Mean girls! UPDATE!

[powellrj]

Anyone watch The Middle this week, it was about how mean middle school girls are to each other and Dads got involved. It was so sad but true......

 

[SydSim]

My apologies if I am wrong. I just pictured it being a racial issue since race was mentioned.

.

Oh, I'm not saying that it wasn't a racial issue. I'm just questiong the fact that you assumed it was a black girl doing the bullying, since she said stupid white girl. For all we knew (before the OP stated it), it could have been an Asian girl, or maybe even hispanic.

And I also agree that things are handled unevenly, at times, involving racial issues. Come to think of it, sexual harrassment, of a man, is probably dealt with in a similar fashion Not saying it's right, but I suppose it has to do with the history of these instances for many years. Hmmm.....

OP, sorry to get off topic. Mean girls really make me I was bullied, as was Dd. Mine wasn't racial, but Dd's was at times. I can say that high school, for the both of us, was so much better. Here's hoping that it will be as well, for your daughter.

 

[disneybound2010]

This was exactly me, through middle and high school.

When I talked to my mom, she told me "just ignore them." so I did and the taunting/teasing/mean nasty notes/rumors about me continued.

Then I got to high school. I hid out doing things I loved (drama and cheerleading -- although there were a few on the squad who picked on me and fed others info). I was actually okay for the longest time, and then around my junior year my mental state began to change. I started to believe what they were sayign was true:
I had no friends -- because the bullies would tell somebody I hung around with or was seen talking to, bad stuff about me or gain their friendship.
I didn;t have a boyfriend -- I was painfully shy. I had guys who were "friends" so to speak (secret friends so the bullies wouldn;t find out), but I never knew if anyone was interested in me or not. In 8th grade bullies got a cute boy to play a joke on me and pretend he was interested and them humiliate me in front of the cafeteria and later 8th grade hall.
I thought I was ugly -- I really did not know about hair or make-up (wasn't interested), I wore galsses, my teeth were crooked.

So over time, my self-esteem dwindled, and years later, it still bothers me (I am now 34). There are times I am so incrdibily self-consciouses and then other times where I don't care. It's really odd. A counselor once told me that people really don't notice you, because they are too busy worrying about themselves. While I can repeat this to myself at times and find proof, the past still plagues me.

I had a friend, close trusted friend join in the bullying in high school. Later when I asked her about it, she said she had to do it, so she wouldn;t get picked on herself. Pfffftttt. That was at the end of my junior year of high school. She lost my trust, and even though years later we chat on FB, I am corgial with her.

Bullying is hard, really hard. Not that I wouldn;t have done somethign like it, but I totally understand the fustration that kids who commit acts like Columbine feel. You can't win no matter what you do. You ignore things, and they think you're weak and serve up more. You stand up for yourself, and they get physical or just give more in return.
My DD is only 3 and can pretty much speak her mind. She came home one afternoon after daycare and at dinner was saying somethign that I know she picked up from a daycare mate. So I had a little talk with her about peer pressure and doing what she wanted to do. I can only hope that I can do everything I can to help her stand up for herself and build her self-esteem. I have already read books like "Reviving Ophelia" and "Ophelia Speaks Out" I have even read "Real Biys" for the boys side of things.

Anyway, it's hard and the effects linger.

Although hitting a major lottery jackpot and being a Hollywood actress would be sweet revenge!

This was me through and through. I still have periods where I will see someone or something that reminds me of those years and it all comes flooding back. All the pain,anger and the self hatred that these bullies put me through. I was told repeatedly that it was because I didn't stand up for myself, but when I did, it became that much worse and NO the school officials weren't much help. Those acts and words never leave you.

A couple years after graduating, Columbine happened and as Mom and I were talking about it, I too, said that I could almost understand that kind of desperation. I felt horrible for the students, but I also grieved for the gunmen. Anyone that has known that kind of bullying, can understand how it can go downhill fast. I was lucky in that I had my sisters and a couple of trusted friends(much older than me) that were my support system. Many do not.

