Message to MY Daughter in Law: UPDATE!!

[luvsJack]

Sweetheart, please do not feel threatened by me. He was my little boy and I love him with all my heart; but now he is your husband and it is a joy to see the love in his eyes when he looks at you. He belongs with you. Stand with him as his wife, but know that I will be behind you both supporting all the way. He is yours. Cherish him as much as he cherishes you.

All that I ask is some time to spend with the two of you. Not just for me, but for his sister, brother, sister in law, niece, father and grandmother. We all love you both and would love a weekend that we can all just spend some time reconnecting.

I don't want to take time away from your family; of course I know they are just as important to you as we are to DS. Maybe we can all talk together and plan a visit that really will give you time for everyone.

 

[m&m's mom]

I am sorry for your hurt.
I am letting my DH take our DD's to his Mothers for the weekend. I am not my MiL's favorite person and she enjoys time w/ just the ones she is most comfortable with so that's fine w/ me.
I have seen my Mom hurt by my SiL so I certainly can see your side although I am not seen as one of the nicest DiL's out there. I really try but MiL and I are very, very different people.
Hang in there!

 

[jaminmd]

Ladies, most of us MIL's really are not out to steal your husband back as our little boys. We love them, we raised them to the best of our abilities and now we have sent them out into the world and hope for them to be successful and happy. We love them dearly but really, WE DO NOT WANT THEM BACK!!

If you do not live close to your mil and you and your dh come to visit.your families, its ok if you make time for his family too. Your mil is not "winning" anything by being able to fix a meal for you and your husband. Your mil is not trying to make you feel like you cannot be with your family, she only wants a little time with her son and with you, her daughter. And, please, remember that your mil is human too. She actually does have a life and so does the rest of your husband's family. They are not sitting and waiting to be graced with your presence, so they need to be told what your plans are for the time you are in town. Sometimes they really do have plans that cannot be changed by your whim.

Making it stressful for your husband to visit with his family is not the best thing for your marriage. When and if it comes to an argument over every visit, its going to be you he is angry with not his mother.

I do realize that there are some MIL that came straight from Hades. But, please, don't just assume yours is going to be that way.


Yes, I am having dil issues. I just don't get it. His first wife was the worst thing for him but the best addition to our family (I am glad she is out of his life, but do miss the way she made herself a part of our family). His second wife, wonderful for him but acts like a spoiled brat about everything! Always has to have her way and if she doesn't get it she makes things impossible for everyone else.

Ok, vent over. Smile on my face, ready to see them and spend an enjoyable day with them. (day, as in a few hours. long enough for me to cook dinner and give them their Christmas gifts. she is mad because she planned to spend that day with her family, although when I asked her their plans I was told they were going to spend the night before and that day with us. So now we get them from exactly the time I told we would eat until she manages to convinces him to leave)

Oh, one last thing. Remember that your MIL was once a young wife too. She is not stupid, she knows what you are doing. She also knows her son and she knows when the message is really coming from you and when it is coming from him.

Why can't she go do her thing with her family while your son spends time with you?

 

[kellyg403]

I agree. I try to be supportive and understanding that dil is closer to her family but sometimes I do feel like the lone man out.

Kelly

 

[Liberty Belle]

I beg to differ. My mother-in-law is not human and she does want my husband back. She was really angry that he "left" in the first place. Actually, now she'd most likely take my sixteen year old son in place of my husband, since he looks the part of the traditional, clean cut family she so very much wants everyone to believe she has.

Sorry - bad day here as far as MIL's go. I'm sure you're a lovely MIL and your daughter(s)-in-law are lucky to have you. Some of us did not hit the MIL jackpot, though.

 

[shelbys mommy]

I beg to differ. My mother-in-law is not human and she does want my husband back. She was really angry that he "left" in the first place.

Sorry - bad day here as far as MIL's go. I'm sure you're a lovely MIL and your daughter(s)-in-law are lucky to have you. Some of us did not hit the MIL jackpot, though.

Ditto!

