Meanest Mom in the World alert

[Robinrs]

Oh joy - I can't WAIT until my daughter is a few years older. Sometimes she lets the sass out or lip but one stern look is all it takes and she's back to normal. I can't imagine what it will be like when she is 10-15 (She's almost 7 now).

Note: NOT EVERY CHILD GOES THRU THIS. Just hope yours is fine.

 

[Maleficient]

I don't think anyone is saying reward the bad behavior, just saying that taking away a major event like a b-day party, for what appears to be a frequent problem might not have been the way to go. Besides, now that the b-day party is gone, where's the incentive to change her behavior???

The incentive for good behavior shouldn't be to get a party. It should be to learn how to behave in a family, with peers, and within society. The OP is doing her job as a parent, establishing rules and consequences and the child is still going to have a birthday party. I have two girls, 14 and almost 12 and the years between 10-12 were some of the most difficult for attitude and limit testing due to hormones and everything else we all went through ourselves. It does not give the little darlings a right to behave as they wish and it is our jobs to teach them what is acceptable and follow through with discipline for what is not.

To the OP - good job being a parent!!

 

[BelleRocks]

Sometimes you have to shock them to get their attention. Kids are smart, they know that we parents look forward to things too, and want them to be happy. Sometimes they rely on that and call your bluff.

You have to let them know you are serious. I think OP did the right thing. (Assuming of course that this was only one step in a process that has already been ongoing, and not just a blow-up.)

 

[OceanAnnie]

You are experiencing the dreaded, double whammy. You are doing the right thing and it's a drag, plus you are feeling "mom guilt". Stay strong. It still sounds like a nice party to me, it's just not her "optimal", so don't feel too bad.

She'll know now that her attitude needs adjusting or there will be consequences.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Children are not entitled to birthday parties. (I didn't have one when I was 10!!!!)

But my mother never used a birthday or holiday for a punishment. We as the family would still celebrate. So if you are not having cake and presents at all--I think that is a bit too far IMHO.

Cancelling having her friends over to celebrate was enough IMHO.

I was "punished" one birthday in that manner by my step-mother and dad. And to this day it still hurts. They thought i was unapprecitive of their overtures--but in reality I refused to be an uncontrolled robot. (long history) . They withheld gifts and donated the money instead. I did not learn the lesson they intended. Instead I learned (and later confirmed it as an adult) was that they used "gifting" as a way to "bribe" me. Difficult to explain, but I did question them on that within the past couple of years and they very much admitted to using money and gifting to try and manipulate me. Great, eh?

Don't deprive her of a cake and gifts. Denial of a party with friends is punishment enough.

 

[krcit]

The incentive for good behavior shouldn't be to get a party. It should be to learn how to behave in a family, with peers, and within society. The OP is doing her job as a parent, establishing rules and consequences and the child is still going to have a birthday party. I have two girls, 14 and almost 12 and the years between 10-12 were some of the most difficult for attitude and limit testing due to hormones and everything else we all went through ourselves. It does not give the little darlings a right to behave as they wish and it is our jobs to teach them what is acceptable and follow through with discipline for what is not.

To the OP - good job being a parent!!

I agree. I also have 2 girls the same ages as yours. It's not easy. I think OP did the right thing. It's a lesson she will remember and know you mean business.

 

[Tiger926]

Hmm ... I know all about the attitude and sass of the tween girl! Mine is 10 1/2 now and full of it. I think that you need to step carefully when you use big events in a child's life as a tool for making them compliant. You may end up in the position you are in right now ... left having to follow-up with the threat.

At 9-11 girls bodies and emotions start to go into a state of flux and I honestly think that many kids just don't know how to handle it. I guess what I'm saying is that she may not be able to control herself to the extent that you want her to. I'm NOT saying that you shouldn't work on the sass and attitude or that you shouldn't establish and enforce rules. I just think there was probably a better punishment than the removal of her 10th birthday party with friends.

I totally agree - my hubby constantly does this, as he just yells out stuff in order to scare or motivate our sassy DD6 almost 7 year old. I constantly remind him, that once you make an agreement, you then have to stick with it, so you have to very carefully choose what appropriate consequences are. By the same token, this means having reasonable expectations of your kids, and setting them up for success, and not failure.

As a Spec Ed teacher who deals with unmotivated kids all day long, I have to say, that taking away her party, probably isn't going to motivate her at all. In fact, it's probably just going to make her angry - her emotions and hormones are out of control at that age, so not really sure that taking away her friends' party is going to do much good for curbing her future sass? A birthday is for celebrating someone's birth, so why use that as punishment? Now that the party is gone, what are you doing to help her with her sass? I'm assuming this is an ongoing problem, but removing the party is an isolated event, yet working with her on her sass needs to be an ongoing process.