 

[pweyl36]

I have told my dauhter to stand up for her self, and the next time somebody
says something mean to just laugh. It has been working so far.

 

[Magic Mom]

I have told my dauhter to stand up for her self, and the next time somebody
says something mean to just laugh. It has been working so far.

DD stands up for herself as well, but this is ongoing since the start of school. She shouldn't have to laugh off repeated insults and derogatory comments for months at a time.

 

[Magic Mom]

I just spoke to the principal who is brand new to the school. He told me DD's report was the straw that broke the camels back. He told me that harassment is an epidemic in the school, and he is furious about it. He spoke to the girl and she admitted it all and even admitted DD had done nothing to her to start it. I'm sort of shocked at her honesty. He told her this was her warning and that any further harassment (his word) would be considered a pattern and he would press charges against her. She agreed to leave DD alone. I hope this is the end of it and she just doesn't take it outside of school.

Am I naive to think she is just a bratty kid who was never told to stop and now that she was she will back off?

The principal also told me about his plans for the rest of the year to curb the bullying atmosphere at the school as a whole. He sounds very concerned about the whole thing. That was relieving to me. All in all I'm happy with the conversation.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

I just spoke to the principal who is brand new to the school. He told me DD's report was the straw that broke the camels back. He told me that harassment is an epidemic in the school, and he is furious about it. He spoke to the girl and she admitted it all and even admitted DD had done nothing to her to start it. I'm sort of shocked at her honesty. He told her this was her warning and that any further harassment (his word) would be considered a pattern and he would press charges against her. She agreed to leave DD alone. I hope this is the end of it and she just doesn't take it outside of school.

Am I naive to think she is just a bratty kid who was never told to stop and now that she was she will back off?

The principal also told me about his plans for the rest of the year to curb the bullying atmosphere at the school as a whole. He sounds very concerned about the whole thing. That was relieving to me. All in all I'm happy with the conversation.

Having been there and going through it for many years, I would continue to keep open the communication with your daughter. Since the other young lady was "outed" and your daughter was mentioned, she will most likely have other girls in her group harass your daughter. She only promised not to bother your daughter, not to stop others, and this is very typical behavior.

 

[Magic Mom]

You're right about the girl's friends. The Principal also addressed that with her, and warned her not to encourage her friends tostart anything with DD.

I hate this. I am happy the school takes this seriously, but I'm afraid things will only get worse. I told him that I expected him to let me know if anything else happened, just in case DD decides to clam up about it. He agreed.

 

[piperdown]

There is a public HS in the Orlando area where the teachers have been told to give more detention to whites and turn a blind eye when a black mis-behaves. They need to even up the numbers they were told. True story.

This reminded me of something my DD said recently when she was going through a rough patch with a few girls at school. It wasn't a racial issue as far as I know because I don't know the race of the other girl.

The other girl was saying mean and hurtful things and getting others to join in. We had a discussion about possible responses she could use, and she insisted that she couldn't say anything back because she would get in trouble. I said, "If you got in trouble then the other girl would as well, since she started it." DD said "No Mom...only the good kids get in trouble." After more discussion, I gather that the teacher only reprimands those that she thinks will actual listen and respond to her directives. Basically, she's written off the "troublemakers." DD provided specific examples involving her and some of her friends (aka "good kids"). It wasn't just this particular teacher either.

DH is a teacher in this same school, different grade than DD, so of course I discussed this with him. He stated that while that it is not something he condones, he has witnessed it by other teachers. The school does have a fair amount of "troublemakers". 60% of the kids are from economically disadvantaged homes, and the population is highly mobile, meaning a lot of kids are bounced from home to home. There isn't a violence problem, just a great deal of apathy and disrespect. However, instead of addressing the problems and helping these kids, they just "write off" the kids' behavior. What incentive is there for the "good kids" to continue behaving appropriately? Just act up enough and eventually the teachers will just ignore you....very, very, very sad.