 

[wdwmom0f3]

I hope that your day goes well. My DH & I are not like that at all, but my MIL goes through it with her son who lives on the same street as they do. DIL will walk inside if she see's them coming and she does other rude things too. We have invited them to our house several times since they were married 7 years ago, and they have not come once. everyone in the family see's how she controls him. She is also a spoiled brat. She only has the best of the best of everything from shoes to whatever. It's insane.

The sad thing is that she is hurting the relationship with not only extended family, but also her husband. My advice to you would be to be as nice and welcoming as you can be. Kill her with kindness. Ask about her family in a nice way & drop it. She will have no one to blame but herself.


I guess that I should add that my MIL & FIL are not the type to butt into peoples business. They are the sweetest people & I feel lucky to have them in our lives.

 

[Nancyg56]

I am so sorry! Have you talked to your DIL? I adore my DDIL but she never really knew it. I know she heard me tell her that I loved her but I don't think she believed it and was always a little suspicious of us (me). I know that some of that came from her experience as a child and her upbringing but that did not make it easier for us.

So one day I sat down with her and I told her that I loved my son....unconditionally. Nothing or no one would ever change that he was embedded in my heart. I then told her that I had nothing to gain by coming between them and everything to gain with the success of their marriage, not just my son's happiness but also my own. I told her that I loved her because my son loved her but that I liked her for herself. And it was all true. My DS knew that things were strained for a while but I never told him that I was hurt although I am sure that he knew. I do tell him all of the time how much DH and I love Erica and how blessed we are that she is part of our lives. THings are way better now, we give her space whenever she needs it and she is open and trusting with us.

I think that it is way easier to accept a DDIL than to blend into a family but I do not get that onesidedness that some women seem to think should happen once they marry. Somehow their husbands family becomes extraneous and simply must be endured for as short a time period as possible.

I hope that you are able to change this DIL's outlook. She will be teaching her own sons how to treat her when they marry.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Awww, I am sorry you have to deal with that luvsjack. Didn't you post something like this before? I think it rings a bell.

I am a DIL and am also a mother to a wonderful 12 year old son. I go out of my way and make family dinners for my in-laws every Saturday and Sunday. They are not always easy, Sat dinners can never be beef because it upsets my FIL since Vietnam and Sundays I make hand made pasta and tomato sauce. I hope, hope, hope that because my kids see me behave this way they will expect their spouses to at least try to be welcoming to our family. If not no-one can say I didn't at least try. You never know what you are going to get do you?

 

[RitaZ.]

Ladies, most of us MIL's really are not out to steal your husband back as our little boys. We love them, we raised them to the best of our abilities and now we have sent them out into the world and hope for them to be successful and happy. We love them dearly but really, WE DO NOT WANT THEM BACK!!

If you do not live close to your mil and you and your dh come to visit.your families, its ok if you make time for his family too. Your mil is not "winning" anything by being able to fix a meal for you and your husband. Your mil is not trying to make you feel like you cannot be with your family, she only wants a little time with her son and with you, her daughter. And, please, remember that your mil is human too. She actually does have a life and so does the rest of your husband's family. They are not sitting and waiting to be graced with your presence, so they need to be told what your plans are for the time you are in town. Sometimes they really do have plans that cannot be changed by your whim.

Making it stressful for your husband to visit with his family is not the best thing for your marriage. When and if it comes to an argument over every visit, its going to be you he is angry with not his mother.

I do realize that there are some MIL that came straight from Hades. But, please, don't just assume yours is going to be that way.


Yes, I am having dil issues. I just don't get it. His first wife was the worst thing for him but the best addition to our family (I am glad she is out of his life, but do miss the way she made herself a part of our family). His second wife, wonderful for him but acts like a spoiled brat about everything! Always has to have her way and if she doesn't get it she makes things impossible for everyone else.

Ok, vent over. Smile on my face, ready to see them and spend an enjoyable day with them. (day, as in a few hours. long enough for me to cook dinner and give them their Christmas gifts. she is mad because she planned to spend that day with her family, although when I asked her their plans I was told they were going to spend the night before and that day with us. So now we get them from exactly the time I told we would eat until she manages to convinces him to leave)

Oh, one last thing. Remember that your MIL was once a young wife too. She is not stupid, she knows what you are doing. She also knows her son and she knows when the message is really coming from you and when it is coming from him.