If the sass continues, and it more than likely will, what is the next consequence going to be? Tiger

 

[wenrob]

I took the OP to mean that this wasn't a heat of the moment thing and that her DD had ample warning for the consequences of her actions. As I stated before I think giving in and having the party with friends would have sent the wrong message. It's not like she isn't getting a party at all.

I just posed this question to my DD and her BFF both 13yrs old. My DD says that knowing she was going to have a family party anyway she probably wouldn't have changed her attitude but if she knew she would have NO party then she would have snapped to. Her BFF on the other hand said the threat would have made her even more bratty and losing the party would have made her worse. So I asked her if she ever had to suffer losing something big for behavior she wouldn't change. Her answer, no, never. DD absolutely has. Make of that what you will but it reinforces what I believe. And according to my DD, OP would have been better off canceling both parties, lol!

 

[mickeyboat]

I feel your pain. My DDs are 9 & 10 and the sassiness, etc. is about to tip me right over.

I have started grounding them for short periods of time and it seems to have had a good effect. They are also starting to get interested in the phone and email to keep in touch with friends outside of school, and threatening to take it away has also worked well.

I don't think it is an atrocity to not have a big birthday party with friends. You are not taking away her birthday. You made it clear that having a big friend party was a privilege, and she lost it because of her behavior.

Lots of luck to us all!

 

[mking624]

I'm glad you stuck to your guns. Parties are a privilege/luxury, not some birth right. I think it's wonderful you're still doing a family get together for her birthday, but after many attempts to curb her behavior, it's also good that she knows she's not above getting consequences for her actions...and in this case, it was a party with her friends. That's how things go. Perhaps if her attitude changes, she can plan an outing or something another time.

Yes, kids go through hormones and sometimes have a hard time dealing with them. However, by 10 years old they know right from wrong. Kids test and push boundaries to see if you're really going to follow through on the actions you claim you'll take. Good for the OP for standing her ground. She's the one in authority...not the child.

 

[C.Ann]

*sigh* So DD is turning 10 next week and the sass and ATTITUDE have been amping up in the last couple of months. DH and I have warned her that if she didn't cut it out and adjust her attitude then she would not be having the big bday party with friends she had been hoping for.

Well, you guessed it, the eye rolling, sass and general bad attitude have continued so she is now officially not having a party. We will have family over for a bbq but no big deal, presents, etc.

I know it is the right thing to do and in the long run will serve us better because she knows we will follow through, but geesh, do I have to feel like a monster in the meantime?

No, no, of course we are getting her presents and she will have a family party with a cake (tiger themed as she requested ) but she wanted a party with her whole class, something we have only done one other time. We had it all set, a "Wizarding Party" but she is just too disrespectful and sassy to have that privilege. Believe me, we gave her many chances, talked about consequences, pointed out when she was being disrespectful and told her she needed to stop, but she has not made any attempt to behave. It is killing me but I feel like we have to make a stand or get walked over for the next 10 years.

You did exactly what needed to be done.. It's not like this comes as a "surprise" to her.. Once you gave her the "warning", you had no choice but to follow through.. Consistency is so important!

Good job, mom..

 

[figment52]

No, no, of course we are getting her presents and she will have a family party with a cake (tiger themed as she requested ) but she wanted a party with her whole class, something we have only done one other time. We had it all set, a "Wizarding Party" but she is just too disrespectful and sassy to have that privilege. Believe me, we gave her many chances, talked about consequences, pointed out when she was being disrespectful and told her she needed to stop, but she has not made any attempt to behave. It is killing me but I feel like we have to make a stand or get walked over for the next 10 years.

Stick to your guns on the birthday party but maybe give her an opportunity to have a "Wizarding Party" during the summer if she earns it.

You are just doing your job as a parent, It isn't always easy but it is your job.

 

[lukenick1]

!

I have a burger king crown that I covered with foil, and wrote President and CEO of the Mean Mom's club on it with a sharpie! Whenever the stomping/yelling about me being mean started...on went my crown! They soon got the hint that name calling didn't faze me a bit!

June

OMG Love that! I need to make me one.

 

[peanut1967]

So many parents tell there children 'if you do this you will loose that' then dont follow through. You have done the right thing, its not as though you have cancelled her birthday, she just isnt getting the big party, I would even go as far as if someone asks why she isnt having a party get her to explain, its all about taking ownership of what they have done.