 

[Disney Doll]

My apologies if I am wrong. I just pictured it being a racial issue since race was mentioned.

And I stand by my claim that if a white person called a black person a "stupid black girl" things would be treated very differently.

Realisitically, if a white person called anyone of any different ethnicity "stupid insert ethnicity here girl", the white child would be suspended immediately.

 

[SydSim]

Realisitically, if a white person called anyone of any different ethnicity "stupid insert ethnicity here girl", the white child would be suspended immediately.

This, for the most part, could be true. I was just stating that there are other people who sling racial insults against white people. Since the OP didn't state the girl's race originally, I questioned how the other poster knew that the bully was black.

Fighting this type of of abuse certainly isn't equal, unfortunately.

 

[Kat77]

Realisitically, if a white person called anyone of any different ethnicity "stupid insert ethnicity here girl", the white child would be suspended immediately.

Not necessarily, atleast not where I live. My white son used a racial slur towards a black child back in fifth grade. He was only given detention. I would have suspended him if I were the principal.
It was an uncommon term he had learned that week in social studies. He knew what it meant and repeated it just to hurt the other child. It was the most hurtful thing he could think of to say in the moment. He was in a load of trouble at home. I told him words like that tell you what is lurking in a persons soul and I was heartbroken he could repeat something like that.

 

[AmberHeartsDisney]

Being bullied is mentally hard on the person being bullied. It stopped me from doing SO many things in my life.

I didn't have a serious relationship until AFTER HS and i got away from the jerks.

When i have kids i hope i can mentally raise them well because i want them to be able to handle bully's but what can we do??

i think schools should have stronger punishments.

 

[stinkerbelle's mom]

Thankfully I was never bullied in school. I may have had 1 or 2 incidences, but over all no problems. However, I do remember there were certain kids that seemed to always be picked on for whatever reason. Mostly it seemed that the kids were maybe having troubles at home or something. I never picked on them, but I never really befriended them. I would however stop people from doing bad things to them if I knew about it ahead of time.

When my kids were younger I used to teach them how to deal with others. I let them know that they should be true to themselves and never be afraid to do things just because they think others might make fun of them. I also explained that although it might seem like forever ...that these kids won't always be a part of their lives. I also told them to look for the kids that were being bullied and watch out for them if they could.

Thankfully my eldest dd was the only one that really had any problems, but we were able to work that out.

 

[krcit]

This reminded me of something my DD said recently when she was going through a rough patch with a few girls at school. It wasn't a racial issue as far as I know because I don't know the race of the other girl.

The other girl was saying mean and hurtful things and getting others to join in. We had a discussion about possible responses she could use, and she insisted that she couldn't say anything back because she would get in trouble. I said, "If you got in trouble then the other girl would as well, since she started it." DD said "No Mom...only the good kids get in trouble." After more discussion, I gather that the teacher only reprimands those that she thinks will actual listen and respond to her directives. Basically, she's written off the "troublemakers." DD provided specific examples involving her and some of her friends (aka "good kids"). It wasn't just this particular teacher either.

DH is a teacher in this same school, different grade than DD, so of course I discussed this with him. He stated that while that it is not something he condones, he has witnessed it by other teachers. The school does have a fair amount of "troublemakers". 60% of the kids are from economically disadvantaged homes, and the population is highly mobile, meaning a lot of kids are bounced from home to home. There isn't a violence problem, just a great deal of apathy and disrespect. However, instead of addressing the problems and helping these kids, they just "write off" the kids' behavior. What incentive is there for the "good kids" to continue behaving appropriately? Just act up enough and eventually the teachers will just ignore you....very, very, very sad.

My kids tell me that also and I have witnessed it a little bit myself. sad.

 

[Magic Mom]

My kids tell me that also and I have witnessed it a little bit myself. sad.

That is sad. They should all be held to the same standards.

 

[cm8]

I can pretty much promise you that if your daughter called her a "stupid BLACK girl", she would be suspended. I hate the whole racial double standard.

