Last marking period, he brought hom 2 F's (this had never happened before!). I told him no video games or computer til I saw 3 B's come home. The following week, he had 3 tests in different subjects...all B's!! He handed me the tests and said, "Happy?" in this real sarcastic tone!! I wanted to take his privledges away again, simply for that tone, but I stood by my word. Was NOT an easy thing to do!!

I can only hope FOR ALL OF US that this shall pass!! Makes me want to shake all the new mothers out there who are complaining about how HARD they have it and say "Appreciate what you got!!! You don't know how good you really have it!!!"

 

[amid chaos]

My 12 year old has been a pain in the rear the last few months too....thank goodness we have a great teacher that came right out and told him that he is too good a kid for that kind of crap and told him to knock it off.
We have been riding him like a horse the past few weeks, but the teacher saying this has seemed to be the magic that worked.

 

[Blondie]

Oh yes 12, that magical age!

My first son didn't give me any problems at all, he is 13 now.

But my current 12 y.o., yes...it must be hormones or something! And his voice....it's getting so deep he almost sounds like my DH now!

I don't have any problems getting him to do homework, in fact, he voluntarily does it at the same time every evening. It's just his sarcastic way of talking to me, and his overall joyful personality! And he could care less if he brings home an "F"!

I would see what his teachers have to say. It may just be a phase he's going through. Hopefully it's nothing more than that.

 

[FantasticDisFamily]

Boy can I empathize with you all. I'd like to say it gets easier, but perhaps different is a better word. And have come to the conclusion in conversation with my dear friend who is a middle school teacher that

1. Middle schoolers are a different species
2. 6th graders are brain dead because of all the changes they are going through, 7th graders should all be sent to boot camp and only allowed to return at the start of 8th grade (because they have learned to control their MOUTHS a bit by then) and 8th graders have a glimmer of "getting it".

What you are facing is not terribly unusual but that doesn't make it any easier. We have survived #1 - our son all the way through middle school and are almost through 9th grade. At times there is lots of commitment and self-discipline and then....well let's just say having an internet student viewer so we can keep track of grades help keep him on track. #2- our daughter is a 7th grader right now. She has moments when she is WONDERFUL, and moments when we'd like to ....

To paraphrase something a colleague said years ago - if there were ever a jury of TRUE PEERS charged with assessing the guilt or innocence of a mother of a child between the ages of 13 & 15, the mother would walk. BEFORE YOU ALL FLAME me, please read the tongue in cheek nature of that along with the empathy of the mother of one young teen for another!

Deb

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Ah yes my 12yo middle school dd, 6th grade. Well at the start of 3rd quarter she brought home 3 grade updates for Science, Math and Social Studies, (they give them out every 2 weeks) that were D's and pretty close to F's. Found out she was hiding/throwing away failing grades. After notes and phone calls to teachers her Math teacher did a locker check and "found" all her stuff.
So she was grounded from the computer, TV, priviledges and phone until her report card. She had to get a 'C' or better to get her 'fun' reinstated.
The only thing that killed her was NOT being able to play the SIMS and be on the internet.
I am happy to report that much torture was enjoyed by all members of the family as we focused hardcore on her school and she even was able to make the honor roll again.

I haven't seen too much come home this week....hmmmm....I think it might be time for a mom locker check.

 

[piratesmate]

No words of wisdom about the grades, but wanted to share something that worked for us re: tone of voice, lack of respect, etc.

When I was that age it seemed as though my mother was always yelling at me about the way I talked to her. Half the time I didn't know why & sometimes said so. She usually responded with "I wish I had a tape recorder." (This was in the early to mid-60's & not as easy as it would be now.)

Anyway, the first time DS talked to me so fresh & answered with "What? What did I do?" I remembered how I felt when my mother never believed I didn't intend to talk to her "that way." At that point I let it drop & waited until he was feeling more reasonable & in his huggy-kissy mode. (Yes, he still did that at 12!) When he could talk to me calmly, I told him that I remembered feeling the same way, etc, etc. I also told him that if I'd sounded anything like he had, I owed my mother a major apology. He seemed to hear me. He still tended to do it (ahhhh, hormones) & I just asked if he meant to speak that way. That was usually enough to bring it to an end - along with a voluntary apology.

I have to admit, though, that I don't know what I would have done if he hadn't been so reasonable!

 

[cinlee3]

Well I feel better knowing I'm not alone. We did go through the 6th grade thing with oldest DS who is now a senior. He did get better after seventh grade. But this son is so much more head strong.

I know this will pass but we really need to get him under control. He was more afraid of me calling the teacher and having a meeting with him and all of them that maybe since we are following through it will knock some sense into him.

The teacher did say he was too smart for this crap and he is better than that and he said Kevin just stared at him.

Guess we'll see how it goes tomorrow at the meeting but I already know he has a project that was due that he didn't turn it.

None of my friends have kids in middle school so its nice to come here and vent away. Thanks

 

[FantasticDisFamily]

Anytime you feel the need! We all do from time to time!

Deb

 

[jsmith]

Wanna feel better-my older DS was exactly the same way in 7th grade-I thought we were going to beat him unconsious at least twice a week... Next month he will graduate as validictorian of his class, is commended by his teachers for his good manners and excellent behaviour and leadership. He will attend Clemson University in the fall on an academic scholarship. Hang in there-they get better-honest.

 

[December99]

cinlee - you are doing the right thing!!!! I've been dealing with this with dd since the middle of the year in 5th grade!!! And just when I think it's getting better - I get a report that it's not. At least now she's telling me that I'm going to be getting these progress reports (this year is the first year we got progress reports - in the past the teachers just called me). She has such the potential - she is just lazy is what I can figure.

She has an assignment notebook and the past two years was using it well and the teachers that she was having problems with had to sign it each day and I had to sign it each night after the homework was completed. We also had made a folder that she had to put completed homework in (she was completing it but not turning it in sometimes) and that helped her also. She just became a bumbling unorganized idiot - as much as I hate to say it. And she has been grounded and I had done everything outside sending her to live with her dad - which I know wouldn't have solved anything it would have been worse. Then she improved and then it started again. This time alot of it has been she hasn't complete her homework and that started when we got our new cat and she was focusing all her attention on the new cat.

It's very frustrating and I wish all the luck. Come here if you need support because it's very nerve racking and frustrating as a parent and you know they can do better than they are doing.

 

[J&D]

they ALL seem to be like this right now

Yes!!!!

I teach 7th grade, so I know exactly what all of you are going through! I tell the parents of my students that it is a normal transitional period. They are no longer kids, but they are not yet mature young adults either. They remind me of 2-3 year olds trying to assert their independence. Hang in there-- it will get better!

 

[Alice Sr.]

There is a special place in heaven for middle school teachers.
One down and one to go