One thing I have done when attitude as been an issue, I have put a weeks spending money in a jar, and if I got attitude I would make him give me say 50c out of the jar so he could see his money go down, at the end of the week he got what was left, at first it wasnt a lot but then we got to the point where he hadnt lost much. It gives them focus so they see an immediate consequence.

Angie

 

[XTinabell]

No, no, of course we are getting her presents and she will have a family party with a cake (tiger themed as she requested ) but she wanted a party with her whole class, something we have only done one other time. We had it all set, a "Wizarding Party" but she is just too disrespectful and sassy to have that privilege. Believe me, we gave her many chances, talked about consequences, pointed out when she was being disrespectful and told her she needed to stop, but she has not made any attempt to behave. It is killing me but I feel like we have to make a stand or get walked over for the next 10 years.

I say well done! You are absolutely doing the right thing by showing her that you mean it. She will continue to give you sass in the future, it's part of being a teen/tween but she might think more carefully the next time you give her a warning. For what it's worth, my mother was the meanest mom in the world, now that I'm 25 we're best friends. So don't sweat it.

 

[EllenFrasier]

I guess I would also have a guilt complex. I would not forgive myself if I did my 10 year old dd out of a birthday party that she was looking forward to. Of course, my dd is a perfect angel , LOL!

My Dh has the habit of threatening things that are totally unreasonable. When we were planning a vacation one year, he threatened one of the kids with not going with us if their room was not cleaned up! I'm like "Ummmmm, honey where will he go then while we are away for the week?"....

So we try not to have things that we don't want happening or not happening to our children be the consequences. Taking away their video games, TV or outside playtime seems to do the trick. It is really hard to spend a weekend with a child that wants to be outside playing and has been grounded to the house - believe me, my ds11 has tested me to the limit with that one!

 

[MariDisney]

You mean you're not getting her any presents? Like no cake either? I understand not doing the big friend party, but I would think a small family party would still be okay.

No birthday party at all seems a little extreme for a 10 year old in my opinion.

I never once received a birthday present from my parents. Never really had a party either. We did sometimes (certainly not every year) have cake with family. I survived just fine and am confident that I am not the center of anyone's universe. I think if she doesn't get any presents that's just fine. The point here is to teach her a lesson.

 

[MariDisney]

I agree with this
I think a different consequence instead of losing the big party for a milestone like a 10th birthday would be a better punishment.
It's her birthday not like its just a random outing she had planned with friends.
come on mom, take off the mean hat, give her a different consequence and let her have the party
and plus since the party is next week ( you did say next week right?) haven't you already sent invites and gotten rsvps from people?

Respectfully, I could not disagree with you more. The OP's DD was told the criteria for having her party and did not meet expectations. I don't think being 10 is any milestone. My DD is 10 as well. We didn't have a party because it was a very busy time and it just didn't come together. The conversation went like this, "Hey babe, we're not going to be able to have a birthday party this year because there's just too much going on. We'll all go out and have a nice dinner anywhere you want sometime around your birthday." Her response was "OK". I really don't like making a bigger deal out of things than they really are. In my opinion, turning 10 (or any other random number) is not a big deal. I have absolutely zero guilt. Maybe we'll have a party when she turns 11. Maybe not. We'll have to see what's going on in all of our lives when the time comes.

 

[Glynis]

*sigh* So DD is turning 10 next week and the sass and ATTITUDE have been amping up in the last couple of months. DH and I have warned her that if she didn't cut it out and adjust her attitude then she would not be having the big bday party with friends she had been hoping for.

Well, you guessed it, the eye rolling, sass and general bad attitude have continued so she is now officially not having a party. We will have family over for a bbq but no big deal, presents, etc.

I know it is the right thing to do and in the long run will serve us better because she knows we will follow through, but geesh, do I have to feel like a monster in the meantime?

Same thing happened to my DD on her 10th birthday. She didn't think we would follow through on the threat, so she had already invited her friends to a party. Boy was she embarrassed when she had to call them all and explain why there was no party.

Unfortunately, the baditude, as we call it, has continued. We've had to escalate to taking things away from her to get our point across.

Luckily, she's generally a very good kid, so the baditude doesn't last very long. But it's painful for us all while in the middle of it!

 

[Tiger926]

IMHO, people seem to be missing the fact that if the removal of the birthday party was a motivator that actually worked, the child would have curbed her sass.

The party was not a motivator, because if it were, her behaviour would have changed. I don't believe its removal will be either - this is strictly a punishment, and so it needs to be looked at as such.

If the OP is hoping to use it as a teaching tool for the future, I'm afraid those might be unreasonable expectations as her daughter's behaviour would have showed otherwise.

Tiger