Good luck to your daughter

DId I miss the part when she said the races of the girls involved

Especially if the bully wasn't even black But I guess only black girls call people stupid white girls:scared1:

 

[kaseyC]

I just spoke to the principal who is brand new to the school. He told me DD's report was the straw that broke the camels back. He told me that harassment is an epidemic in the school, and he is furious about it. He spoke to the girl and she admitted it all and even admitted DD had done nothing to her to start it. I'm sort of shocked at her honesty. He told her this was her warning and that any further harassment (his word) would be considered a pattern and he would press charges against her. She agreed to leave DD alone. I hope this is the end of it and she just doesn't take it outside of school.

Am I naive to think she is just a bratty kid who was never told to stop and now that she was she will back off?

The principal also told me about his plans for the rest of the year to curb the bullying atmosphere at the school as a whole. He sounds very concerned about the whole thing. That was relieving to me. All in all I'm happy with the conversation.

Since she has been outed in a sense, the girl will probably get sneakier about her bullying. My eldest DD went through something similar in 7th grade with a bully and her minions.

 

[bunkkinsmom]

WOW! My DD went through a little bullying this year and she is in 3rd grade. She is in a new school and has had very little trouble making friends. She is a sweet hearted sensitive girl, but comes from a LONG LINE of strong independent women

So she comes home and tells us that this girl is being mean to her for no reason. I don't think that any of my kids are "perfect little angels" and so I asked her a lot of leading questions to see how much info I could get. This girl is in a different class but the same grade and came up to DD who was playing with a friend. Mean Girl said to the friend "are you gonna play with us or are you gonna play with "it". ("It" referring to DD)

I personally believe that if you let little digs like that slide, they will get worse. DH and I had a long talk with DD and decided on an appropriate comeback for any stupid little comment. The school that she goes to is a very good school and is hard to get into. It's the kind of school where the little kids are always worried about "bad words". (Like Oh My God instead of Oh My gosh. that's a biggie)

So, we instructed DD what to say and how to say it. That day I went to DD's teacher (without letting DD know) and told her what was going on and what we had told DD to say. I also let her know that if that kid laid a hand on my DD I would have no issue with DD fighting back. I told her that she would have to learn the consequences to that and I would stand by her for it. I would not allow her to be ok with someone being physical with her.

I know, I know....... handle it without violence. Conflict resolution. I don't believe nor do I teach that violence is the only way out. And it is a different story at 8 than at 17. However, in my experience if you make it known that you're OK with the "option", it never gets that far.

At any rate, DD's teacher shared what was going on with Mean Girl's teacher. That day at recess Mean Girl said something obnoxious and started walking away. At which point my DD yelled "Mean Girl (real name omitted for protection of juvenile ) why don't you do me a favor and Shut Up!) Mean Girl has not been a problem since.

Mean Girl went to her teacher and told on DD for saying Shut Up, and Mean Girl's teacher told DD that she needed to watch how she says things. IMHO, she did watch how she said it, and it worked. I made it perfectly clear to DD that she would not be in trouble at home and I told her AFTER it happened that I let her teacher know before hand. I don't want her thinking I am undermining her teacher's authority, but I also want her to know that she needs to learn to handle these things on her own.

At any rate, we knew that if she allowed these little digs then not only would it get worse from Mean Girl, but that others would see this and know they could speak to her like that. Hopefully we have cut some of that off. I worry a lot about the teenage years.

 

[luvsJack]

Op, sounds like you have a good principal there. So many would just say "stay away from her" or "I will take care of it" and do nothing.

I am so happy with our administration finally. They are really on top of the bullying stuff. DD doesn't have any problems this year (her bully was put out of school) but her friend is having an issue right now. Apparently the BIG put down with 7th grade girls is accusing each other of being gay . I remember having jr. high drama but I don't remember the girls being so mean!

Your daughter's bully may get sneakier, but tell your dd to not let anything go. If the girl bothers her again, go straight back to the principal--the first time.