Well, there it is. Maybe she isn't interested in visiting people that view her in a negative way. It isn't comfortable to be around people that view one as a "spoiled brat". Just a thought.

 

[Tinkmom75]

Just curious. Are they having a late Christmas with both families? I'm sure I've peeved my MIL off, but I really do like her. Sometimes my problem communicating with her is more because of my own insecurities and not knowing how to act. I did ask my DH to ask her not to smoke in our house while she house sat when we were on vacation. I thought it would be best brought to light by him. Maybe I was wrong and should have addressed it myself. She still smoked in our house and specifically told me she did and asked if we could tell I should have said yes, but I didn't want to be mean. I still love her though.

 

[Savanah'sMom]

Well, that's doesn't sound like a fun situation. I don't have any advice. I'm the DIL and have awesome in-laws, I can only hope they think the same about me.

Hopefully your DIL will chill out and not give you DS any grief about spending time with you.

 

[merryweather20]

If all thats true then she should stop coming to my house uninvited when we are not home, and going through our laundry bin thoroughly to pick out her sons items and taking them home to wash.

 

[Disney Doll]

My MIL & I got along fine (she's since passed away), so I feel very blessed to have had minimal MIL difficulties...occasionally she aggravated me but I am quite sure that occasionally I aggravated her...that's what family does. My own mother aggravates me as times too, so I couldn't expect much less from my MIL! She was a good person with a good heart and usually meant well, so even if there were times when I got frustrated, I always tried to remember that.

I often feel badly for mothers or sons because they think their problem is with their DIL when really their problem is that their son doesn't have the "gumption" to stand up to his wife, so he lets the wife take the blame.

 

[Tuffcookie]

I am a MIL and I am blessed that I get along with my DDIL.

TC

 

[SaraJayne]

If all thats true then she should stop coming to my house uninvited when we are not home, and going through our laundry bin thoroughly to pick out her sons items and taking them home to wash.

What??

OP, I have no words of advice.

As someone who married the baby in the family (by many years), it was at first hard for me to understand how torn DH was between his "new" family (myself and DS) and his parents and siblings.

Once I figured out there was plenty of time for all of us, I became much more comfortable with his family and now I'm considered another daughter.

Good luck with today.

 

[luvsJack]

Well, there it is. Maybe she isn't interested in visiting people that view her in a negative way. It isn't comfortable to be around people that view one as a "spoiled brat". Just a thought.

Well, I have never actually treated her like I thought that. We did have a problem once. She and DS were living with my mother and she decided she could start making decisions about things in my Mom's house.

Even the girl's own mother knows she acts like a spoiled brat and has called her on it many times.

I have actually bent over backwards to include her as part of the family and so has the rest of the family. In fact I have been there for her through many medical problems and surgeries when her own mother didn't bother to be there for her (some very serious hospital stays)

 

[jrmasm]

My MIL & I got along fine (she's since passed away), so I feel very blessed to have had minimal MIL difficulties...occasionally she aggravated me but I am quite sure that occasionally I aggravated her...that's what family does. My own mother aggravates me as times too, so I couldn't expect much less from my MIL! She was a good person with a good heart and usually meant well, so even if there were times when I got frustrated, I always tried to remember that.

I often feel badly for mothers or sons because they think their problem is with their DIL when really their problem is that their son doesn't have the "gumption" to stand up to his wife, so he lets the wife take the blame.

Or maybe he doesn't need to stand up to his wife. Maybe he simply isn't that interested in having an involved relationship with his mother. Maybe it really is how he feels?

I hate reading about how the evil wife this, the evil wife that. You have no idea what goes on between the two of them in private so quit assuming.

 

[Mermaid02]

I've asked my mil to take custody of my dh back......... she won't do it.

 

[mrsstats]

I have no problems with my in laws,, however, I do not feel as if I am part of the family and this is after 40 years of marriage. That being said, I am always the one suggesting that we go see them. They only live about 1/2 hour away but DH never wants to go. We see them on holidays and special occasions but not more than that. So sometimes it is not the DL preventing visits.